TheComfortCorner | V.10

[OKULTRA]

devastation

[aventurine.]

I guess I'll just always be the second option huh. Wow, what a shocker. It's almost like I've been that my entire life, why would that ever change?

[shadow~wolf]

feeling deep grief and despair tonight :thumbup:

[lyney]

(to anyone who reads this, you can honestly feel free to glaze over it. i'm just processing a lot of emotions right now, and my best way of doing this is this yapping. i don't have much else that i can talk about this. so... random little forum site is my outlet for screaming out my woes, i don't have many options other than to swallow this down.)

to the lovely little gazelle, innocent as can be...

i'm sorry.
i'm sorry.

i'm sorry.

i'm sorry nobody took you seriously.
i'm sorry you hated yourself.
i'm sorry.
i'm so sorry.

you were right.
you were always right.
nobody ever listened to you but god, you knew something was wrong.
you knew it.
in your little heart, you knew it, but you always let everyone else tell you how you should feel.
you were only eleven.
your life shouldn't have been over. your leg was torn. you were wounded. you were hurting.
you- a little gazelle, destined for greatness.
you could barely walk. stairs went from an anyday thing to an obstacle. you would have to hobble, always uneven on your little legs.
they told you it was your fault you couldn't get better.
they told you it was your fault.

they told you it
was
your
fault

and you let yourself believe their lies.
their venom.


what else could you do?
you just wanted to survive.
everyone around you turned a blind eye to you.
you were powerless, little gazelle. completely powerless.
"but i know something's wrong!", you would whine in your little voice, pleading to your fellow gazelles. "I promise!"
"it's all in your head," they would insist back. "the lion's bite on your leg will heal if you walk on it. you will heal. you will get better. get stronger."


you had never felt more alone.


every day, your life was a living nightmare.
your mangled little leg controlled your life.
some days, you could not walk.
others, you could not get off the floor.
you would be told to stop limping, you would be told that your hobble is unpleasant. fix it. get stronger.
you cannot heal if you do not get stronger.


it
is
your
fault.


just get stronger.
walk on it.
you'll get better.

it'll all be okay.


at least try, why don't you?


..........

the health care system failed you, little gazelle. i'm sorry.
you used to love to run. you used to love the feeling of the sun shining on your face, the breeze of a good sprint rustling through your fur. you used to laugh, and challenge your fellow little friends on who can run the fastest. you once dreamt big dreams that you would be able to use your running to live, to thrive in this cruel world, to run out of the grasp of any lions who may get in your way. you thrived. you were amazing. i'm sorry. nobody listened. your leg was torn. nobody listened. it wasn't your fault. it never was, i'm so sorry for hating you. i'm so sorry for all the times you'd scream at yourself in the mirror. why, why, why, why me? why can't i get better? why does everyone see me as so weak? why does nobody listen to me? why does everyone look so angry? why do they think i'm not trying? why do they tell me that i'll be okay? why did they tell me that i'll heal from a silent wound so devastating?


it wasn't your fault. i'm sorry. you started to believe them when they said it was, but, little child. it wasn't. it hurts me to think about all the times you'd scream, and wail, and let the hatred of others seep into your perception of yourself.
you were just a kid.
everyone told you it was in your head, but, god, it wasn't. when they told you that you couldn't run because you were scared, it was your body trying to protect from further damage. when you'd do such an unpleasant little limp your fellow gazelles hated, it was your body trying to work with what it was given. your little legs tried their best.


why this happened to you, i don't know.
you didn't deserve it. no child does. you did your best. you tried your best with what cards you were given. i owe you an apology. i'm sorry, to a younger me. i'm sorry. i know i have no way of going back in time to rub a little me on the head, to assure myself that things would surely get better and that it was important i was trying my best and that's all that mattered. i know there's no way to pull a little me into a hug, to tell me that it wasn't all in my head and I should've loved and respected myself and my body. you couldn't do anything more with what cards you were dealt, little me. i hated you for the longest time for being the reason why i've been so physically damaged all of these years, believing medical physicians that it was simply because i hadn't taken physical therapy seriously.


it wasn't my fault.
it never was.
it wasn't that i wasn't trying, it was that... my leg was so mangled and torn beneath the surface.
my physical therapist got so frustrated with a little child that she cut ties with me, and somehow- nobody thought to get an MRI done in all of this.


i liken myself to a gazelle, in that regard. i loved to run, i loved the sun, i loved to thrive. i loved to live.

i learned to sit. clutching my knees to my chest, sitting on the edge of the playground as i watched my friends skitter about.
i learned to stay out of the way, shrugging off my pain whenever it'd rise.
i was broken, but nobody else believed me. so, i tried to believe them, too. i never processed that, there was a possibility i had a disability. i didn't let myself. it was in my head, and that was that.

i'm sorry to myself.


i still don't know how to process the medical news i just received. something they gaslit a little child into so heavily, something that has plagued and ruined almost all of my life. it was never "just in my head". my knee's been reduced to bone on bone, it's always been. one muscle is damaged beyond repair and urgently needs to be removed and replaced. one of my tendons is ripped. it needs to be completely restructured.
where everyone had seen me as weak, i think it's miraculous i was even able to walk in the first place.
for so many years, i walked on such a mangled and ripped leg, and- that.. is impressive. i'm sorry, to my body as well. you did your best. the next step is going to be terribly hard. i'm beyond scared and they're going to have to fix a lot of damage. they're going to have to pull me apart and put me back together. recovery is going to be a nightmare, and i'll likely never be the same.

a little gazelle learned to accept this at the ripe age of twelve. this is nothing new to me. i'll always live like this. but, at least now? i can... finally start to heal, after so long of hating that same clueless and innocent child in me. i need to unlearn what was hammered into my head for so many years, and they very urgently scheduled my reconstructive surgery in 3 days.


(to anyone who reads this, again, my bad for taking up so much space on the page!! i have. some problems. that i needed to get out. nobody has to feel obligated to respond, i'm okay, i just needed a place to scream.)

[nobxdy]

gosh, i just keep thinking of all of my decisions that have led to this point. like.. i was not happy at the place i worked, it seemed like something was always happening that was just truly tearing me down and would aggravate me so much. by the end of the day i would sincerely feel defeated. nothing was getting better, it only ever got worse. it didn't matter how many times i said something or asked something of someone, the same thing would happen again and again and again. i was lashing out, i wasn't eating, would literally just snap sometimes out of nowhere.
if anyone is reading this, your mental health is so much more important than any job. do not let yourself get to the point where i was, because it's just not worth it. i have been through so much in the past year i almost can't comprehend it, but when everything keeps stacking on top of each other towards where you can't take it anymore, it's time for a change. it's easier said than done, it's so much easier said than done.. but don't continue to torture yourself like i was.
i can only hope that things are better from here-on-out. maybe this was supposed to happen.

[demodog]

Do not let your emotions build up, eventually even the toughest of dams break eventually.

I had a total break down rambling about many things, I feel good but worry I’m too much

[-icarus-]

dear everyone here,
I know how it feels. to think you're a burden and taking up too much space. but you're not. ignore the little voice in the back of your head saying you're too much. it's wrong.
this forum, this is exactly where all these feelings are meant to be. don't worry about length or content (unless it's against ToS, ofc), just yap until you feel better. someone will read it, bear witness to your pain and grief. you're never alone.
I love you all /pla
- someone like you

[dratio]

Very tired: have to pay my taxes tomorrow, been volunteering 4–5 days a week, need to do assignments, need to bake two cakes tomorrow, need to finish a book by Monday, respond to emails and texts—all on top of not eating enough and still recovering with ptsd. Gah

[^RukaDog^]

School camp is going to suck
I wanted to be in a cabin group with some people I didn’t know very well yet. But I got everyone I know. Normally I would be happy. But there are these two girls, let’s call them Apple and iguana.
So iguana has adhd (so do I) and she pretends to have panic attacks every. Single. Day. First I believed her and was like oooh it’s ok but now it just annoys me, and I’m in a cabin with her. And Apple has been pretending to have depression recently but only started when iguana said she has “bad anxiety”. Little fishy if u ask me. I’m also in a cabin with Apple. But I am with my other friends…but I just wanted it to go differently
Also I have like, attachment issues or something bc I hate going on school camps because my mothers not there. And I don’t need people pretending they’re having and anxiety attack or something because it’ll just make it all worse. I’m. Going. To. Hate. It. I just don’t wanna go. But that’s not an option, I wish it was…

[miito]

bro am i tweaking