by ♥ mizu » Mon Jul 29, 2024 2:13 pm
i really, really need professional help. i don't think my dysmorphia will ever go away. i don't want to talk about exactly what it is because it's a niche form of it but oh my god it seriously affects me. it's all i ever think about, some days. this past week i've been toeing the edge of tears constantly.
on wednesday, it was my sister's wedding. i've had a cold and that was the climax of it, i think, which sucked - i'd been sleeping on our hotel room and it was about 2 PM lol. anyway my cousin knocks on the door and is like "does mizu want to get ready with us" and my dad goes "yeah she does, she's been lazing off around here all day and you need to get her off her ass". i specifically told him i didn't want to get ready with my cousins, because a) i've never done it before and b) one of my cousins (i'll call her diana) is the stereotypical vancouver social media girl. calling her a "bimbo" is a stretch but she's about halfway there because she's not stupid, just has the personality and appearance. anyway. of course i would feel insecure around her, right? one of my cousins is lily, she's very sweet and they were getting ready in the same room, thank god. as soon as i entered their room to get ready diana and lily got to work on my hair or whatever and i was tearing up and internally freaking OUT. every time i saw diana, i felt a massive wave of insecurity, because i'm scared she'll judge me (she's the type, sort of). lily was so kind when i began sobbing, and eventually my kind aunts came in and they REALLY, REALLY helped because i was freaking out. having a panic attack, pretty much.
i told them it was because i was overwhelmed since it's my sister's big day, you know? that makes sense. but that wasn't the case at all. i could never tell them what was really happening, at least not with them all there. that's my biggest nightmare. i'm sobbing just writing this, it really, really hurts. i've been crying on and off all day. i hate this and i hate that it is my insecurity. it didn't help that everyone kept on complimenting me, because then it's like "can they tell i'm insecure about this? is that why they're doing it? are they sympathetic of my appearance, which is why they're trying to reassure me it's ok when it's really not?"
and then, separate rant about my dad. -------------------------------------------
dad was so mean on our first night. my sister told him she would get me moved to the aforementioned diana's room so he could have it all to himself, even though we only booked one room. he was so angry when i returned to the room that night, even though nobody instructed me to go to diana's room and i didn't spend a night there anyway. he swore at me, told me to shut the [hell] up, got angry when i used the bathroom, and was just... so angry? for what? i never gave him attitude. so on my first night i laid there next to him trying to cry quietly so he wouldn't notice, because that would make him angrier. he genuinely scared me.
and then, a few days later we went out to dinner with everyone. on the way back to our cab, i pointed out a hotel i wanted to stay at and he went off to my uncle and i about how unachievable and stupid my goals are. i can't even dream. he won't even let me dream, and i'm sobbing rn and this hurts so much to write because he only ever makes fun of me. he made fun of me to everyone else, but they defended me and that made me feel a bit better but i was so sad i almost cried right there. i was shaking so bad. he went on and on and i'm never telling him anything again. he doesn't support me and doesn't care about me and i'm disappointing him by trying to succeed and that makes me so sad. i just wanted to try something new. i'm trying to hold in my cries here dude but i'm sobbing so hard nd it's really difficult to not make noise i hate this. i hate my situation.
another thing with dad is that he just keeps telling me that i'm screwing everything up. we were in the airport to go home and he brought up the camaro he bought after his first divorce (to my sister's mom, who was there). they're on great terms now and were joking around, so i joined in and said something and he IMMEDIATELY cut me off. i couldn't finish my sentence. he got so angry. but once we were sort of alone, he got so so so angry i said anything about the car in front of her because "hearing about the car was really insulting to her and really hurt her feelings". he told me i had no class, no tact, and no right to say anything and that i needed to shut my [freaking] mouth. oh my god guys when i tell you was holding in my sob so freaking hard i was tearing up and i couldn't think of ANYTHING else for the next hour. he pulled me aside multiple times just to express how much i had apparently offended her. i just felt so, so guilty. the guilt i felt was astronomical. i was so mortified and sad and guilty i don't know how i didn't actually cry. i kept wiping my eyes with serviettes which helped but i was still so close to just bursting that a few people asked me how i was.
eventually my dad's ex-wife went to the bathroom and i followed her since he told me i shouldn't talk to her for the rest of the trip so he wouldn't see me. i apologised profusely, and she said she hadn't even thought of it at all and had no idea what i was talking about. she said she couldn't care less about the car and gave me a big hug and told me it was all ok and comforted me. i'm still crying. it just hurt so bad what dad said. he was so angry and disappointed with me. thinking that somebody else was, too, was heartbreaking and i'm still like sobbing right now. i just really need to find a way to recover from this. i sound dramatic but the fear and stress and guilt and sadness i felt this whole trip really took a toll on me. add severe dissociation to the mix and it's a miracle i haven't gone into psychosis.
dms about this are appreciated <3 i don't want advice i honestly just want comfort if anything but i think im going to go have a bath and try to rest
