by Gone Forever:. » Tue Dec 28, 2010 6:35 pm
(I hope it's ok for me to do this. Double post, I mean.)
I have decided to put Broken on CS. I asked my BF to read the first could chapters. She said they were a little graphic for a kid-friendly website. So I'm rewriting it, in less detail. But, I want to see if there's any intrest in it, so I'll post a little sliver of it here, if thats ok?
Chapter ??? (Somewhere near the start of the book, I'm to lazy to check.)
Prolouge
"You need to remember!" Andrew said, pushing Tair up against the wall.
"I.....I swear. I don't know!" Tair coughed. A nurse screamed somewhere near the door. Tair struggled against Andrew, but to no prevail. Andrew lifted Tair up again and slammed him against the far wall. Tair could feel blood soaking through the back of his shirt.
"What are you doing?!" The head nurse, Victoria, shrieked. Andrew turned away from Tair to look at Victoria. Andrea rushed to Tair's side and helped him back up. Tair reached for her hand.
"Thank you." He whispered when their hands connected. Andrea pulled away, returning to Victoria's side. Andrew turned back to Tair.
"Keep your hands off him!" Victoria said firmly, stepping in front of Tair. The old woman glared up at Andrew, challenging him with her old, wise eyes.
"Tairence Vechien, the blind boy from Scottan, has something I want." Andrew growled, taking a step toward Tair. Victoria stood her ground.
"And may I ask, Sir Andrew, what this something is?" She asked cooly. Andrew looked between Victoria and Tair. Was he really going to let this old woman stand in his way?
"No, now let me pass." Andrew growled.
"No, I cannot let you harm Tair in any way. He is my reponsability, and I will not let you be near him." Victoria said. Andrew turned and walked to the door, when he reached it he turned around again and said:
"Tair, I'll be back. And when I return you will burn in hell." He then turned, and walked out of the room.
The moment he left, Victoria turned to Tair.
"What did that man want with you, Tairence?" She asked. Tair looked up to where he thought her face should be.
"He wanted power." He said quietly. Victoria's eyes widened.
"What?" She asked.
"He wanted the power to see what you can only see in darkness." Tair continued, lowering his head.
"What does this power have to do with you, Tair?" Victoria asked again. Tair looked away.
"The power I speak of is the power I was born with."
"Darren, where are we going?' Dalota asked as they walked under an arch and into a church yard. Darren pulled his hood off as they entered the chapel.
"We're coming to visit my good friend Andrea, she is a nurse for the hospital here." Darren said, as they entered another room.
"Darren!" A young woman called, running toward them. Darren welcomed her embrace.
"Andrea, I'd like you to meet Dalota. She has offered to heal." Darren said, looking Dalota's way. She began to protest, but Andrea wisked her and Darren out into the yard.
"I'm so happy to see you, Darren!" Andrea said, hugging him. Dalota just watched, feeling hopelessly lost in Darren's relationship with Andrea.
Suddenly, there was a dark 'thud' from inside the chapel. Andrea whipped around, then raced back inside. Darren looked over at Dalota, then ran after Andrea. Just as she ran through the doorway, the front chamber exploded into an inferno.
"Andrea!" Darren yelled, diving into the inferno. Dalota, raced in right behind him. A cloaked figure walked out from behind the burning chapel. The man pulled back his hood. It was Andrew.
"Tair!" Andrea yelled, running into the hospital wing. He lay sprawled on the floor, having a coughing fit. Andrea reached down and helped him back onto the bed. Darren and Dalota entered moments later, and raced to Andrea.
"Tair, please come with me! You have to trust me!" Andrea cried, pulling Tair up and guiding him to the burning doorway.
"Are you....-" Darren yelled, just as the doorway collapsed behind Andrea. Andrea safly guided Tair out into the yard, then turned back to the burning chapel. There were tears in her eyes.
"Darren! Dalota!" She cried. Suddenly Andrea heard a hollow 'thump'. She turned. Tair had collapsed onto the ground, coughing.
Darren coughed, trying to find a way out. He had lost Dalota in the smoke, and he wished her the best.
"A great place to die, in a chapel. Of all places!" Darren muttured to himself, as he broke through a wall. He fell onto the ground. When he got back up again, he saw a black bundle laying a little ways away. He cautiously moved toward it, then cried in relief when he saw Dalota's familiar face. He heard crying behind him, but Darren picked up Dalota before turning around.
Andrea was crying, trying to protect the blind boy from a cloaked figure.
Darren carried Dalota over to where the boy lay. He gently put her down beside him, then turned into the shadows around him. He crept up behind the man, taking out his sword. He jabbed the man in the arm. Andrew turned to glare down at Darren. Andrew pulled a knife, lunging at Darren. In response Darren cut through the man's arm. Andrew pushed the knife into Darren's side. Darren stumbled, then fell backwards.
But another figure had added her attack to Andrew. It was Dalota. She pushed her sword deeper into his back. The point appeared from his chest, stained with blood. Andrew collapsed onto the ground, then disappeared. Andrea turned back to Tair, while Dalota worked on Darren. She healed his side. When he woke up there was a scar when he had been stabbed.
Darren turned to Andrea, who still tended to Tair.
"Who is this boy?" He asked.
"This is Tairence Vechien, or Tair. He stumbled into our yard last winter, weak and bloody. Lady Victoria took him in, of course. We've kept him for a year. We've had to." Andrea said, turning to Darren.
"Why?" He asked.
"He's blind." Andrea whispered.
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So....is it good? Here is a little more information:
Tair is the main character.
Character Info
Darren: The power to 'melt' or morph into surrounding substances
Dalota: Shape-shifter and healer
Andrea: Elementalist
Tair: Blind boy, but has the power to 'feel' "sounds", "colors" and another thing (Example: ...... Tair could feel the white spear he held in his hand. He could also feel the fear in the air. Suddenly, the feelings went blank. He turned to his father. "What have you done?".....)
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The plot is that these four characters go on a quest to save the future of their world. It's kind of like Lord of the Rings, but in my opinion, better. Lol.
Comments? Critic? Advice? I know it's a bit messy at the end, but I'll fix that later. And a later after that, I think I'll rewrite my whole book! This could just be the prolouge, and the 1st chapter could be something like Tair waking up from a dream or something......
Well, anyway. Comments, Critic, Advice?
Goodbye Chicken Smoothie. <3
~Neji-Chan