Lumpkinz11's Writing Collection - Open for Posting!

[Lumpkinz11 Ƹ̴Ӂ̴Ʒ]

All my posts below are random poems, writings, or excerpts from my journals. Most of them ended up here!

I post mainly on Wattpad

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Alone
by Lumpkinz11

CW abandonment, family issues, running away

Rain. It was all she heard.
Rolling over she saw the time was 2:27 AM. Too early.

Fall asleep already!

She couldn’t. Tossing and turning was all she did
for the past three hours. She has been sent to bed far too early.
∙∙∙
“Katie!” her father shouted. “Get down here!”

Slowly, she had left her room. Her father never yelled, but
she knew why he was.

“Yeah?” she asked in a monotone voice.

“Your teacher tells me you haven’t been in school, all week!”
her father hollered.

Here we go again. No way out, keep the answers short, he’ll give
up soon. He always does.

“Okay,” she said, trying to stand taller, which caused her back to crack.

“Okay?!” yelled her father. His usually pale skin was a bright
crimson red. His hands had been clenched tight, his knuckles were white.

“Yeah,” she said, trying to not let her voice quiver. He intimidated
her alright, and right now all she wanted was to cry.

“Katie,” stated her father after taking a deep breath. The concern
in his voice broke Katie’s heart. “School should not be taken and abused.
In four more years you will be an adult. Don’t waste your life like your mother did.”

She came closer to her father, but he put his hand up.

“Please Katie, go to your room and think about what I said.”

As she was walking up the stairs, something clicked in her mind.

Don’t waste your life, like your mother did.

But she couldn’t put her finger on it.

Like your mother.
∙∙∙
3:26 am. Sighing, Katie rolled on her back.

Nice going Katie. Now you’re never going to get some sleep.

The evening just kept replaying in her head, like a movie that just
wouldn’t stop. It felt so surreal. The only other time her father had ever
yelled at her was when she dropped a plate, but he wasn’t mad for long.

Out of pure boredom, and to get her mind off of the incident, she
began to count the wood panels on the ceiling of her room.

“Seventeen, eighteen, nineteen,” she whispered. Her voice became
hoarse. “Twenty, twenty one, twenty two-”

Like your mother.

She cut off abruptly. The thought had come to her so fast, so hard,
like a train. Something clicked in her head, just those three words.

Like your mother.

The thought, it was there she just couldn’t find it. It was too far.
Out of her grasp.

Mother.

There it was. Her mother. The same one that disappeared, leaving
Katie and her father all alone. Katie had only been a baby.

She had just got up and left. No goodbye. No note. No reason.

I have to find her.

Sitting up from bed, her knees and elbows cracked slightly.

Clothing.

It was as if her mind was on autopilot.

Backpack.

She had no control.

Money.

Like a zombie, Katie walked from her bed to her dresser. It was a mess,
plastered with photos of herself, friends, distant relatives, her father, and her mother.

Mother.

Pulling open the top drawer she pulled out clothing. Only the essentials.
One shirt, one pair of jeans, one sweater.

Backpack.

Now she needed a backpack. Grabbing her school bag from the corner of her
bedroom, she emptied everything onto her bed. Suddenly, her math textbook
slipped and landed on the ground with a loud thud.

Quiet.

She stood still, not even breathing.

Slowly.

Very slowly, she picked up the textbook, still listening for any sound of her father.

Nothing.

Nothing. No sound. She was good.

Fill it.

Katie began to fill the backpack with the clothes she took out.

Money.

She only had fifty dollars.

Money.

She needed money.

Father.

Father had enough money, so like a shadow she snuck out of her room, into
the hallway. She had slung her bag over her shoulder for a quick escape. Still
in her fuzzy cat pajamas, she slipped into his dark room. Katie didn’t know
where to look for the money first.

Dresser.

She walked over to the dresser and right on top of it was his wallet. She was
about to look in side when a hand-

Run.

-came down onto her shoulder.

Run!

Like a bolt of lightening, Katie shot out of the room, wallet in hand. She was
going to check what was inside first, but now she had no time.

“Humph,” said her father. She had pushed him out of the way, so she could run.
Now, he was grumbling, confused.

Running into the door, she swung it open, and ran out into the grass, her slippers
collecting the morning dew. Behind her, she left a slight trail in the untrimmed grass.

It was 4:17 in the morning.
∙∙∙
Thief.

He had them. He scared them. They ran.

Good job Jared, you had them. But you let them go.

They had pushed him. When he landed on the carpeted floor, he felt all the wind
knocked out of him. He had heard the door open-

They’re gone.

-and now they’re gone.

Getting up, he turned on the light. Upon examination of his dresser, he concluded
that they took his wallet. This was not good indeed, because in it he had his credit card,
a couple hundred bucks, and some lottery tickets. He could live without the tickets, and
the money, but his credit card?

They could track it.

Yes, he was at peace now. Looking back he didn’t lose anything, just misplaced it for a while.

Katie.

Deciding to check on Katie, to make sure she wasn’t scared, he left his bedroom.

“Katie?” he said knocking on the door. No response. He let himself in.

No one was in there. Her dresser was in disarray, and her bed was empty.

Katie.

“Katie!” he yelled, running around the house. Check the bathroom, kitchen, living room,
guest room. Nothing. She was gone. He ran outside, hoping to catch a glimpse of her. The
sun was just coming over the horizon, and it bathed the house in lonely amber light.

No one. She had left.

It was 4:56 in the morning.
∙∙∙
She had done it. A warm feeling filled her, and she smiled. Now standing next to a lonely
road, she thought of what she had just done. Something had taken hold of her, and she had
left her father for her mother. She couldn’t place what happened, but it was like she became
a new person.

But now, she felt a new feeling. The warmth of her leaving was gone, and it was being
filled with an overwhelming sense of fear. It felt like the spark inside of her was stamped out,
and now she stood on this road, alone.

You’re alone.

Her face became warm, and she felt the tears coming. She felt like an empty shell with
no purpose, like something was settling deep in her heart, something dark.

Katie...

She began to cry. She had no idea where her mom was, where to begin to look. All she
wanted was a mom to love. She was missing something her whole life.

Katie, please...

She was sobbing now, her breath choked by her tears. Gasping for breath, she choked.

“Who...are you?” Katie had said, thought with not fear, but just sadness. Were these
thoughts just herself, or was it something more.

I’m here to help.

“Who are you?!” she yelled. It echoed across the mountains.

You.

“What?” she whispered. By now, no cars had passed by.

You know where she is, you’ve seen her.

Katie stood at the side of the road, shaking. She had stopped crying now, but she felt
lonely, empty. Suddenly, the morning silence was cut short as a car drove by. It slowed down,
and pulled over next to Katie.

Get it the car.

“Hi, do you need a ride?” said a husky voice form the car.

Get in.

“Yes please,” said Katie, snapping out of her trance. She walked up to the silver car,
and opening up the door, get into the front seat.

“So, what is a girl like you standing out on a road like this,” the driver said. It was a man
with an auburn beard, and a deep rolling voice. On his head was a baseball cap, covering
his sandy blond hair.

“I’m lost,” she said, looking down at her hands in her lap. She had put her bag by her feet.

“Oh,” said the man. He began driving. “You need a place to stay?”

Trust him.

“Yes please.”

“Okay then. You’ll love my wife, and I also have three kids. Cuties they are,” the man
laughed under his breath.

Time went by slowly, and as he drove up to a brick house covered in purple ivy, she
felt her face get red. Her eyes became hot, and she felt the tears forming. She felt ashamed
sitting there in her cat pajamas.

“Hey, don’t worry about it. My wife would just adore you,” he said. “What’s your name
anyway?”

“Katie,” she said, grabbing her bag and exiting the car.

Walking up to the sandy wood door, the man opened it. Katie noticed that he looked
like a mix between a lumber jack and an axe murderer.

Trust him.

“Honey, I’m home!” the man said. Walking into the cozy living room, she clutched her
bag. In the room was a roaring fire, and beads of sweat were forming on her forehead.

“Hi sweetie,” said a woman with sandy-blond hair. Seeing Katie, she froze. “Honey, who
is this?”

“This is Katie,” he said. Getting close to the woman he whispered hoarsely, “She was lost,
I thought she could stay here for a night or two.”

“Oh, well hello Katie,” said the woman. She flinched when she said the name. “My name is Kim.”

Kim.

“Kim,” Katie repeated.

Suddenly, a little boy appeared in the living room.

“Mommy?” said the boy.

Mommy.

Katie felt sick. It all came rushing back to her. The sandy blond hair, the dainty appearance, the name.

She moved on.

“Yes honey?” Kim said, guiding the little boy into the kitchen. From the doorway, Katie
could see a girl with golden curls that bounced as she talked.

“I’m sorry,” began Katie. “I have to go.”

“No you can’t leave now,” said the man. The concern in his eyes made Katie not hate
the man, but wish she could stay.

“Please, I must go.”

No.

Running out the open door, Katie clutched her bag. The grass was not damp anymore,
and the sun hung high in the sky.

Don’t go.

It was 1:43 in the afternoon.
···
He had to except it.

She’s gone.

“She’s gone,” he said in the empty house. He was moving. It had been exactly two years
to this day when she left.

Come on Jared, she’s not coming back.

The issue wasn’t if she was okay or not, he just felt so empty. So lonely, like when Kim
left him and Katie all alone. He had messed up raising her.

She’s gone. Leave.

Leaving the empty house, the sun hung low in the sky. The long grass in the yard was bathed
in sad amber light.

It was 5:23 in the evening.

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The Ocean Loves the Rain...
by Lumpkinz11

The ocean loves the rain, its precious drops of grace
A source of life and joy, for all the creatures in its space
The ocean sings its song, with every wave that breaks
A melody of mysteries, with every drop it takes

The ocean loves the rain, as it washes away the pain
It brings a sense of joy, with each and every drop of again
The sun and sky will cry, when the ocean's full of tears
But it is the rain that brings it hope, to face its fears

The ocean loves the rain, it helps to soothe its pain
It brings a sense of calm, when the thunder begins to reign
The roar of the waves, will be a gentle song
As the ocean loves the rain, and its melody shall last ever long

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A Duckling Thought...
by Lumpkinz11

A duckling thought a daffodil was its mom
So it plucked it, and wherever it did roam
It waddled close as it could be
In search of love and security
But the duckling found, with dismay
That the daffodil had withered away

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Loving You
by Lumpkinz11

Loving you was like

laughing so hard that your stomach hurts,
then laughing at how hard you're laughing,

late in the August day sprinkler runs,
letting yourself get soaked in your clothes,

wasting the whole day at Six Flags riding the
same rollercoaster over and over again until
the park is about to close,

swinging on the swings on a rainy day, until
you can feel the wetness down in your bones,
and then going home hours after that,

putting on a coat from a year ago, and finding
a ten dollar bill in it,

opening a book, loved by not just your fingertips,
and smelling the memories soaked in the pages,

hours spent on the beach, listening to the laughter
of kids and the constant splashing of the waves,

spending the whole night talking to someone you love,
and not regretting the groggy feeling the next day,

dancing in the car to your favorite song,
and not caring who is staring at you,

reciving personal mail from someone you haven't
talked to in a while,

taking that one last breath before diving into the water,

those 3 am walks to the park with your friends,
while you walk in the middle of the road feeling so free,

a good sneeze,

warm cups of tea with honey,
while sitting with your mom talking about life.

Loving you was everything.

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Untitled
by Lumpkinz11

CW mental health issues, talk of death/murder, cigarettes/alcohol

words didn't flow from my mouth like they did hers. she told me stories until it was
two in the morning, stories that shooed away the men that lurked in my thoughts
every night. she loved me. truly loved me. she was there for me, to calm me when
i need it, to make me feel safe when i didn't, to save me from the end when i was
about to welcome him. she was the light to my darkness. i remember, one dark morning,
she asked me, in a voice barely above a whisper, what my biggest regret in life was.
i told her, our fingers laced together, it was not killing her sooner.
-
i've been calling her quincy since i met her at the boys and girls club. she was seven,
i was six, and we had been friends back then. last week, she told me she'd be there for
me, always. i had my problems, she said as she held my hands, and she said she'd stay for
me. maybe now, looking back, she might have not known that “me” meant my problems
too, every single one of them. maybe i hated her, even when she loved me like she did.
she was different, she could live her life with someone who loved her, and would want a
future with her, and yet she wasted her life. she eventually lost her life, staying for me.
if she'd asked me what my biggest regret was now, at this moment, i would look down
and whisper, it was how she died.
-
I had been walking home with quincy as she whispered to me about a woman who had
eleven toes, and the extra toe gave her powers. her name was Jupiter, she said tugging
my hand away from the camp. red faced, the counselor handed me a note, politely explaining
to my father how i [messed] up that day. my hands soaked the envelope with sweat, as i
clutched it against my fast-beating heart. at least, for that moment, i had her, and jupiter,
and for the mean time, i felt...like the end was not so close anymore
-
me, quincy, and jupiter stood over the sewage grate, my note nearly crushed in my hand.
bending over, i shoved it through one of the openings, the note, and my lingering fear, had
fluttered to the water below. Jupiter assured me it was for the best. quincy just grabbed my
hand and spoke to me of jupiter's younger sister, sweet clementine. i was no longer afraid.
-
they called her john quincy adams almost all the time. she'd cry to me, telling me her name
wasn't even quincy. when she told me her real name, i didn't even listen. to me she would
always be quincy. to me, she would never be anything but quincy. just like jupiter would always
be jupiter, even if people called her ‘imaginary’. and quincy's stories would always be stories,
and her characters would always be just characters, even if still today i can hear jupiter in
my head, telling me things quincy would have said. even if i see sweet clementine and
Dennis and even Alan standing at the foot of my bed, watching me. these walls were just
walls, all this metal was just metal, and these words were just words and her love was just
love and i am nothing. quincy was just nothing. just someone who loved me. i could never
be more than nothing and she could be anything. could've been anything. she loved me, and
i killed her. death is just death, and now she is as much nothing as i am.
-
looking up, i was [mad] at his height. looking down at everyone, even if he wasn’t that much
of [a jerk] . the way he grabbed her waist when they danced, how she bit her lip, how the only
time he let go of her was to push her loose, dark hair behind her ear. i never understood why
her face was always a deep red when she caught up with me later. i never understood why she
called me a fool, incapable of love, when i asked why she felt like she was shaking, how the
heat radiated off of her, after she danced with him. maybe it was how i said it, my face screwed
up, eyes drawn narrow, nose held up like i had smelled a foul odor. i had, her perfume. there was
too much, i felt she had taken a bath in it before i knocked on her door, her face screwed up like
mine had. she fixed my tie, and my cuffs, as we walked to the school. it was a different feeling,
walking in with her, holding my ticket tightly in my hand. I bet i soaked through the paper when
Alan had taken it from me. he gave me a nod, a mix of “nice catch boy,” and “don't [mess] this
up kid,”. i smiled in return, probably caused by how much my lungs swelled, how it felt as my
heart was constricted when he nodded. i think often off that night, how much quincy had danced
with him, how much i wished i could have done the same. quincy called me jealous, of her I
guess. or her date. it was neither. i was jealous of the girl who draped herself over Alan, angered
by how uncomfortable he looked, and how she was so intent on making herself seem desirable.
i was jealous of how he held her waist as they danced, [REDACTED], one [hand]
holding his cheek, how he had smiled and leaned his head into her hand. i smiled at him, when
he caught me staring, my heart getting trapped again. i didn't care if my heart stopped beating,
i was just...happy...at the cause. he could have been the cause of my demise and i would have
smiled back at him, while he stabbed me, or shot me, or pushed me off a bridge, or whatever.
i would have smiled back, and my heart would have tightened, and my eyes would flutter.
he could have murdered me, in cold blood, and i would have smiled back at him, because
he made me feel some kind of stupid, and all i could was smile when my heart suffocated,
when my lungs would pop, when i saw galaxies when i blinked, when i crumbled and wanted
to scream out and laugh until i was hoarse and run like he was the trophy and i was the racer,
until i couldn't breathe, and everything ached. quincy loved me, and i loved Alan . i never knew
what love was, what it felt like, until i knew alan, and i just wanted to love until i fell apart,
but i couldn’t, because alan had a girlfriend, who was normal and sexy and [REDACTED]
gorgeous, and quincy had a boyfriend who was courageous and sane and everything she deserved.
and i wasnt anything, just a nobody with nobody and i wanted to scream and cry until i was
nothing but sand and i wanted to hit everything, [REDACTED]. i doubted alan would ever
talk to me, or [heck], even look at me, after that night, and quincy was sore at me for some
reason or other for months after that. i feel that, when i walked home alone, when no one said
‘good morning’ to me, when no one asked me how my day was, i felt that the world was at
balance. i don’t blame alan, and i sure as [heck] don't blame quincy. i blame myself, for….
everything, everything that has ever happened, for every...death... i've caused, for every
mistake i've made, it's only hurt others. i've only hurt the people who've loved me, and i couldn't
live with myself, but i did-i am-and now i'm alone. alone because...i was loved…
-
it seems the more i talked the less i was heard, the more i asked for help the more i was ignored
-
i was good for 9 years. 9 whole years i didn't get in trouble. i moved out, went to college. i didn't
speak, participate, reach out. i was quiet. i graduated, third of my class. it was a friday night when
i saw him. i’d been free from him for 6 of those years, yet here i was, my heart beating like it wanted
to break free from my chest. second beer halfway down , and he offered to buy me another one.
i tore my eyes away, to act shy or something. i was just terrified. i blinked and it didn't happen.
i didn't see nebulas splatter my sight with their bright hues which always brought me close to tears.
those fingers that brought his beer to his lips, i wanted them to stay away from [me], yet i needed
someone's touch. i was so lonely, and i wanted to hide behind a cigarette outside. he made me laugh,
deep from my core, it radiated out until i was nearly doubled over. he made me laugh in the back
alley when it was so dark i could only see his face if i got really close, and i'm pretty sure our noses
were touching most of the time. i could feel his breath on my lips. [REDACTED]. just one kiss,
and then i'll run like i always do.[REDACTED] my head was a ball of cotton. i was dizzy, light-headed,
giddy like a teenage girl. when he pulled away, i tried to suppress a laugh. we had kissed and my lips felt
like fire and i smiled and he smiled back. i can't say i loved him at any point in my life. lust may be a better
word...or would it? i don't know. now whenever i think of dennis my brain turns to cotton. i remember
blinking, and there they were. the galaxies and nebulas i thought i could only see for alan. poor, alan...
we laughed for five minutes, probably out of relief. [REDACTED quincy would have done the same,
i must tell myself that….it had all been such a blur. my brain is of cotton and i cannot continue. i've never
cried because he died, i only cry because i killed the stars i loved to stare at so much when i closed my eyes.
-
after alan’s accident i picked up smoking. quincy wasn't phased by it; alans...accident….i mean. she was
furious when she found the cigarettes in my sweatshirt. i remember that early winter day. i walked alone
to the town's gas station to buy a pack. her and dennis had broken up, and she moved on quicker than i
thought she would. she always told me to get clean or she'd leave me. being clean had made me feel dirty,
like the dangers i was putting my body in made up for what happened to alan. [REDACTED] quincy
remarked i looked 40, not barely close to being a teenager. later that week i had decided to catch a train to
[her area]. it felt like i had forgotten what her voice sounded like. my hobby nowadays is getting clean with
her and smoking alone, or maybe smoking right outside her apartment. it made me feel like she had a reason
to still see me. i had started thinking that maybe i should seriously quit. i had called her to ask her to meet
at the train station, and she said she was with her boyfriend. it was okay, and maybe i would quit next time.
-
my mom used to take my hand. we'd jump over sewage grates together. she'd let me stay up late to watch
the stars with her. she'd hold me tightly when we walked to the park. she'd always take my hand and call
me beautiful. we'd drink milkshakes so fast our brains froze. we would laugh and laugh and laugh over
the smallest things. I miss her, and , honestly, I don't know why she left me. maybe it was because she
favored a childless life. maybe it was because she never really loved my father. one day she took me out
to the park and we got milkshakes and raced lady bugs and jumped over every sewage grate and we
stayed up late watching the stars and she held my hand and put it on her heart. her eyes were reflecting
the stars above as she sniffled and tilted her head back. when I woke up the next morning she was
gone, and she never left any explanation. I still jump over sewage grates and race ladybugs and
sneak out to watch the stars, hoping she would come back to join me. but she never has, and I doubt
she ever will.
-
alan was our school's number-one baseball player. in gym, he had saved me from getting a
black eye countless times by catching instead of freezing up like i did. he would talk to me
about his weekend hikes, how one day he just wants to sell everything and live in the woods.
he didn't tell me directly, but you hear a lot when you sit behind him in every single class. a
few months after homecoming, when it was mid-autumn and already leaf-peeping time, i
remember him inviting his girlfriend, me, and quincy on a hike. his girlfriend graciously
declined (in favor to climb mount Dennis) and quincy was vacationing in paris for her french
class. she told me to go, that nothing bad would happen, but it did. something bad
happened and it was all because of me and i never meant to leave him. he was crying
and telling me to help him and i ran away. i ran for hours and hours and didn't turn back.
he told me quincy was attractive, no, “drop dead [REDACTED] gorgeous” were
his exact words. and i pushed him. [REDACTED i told him i'd be right back but i
just ran. i ran until my lungs burned and breathing caused me physical pain, and i ached
and gasped like a fish and i sat in the grass and dirt until it was late night and then i kept
running. i remember telling quincy on monday that i chose not to go, and he must have
gone alone, and gotten lost, and they'd find him soon. they did not. not until late august
the next year. [REDACTED] i remember when it when on the news[REDACTED]
i heaved for hours after that. i cried and heaved at the thought of the boy who once made
me feel stupidly in love that was now plant fertilizer, all because he complimented quincy
and i chose to kill him. the thought of him now makes my heart feel like lead and i cry,
because i loved him, and i pushed him down the cliff face, and he was a wolf's supper,
and he probably screamed and cried for help and i ran.[REDACTED] it makes my heart
feel like lead and I'm in deep waters and I can't swim, and I wish I would just drown
-
some days it felt like sadness and misfortune were etched into my heart. others, it only
felt like despair. with quincy by my side, i felt subconsciously worried. maybe i was worried
she’d try to talk to me, about some serious things. maybe i was worried she'd leave me. i can't
say whether i enjoyed her company, but she was always with me, so i held my tongue. she
would play with my hair, ‘softest stuff in the world’ she’d say. i always let it grow out too long,
past my ears, then my shoulders, and she’d cut it. she hated my hair long. i couldn't care less.
one day, she was hurriedly snipping away length after length of my hair. it fell to the floor in a
pile by her feet. the scissors grazed my neck and drew blood, she apologized profusely, and i
said i was fine. whether i wanted her company or not, i never knew. maybe i was worried she’d
accidentally hurt me when she was with me. my heart never screamed out in fear when i saw her,
it only grew uneasy, and i took that as a good sign.
-
Its been years. Her eyes didnt know what id been through, who they were seeing. They were
glassy, and it took me a moment to recognize them fully. My skin felt dry, and stretched, the
december air nipped at the skin it saw exposed, tasting its rawness,
Im [sic] okay
I loved her i dont know who she is. She has become this, this. And her eyes were wet, why?
Why do i care, shes here for formality. ‘Weird meeting of old friend’ check. check, check off her list
thank you for meeting me here
I dont like bagels stil i never did. why did she buy me one?
Im worse, i didnt grow i faded i grew sickly [sic] gray [REDACTED] gray and wilted
Its been hours and she left, hours ago, and she left. I dont know how long ive been here
Its been minutes? They arent closing yet, in fact it just got busy. I see it. Thats when i see it, when
i realize its been hours or minutes or seconds or day, thats when i see Him

*Some phrases/words are altered/redacted to comply with CS guidelines! If there are parts that do not make
sense, it is because I had to remove a few sentences in a row.
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Journal [1] Excerpts - January 13th, 2019 to April 2nd, 2019
by Lumpkinz11

This project is to show the constant ebb and flow of mental illness, the effects of falling in love while being mentally ill, and how much things can change in a short amount of time.

1/13/19

"Then I had a dream. I was crawling and had to find a way out."

"I was very excited to be a mom. I woke up sad and lonely."

1/17/19

"I wonder my place in the world. Often I speak of positivity, attempting to convince others of what I cannot convince myself. My future scares me. I have barely begun to experience life, and already I am so lost. I crave change, growth."

1/18/19

"Today was a bit better than yesterday."

"She says there is an eclipse this Monday, signifying a large change/closure in our lives. She says we are between eclipses so that’s why we are all feeling [bad]."

"I want to try to be happy again."

1/24/19

"I’m excited for spring."

"I’m not worried...anymore."

1/26/19

"I’m proud because yesterday I didn’t feel guilty about doing nothing all day, because I was painting..."

1/27/19

"I think when [she] was talking about the eclipse she was right. More so I feel better, happier, and more creative."

Unknown Date

"Tonight, I felt lonely while in a room with my family. For some reason, this was sadder than being alone."

"Should I go back to therapy? Probably, but I’d rather just cry."

2/8/19

"I haven’t been writing a lot. Mainly painting and being sad."

"I’m okay."

2/15/19

"Dear Universe, give me a good, nice boyfriend, please! Thank you in advance."

"I want to write more because I feel less lonely."

2/16/19

"...I cried in the parking lot."

2/17/19

"Today was really productive!"

"I hope I do more tomorrow."

2/18/19

"I’m so happy?"

2/23/19

"On the bright side, days seem to be days again and not just one blur of time!"

2/26/19

"Life feels pretty good today."

3/23/19

"Sometimes I’m curious how my life would be if I moved in with my dad. I want to but also I really don’t want to. I like my current life."

3/24/19

"Not to sound silly but I may be falling in love?"

3/31/19

"...he tried to kiss me. I freaked...after 30 minutes in my driveway I finally kissed him. I covered his eyes with my hands because I was so nervous. "

[Lumpkinz11 Ƹ̴Ӂ̴Ʒ]

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For Me
by Lumpkinz11

The sea was her home, the waves her friends
But one day she felt a pull that transcended
The salty depths and the ocean's roar
It was a longing to explore the shore.

So she swam up to the sunlit beach
Her scales glimmered in the rays she'd reach
The sand felt soft beneath her new feet
And soon she'd find the love she'd seek.

She stepped further onto the land
The wonders of it she could not withstand
As she explored, her heart began to swell
For this was a love she had never felt.

A love that crossed the land and sea
A love that she could never flee
It was a love that was meant to be
It was a mermaid falling in love with me.

[Lumpkinz11 Ƹ̴Ӂ̴Ʒ]

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Sonnet [1]
by Lumpkinz11

A tree that stands so tall, in shades of green,
It reaches to the sky so high above.
Its branches spreading out like arms unseen
Offering a refuge for the birds you love.

As years go by, the trunk begins to age,
Its bark rough and worn, its leaves few and sparse.
The vibrant greens that once adorned its page
Are now replaced with browns and grays, a curse.

As its colors fade, it slowly starts to die,
Its limbs once so strong, begin to fall and break.
The birds that loved it, now must say goodbye
In sadness, they take flight, and so must wake.

The tree still stands, though now it is quite scarce
A life once so full, now empty and bare.

[Lumpkinz11 Ƹ̴Ӂ̴Ʒ]

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A Sailor and the Sea
by Lumpkinz11

A sailor so sad, missing his shore
He yearned for the sight of it ever more
He wished for a way to go there
But alas, the sea was his only fare

The waves so blue, the foam so white
His heart full of longing, no end in sight
Until one day he turned and screamed
And to a seagull his body beamed

He soared the sky, feeling the wind
Though his heart was still heavy within
He flew the sea, and the shore he spied
But the sailor he was, was now gone inside

So look to the sky, for a seagull you'll see
The sailor who loved the shore, so desperately
He'll never forget what he left behind
But the sky and the sea, a new purpose he'd find.