Climb that Wall! please critique

Are you a writer or a poet? Come and share your creations with us, or discuss writing techniques with others
Forum rules
Please only post your own original work, do not post poetry or stories which were written by someone else.

Climb that Wall! please critique

Postby WilloweWolf » Sat Jul 12, 2014 12:10 am

Climb that Wall Cover.jpg
Climb that Wall Cover.jpg (15.32 KiB) Viewed 28 times
This is the story of Crown Princess Shelia Antherat. Her mother, Queen Shani, rules over the kingdom{or should I say queendom?} of Tarkshan, from Indaer, the capitol. When Shelia discovers a plot to overthrow the Queen and take over Tarkshan, she must embark on one of the most dangerous quests of all time...

Enjoy!



It all started when I decided to scale the castle walls. I hated my royal life, always stuck in stuffy rooms during boring political meetings, while I longed to be outside, riding my bay mare or climbing a tree. I had escaped my embroidery lesson, saying I needed to use the latrine. I didn’t return. I perched on top of the battlements, looking over the city of Indaer. I wore simple brown tights and a creamy tunic over a white silk shirt. My brother, Thane, looked up at me from the ground. “Shelia, you’ll get in huge trouble if Mother or Lathe finds you up there.” I sighed, looking down at him. My face wore an expression of pure torture. “Thane, you know I can’t stand my lessons.” I grimaced, “They’re murder!” Thane shrugged, “I’m just trying to save us both from a whipping.”
I stuck my tongue out at him, “Not even you could reach me, Thane, and you know it.”
My brother grinned, “Shelia, ladders.”
The smirk slipped from my face. “I did not think of that one.” I said slowly.

I regained my composure, “Even then, how many can get onto the top spire?” I said, pointing to the cone-shaped roof of the highest turret, on whose battlements I perched, once again smirking. Thane sighed, “Suit yourself.” He turned and tromped back into the castle to get his sword.
“Lucky boys.” I muttered, “They get to train with swords, and all sorts of fun things. Us girls have to learn embroidery! Out of all things, embroidery!” I climbed up to the spire I had mentioned earlier and settled myself comfortably so that most of my weight was distributed evenly. I didn’t want to wake from my daydreaming to find myself sliding down the sloped shingle roof. I laid my head back and gazed up at the clouds drifting lazily across the sheet of blue above. It would be a good day. I sighed and hooked an arm around the thin metal rod protruding out of the top of the tower. I pulled myself up to a sitting position, re-settled myself, and looked angrily in the direction of the courtyard, where raised voices called my name.

I grinned and laid myself flat against the shingles, tapping my clothing. It vibrated, only stopping when it had changed to blend into the shingle. I lay still, hardly breathing, as both Mother and Lathe passed forty feet below. “She must be here somewhere.” My mother was saying. Lathe sighed and turned to her, “Could she be using a camouflage spell?” My mother shook her head vigorously. Her reply drifted up to me, “No, Grinwald said he wouldn’t get there until next year. She must be up on a turret. Have your men check the towers, no need to be thorough.”
Lathe frowned, “Are you sure, your majesty? She is quite good at finding ways to hide herself in the most uncovered spots.”
Mother smiled and patted the young general’s arm, “I’m quite sure, Lathe.”
I frowned. That wasn’t like Mother at all. She’s been acting very oddly lately. I thought, trying to puzzle this out. Could a spell have backfired? No. Mother almost never casts that kind of spell. And when she does, it never backfires. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever heard of one of her spells backfiring.

I heaved a mental sigh and waited. Mother left, headed for the gardens, and Lathe went to round up some men for the search. I grinned and carefully got off the roof. I swung my leg over the half wall and quickly climbed down the castle wall, on the outside. Giggling, I ran off, changing my clothing to look like a commoner’s. I entered the crowded marketplace and approached a salesman, “Hello again, Mr. Hanes.” I said, smiling.
He sighed, “When will you ever learn? You’re the princess, not some farmer’s daughter.”
Crown princess.” I corrected him. “And I doubt I’ll ever learn.”
Bart Hanes scowled, “If one of the guards recognizes you, we’re both in for it.”

I gave him a saucy grin, “I’m a mage, Mr. Hanes.” I moved off humming a common folk song. No, Netta, you can’t come out and gather information yet. I told the impatient pink minor dragon hidden in my cloak pocket. Let me get somewhere where you’ll have a better chance. Then you can come out, my friend. I sighed. No, I won’t keep anything I hear from you… Netta, when have I done something to you to deserve that? ... When did I ground you for squeaking loudly in the middle of the marketplace? … Nonsense. I haven’t been in the market place at all since Mother took me on that outing! … You’re hopeless.

I strolled through the market, stopping every once in a while to ask questions on the goings-on around town. One merchant scowled at me and said, “Where have you been? You seem rather familiar with the marketplace. In fact, you must be here every week to know it so well. And,” He paused to give me a stern look, “You talk to all the merchants that have the most local news.”
I gave him a charming smile, “I live on a farm a few miles out of town. There’s so much work to be done right now, I haven’t gotten the chance to come for a month.”
The merchant snorted, “Off with you.” I smiled and moved on.

I stopped longer at one merchant’s stall as the man told me about a new movement. “They’re trying to get enough followers to over throw Queen Shani.”
I frowned, “But why?”
He sighed, “How am I supposed to know, missy? I’m not all-knowing.” He smiled kindly, “Off with you now, and be careful.” I smiled back and nodded, then ran off. Once I was alone, I spun on my heel and disappeared. I reappeared in my room in the palace. I quickly tapped my tunic, changing my clothing into a floor-length rose-red dress with a slash of cream running from my left knee across to my right foot. My boots changed into soft velvet slippers, and I pulled my loose red hair up into an elegant bun. I glanced at the mirror on the opposite wall and lengthened my sleeves, and just in time. The door opened and I quickly moved over to a table covered in books. I sat down and opened my history book, acting like I had been studying the entire time.

“Where have you been?” Mistress May stood in the doorway with her hands on her wide hips and a scowl on her face. I looked up and said innocently, “Right here, studying.” She gave my hastily designed dress a suspicious glance, “You’re supposed to be working on your embroidery.” I put on a surprised look, “I am? I thought I didn’t have embroidery today.”
“Nonsense!” Mistress May exploded. “You were in that room for half an hour, and you have half an hour more to do, missy.” She walked over to me and hauled me to my feet, dragging me out the door. I scrambled after her as she pulled me by the wrist to the sewing room. “I’ll leave her in your hands now, Margite.” The rather rounded housekeeper said, giving me a warning glare. Madam Margite smiled and nodded, “Come, child. You know you still have much to learn.” I sighed and reluctantly obeyed, following the young woman further into the room, where my embroidery lay on an overstuffed chair.

I picked it up and settled myself comfortably into the chair, while Madam Margite sat daintily on an identical velvet-lined chair beside mine, “Now, remember, now is not the time for slip stitches, Miss Shelia.” I sighed and took a stitch. “No, no, no! No slip stitches!” The half hour dragged by, and I joyfully dashed out of the room to the stables. I quickly willed my clothing to shift into a riding habit, and found my bay mare’s tack. I walked quickly into Silence’s stall and tacked her up, then lead her out to a stump. I climbed up onto the stump and mounted from there, then walked Silence in circles for a bit. I sped up to a trot, and finally cantered into the woods.

My daily ride was bliss for me. I walked Silence along, drawing strength from my two hours of freedom. I took out the bun, freeing my long, wavy red hair. I reached a meadow and, laughing, galloped around it. My hair streamed behind me, and Silence’s hooves glided quietly over the grass, hence her name. I let go of the reigns and threw my arms out, hooting. I collapsed onto the brown neck of my mare, laughing with the joy of freedom. I hiccupped my final laughter, blinking the water out of my eyes. “Oh, Silence, it’s so wonderful out here.” I hugged her neck as she slowed to a trot, and sighed, closing my eyes, “What will I do when I have to leave? No two hours of freedom, no escape from my studies to climb the walls. And, worst of all, no you. It’ll be unbearably boring. I really don’t see why I have to learn these things.” Silence snorted softly, changing her gait to a walk. I settled into the saddle and sighed, sitting up. “I’ll be dead from boredom in no time.” I groaned, patting her soft neck.

How very wrong I was.
Last edited by WilloweWolf on Thu Apr 23, 2015 5:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Image
(Dreamer is NOT for trade.)
For those who haven't read my interests, this is a shared account. My little sis is on more often than me, so don't be surprised if I don't know you.

The only thing I horde is LOTR stamps
Image Image ImageImageImageImageImage
User avatar
WilloweWolf
 
Posts: 5555
Joined: Wed Jul 13, 2011 1:34 am
My pets
My items
My wishlist
My gallery
My scenes
My dressups
Trade with me

Re: Climb that Wall! please critique

Postby WilloweWolf » Thu Sep 25, 2014 9:51 am

Want more of my writing, but not this story? Go here!
Image
(Dreamer is NOT for trade.)
For those who haven't read my interests, this is a shared account. My little sis is on more often than me, so don't be surprised if I don't know you.

The only thing I horde is LOTR stamps
Image Image ImageImageImageImageImage
User avatar
WilloweWolf
 
Posts: 5555
Joined: Wed Jul 13, 2011 1:34 am
My pets
My items
My wishlist
My gallery
My scenes
My dressups
Trade with me

Chapter Two

Postby WilloweWolf » Thu Mar 12, 2015 11:43 pm

An hour later, I trotted Silence into the stable yard. Guiding her over to a mounting block, I dismounted and turned to a stable hand nearby. “Would you rub her down and put her in her box for me?” I grimaced, “I have a history lesson in ten minutes.”
Joel laughed and said cheerily, “Sure, Miss.” I smiled my gratitude and hurried into the castle, changing my clothing back to the red dress I wore before my ride. I hiked up my skirts and hurried up the grand, curved staircase, my steps echoing on the polished mahogany. Indaer Castle wasn’t the stereotype cold stone and draughty halls. The red stone on the outside, packed with iron, seemed to glow in the sunrise and sunset. Perched high on a hill, the castle had a grand view of the city and the surrounding country. Vast gardens offered a peaceful, often romantic walk through the castle grounds. Inside, fires almost always crackled on hearths in every room, warming and lighting the palace. Huge chandeliers lit long halls, bathing the area with a soft, beautiful light. It was down one of these walls I trotted, not wanting the stern Mistress Loche to growl at me for being late. As I hurried down one corridor then the next, I put my hair back into a bun, glancing into mirrors on the walls to make sure I was neat and presentable.

I used a hidden shortcut, pushing aside a rich, surprisingly soft tapestry and hurried along, not noticing the paintings in the largely unused and unknown-of corridor, and the lack of dust. I ducked under a cobweb that wasn’t there anymore and pushed aside another tapestry. I sprinted up to an old wooded door and pushed it open, entering one of the vast libraries of Castle Indaer. I glanced at a water clock on a table nearby and saw that I was two minutes early. I picked out a book and made myself comfortable on a plush chair, tucking my feet up under my skirt. I sat reading the account of the Battle of the Three Rivers until Mistress Loche entered, at four fifty-eight. She gathered the books needed for today’s history lesson and we began at five o’clock exact. Mistress Loche is a very strict teacher, and always insists on doing thing at the exact time they’re supposed to happen. I suppose that’s because of her busy schedule. I sighed as I took notes on various wars, uprisings, and deaths, and searched for books for my report on the Tarkshan-Thanguard War. As I skimmed through the pages of A History of War, something caught my eye. I went back and read it again, carefully imprinting every word in my memory.

The Tarkshan-Thanguard War was begun by a plot to overthrow Queen Shari, late mother and predecessor of Queen Shani. The entire cult was made up of immigrants from Thanguard, thus the war between the two countries. The Red Dawn, as the cult was called, believed that Queen Shari was not properly teaching her citizens religion, and believed that they, the Red Dawn, could. This cult was wiped off the face of the earth, quite literally, by one of Queen Shari’s spells. The Queen died shortly after from a mysterious illness. Her fifteen-year-old daughter, now forty-three (the book was a bit out of date, Queen Shani was fourty-six at the time.), took the throne. Queen Shani has ruled wisely ever since…
The passage went on, but I stopped there. I looked back again.
The Tarkshan-Thanguard War was begun by a plot to overthrow Queen Shari…
What had I heard in the market that very day? “God help us.” I whispered, closing the book. “It’s happening. It’s happening again. History is to repeat itself. First with Grandma, and now with Mother…” I raced out of the library, ignoring Mistress Loche’s ‘Shelia! Come back here!’

I dashed through the hallways, taking as many shortcuts as possible, and skidded to a halt in front of Thane, out of breath. Thane closed his bedroom door. “Shelia? Are you okay?” I nodded, gasping for breath, “Come with me.” I led him through the castle to the sixth floor, then hung a right and passed through an empty room. I stopped in the hallway about halfway down and ran my fingers down the wall. They found a loose stone near the bottom and I eased it out, then tapped my dress yet again. It rippled and transformed into a plain brown tunic and black leggings. I checked to make sure that Thane was behind me, and then ducked into the crawlspace. We went on our hands and knees until the small tunnel opened up into a vast cavern of limestone. Sunlight poured in through holes in the ceiling high above, making bits of silver in the limestone glint and gleam, reflecting sunlight throughout the huge cavern, and I walked over to the edge of the cliff we were standing on. I looked down into the abyss below and took a deep breath. I let out half of it, the jumped.

“Shelia!” Thane yelled, his voice echoing. “Shelia!” He paced along the edge of the cliff, hoping to catch sight of his sister, even though he knew… Wait. What was that? “It’s okay! –kay! –kay! Just jump! –ump! –ump!” It was me, yelling for him to follow me. I looked up and saw him steel himself for the jump. “Thane!” I cried, panic rising. “Jump! Now!” Thane looked confused. I watched helplessly as the figure crept nearer to my brother, a steel dagger glinting in its hand. At the last moment, Thane turned. He gasped and drew his dagger, and the battle commenced.

I watched, hardly breathing, as the two battled. The steel glinted on the knife of Thane’s attacker, and the gold wire wrapped around the hilt of my brother’s glimmered as the knives clashed and clanged. It sounded like a full-out battle to me, because of all the echoes. I focused on the soft glow of gold wire and elongated Thane’s dagger. He hardly blinked as he found that he was suddenly holding a broadsword. He gripped the sword in both hands and swung. “Unfair!” his attacker screamed. I gasped. “Eliza!” I willed myself to rise, and touched back down on the cold stone. “Eliza!” I bellowed. The fight stopped and a stunned silence ensued. “What do you think you’re doing?!”
“I-I-I was told to guard the place, r-r-r-remember?” Eliza stammered, looking down at the ground.
This made me angry. “Do you not know my brother when you see him?” I yelled, growing red in the face. Eliza cowered under my angry gaze. I had added a few inches to my height to add to the effect. The cavern grew dark, then suddenly lightened up again as Thane touched my shoulder, “Shelia, stop it. It’s not Eliza’s fault.”

I sighed, “You’re right, as usual, Thane.” I turned to Eliza. “I’m sorry, Eliza. I lost control of my temper.” Eliza shook her head, her soft red curls bouncing wildly, “No, it’s my fault. You’re probably already stressed out enough as it is.” She lowered her voice, “Rumors have reached the Underground about this…” She whispered the last word: “Cult.”
Poor Thane looked completely lost. “Cult? What cult?”
I turned to him, “Sorry, Thane. Let me explain.” I told him about the Red Dawn cult, and the rumors in the market about a plot to overthrow our mother.

“So… You’re saying that this cult, the Red Dawn, could start up a war?” Thane asked, totally incredulous. I nodded grimly, “And they will. History is to repeat itself.” I shrunk back down to my usual height and sat down a stalagmite whose top half had broken off, leaving a flat-ish surface knee-high off the ground. I groaned, “I’m such an idiot!”
It was Eliza’s turn to look confused, “What? No you’re not.”
I shook my head dismissively. “You don’t understand.” I replied. I turned to Thane. “I need you to go to my room and get A Book of Magical Defense and Offence, okay?”
Thane nodded, “Okay. Anything else you need me to fetch?”
I nodded, “My staff. It’s beside my practice dummy against the far wall, in the corner.” Thane nodded and dashed off.
“And be careful! Mother’s not herself!” I hollered after him. The last words echoed around the room. ‘Mother’s not herself! Mother’s not herself!’

I shivered. It’s far too true. I wish… I wish none of this had happened, no matter what century it was in.
“Shelia?” Eliza stepped closer. “Are you okay?” I jerked my head up, startled.
“Oh, uh. I’m fine. Or, at least, as fine as one can be these days.”
Eliza smiled grimly. “It is always that way in times like this…” Her half-smile faded and she sighed, picking up her dagger from where she had dropped it during my fury-vent. “I’m sorry, my lady.” I frowned, confused. “Sorry for what?” I even forgot to tell her not to call me my lady. Eliza frowned and tilted her head. “You don’t remember? I refused to hand over the gem, that’s what started all this.” Understanding dawned on me and I laughed grimly. “There is a very different, and far more valid, reason for this.” I replied, choosing my words carefully. “This has happened before, you know of that. Sadly, it will happen again. These things always happed generation after generation, and there is no stopping them.”

I wish it wasn’t true. I wish none of this was true. I wish… Agh, I wish many things. I rose and walked over to the edge of the cliff. Looking down, I asked Eliza, “How many have answered the summons?”
“Around fifty, my lady, and more coming every day.”
I sighed. “It won’t be enough. We need more people to overcome this. We cannot do it alone. I will send an envoy to the mage’s guild in Salareth.”
Eliza gasped. “Salareth, my lady? But, it’s been taken!”
“I know, Eliza!” I snarled, “But they will come! Each member of the guild takes an oath to answer any call from me or Grinwald.” I sighed and muttered under my breath, “They must come. They must!”

Eliza didn’t hear; she was too busy rummaging around in her cloak pocket for her seer’s orb.
“That will do you no good against this foe, Eliza. They have powerful magic to prevent exactly what you were planning.” I threw in the ‘were’ as a bit of a command. Eliza put the glass orb back.
“Yes, m’lady.”
“Stop calling me that, Eliza.”
“Yes, Princess.”
“Don’t call me that, either. Just Shelia.”
“Yes, Shelia.”
I gave up and turned as Thane re-entered the cavern. He held my oak staff and a book called ‘A book of Magical Defense and Offense.’ I took them from him and flicked through the pages of the book until I found it. A spell for finding impostors and liars, I know it sounds a bit cheesy, but it was the spell I needed. I had a feeling the cult had a spy or two in our group.

“Ostendite mihi mendacium” I murmured.
“Ostende mendaces. Et turtur nidum sibi, ostende mihi.”

Three ghostly images appeared in front of us, wavering like mist.
“Orthep, Mithep, and Shalia.” Eliza murmured sadly. I nodded.
“They must be found and dealt with. We cannot have them leaking our plans.” Eliza nodded reluctantly and jumped off the cliff, landing easily on the net below. I heard her walk briskly down the tunnel below toward our headquarters.

“So…” Thane said, dragging my attention away from the three images floating a few inches off the ground in front of me.
“What exactly is this group you were taking me to?”

“It’s basically the kingdom’s secret police. I set it up to keep an eye out for things such as this cult. Our job is to track it down and annihilate it as quickly as possible. There are branches all over the kingdom, mainly in the small, backwater villages and in the big cities. This is the entrance to the main headquarters.” I sweep my arm out to indicate the whole of the huge underground cavern we stood in.

“Small villages and big cities? What do they have to do with each other?” Thane asks, clueless despite his lessons in (war) strategy.

I sighed. “Both are good places for a rebel group to hide, you blithering idiot. They’re also good places for the ‘secret police’ to hide.” I continued with my explanation of the group itself. “We’re a rather large group, spanning most of the kingdom. Most of us are mages, seers, or spies.” I chuckled wryly. “Most of our spies were once accomplished assassins.” Thane made a weird face, and I grabbed his sleeve. “Come on, let me show you the HQ.” I dragged him to the edge and jumped, pulling him with me. I let go about halfway down, allowing him to free-fall onto the net at the bottom. I twisted in the air so I wouldn’t fall on him. I hopped off the net and helped Thane up, then led him down a long tunnel lit by flickering torches. Sighing, I snapped my fingers. The torched flared up, twice as bright as before. Thane blinked. “It seems having a mage for a sister has its advantages.”

I laughed. “You just now figured that out?” I stopped at a huge, plain wooden door. A quiet, sinister voice rasped a question from the other side. “What, is the color of the night?”
“Sanguine, my brother.” I replied simply. The door swung open.
“That’s a big door.” Thane murmured. I grinned. It was a big door. Almost a foot thick, the door was seven feet tall and four feet wide, studded with sharp metal spikes. “I meant it to look rather terrifying” I admitted. “Well, you succeeded.” Thane told me. I stepped through the door and nodded to the tall, skinny man who had opened the door. “You’re getting to the point where you’re almost scaring me with that question, Malek.” He grinned.
“I’m flattered, milady.”
“And don’t call me that!” I called over my shoulder as I led Thane down another torch-lit hallway. As we entered the first chamber, Thane gasped. He stared about him in wonder at all the people. Short, tall, thick, thin, human, elf, dwarven, and all manner of other creatures milled about, calling greetings to one another.

I spread my arms in a gesture that took in the entire room. “Welcome, Thane, to the headquarters of Pueri Umbra, the Shadow Children.”


Last bumped by WilloweWolf on Thu Mar 12, 2015 11:43 pm.
Image
(Dreamer is NOT for trade.)
For those who haven't read my interests, this is a shared account. My little sis is on more often than me, so don't be surprised if I don't know you.

The only thing I horde is LOTR stamps
Image Image ImageImageImageImageImage
User avatar
WilloweWolf
 
Posts: 5555
Joined: Wed Jul 13, 2011 1:34 am
My pets
My items
My wishlist
My gallery
My scenes
My dressups
Trade with me

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 0 guests