*critique me* (you post, I critique)

[OctaSmile]

Okay, thank you! The main thing I want to know is if it seems too weird, or if it's too confusing.
viewtopic.php?f=57&t=1961998

[Cadin Araceli]

Ok! I'll read it after work. It might take until tomorrow for me to finish

[OctaSmile]

Okay!

[AninaAna]

you don't mind if it isn't on chickensmoothie do you?

Mirian

it's on wattpad.com and it's kind of a romance..type thing, i'm still not entirely sure what genre it would be, maybe crime and romance or... i don't know. The link goes to the 'blurb' for the story, it kind of explains a bit but, not much. If you don't feel comfortable reading it though, i understand. I mean, it's not bad, but.. yeah, the 'blurb' explains why i say that. Thanks ^_^

[Cadin Araceli]

If I'm not too busy sometime, I'll take a look and pm you my critique

[AninaAna]

thankyou! XD

[SᴇᴄʀᴇᴛFᴏʀᴛᴜɴᴇ]

Would you possibly mind reading my original story, "I'm coming home"?
I would very grateful, if you would.

[Cadin Araceli]

(of course I will! I'll try to get to it today ^-^)

Reflections
So at first it is a little confusing. Just because it's not immediately apparent what is a thing and what is a 'person'. A way to clear this up would be to also describe how the people look, like the shape they take and the color of their 'body' because right now it's just blobs. There is also some confusion for me at the mirror pond. If there was a little more description about that situation specifically, that would be great.
As for the piece as a whole, I really like it. The language is almost poetic and it's very alluring to me. I know I was going on previously about needing more detail, but the detail you give right now is amazing and I love the way you describe it in a way that lets us know that your creature is feeling like, instead of just showing us. It paints a lovely picture and I do hope you post more of the story. Even if you don't clean up what confusion there is now, I think that maybe the more you write, the reader will naturally come to understand this world, so it's however you want your reader to see it in the end.
Just make sure you don't have too many fragments in your work. It can make reading choppy. And doesn't quite work with the language of your piece.

I hope this helps Would you like me to also post with on the story topic, or to you want that thread just for the story?

[Captain Chomp]

Not the End, but the Beginning of the End
So it starts off really amazing! I have all these questions as to why there is a building on fire and what exactly is going on and it really draws me in. The description is amazing, and I hope you are able to keep it up as you continue with your story (yes, you're continuing. I have questions that need answers)
But once the conversation starts, you kind of deviate away from your characters mind set so quickly it's kind of confusing. Make sure you keep letting us know what's going through your characters head just as much as you did before the conversation. Especially in the beginning. This allows us to move through the emotions with him, and find out exactly who your character it.
Also, there are places where it gets clogged up with a lot of adjectives and it choppy. Reading it allowed and kind of viewing character actions in your head should help you clear that up.
Then there is the fact that this is the prologue and I still am not sure what's going on. Just a building on fire. If you could throw in a little more explanation, just enough that we have a better idea but not a full idea, that would be great and I think it would also help you move into the later sections.
Do a proof read through, there was some spelling errors. Easily missed but always good to get just the same.
And this came more from my old English teacher and I try to keep to it as much as possible "Tears must be earned." Meaning there has to be a lot of emotion behind crying. Not just to show someone is sad or to make it dramatic. Being that it is only the first draft of your prologue, maybe the tears shed so far are earned. But at this point it is coming off as cheesy and overdone.
Overall, good read. I can't wait to read more and see what else happens!

Thank you so much. I will work on it on monday as much as I can (I won;t be able to get to a computer on Saturday and Sunday)

[Cadin Araceli]

I'm coming home
Through the whole thing, it's all about this struggle and there is nothing really about your character, more than just hope and memories. Memories the reader doesn't get to see. Throwing those kind of things in or even flashbacks to random events that eventually hold relevance, would break up the monotony of walking and sleeping. Make sure you do a proof read, there was some capitalization errors, spelling errors, and some fragments. Read your piece allowed, I think that will help you find what needs to be broken up.
If you have your character doing the same thing for multiple days, don't describe each day. I don't care about each individual day. Time skip, give a overview of whats been going on the past 3-4-5 days/weeks/whatever and then give us what has changed enough that you are bringing us back into the details of the characters life.
Double check that the times you are giving us line up, making a time line will help with that so you don't mix up days. It's minor, but cleaning that up will really make it a better read.
The short chapters aren't a problem, just make sure you continue to have something different happen each chapter, and it would be a good idea for there to be a build up, of something more amazing and capturing each chapter. A good technique to keep people reading is to place something new at the end, like spotting something in the distance or hearing a voice or collapsing or whatever. It's the knowledge of not knowing what comes next that pushes the reader to continue on and read the next chapter and the next (i.e. reasons that sometimes you can't put down a book). Now you don't want to do this EVERY chapter, but having it happen often, especially in the first few, would help us get sucked into the scene, become attached to your character, and want to know more what happens to her and her life and all these things.
Over all, it has really great promise and I will probably continue reading it on my own (if I don't get caught up with other things) and I hope you continue with it and feel good about what you're writing, Because you should.
If there is anything you have questions about in general, feel free to ask
Also, would you like me to post this on your topic as well, or just leave it here?