*critique me* (you post, I critique)

[LawfullyNeutral]

I found an old poem I wrote and I am wondering what you think.




Darkest hour

Reaching from the biggest flame,
Down to the smallest flower,
To the friends who are aleays true,
There to guide us in our darkest hour,
Thank you

[.bluejay.]

http://www.chickensmoothie.com/Forum/viewtopic.php?f=57&t=1989622
Please critique,
Thanks!

[Fenric]

Edit:
Can you give me advice on this comic I just made? Page one is up, and it's mostly writing.

Can you critique this poem I made? It's supposed to be a song

Haven't got much to remember
Maybe it's because of the hole in my head
Memories keep falling out the seams
Call a doctor, 911, I need patched up

A bit unstable
My mind's whirling and it's
Just a bit insane
You can trust me, I don't doubt that
There's something infecting my brain

You wouldn't listen
I didn't either
A different vision
Of both and neither
Are we evil?
Am I wrong?
Too late for asking
The answer's gone

You say you want to surrender
Maybe it's because we're already dead
We keep getting lost in our dreams
Call a doctor, we can't wake up

A bit regretful
My vision's fading and it's
Hard to stay in reality
One can't trust what they feel
When they're ghosts of memories

You can't stay still
Though's moving's painful
I think I'll be ill
I feel hateful
You say you love me
I guess you're wrong
You won't see me
I'm already gone

I don't have much to feel
Maybe it's because of the hole in my heart
Heartaches keep burning my emotions
Call a doctor, 911, I feel dead

A bit lonely
I'm finally learning and I
Know love's just a price to pay
I can't trust that face in the mirror
That one that never goes away

You've finally moved on
I knew it was coming
No one to lean on
My thoughts are running
You know, I guess we
have made a mistake
It's always lovely
Until you wake

Don't know much about what's real
Maybe it's because I lie awake in the dark
My thoughts curl in strange motions
Call a doctor, there's a knot inside my head

A bit bored
It's all expected and I
Wish you'd come back
But can I trust the one who left?
No, I'm smarter than that

I'm frozen
I can't move on
The path I've chosen
Is too long
Am I evil? Am I wrong?
Too late for asking
My love has gone

I love you, I love you
You loved me, I loved me
Who do you love now?
Who do you love now?!

I can't forget that, I loved you
You have forgotten, you loved me
Do you love somebody else now?
Who do you love now?

Call a doctor, call a doctor
911, 911, someone
I'm dreaming, I'm still dreaming
But you have moved on

You're safe, you're safe now
But I'm in danger still
But I give up, I'll give up
I have no reason to go on

Never forget that, never forget that...
(Never forget, never forget that)
I once loved you, and you once loved me
Never forget, never forget that...
Never forget, never, never forget that
(Never forget, never forget)
I once loved you, and you once loved me
I once loved you, and you once loved me too

[Cadin Araceli]

Sorry I haven't been on here as much! I'll get to critiquing everyone asap!

[Cadin Araceli]

Heart and Hooves Day Magic (MLP fanfic)
Very good piece when it come to direction and focus. I would see if you could do a little more do add to the girls thoughts beyond just finding their special pony. And maybe in later chapters explore a bit about the influence their special pony has on them. There wasn't many spelling errors, one or two, but go ahead and read through to fix those up. I can't say much for keeping to character as I don't watch the show, but the characters you have laid out are consistent. Beyond that, I don't have anything. Feel free to ask me any question or concerns you have with your piece of course!

[Cadin Araceli]

Darkest Hour
It's very short, which isn't a problem if you are getting a point across quick. But there seems to be a lot more to explore with your poem. Like a little more explanation as to what exactly is going on and carrying on with that. Also, read over there was one spelling error. nothing major, just always a good thing to check for. And if the thank you at the end is included in the poem, I would suggest removing it. It removes us from the poem and brings us away from the meaning behind it.
There is a comma after every sentence, which in a poem is generally unnecessary, but it has a certain affect, like taking a breath or the idea turning in your head type of thing. So if that is the feel you want, keep it. Otherwise, I would suggest editing that up a little.
Overall a great start. And a good topic to write about with the style you have.

[.bluejay.]

Heart and Hooves Day Magic (MLP fanfic)
Very good piece when it come to direction and focus. I would see if you could do a little more do add to the girls thoughts beyond just finding their special pony. And maybe in later chapters explore a bit about the influence their special pony has on them. There wasn't many spelling errors, one or two, but go ahead and read through to fix those up. I can't say much for keeping to character as I don't watch the show, but the characters you have laid out are consistent. Beyond that, I don't have anything. Feel free to ask me any question or concerns you have with your piece of course!

Thanks!

[Koranten]

Ok here goes nothing






Pull The Trigger

It’s late and you’re out digging her grave
You know you can’t change her fate
It’s written in the stars
It’s written in her scars
But I won’t pull the trigger
(Please pull the trigger)
I won’t end her suffering
(Please put me out of my misery)
You want me to pull the trigger
But I can’t bring my self to put my finger on the trigger and pull
(pull the trigger)
Let your mind run blank
(as blank as the paper)
Put your finger on the trigger
(pull the trigger)
Let the bullet pierce her heart
Turn her blood into art
When her body hits the ground
Push her into her grave
I don’t want to pull the trigger
(you pulled the trigger)
She didn’t scream, she saw it coming
It was foreseen
(foreseen foreseen)
But I pulled the trigger
(you pulled the trigger)
I ended her suffering
(you ended my life)
I didn’t want to put my finger on the trigger and pull
(but you did, you did)
Now her eyes are blank
(as blank as the paper)
Because I put my finger on the trigger
(you pulled the trigger)

[strawbaerry]

hello~ i just started writing a story, here and i would love some critique~ ^^

[Cadin Araceli]

TaneTane's 3rd poem
So there is a good start on this, but I feel like at this current time it is much too vague. Especially in the beginning. You have to remember the reader/listener will not know that story behind it. If it is going to be a song, I would recommend having a more defined chorus, and shaping up the verses so they are around the same length (you can have one or two that would be the "rift" if you will that don't fit the pattern). Depending on how it is sung you might also want to consider a rhyming scheme.
For a poem though, just bringing in a little more detail would be good. It's a great start, now keep going!