ೃ⁀➷ 𝕥𝕙𝕚𝕤 𝕔𝕠𝕦𝕝𝕕 𝕓𝕖 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕕𝕒𝕪

[pearljam]

i don't really know where i am at the moment,
i guess i'm having a lot of second thoughts
knowing that i'm responsible for my life and no one else makes me nervous
i like to be told what to do to a certain degree
i want an answer to things and the answer would lie in another person
someone to blame if things go wrong
but that is no longer

do i really want to be doing what i'm doing right now?
do i really care as much as i should about things i need to?
could you let me know what i should do?

[pearljam]

i long for advice from you,
i don't think you would approve but i am a product of my own environment
and, although i'm out of there, my past still lingers
& sometimes i choose what myself in the past would choose, as she comes out sometimes
she wants the things she didn't have
i want the things i never had

[pearljam]

i wonder if you know anything about me,
you know, the things we don't talk about
i wonder what you've been told
i think you'd be happy to hear the details of what i've been up to
i'm finally living
there are people around me now who i believe care about me
they have to be pretty amazing for me to think that

[pearljam]

i hope i have a close female friend again one day,
you can't talk to anyone like you can a girl best friend
who will you make flower bracelets with?
who will teach you how to braid your hair?
who will you rant to?
who will comfort you through the rough?
i hope she will know me inside out and accept my flaws
i hope we can relate to things that mean the most to me
i hope she is authentic and doesn't view me as a threat
i hope she loves me
i hope i can eventually give the love i'm holding to you

[pearljam]

i hope i find peace one day
i will always wonder what you think of the new game update
& i get excited for a moment, knowing i will hear your opinion soon
but i stop myself
you're not here anymore
i hope i find peace one day, for am i so stuck in the past
i have so much here
this life i have built for myself didn't occur overnight, i have put in so much effort, so why do i dwell on the past?
despite it being so good, & of course not everything is perfect but i wish you could bring me one more day
one more day of him purring & sleeping on my arm under the covers

[pearljam]

and i'd go back to the day we first met
to that autumn day in april
because i know i cannot go back and tell myself to run
would i if i could? well, i'm not entirely sure
the feeling of excitement and joy you gave me to begin with, maybe i would want to relive that
the pain you caused me led to the foundation of my life today
i miss my innocence, the innocence you ripped away from under my feet with no remorse
i wish you felt something
sometimes i want to catch you up on things that have been going on
but i can't
& i know i have grown so much to realise that

[pearljam]

i'm glad you escaped,
i wish you escaped later
why didn't you escape later?
then again, i took a while to escape
is my current age a long time to escape?
is it?
or is it early?
your eyes were open a lot earlier
why did you let it get so far?

wed july 12, 2023

[pearljam]

thank you for giving me a home
thank you for giving me what i really needed,
what i really needed to experience and feel.
where i finally feel safe
i don't have to worry
i have my own space

i wish i could tell you that we did it
we actually lived in the apartment complex you dreamed about
you drove past them often while in the back of the car,
daydreaming about what life would be like if you lived there
how impossible it seemed

i can't believe january 2023 was this year,
life has changed so much.
i've been so incredibly lucky
for i see the world differently now, what a blessing that is
i am capable of the things i once thought were too out of my ability
oh, how others words can shape your perception

i'm going to miss you, apartment 319. although you only housed me for the last half of my final university semester, we've made so many memories.
i wish i could stay forever.
i hope the next person you have under your roof is as grateful as i,
because i know how blessed i am to be here
please look after them - i know you will
i don't want this chapter to end, i wish it would never end
these walls could tell many stories that are worthy of a book.
you experienced my transition into my 20s, a scary time
but you let me know i had a safe place to rest
here's to a new chapter, a new beginning
i wonder what this summer will bring
thank you for being there for me, i love you!
i hope you liked my poster of the smiths as much as i do (:

[pearljam]

goodbye

[pearljam]

it's never over