↪ 【 journal/random writings 】

[✦ nemuri]

a Mood:

[✦ nemuri]

they dont understand how physically painfully it is for me right now
they dont understand how i'm not doing it for them; i was never doing it for them
they dont understand how i've started to hate piano and music because of them

they dont understand how they warp things so much to the point their arguments dont even make sense

they dont know what they're talking about. i had the clock with me. i know and they didn't know
yet they still try to argue back, thinking that they're in the right when they're clearly not

[✦ nemuri]

me, when haru has flashbacks of ikuya during that first episode: 👀

you know that i'm gonna eventually use ikuya as a rp fc,,,, :,,,))

[✦ nemuri]

我不知道为什么我在哭。我的心在痛。我的头是痛的。眼泪不停的往下流。我不知道为什么我在哭。
我真的不想呆在这个世界里。

请别跟我说话。我不想听见你们说话的声音。我需要一个安静的地方来想事情。。。

我真的好累。请救我。


对不起。都是我的错。我不知道这么能改我自己，可是。。。我不能这样。
如果我要活，我应该怎么办才好？

[✦ nemuri]

this song came on my soundcloud autoplay and i just. started to cry because it reminded me of how happy i was back in spring, 2017. i met so many good people that year, but one of the memories that sticks with me the most was how she got me into utaites and more vocaloid songs in general. i... this is such a nostalgic song because it was the first song i listened to from mafumafu and urata, and although i didn't like it too much at first, it definitely holds a special place in my heart now.

god i miss talking to her. we're both busy, in different time zones, and tired in general, but i'm gratefully enough to know that she still talks to me every now and then. riri, if you're reading this, then know that i really appreciate everything you've done for me, and i won't let myself forget about these lighthearted and laughter filled times. thank you for being a beacon of light when i'm struggling to find my way through the darkness, and thank you for never failing to lift my spirits with your words. you accepted who i am and i honestly can't ask for anything more.

[✦ nemuri]

feelikng panicky and ill at ease. i want to cry to release some pent up stress, but i cant ???? seem to cry for whatever reason and now im scrunching up my face and it's really uncomfortable and ksdjfaosdkfjkdfjsd please just let me cry. tbh i dont even remember wh y i want to cry i just. felt like crygin the moment i woke up and why is keeping everything pent up my go-to response in these sorts of situations.i'm just always searching for some form of validation and satisfaction, but even receiving them doesn't mak e me feel any better. it's honestly like i can't do a single thing right, not even the things i enjoy doing. everything i write just seems //wrong//, everything i draw has the wrong proportions, and i cant even think of any unique layouts for coding. all i have are these ideas jumbled up in my head, but due to my inability to turn them into a reality, that's all they will ever be. ideas, ideas that make me want to tear my hear out and scream to the skies because i can't actually do any of them

i also really need to stop making promises i know i can't keep. i also need to take a large step away from the internet. am i going to do any of the two things? debatable. i say i'm trying, but am i really? everything is so confusing. i'm confused. i'm confused. i don't know what to think, or what to say, or what to do. i'm stuck in this endless cycle with no way out, and it's actually killing me inside. as far as i know, 2018 has been a better year than 2017 based on what i've experienced so far, but i know that if i continue down this path, then 2018 will be no different from 2017.

maybe writing this alll down was a good idea. maybe it wasn't. i dont know. all i know is that my shoulders and hands are starting to shake. i dont know what this means. is this a good sign? i dont know. i want to deny everything. i dont want to accept anything. if this is a dream, then why can't i wake up?

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

aW0gc2hha2luZywgd2h5IGNhbid0IGkgc3RhcnQgY3J5aW5nIGFscmVhZHk=

dGhpcyBpcyBzbyBwYWluZnVsLiBpIHdhbnQgaXQgdG8gc3RvcC4=


aSdtIHNvcnJ5LiBpIHRydWx5IGFtLg==

i think....... it'll be a good idea for me to put my thoughts into strings of code like this. that way, whenever i accidentally come across, i won't automatically read it, nor know what it says. obviously, since it lookks like spam, i'll have. regular words as some sort of intro and outro or something i dont know im becoming confused again i need to cry but i cant cry and oh god im falling back into that cycle i need to stop i need to stop i need to

[✦ nemuri]

to do list:

- finish personality of aisuke, kaelin, chiyoko, rin, ren, cordelia
- work on vok storage ; carnation info
- finish hyouka dammit
- also those relationship replies for deku nd sooki smh
- kazuya fic when

will remove stuff as i finish; once totally completed, i'll delete this list or smthn



heck i dont want to do anything of these rn so i guess i'll just draw dkfjdksk



edit : all of these are on hold bc i suck......... i just. want to draw and forget about school sdkfjKSDJFK. there's something else that i had wanted to add to this list as well, but i managed to forget. it'll come back to me eventually. hopefully

[✦ nemuri]

name: Kaede
class: lower demon
fashion: pastel
features: 2 horns, 2 eyes
skin: pale
personality: silly & excited
fixation: luxuries

this is strange but it's interesting at the same time. might draw this after i finish the things on my to-do list, or at least complete most of them..... ;w;

[✦ nemuri]

SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUT UPS HUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP SHTUP UP SHUTUP SHUTUP
i was a fool to ever think that i felt safe. i have to leave. i cant take this anymore. they don't understand... they don't understand anything. they think they're helping me, when they're constantly berating me and breaking me down inside.

i hate this. i was a fool to ever think that it might've actually started to get better.

[✦ nemuri]

things i learned about me when sick today:

1. i get really talkative irl
2. i also voice my opinions a lot more
3. ............. yeah i like arguing when im sick
4. ??? but WAIT i could also be,,, completely lifeless and just sit there like. hgdfjkl what is life
5. what is life indeed @ first two days of being sick
6. but if i lose my voice when sick then i cant be talkative since i cant. speak. or say anything at all
7. kaede used desperation. it was (?) not super effective...