Galipaygo’s Writing - Wanting Critique Whenever

[Galipaygo]

I decided I would create a thread to help improve my writing since I plan to be an author soon! So I would like to gain some critique from users on my works and you all are free to discuss it if you’d like, just make sure to follow CS rules and I’ll try to follow them as well ^^
Feel free to go outside of forums, they are just there to let me know when my work ends and other people’s comments or whatever begins. Mainly to catch my eye! Just make sure people doing casual chat within topic respond to others, I won’t set a commenting limit - it’s just to make sure everyone is welcome. You can respond or expand on critique too!

Forum to critique:

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[center][color=#FF0000][size=150]I’m Critiquing Your Work![/size][/color][/center]
Which Story?:
The Good(If applicable):
The Bad(If applicable):
Other:

Forum to chat:

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[center][color=#0000FF][color=150]I’m Discussing![/color][/color][/center]
Respons(es) to Other User(s):
Which Story?(If applicable):
Discussion:
Other:

Table of Contents:
WIP forever

[Galipaygo]

Number 1

Bang! The building crumbles to the ground in an istant, pieces flying everywhere and the fires of a bomb flying up into the air then disipating almost instantly. “I need backup!” Can be heard from a few hundred feet away faintly. The gunfire of hundreds of guns surrounds you... “Medpack! I need a medpack! I’m dying!”
“Help me! I’ve been shot!”
“Ugh...!”
All your alies scream for help from you but you have to choose only one action at a time, risking all the others with every step you take. Behind you you hear the cocking of a weapong and you turn to see an enemy taking aim. Bam! You fall to the ground as the bullet makes contact, no time for you to react, and the scene goes red.
You have died
“Gah- why does this game have to show the ‘you died’ thing every time? I know I died nuckleheads, no need to rub it in!” Cypress rants to his teammates as a countdown appears on his screen.
10
“If you hate it so much why not stop playing? Noob.”
9
“How about you shut your trap, I’ve had enough of you with your constant dying and begging for a medpack!”
8
“Well I wouldn’t need to if someone played the game better!”
7
“Uhm, you? I don’t affect your ability to suck!”
6
The spectator mode of the camera pans from enemy to ally, showing what they are doing and who they’ve killed. There is debris everywhere, bodies littering the ground the warriors fought on.
5
“I’m almost in, just try to survive while you wait dorks.”
4
“How insulting.”
3
“They got checkpoint 2!”
2
“Head to mid, I’ve got an airstrike coming.”
1
The screen fades to black as Cypress is spawned back into battle, ready to take back the checkpoint. “Let’s win this.”

[Galipaygo]

Story 2

I silently skipped along the snowy path as snow crystals gently glided through the air. Pine trees in deep slumber surrounded me, housing small creatures awaiting the snow to melt away and reveal Spring. A small breeze made my (H/C) hair wave as I traveled.
A crow stared intently at me from its spot in a tree. Its ebony feathers acting as an invader in this snowy white forest. Red eyes stabbed through me as it stared silently, examining my every move. I continued on my way, completely unaware of this unseen stalker from above that watched me so closely.
A small log house emerged from the dense forest, taking over the small clearing that there was. The house seemed large enough to house a small family of about four people. Dust covered the old aged windows and window sills, thick enough to prevent anyone of peering inside, or out. Abandoned spiderwebs and wasp nests hid around the gutters and around the door, adding to the intimidating look the house gave off. It was very old looking the the wood was clearly rotting away into nothing. At some point, this place might have been a nice home, but now...
The door slowly opened with a creaking noise and snow flew inside, as if trying to invade this area as well. I cautiously made my way to the door and peered inside, looking for the person that opened the door. The lights were all off and there seemed to be no one inside the home. 'How could the door have opened...?' I thought to myself as I slowly and carefully made my way inside. The sound of a crow squawking and flapping its wings filled the eerie silence, causing me to jump out of my skin and snap my head towards the door. My heart pounded as I tried to convince myself it was nothing to be scared of. The ebony crow landed on the snowy ground just outside the door, staring right at me. My head tilted in confusion and I stepped forward slightly. "Shoo..." I said in a soft voice, flicking my hands towards the crow in a sign to go away. The crow however did not even flinch at my sudden movements, it only stared at me with those red eyes. I began to feel cold sweat on my head and neck and stood there, staring back at the crow.
I got a bad feeling from this crow and eventually tried to step forward again, in an attempt to scare the crow off again and escape this feeling. My feet seemed to be glued to the ground and I couldn't move them. I began to panic and tried harder to move, but to no avail. Soon enough, I watched the light of the outside quickly disappear from inside the house as the door swung closed with great force.
*SLAM*
I flinched at the sound and then fell onto my bottom, having been released by whatever was holding my in place. I instantly got up and ran to the door, jiggling the handle and trying to open the door. The darkness began to consume me and I closed my eyes in pure fear, feeling a dark presence around me, suffocating me, trapping me. I began to scream at the door and pound on it as I tried further to open it. My fear only grew as I realized that no matter what I did, the door would not open. I ran to the windows and began to dig my nails into the wood under them, trying with all my might to open them. Now I began to hyperventilate. There was no way out, the windows wouldn't open and neither would the door.
I wiped the dust from a window and it flew everywhere when my hands made contact with them, causing me to cough. I looked at the window once recovered from the dust to see the window itself was grimy and impossible to see out of. I sat down against the wall under the window and tried to calm myself down before I passed out with fear and lack of oxygen. The smell of this house was vile and thick with something I could not identify. There was no getting used to this air, no matter how long you spent in it. I longed to see the outside world again, be outside in the sun, go back home in the city. Even though it has only been a short amount of time since I got trapped, it felt like years. I couldn't stand to be here any longer. Every passing second made the house darker and seem scarier, if that was even possible. Voices screamed in my head, telling me things like, 'You are stuck here forever!' and, 'You will die, there is no way out!!!' I shook my head and hugged my legs. "I will get out of here..." I muttered to myself in an attempt to gain back my lost courage.
That was until a booming sound of heavy footsteps filled the silence, making me look around for the source. It was right in front of me, in the dark hallway that lead to what I believed to be a bedroom. The owner to the footsteps was coming closer and closer at a fast pace, daring to come and attack or worse. I closed my (E/C) eyes in pure fear and curled up into my legs, feeling tears stream down my face. I was shaking so bad... My hair stood on end and goose bumps covered my body with this unseen presence. Then the sounds stopped. I slowly opened my eyes and looked around the room. Nothing seemed different... I slowly stood up but froze when I heard a knocking on the door, front door, that I came through. Only... It sounded like it came from inside the house...

This is part 1