[black water]

recently i've come to terms with the face that i can't handle a lot of things as well as i'd like to hope. though i prided myself on being able to stick through tough situations, it's hit me today that really i was not handling anything. i've let everything build up and come to a boiling point, and though it was okay in the time, that point eventually has to come to. when it finally did, it was like my entire perception of reality had been altered. the tinted lenses in which i viewed reality were suddenly lightened, and now i'm faced with the results of bottling things up for too long.

i can't handle negative situations like i had thought i could. even now, just the slightest hint of something going wrong throws me so off guard that i'm trapped in a spiral for days. letting everything build and bottle up for so long had its long-term effects, and now i'm put into a position where i have to deal with that. i've learned how hard it truly is to handle myself while trying not to let anyone else down in the process. it's tricky to convince myself to even speak when i'm so afraid of the idea of something going wrong.

i worry that i've upset others so much because of myself, but i've just worked myself up so much to the point that i exert my worries everywhere else. it's inconvenient at any times, though it's really just a part of me that i need to know how to balance properly. letting my friends down or taking too long has always been one of my greatest worries, but i know that really they will be okay.

now, i'm stuck in a state where i don't know what's real or what i've made up in my head. it's troubling to come to terms with thoughts and ideas like this, but really, part of me is glad to have finally been able to admit all of this. nothing is easy, and it's time i learn to accept that. nothing will be able to get better if i continue to deny and hold myself back. i will try to shut things out, i'm sure of it, but an important step in the process is understanding when i do this.

opening up about this sort of thing is not easy for me. but i felt that sharing something so personal might help to ease my mind in some way. sharing my experience with coming to terms with myself and the perception of my own mind might even help someone else out there. if i want to be there for other people, then i need to better myself before i can do any of that. recovery from any sort of mindset is not an easy process, and it can take as much time as it needs. my patience for it runs thin often, but i think that first addressing it might help me to acknowledge what i need to understand.

it's okay to feel upset or distressed. it's alright to own up to your emotions and know where your faults are. there's nothing wrong with addressing it. there are people who care, and there always will be. no matter how long it takes to get out of rocky spots, it's never your own fault and you should never blame yourself for it.

[shepherd's dog]

hi. my heart went out to you as a read this. i frequently question my own thoughts, who i am, if people act like they do because they like me or if i should look for hidden motives, etc. if it's alright i'd like to share a little, too. please excuse my blocks metaphor, i am very visual and i hope the metaphor is alright. it'll be long-winded but maybe one or two things will help.

our coping mechanisms change over time, & sometimes what has worked before, we aren't able to adapt to a new situation.

it's easy to feel like you've lost all control, easy to spiral when it seems like what works suddenly doesn't, when the square block has fit in the square hole for years and all of a sudden the hole is a triangle, and you still have the square block.

& then life goes on around you, and everyone asks why you've fallen behind, why you can't do x or y or when you'll be ready to do this or that. and you're still sitting there with the square block and the hole that's a triangle and you can't figure out how to explain that something suddenly isn't working, because everyone else seems to have the shapes they need for their life.

but as you said, we need to grow.
maybe the square block worked really well, perfectly even, for a long time. but now things have changed. there is nothing wrong with the square block. it's served you well. but right now, it's not what you need, the triangle is what you need. it's not familiar, you don't automatically reach for it or find it comforting like the old shape, but every day it gets easier.

and that's kind of what you have to be comfortable sitting with.
that it gets easier. even when things get harder, they get easier.
we get better at coping the longer we cope.

we just have to remember to be patient with ourselves.
changing doesn't mean we have failed, that we've done x/y/z all wrong up until this point in our life. it just means we need a new shape for the situation. that doesn't change us or who we are as people, it only changes how we approach things.

you are not how you handle a situation, or life, or a problem.
you are who you actively try to be through your actions, through art like this. you are not determined by what you can offer others.
do things for yourself, take care of yourself, and then you can share that joy with others.
self care is important. please take care of yourself. <3

[black water]

snipped for length's sake

i don't mind you adding on at all– in fact, i appreciate it. i posted and shared my experience for the sake of being seen, and truly, i can't convey how much your words mean.

it's scary to be in situations where you suddenly don't know what to do. when the world feels like it's moving without you, and you can't do enough to keep up. but all in all, you'll find the day when all of the pieces fit together properly again. it's just a matter of testing and trying until you're able to find that thing that clicks like it did before.

all of your kind words and metaphors truly do help. it makes me happy to know that there are people who struggle with the same thing, and who can relate to things like that and know that it does get better. in time, things will be okay. but it's okay that they aren't right now too.

i can't express enough how appreciative i am. your reply is so thoughtful and caring, and i hope earnestly that you're taking care of yourself too. thank you for your advice, and it really does mean a lot <3