[kageyenova]

just a bit of a rant hi

if i had a nickel for every time someone suddenly came out of nowhere and blamed me for their mental health and relationship issues that they created for themself, put words in my mouth and accused me of something i never did, then immediately pushed myself and all their friends away without giving anyone a chance to defend their stance, i would have two nickels.

which isn't a lot but it's weird it's happened twice
it's been a long time (one, years in between) since these instances happened already, but i don't know if i'll ever stop thinking about it.
im always wondering what went wrong, and how, and why.
especially why.
these people aren't the same, but they did really wear me out in different ways. one had a huge jealousy issue that i didn't know how to approach properly, and the other really needed attention, and took whatever means to get it. but that's just people. those things are just key parts to who they are and i just didn't know how to deal with it after so long. it got frustrating.

when i finally started leaning away and had nothing left to give, i became an issue to them. and i'll never understand why that is.
so i can't say im surprised they departed- and frankly put, i'm genuinely relieved i don't have to be around them anymore. i miss them, of course, and i'll miss when we were close. i'll never regret time well spent with these people, and the good things that came out of it. i probably wouldn't be where i am now if i hadn't met them when i did.
but damn if the method they took in leaving won't ever be scarring. it really does taint the memory; i look back on good times but can't help but also think:

now how could you have turned into such an awful friend after all that?

this is such an inappropriate place to talk about it. chickensmoothie is not my personal journal haha
but, i dunno.
in my mind i guess there's part of me that feels sorta free in putting it out there. wherever i want. because, who cares?
i don't have to worry about it anymore.

[Loelya]

always a little unsure if it's kinder to give these things respectful distance, or if it would feel more like being heard/seen if someone responds, so open invitation to let me know if it'd feel better to not have comments here, I would completely understand.

there's not a lot of visibility out in the world for the way friendships break down and complicate themselves over time. it's not easy to be in this place of wondering about it, it feels like such a weight to think this is something that might never leave, because it happened in such an awful way that it's hard to understand why. and it's hard to be convinced that any kind of peace can be achieved when you still don't understand why. and the confusion over that makes it feel worse because it's not a 'clean' cut.

but you're completely right that it happens like this because of the inherent messiness of people. people come out of their early years already kind of broken down and wanting, and enter their lives trying to figure out how to put themselves together and take their place in the world. and sometimes it happens such that a person takes a part out of someone else to try to fills those gaps, maybe not even intentionally, maybe not maliciously, but it happens and it hurts, and it leaves scars. one could argue that they didn't mean to, but at the same time they didn't mean not to; they didn't think about people outside of themselves enough to remember not to hurt them.

I admire the way you're carrying yourself forward with the once-good parts of the situation, even if things ended badly between you. that's such an incredibly hard thing to hold onto because it would be easier if things were uncomplicated, and it takes a lot of bravery to keep hold of the good and the bad instead of just parting on the bad. but I hope that you'll occasionally let yourself simply rest with the idea that it shouldn't have happened this way. it should not have ended so badly, your feelings should have mattered, and you should have been taken into consideration. maybe on some occasions without even keeping a brain tab open with the once-good of the situation, since sometimes that can simply feel confusing and messy in ways that can't be resolved in the same moment that you need to let yourself feel absolved of the hurt that was caused you.

sending big wishes for peace your way