The Roleplay School: Verdana's class

[major tom]

[[Thank you; I'm glad you think so! I added that part just now. I can't wait to begin.]]

[Verdana]

The adjustment looks good. Interesting interpretation of the plot. I can't wait to get started either.

[⚜ Estivel]

A keen red orb eyed the ground floor, involuntarily supplying the owner information about the distance as well as if there were any form of movement. Another second passed by before two wings snapped open, allowing the sun to touch the surface and reflect off a bright crimson. One more moment and the legs that the bird rested on bunched up, only to propel himself upwards and out of the tree in which the red bird had resided in for the night.

Damir easily angled his wings so that his thrust into the air would not end in a fall down to the forest floor, all the while glancing around to make sure that there was no sign of a predator. It was doubtful that any sane creature would go after him; bright colors were known in the animal world to signify poison, and while he was not in fact poisonous, he could indeed bring quite a bit of pain to anyone foolish enough to attempt to get a mouthful of his feathers. Decades of experience had driven into his mind that you could never be too safe, after all his own brother had been stampeded by pegasi, and Damir would not make that careless of a mistake.

The pheonix, or whatever some classified him as, shifted his wings upwards and started to gain altitude as his feathers pressed down and rose up again in the pattern every bird knew as easily as breathing. Damir had slept in the forest to the side of the all too popular valley, knowing that having to spend every waking hour there would grind on his nerves to no end. And so, knowing this, Damir only ventured into the actual valley occasionally. He did know that there was a war or something of the like occuring, but it did not concern him. If the valley disappeared, he would be all that more comfortable in his own section of the forest. A minute or so passed before Damir was flying above the tops of the trees and searching the air for any smaller Aves; he preferred finches and sparrows to mice, mostly due to the chase that was necessary to receive the prize. It was, however, a nice day, so Damir allowed himself to fly past the edge of the trees until he soared over the valley, casting down a red glow as the sun's rays beat against his long flight-feathers.

||Wrath||

[Verdana]

I will be giving rp comments when at least 3 people have posted (to keep RP flowing, you understand).

[Wifflebee]

((Do I go next, or does ++hott.cold? Or is there no posting order?? Lolz! Sorry! I'm confused! XD ))

[Verdana]

(Since ++hott.cold seems to have temporarily disappeared, I'm taking away posting order until we have a rhythm. I'll message him/her today.)

[⚜ Estivel]

Bump? D|

||Wrath||

[Verdana]

I'm sorry about the big lag, I was patiently waiting for one of the other three students to post. I apologise that you have been waiting for so long, Estivel.

I have very little to crit you on, I must say. Everything I have is a matter of style. I find that you had a couple of run -on sentences (for example, "Decades of experience had driven into his mind that you could never be too safe, after all his own brother had been stampeded by pegasi, and Damir would not make that careless of a mistake." Personally, I would have broken that up a little bit) but as grammar errors go it isn't a serious one and hardly the sort of thing that will greatly inhibit your rping skill.

The other thing I may recommend would be use of stronger verbs. 'Eyed' is a little bit weak, though it shows his wariness and hesitation. A good verb can take you further than three good adjectives.

Nonetheless, I like your style. It's not overrun with roleplaying lingo (which is a personal pet peeve) and it is neither too flowery nor too plain. You may want to look at expanding your synonyms (for example, instead of saying 'red', why not use a figure of speech?), but I think that your style is definitely beyond novice. You'll soon be ready for an examination.


I will message everyone today. If nobody posts, would you like to have a one-on-one with me? I don't want to deprive you of anything because others aren't posting.

[⚜ Estivel]

It's no trouble; this week I will be off from school, and so I was looking forward to RPing is all ^^
Yes, I do have an issue with run-ones |D I probably should work on that more, but I just feel drawn to writing more in my sentences and feel a bit disappointed when they appear short and puny. I love the effect of the shorter sentences and the voice that comes with it though. ^^
Thank you for all of the help <3

It's whatever you'd like to do ^^ If you don't mind, I would love to do a one-one-one, but at the same time I do not want to waste any of your time or have you feeling that you have to do this. I understand that most people are usually busy during Spring Break going out, about, and such, so it's really whatever you want to do.

||Wrath||

[Verdana]

Oh, don't you worry about me. I love this sort of thing. If the rest of the class doesn't start posting, I'll become a temporary class-mate until they do. How's that sound?

I'm glad my crit is helping you a little. I find that shorter, punchier sentences are much easier to read. I have a similar problem with run-ons, although often I do it because I get carried away with my character's frenzied thoughts (naming no names Shay) and forget to 'breathe'.