The Roleplay Academy's Class A (Novice)

[Wolf'sflame]

(Nice to see you again, and no i'm not kicking you off. Well, I can say none of you who've a problem with Mary-sues, that's good.

I can say that her past doesn't fit with the other shapeshifters, though it is possible that her parents were killed and when she saw the herd, she transformed without knowing it and has no memory of it. Also, female elk don't have antlers.You might also want to elaborate more on her personality, since that is very big in rps. Other thahis hose easy-to-fix problems, this is a very good character; accepted. You may start right away because it is your turn.)

[Pinstriped Pirates]

(Actually I think it is my turn, sorry if I sound rude. I just saw it on the front page...)

=Neko=
The young boy wandered the streets on his own. His black hair was very messy, and he had a scragly look to him. Many humans stared down at him as he walked past. Neko heard his stomach rumble and realized he was hungry. He hadn't eaten anything decent for a few days, and it was about time he had a good meal. He passed by a bakery kiosk in the center of town. The fresh smells of rolls, pastries, and baguettes filled his nostrils as he walked towards the stand. Having no money, yet being cunning, Neko tossed a penny found from his pocket at the foot of the baker without being noticed. The baker looked down and picked the penny up slowly. During this time, Neko quickly grabbed a roll from the stand and scampered off. He ran towards the park and, while lookig behind him to check if anyone saw him steal, bumped into an older girl (Oceane) and fell backwards. Looking up at the girl with his cool grey eyes, he was slightly startled. "Sorry!" he quickly squeaked, scampering to his feet.

[Cry of the Soul]

J A I N

She walked down the street, hands in pockets, glancing at anyone who walked by. No one understood her. She coulnd't remember much of herself, past the meadow and death of the meadow. She listened intently to her music, not wanting anyone's cruel words to shoot like a buller at her. Life was all that she had, all that she had been given. Picking out some money, she paid for a coffee and watched with a snicker as a boy seemed to trick a man to steal a pastry. Flipping her brown hair, Jain padded after the kid, knowing what he did was unexceptable. Watching him behind a tree, she saw the boy run into someone. She would wait till he was alone.

[Wolf'sflame]

(Songs of Broken, next time don't use blue; any other colour is fine but blue is going to be the proctor colour...Please at least pick a darker or lighter shade..Less confusing.)

Jason

Jason crashed into the forest, retreating like a frightened animal. "Have to get away! Have to get away!" He told himself, encouraging to run faster as a loud bang sounded behind him. Fear was pushing his speed even farther than his usual speed; he was running like his life would end in seconds. If he didn't run he knew that it would become reality; that or a cage. He was already breathing heavily, he hadn't ran this hard in a long time; but being hunted was the fate of a teen shapeshifter. He then spotted something ahead in the forest, and for a moment the noise of guns disappeared; a clearing. "Yes!" his thoughts cried out; he'd could maybe give them the slip that way.

Bolting out of the brambles and bushes, he stopped short suddenly then swallowed. "Great..." he mumbled to himself. He could still hear the dogs barking, which were drowned out before by the piercing noise of gunshots, which shouted out thier cries to their target. He took his worn out bag and fixed it so it was on his shoulder instead of slipping off then raced over to the cliff edge. He grinned. As the humans joined him on the cliff, his once jet black hair turned grey and fox ears slipped out from under his mop-styled hair as if they had always been there. He turned his head and gave them a cocky, canine-teethed smile before leaping off the cliff and into the trees below.

Being a grey fox shapeshifter has it's purks, like being able to climb trees. This allowed Jason to dive casually before escaping into the treeline, out of sight now, and grabbing a nearby branch as he fell, which jerked his whole body towards his lifesaver. He swung himself over and wrapped his legs around the same branch before hoisting himself up and looking up, hearing the humans cursing and then hearing their faint footsteps. He grinned before casually turning around and jumping from tree to tree. It was his natural talent so it didn't bother him to be this high up. Soon he closed his eyes as he leaped onto the branch lower to the current one.

Eventually he felt something smack him in the face and send him to the ground. He gasped and coughed when his back hit the ground, the air knocked right out of him. When he got his breath back, he groaned and sat up. He inspected where he was and a little shack caught his eye. "What the heck?" he thought, confused by this rare event. He got to his feet and brushed himself off before approaching the shack, a little curious to why it was there in the forest.

(I went very literate on this one... 21 lines... ^^; You guys don't have to do half as much... I'll post the critique on the next post after this one.)

[Brightpaw]

Oceane Dupont

Oceane backed up, her eyes wide with shock. "Watch it!" she cried angrily, the pitch of her voice raising due to stress. She wasn't used to this, none of this. She was more of a solitary figure, and she turned around, striding off as fast as her short legs would carry her without looking idiotic. She reached a bench and sat down on the lichen-covered wood slat seat. She rested her head in her hands and ran her fingers through her short, spiky hair. "Well that went well. Great job at your first socialisation in what, 3, 4 years?" she asked herself, the words merely an irritated mutter.

She looked up through her fingers, glancing around as her keen green-eyed vision took in everything around her. Every leaf on the tree, every footprint on the moist ground. Every smell, woodland creatures scurrying across the forest floor, the mixed aromas of many different plants. Every taste on her tongue, and every taste she could imagine from her other senses.

She slowly stood and started to walk into the forest, trailing her slim white fingers over each leaf and tree-trunk. It was like walking into paradise, a place to escape the realities of life. She wandered barefoot along the damp, squelchy floor, and she inhaled deeply the calming natural scents that surrounded her bodily form. A cricket chirped nearby, bringing her back to the real world.

Dogs in the distance caught her attention and her curiosity won over as she wondered what or who they were chasing. She walked forwards silently on the balls of her feet, as the sound came from the direction she was heading, and it was heading straight for her slight form. She warily found the nearest tree and scrambled up it, the rough bark digging into her fingertips as she pulled herself up out of the way of the snapping jaws.

[Wolf'sflame]

(Brightpaw, please wait for the Critique next time...)

Critique

(

Brightpaw

Great job at the spelling, no mistakes that I could see! Also the beginning was nice, it showed your character was ready for soem adventure and a bit of the life of a shapeshifter. This very good beacuse of this, you've made her fit in nicely. Also the length was not that bad.

What could be used was the fragmentation in grammar.

1-She slipped her hand into her jacket pocket, and pulled out only a quarter. But it was enough to get her at least some breakfast. Unlike yesterday.

It could be used with complining those sentences like thid: She slipped her hand into her jacket pocket and pulled out a quarter,it was enough to get her at least some breakfast; unlike yesterday.

Also try to give your characters thoughts and feelings, this will lengthen your posts.

Wolfie-kat

Amazing job on your 1st post! Almost 9 lines too; A very good start. You're spelling was good and the detail was very nice; I very much enjoyed that part.

Working with the characters feelings are also important, but since you're character hasn't interacted with anybody yet, that is okay for now. You're punctuation was alsoa little off, just a few problems with commas.

1-After eating a whole bush of the berries she was stuffed, and felt a little sick.

The comma could be between "berries" and "She" or not there at all. This is a very small mistake, and only one, so I only wanted to notify it but it really isn't an issue at all. Other than that, great job!

Woodstock

Excellent! Very little grammar problems and spelling mistakes, along with a fairly good length. (this is also a misplaced comma mistake, where you didn't really need one) You need to elavorate a little on thoughts and feelings with your character, but also around the place.

Songs of Broken

Litle grammar and no spelling mistakes along with not that bad of length.

I advise you not to use blue in your posts here, fist of all. Also, there was some fragmentation in sentences.

Watching him behind a tree, she saw the boy run into someone. She would wait till he was alone.

It could look like this instead: Watching him behind a tree, she saw the boy run into someone; she decided would wait 'till he was alone.

I also wonder how she was able to buy the headphones and music too, along with the money. What you should really work on is getting into your characters head and figureing out their feelings and thoughts, this lengthens the post as well.

[Wolfie-Kat]

Kia reached in her pocket and her fingers reached out to the other side. Darn! Not again! She thought. She turned around and headed back home to fix her hole. She stopped in her tracks and gasped as she saw a boy standing in front of her home. Her bag slipped out of her hands and fell on the forest floor. What should I do? What should I do? she thought panicking. Shoo him off? I couldn't... Talk to him? That would be to hard... Ignore him? It's hard to ignore a guy looking at my house... Run into the trees? I'd feel like the biggest scared cat EVER... WHAT?! Kia took a deep breath. "Just calm down." She reassured herself. "Calm down." She took in a few deep breaths and picked up her bag. She held her head up and decided that she would have to sneak into her own home. She really didn't want to see anyone, but this hole had to be fixed before she went out.

[Pinstriped Pirates]

=Neko=
"I'm sorry," Neko quickly said, feeling very embarrassed. His voice was slightly cracked, as he hadn't talked to anyone in a few days. He saw the girl walk into the forest and watched her leave. He sighed and looked down sadly at the roll he had stolen. He took a bite from the pasty, but it seemed tasteless to him, as he knew it wasn't right to steal for food. But he ate the rest, and, when finished, walked off into the forest, a little while's way from the girl he had encountered. He silently shifted into his peregrine falcon form, and flew to a tree branch. Perching himself on the slim branch protruding far from the tall oak, he settled himself and watched the world below him from a higher perspective. It always relaxed him when he was a peregrine falcon. He felt free somehow, knowing he could fly and get away from the society who hated him.

[Cry of the Soul]

J A I N

A slight breeze ruffled her hair, flapping it gently in the wind. The boy had walked straight into the forest, a perfect spot for her and her elk form. The boy was a theif and she had to catch him. Jain slipped quietly into the forest, following the sound of fading footsteps. Then every noise stopped. Jain swiveled her head, checking to see where the boy had gone. He couldn't have just disapeered?
Shrugging, she felt the cold slap of the wind putting her on edge. With a gasp, Jain felt fur starting to sprout from her entire body. Crying out, she felt small horns form on her head; they were coming out from the skull. Her blood seemed to boil and her heart beat like a drum. The rythmn was fast like a folktune. One last cry and she was an elk, standing in the middle of the forest.
That was painful. It's always painful. Jain thought. Every time, I feel like I have problems changing. Shrugging the pain away, Jain sniffed around where two craters had been made in the mud. It smelled like human and bird. Maybe that could mean she wasn't the only one...
No! Jain scolded herself. No one else is like me. The new coat of fur provided needed warmth as the wind kicked in again. Her scarred eye gave a twitch. Not being able to see with one eye was frustrating. Bending her head down in an arch, Jain started munching on some grass. It gave off a pleasent flavor. She could eat here forever.

[Pinstriped Pirates]

=Neko=
Neko stared, wide eyed from the top of the branch. There was a long pause with him just looking at the girl. He didn't know what to do. He wanted to tell her he was like her, a shapeshifter, but then again, he wouldn't want anyone else to know what he was. His mind was racing, but eventually he couldn't stand the pressure. Gliding down from the branch onto the forest floor in front of the girl, he slowly shifted back to a human. His height increased and his posture straightened. His feathers retreated under his olive-colored skin and his piercing yellow eyes became cool grey. His black, messy hair grew back onto his scalp as his beak disappeared and shifted into a nose, his talons becoming feet.
He stared at the girl with awe and shock still. "You're like me," he managed to say quickly and quietly to her.