>fear.journal<

[Yaeli]

this is gonna be a journal about my fear.
i want to face my fears and overcome them, and one step is to write about them in a place that others can see.
it can turn very personal, so even though you are welcome to read it you are welcome to not read it too.

[Yaeli]

I am afraid of everything--and nothing.
I am afraid of the breeze, of the smoke signal sent by the train coming through.
I am afraid of you.
I am afraid of the cracks in the wall, the voices that hush when I walk by, the half-formed words that rush into my mind when I wake.
I am afraid of drastic measures, the moon foretelling snow.
I fear the flake on my tongue as it disappears into the ether. Will I as well?
I am afraid of light, and I am afraid of what is in the dark.
I am afraid of what has been, and I am afraid of what is to come.
I am afraid of life's maybes, life's becauses, life's ands, life's buts.
I am afraid of wholeness. I am afraid of my thin, thin soul.
I am afraid of monsters, of werewolves, of sudden bursts, of sleet.
I am afraid of the wild, wild eyes with which the street dwellers stare.
I am afraid the psychologist will dig a pit and leave, and I will fill it with pirate's gold, the only treasure I know.
I am afraid of numbers, statistics, figures pulling down my presumptions like a dog pulls linen off a wire.
I am afraid of technology, the future, the punctuation marks that stamp tomorrow with disdain.
The chips in our heads, the chips in their hands.
I am afraid of me. I am afraid of mice. Mice are afraid of me.
I fear fear. I fear forgetting and being forgotten.
I fear the flood of endorphins that split my brain when I exercise.
I fear.

[Yaeli]

An elephant sits at the door of my mouth.
My tongue is a magnet pulling my mouth shut so it won't open. It won't open. It won't open.
My lips were stapled together in the nursery.
The doctor stitched my lips together and forgot to take them out.
My voice is the dust in the corner.
There's superglue in my spit.
My tongue is a lead weight.
My tongue is a frozen slab of fat.
My mouth is a cave filled with spongy moss.
My tongue wants to shoot out like a torpedo.

[Yaeli]

why didn't you talk to me,daddy
and now i'm dead
they say,"no,the edm's just
gotten to your head"
am i the only one who knows i'm a ghost
everyone else just thinks i'm a dj
floating from the ac in the club?

why didn't you talk to me,mommy
and now i can't
i've forgotten how to say my t's
after years of my tongue lying flat
my vocal chords are frayed
and my insurance won't pay

why didn't you talk to me,grandma
and now i'm scared
to say hi to the woman delivering
bakery bread
why didn't you talk to me,grandpa
and now i'm just like you
i don't talk to anyone either

[Yaeli]

why am i so scared to speak my mind? it's not wrong to have opinions. it's not wrong to voice my feelings. it's not wrong to be a person. but people don't think I'm a person. people just think i'm a marshmallow they can run all over. they think that i'm nothing, a shadow, a bit of fluff. something they can trample into the dust. it's not wrong to be resentful. it's not wrong to hate the sting of disrespect. i feel wronged. i feel hated for no reason. i feel like a punching bag. like the gum on the bottom of someone's shoe. if there's anyone they can bully, it will be me. if there's anyone with whom they can cut corners in their manners, it will be me. are they gonna listen to my feelings? they won't even admit i have them. they think that i'm a frail being, something to be smushed. that i'm just a strand of hair they can cut. a half-deflated balloon they can poke a hole in. philosophers say, "to some people, you are the whole world". but most people think they are the whole world, and i am just junk mail.

[Yaeli]

it's funny that in elementary school, they tell you to put a bubble in your mouth, and you get praised for it. eventually, the bubble gets stuck. then when you grow up, they yell at you when the bubble can't get out.