Chronicles of an Aspirant Buccaneer

[Toy Cutty]

Hello, thank you for clicking on to my journal entries.
Please read, enjoy and pm me if you wish to talk.
I ask that no other posts be made.

Most things are true but I have added elements of fantasy into my writings to make my really boring life seem more interesting. (It's not a lot tho...my life is like a bad sitcom sometimes ). My writing style I'm going for is a mix between modern and olden language, but mainly time neutral. (hopefully that makes since XD)

I am trying to avoid going crazy in my life so I hope writing will keep my grounded and lead me to the life I feel life I'm supposed/wishing to live.

As you can see I have what I'd say is a slight (new) obsession with Pirates, and sailing. My other obsession is Western, cowboys and outlaws so kinda similar niche just different location XD.
I also aspire to be fully independent such as off grid living and stuff like that. I think I have a serious crave for freedom, friendship, and adventure. But I haven't figured out my way to get those things. Through writing and reaching out maybe I'll figure it out.

Anyhow I have another writing forum of my fictional stories here: https://www.chickensmoothie.com/Forum/viewtopic.php?f=57&t=4882798&p=142461687#p142461687.

[Toy Cutty]

Remarks on July 26th___Weather: Fair__ Wind: S 8 knots__ Barometer: 29.98__ Visibility: 9 miles__ Temp: High 102F, Low 78F
Distance Travel: None

___Today was a very hot day, what better thing to do than to float as the day passed by. As the gentle current drew me to the center of the pond I decide I should follow the recommendation of my friend and reflect on my life.
I am a young adult, single, and in my opinion not a very bright future. I love my family don't get me wrong but I feel let down (mainly by myself.) I was a quiet child, always anxious, having irrational fears of being abandoned or forgotten. This was completely illogical since I was an only child, a very blessed on at that as well. I don't recall much of my childhood due to traumas.
__The first of these traumas was the loss of my grandfather we were very close, it pained my greatly when he was suddenly no longer with us.
__The second I'd say would be the break of my engagement. This I will not be diving into...as he may return to steal me away. I want nothing to do with him. He best stay away from me.

[Toy Cutty]

Remarks on July 27th___Weather: Fair__ Wind: S 8 knots__ Barometer: 29.98__ Visibility: 10 miles__ Temp: High 103F, Low 76F
Distance Travel: None

__Today I spent time in town preparing for my cousins baby shower and the upcoming season of learning for my younger sister. She was born shortly after my engagement broke. My parents were a bit older so I have taken much responsibility of caring for her. Since the adults in the house are ensuring we have enough for food, social upkeep and the necessities we all must work, so my sister will be sent down the road to the old head master with many of the other children with strong Christian grounding. The collection man came from one of the shops. Lucky I was home to pay.
__I started drawing again, though I'm still not very good. I'm not sure writing makes me feel any better yet but only time will tell.
__We found few new clothes for my sister. I wish I could find something I liked when we shopped but I am very particular. I like the more natural colors and fabrics as well as things that fit well, being short does make things hard to find. My sister is less picky. Mother also has the same problem as me, but she can find more than I have. Maybe I can check catalogs instead of what's just in the store. Dinner tonight was less than satisfactory.
__Would finding a beau be easier if I was less hefty? I am less picky on male looks, but are men more shallow?

[Toy Cutty]

Remarks on July 28th___Weather: Fair__ Wind: SE 10 knots__ Barometer: 30.10__ Visibility: 10 miles__ Temp: High 101F, Low 78F
Distance Travel: None

__It was lovely to see so many people today, we all came together to celebrate my cousin's new baby to be born. She has had many hardships with pregnancies. I hope she has a boy, she already has a little girl so I think it's well to have one of each. She and her husband are very excited. Each of his siblings has had new babies born. I'm glad they'll all be able to grow up together. I was an only child, minus her and her sisters, I really never had any family around. Being a shy child also didn't help with not being around other children. I was able to talk with many of her new friends and coworkers. They all were very kind. I may not get along with all of them but we can all be civil enough to come together and love on her children.
__I worry for her youngest sister, she seems to have fallen away from reality. She's angry and depressed, maybe it's what comes with the age. I do remember each of us going through something similar, but to keep her happy her parents enable her so she will stay with them.
__My cousins parents have disowned their oldest daughter, who we had a baby shower for such petty reasons. The middle daughter moved away she could no longer deal with her parents being so cruel to her and her older sister yet so excusing of the youngest. So the only one at home, she runs wild and acts so rude. Though I imagine she is that way by believing the hateful things her parents have said about other in the family.
__I worry I only attract crazy people. Where are the meek and sane people gathering, if I'm the craziest person in the normal crowd I'd be over the moon.

[Toy Cutty]

Remarks on July 29th___Weather: Fair__ Wind: S 8knots__ Barometer: 30.10__ Visibility: 10 miles__ Temp: High 102F, Low 77F
Distance Travel: None

__Did odd jobs today, one I will have for the next could of weeks. There is a playground reserved for the extremely wealthy family that they wish for me to repaint. The family has been employing my family for generations so they know we can do the work. It is a bit odd that the women of my family have had to take over the more masculine jobs, but my father travels to the next town over for his work. So the only other people available is me and my mother.
__I wish I didn't have to work there, but they pay very well so I have little to complain about. Except the heat. I have fair skin, being in the sun for even short bouts causes extreme sunburn.
__Father's foot is still hurt. I'm not sure if he is milking it for pity or if its really broken in some way. He is being bull-headed and refuses to go see the doctor. Since school hasn't started yet he stayed home with sister. I think he slept most of the day, and didn't actually watch her.
__Mother and I were so tired we went to the restaurant in town. The meal was quite tasty. Father and sister didn't want to go. Pity for them they missed out. The time is an hour after sunset I should be heading to sleep so I can awake an hour before sunrise, but I have poor self discipline. So I won't.
__Tomorrow is church I hope the music isn't too loud my ears have been sensitive lately. The Pastor has gone on a sabbatical so I have no clue who will be the stand in. Hopefully someone who speaks well.

[Toy Cutty]

Remarks on July 30th___Weather: Fair__ Wind: S 8knots__ Barometer: 30.11__ Visibility: 10 miles__ Temp: High 103F, Low 77F
Distance Travel: None
__Damn house cat. Woke me this morning with constant meowing all because she wasn't feed soon enough.
__Yesterday mother said something to me that revealed how fragile my state truly was in my family's eyes. "He can kick you out at any moment you know." This threat had been made to me one before by my previous church. Though both instances were "jokes". The threat still looms very real, especially since I had left the church then my parents were kicked out.
__If curious no, none of had sinned before the church or done anything wrong. All we did was ask the right questions to the wrong people. The leadership only cared for their own egos and not the salvation of their congregation. To say the least that is a falling church and not all churches are like they are. We have a new temporary church that is quite loving and kind, though a bit silly and loud.
__Sister says she wishes to be like me. I do admire the look of pirates and outlaws. I adore silver colored jewelry. So when I get up I grab rings, earrings, bangles, necklaces, and ear cuffs. And to finish off the look a pair of leather boots. Soon I wish to not have it be just a look but my lifestyle. Except the stealing and hurting people (unless I need too..haha that's a joke).
__The stand in pastor nothing he said really stuck with me but the scriptures read before hand, and some of the prayers convicted me.
Galatians 5:16-26 "But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh. for the flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you please. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the Law. Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissensions, divisions, envying, drunkenness, carousing, and things like these, of which I forewarn you, just as I have forewarned you, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. Now those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit. Let us no become boastful, challenging one another, envying on another."
I am guilty of many things listed. A sinner will not know they are a sinner lest you tell them. I am angry, and hold strife against people who have hurt me, but I can hold assurance perfect justice will be acted out one day.

[Toy Cutty]

Remarks on July 31th___Weather: Cloudy__ Wind: SE 9knots__ Barometer: 30.08__ Visibility: 10 miles__ Temp: High 104F, Low 77F
Distance Travel: None

__Was confused on date for half of the day. Work most of the day. Burned my hand.
__Still very anxious about being kicked out. Nothing was said about it but there feels like there is something in the air.
__Began laundry, apparently previous soap I was using caused the clothes to smell funny.
__Cleaned litter boxes for the house cats. I despise litter boxes, normally it's not my chore but mother may have sodium toxicity. Advise do not eat multiple whole container of salted sunflower seeds.
__Was asked about a employment opportunity by my family. I would love to do that job but it matters if they are hiring inexperienced worker. I'm sure there are many more worthy people than me.
__My irritations toward Sister are getting a bit much, yes she's annoying but I am older I should behave better. Sigh. I have much to work on with myself.
__Am I sane or insane? Or are people in town just crazy and pretending that the crazy is normal?

[Toy Cutty]

Remarks on August 1st___Weather: Fair__ Wind: SE 10knots__ Barometer: 30.04__ Visibility: 10 miles__ Temp: High 105F, Low 78F
Distance Travel: None

__Father made two remarks today about money with me. Is this stemming off of what Mother said the other day? Now I'm getting worried. Maybe I should be like the 5 virgins in Matthew 25, prepared for what may come. Though that parable is about knowing the true gospel and being prepared for the return of Christ in the sky to take up his "Bride" by having your being sanctified and born again.
We did have an interesting conversation though about what either of us would do if we had millions of dollars. He said he'd more far away into the country to be unbothered and never work again. I said I'd by either my own island, or large amount of land some place. Or maybe I'd buy a ship and just sail. I'd have to worry about other countries if I entered their waters though. I wish the world was more like that in my books or daydreams. I feel like I could navigate those worlds and realities a bit better than this one.
__Went to pay the headmaster since tuition is due. No one was as the school for me to pay. I will try again tomorrow.
__Tried to relax in the pond today, most of the time I just sang songs to myself.
__People being reckless and no one taking their job semi-serious is starting to get annoying.

[Toy Cutty]

Remarks on August 2nd___Weather: Fair__ Wind: SE 9knots__ Barometer: 30.07__ Visibility: 10 miles__ Temp: High 103F, Low 81F
Distance Travel: None

__Went shopping and restocked kitchen. I really need to address my pile that's meant to go to compost. I also I need to start gardening the prices of things is getting high. Force feed my self vegetables that I'm not too fond of, must say I still don't like them. Maybe the fruits and vegetables we bought today will be tasty and I can find some new things I like.
__Slept in really late today. I may be coming down with something. It may be the food I've been eating for the previous week. But will the weak feeling, being hot even while inside, I have an extremely tender red spot. I really hope it isn't a spider bite or something similar. I've heard of people who don't get their bite treated and getting very sick. I already feel bad I don't want to add to my misery.
__Finally was able to pay the headmaster for tuition.
__I am still no where closer to having a plan or a way to live the life I want. I think I have been purposely distracting myself to not think of these things that make me uncomfortable and will take me out of my comfort zone.

[Toy Cutty]

Remarks on August 3rd___Weather: Fair__ Wind: S 12knots__ Barometer: 29.95__ Visibility: 10 miles__ Temp: High 104F, Low 80F
Distance Travel: None

__The knot on my leg is extremely tender. I have planned to go to the doctor tomorrow.
__...