Chapter 1: The Leader's Judgment
Ashfur awoke in a star-lit forest, although he never recalled falling asleep. There had been what felt like a split second of darkness between when he'd been sitting by the stream in the forest he knew so well and the one he was in now, which seemed faintly familiar and yet new and strange all at the same time.
He remembered a sudden weight on his back, knocking the breath out of him; a flash of pitch-black, save for the bright green eyes that he'd just barely managed to twist around to see; claws digging into his shoulders and teeth sinking effortlessly into his neck, as if he were nothing more than prey to a hungry predator; and finally, the rush of cold water as he was thrown into the stream, mixed with the warmth of his own blood pooling from his neck.
And then, the darkness.
Now, Ashfur stood beneath the blue-black night sky, but the more he looked around, the harder it was to tell where the sky ended and the ground began, if it did at all. The grass and trees seemed to grow out of clouds, and flowers and leaves looked as if they were made of thousands of tiny stars. Everything around Ashfur shimmered and shone and twinkled and sparkled with brilliance, far more brilliantly, he thought, than even the sun or the moon, despite not being nearly as bright. No, the light here was far from blinding, but rather a soft, comforting glow that seemed to emanate from everywhere and illuminate everything all at once, so that nothing was hidden from view.
"Ashfur."
The sudden voice behind him jerked Ashfur out of his thoughts and he spun around to see who was there, his eyes widening as he recognized the cat that stared back at him.
"Bluestar?"
The last time he had seen her, back when he was just an apprentice, she had been skinny, unhealthily so; her ribs could have been seen through her dull, matted fur, and her eyes had somehow looked even grayer than her pelt. The time following Tigerstar's betrayal and exile had been a tough one for every cat in ThunderClan that was old enough to remember it, but Bluestar had taken it especially hard, and that had only made things harder for the rest of the Clan. It was a time that most cats who remembered it tried to forget.
But as he looked at her now, all of those memories came flooding back, and Ashfur couldn't help but stand in awe of how regal the once-battered ThunderClan leader now looked in comparison. She was tall and slender, no longer underweight, and she had regained her color. Her blue-gray fur was smooth and neatly groomed, and her eyes were brighter than he'd ever seen them before, although there was a certain gravity in them that unsettled him.
"Ashfur," she said again, her voice calm and clear, yet authoritative and, like her gaze, with a grave seriousness to it. "It has been many moons."
Ashfur nodded. "It has," he replied, too shocked and confused to speak. Bluestar was dead, and yet there she was, standing in front of him. Surely that didn't mean...
But before he could finish his thoughts, the former ThunderClan leader interrupted them again. "Follow me," was all she said, before turning and padding off, deeper into the star-speckled woods. As he followed her, he noticed for the first time the lack of a heartbeat in his chest. I can't be dead, he told himself silently. I can't be. But it was hard to deny what was right in front of him. Here he was in an otherworldly forest, with a cat who had died moons ago, and where every physical sensation that told him he was alive was gone. When he looked closer at Bluestar as she strode calmly ahead of him, he could even make out stars in her pelt.
To any other cat, waking up in StarClan would be a joyous moment. It was the moment where loyal warriors who had spent their whole lives fighting and hunting and caring for their Clan would be greeted by their ancestors, welcomed into their ranks, and get to live the rest of their days in peace, free from the harsh pains of the living world. No more freezing leaf-bares or scorching greenleafs; no more hunger or thirst, sickness or injury, or pain of losing a loved one. On the contrary, StarClan was the place where cats got to reunite with their lost loved ones after moons of separation. To any other cat, StarClan was paradise.
But not to Ashfur. He still had unfinished business, and dying before he finished it simply wouldn't do.
That wretched Hollyleaf, he thought, remembering once again the merciless green gaze of his murderer just before everything went black. She might think she's won, but she hasn't. He was once again pulled out of his thoughts when he noticed Bluestar had stopped, and jerked to a stop to avoid bumping into her. The former ThunderClan leader already didn't seem ecstatic to see him, but then again she had always been stoic, even before Tigerstar's betrayal. Perhaps he had simply read her wrong. Still, he couldn't shake the feeling that something was...off.
"Are...we here?" he asked tentatively, wherever "here" might be. He figured from the absence of cats that he had woken up on the outskirts of StarClan's territory, and that Bluestar had come to lead him to the rest of their ancestors.
"We are," she responded, as emotionlessly as before, and finally turned to face him. "Welcome to your trial, Ashfur."
"Thank--Wait, what?" Ashfur gaped at her. "Trial? For what?" He had been expecting her to welcome him straight into StarClan. Was this something every cat had to face before they entered the realm of their ancestors? He once again felt that burning absence in his chest, where his heart should've skipped a beat.
"You will be judged by myself and several other cats to determine whether or not you are worthy to enter StarClan's hunting grounds," Bluestar elaborated, holding his gaze steadily. He suddenly felt very small in her presence, not unlike how he did on the day of his apprentice ceremony. But the nervous excitement he had felt back then was nothing compared to the fear he felt now. "Are you ready?" she asked.
Ashfur gulped, despite there being nothing to swallow. "Yes," he forced out. He wasn't, but he knew he didn't have a choice in the matter.
Just as the word left his mouth, he became aware of dozens of starry eyes looking directly at him, peeking through the grass and from high in the treetops and behind rocks and bushes. He suddenly felt very exposed, like a mouse out in the open with no where to hide from the watchful gazes of hungry hunters. This was supposed to be a safe place, a place where all good warriors went when they died to rest in peace. So why did he feel so uneasy?
"Very well." Bluestar sat down in front of Ashfur and curled her tail neatly around her paws, but even sitting down, she still seemed to tower over him. "Tell me, then, Ashfur...Why did you do it?"
The question caught Ashfur off guard. Perhaps it was because it was so vague and yet so uncomfortably straightforward at the same time. "Do...what?" His voice was little more than an innocent whisper as he cast confused glances to either side, as if looking for someone to tell him what he'd done. But however hard he may have wanted to convince himself and others that he was innocent, he knew all too well what he was being accused of.
"All of it," Bluestar meowed, tail tip twitching. She was obviously annoyed at having to spell it out for him. "You attempted to kill four of your Clanmates, innocent cats who had done nothing to you, in cold blood, all in an act of petty revenge."
Petty?! Ashfur thought indignantly, but he kept silent.
Bluestar continued. "You conspired with an enemy warrior to kill your leader, and succeeded in taking one of his lives. As for the other three, you trapped them in a fire and were all too eager to let them burn to death before your very eyes, and before their mother's, just because you wanted to see her hurt. You only let them go when you thought of a better way to hurt her." She paused, as if to let her words sink in, before continuing. "When you became a warrior, you promised to uphold the warrior code and to protect and defend your Clan, even at the cost of your life. Instead you have broken the code, perhaps the most important part of it, and endangered the lives of your Clanmates. What do you have to say for yourself?"
Bluestar's gaze burned deep into Ashfur as she waited for an answer, making his pelt prickle uncomfortably. "I...I..." He knew that everything the former ThunderClan leader said was true; he had done all of those things. But he had always expected StarClan to understand why he did them, and that everything he did was completely justified. If anyone could read the hearts and minds of the living, it had to be the spirits of the dead. It had never even occurred to him that he might one day have to defend his actions to the all-knowing, especially actions that were so obviously born out of heartbreak and betrayal.
"Why did you do it?" Bluestar hissed again suddenly, jolting Ashfur back to the present moment. By the look in the she-cat's eye, she was clearly already growing impatient with the tom's struggle to answer such a simple question, and Ashfur realized that he was overthinking it. Bluestar had made him second-guess himself and his motivations, as if they weren't enough to justify his actions in life, and for a moment he had wracked his brain in an attempt to come up with a new reason, one that would satisfy her--one that would satisfy StarClan. But Ashfur was an honest cat, true to himself and his heart till the very end, and that wasn't about to change now. It didn't matter what others thought. Besides, if he had to lie to get into StarClan, then did he really want to be there at all? He was sure that if he poured his heart out to his warrior ancestors, they would have to understand. If they didn't, then that would mean StarClan was founded on lies.
"Well?" Bluestar lashed her tail.
"Isn't it obvious?" Ashfur finally looked up from his paws, meeting Bluestar's gaze unflinchingly. There was only one reason why he could've ever done the things he did. And that reason...was her.
"I loved Squirrelflight. I loved her more than anything, more than I could stand." He paused, his eyes clouding as he relived the pain his love had caused him all over again. He had, for the first time in many moons, forgotten about Squirrelflight for just a moment--or perhaps not forgotten, but rather pushed her to the back of his mind as he tried to come to terms with his own death. It was strange, as she had always been at the forefront of his mind for what he only now realized was the better part of his life, and he had grown used to her being there, despite knowing she didn't deserve to be. Such a selfish, two-faced, dishonest she-cat didn't deserve to be thought about at all, much less the object of another's affection. She should be forgotten by everyone, never thought of, never spoken of again, Ashfur thought bitterly. That's what she deserves. And yet, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't deny the part of his heart that loved Squirrelflight--no, that revolved around her to the point of cracking and breaking.
"I loved her too much."
For a moment, Bluestar said nothing. She looked somewhat incredulous as she gazed back at Ashfur, as if she couldn't quite believe what she'd just heard, and he knew by her prolonged silence and the quizzical flick of her ears that she was silently questioning him...judging him. She was giving him a chance to reflect on his words, perhaps retract them and change them if he wanted. But he didn't. He held her gaze unblinkingly, as if daring her to challenge him aloud. She seemed to take the hint.
"Do you truly believe that?" she asked him at last.
Ashfur nodded solemnly. "With my whole heart."
"I see." Bluestar's voice was calm, but Ashfur saw loathing in her eyes. "Then you are even more deluded than I thought."
Those words sent a wave of fresh anger over Ashfur. It was all he could do not to lunge at the blue-gray she-cat. As if you're in any place to talk! You were the most deluded cat in ThunderClan when I was an apprentice! Your delusions caused about as much pain and suffering to the Clan as Squirrelflight did to me! These were the words he wanted to say, but he clamped his mouth shut. He had to tread carefully; where he spent the rest of his afterlife depended on it. "I can see how it might look that way," he conceded instead, trying to sound neutral. "But if you could only see what was inside my heart, who I really am..." He trailed off, trying to find words that would convince the she-cat.
"I'd see a cruel, jealous traitor," Bluestar finished for him, "a tom who felt so entitled to a she-cat's affections that when he didn't receive them, he betrayed his Clan and the warrior code to try and cause as much pain to that she-cat as possible, no matter the cost."
Ashfur could feel fury rising up in him, threatening to spill over.
"What exactly does attempting to kill four innocent cats have to do with love at all?" Bluestar continued. "Your Clanmates, one of whom was your leader. Even if you hadn't gone to the lengths you did, trying to punish someone for not reciprocating your feelings isn't love. In fact, Ashfur, I don't believe you even know what love is."
Ashfur had to sink his claws into the ground to prevent himself from raking them across Bluestar's face. He knew that even if he did, they most likely wouldn't have the same effect as they would have in the living world. What would you know about love? he wanted to ask. As far as he knew, Bluestar had never loved anybody, at least not as long as he was alive. Well, except for maybe Firestar. Every cat under Bluestar's leadership remembered the preferential treatment Firestar had received from her, especially following Tigerstar's exile, when he was one of the only cats in ThunderClan the leader trusted. The blue-gray she-cat had always had a soft spot for the flame-colored tom, and Ashfur doubted that had ever changed, even after she'd entered StarClan. Even so, Ashfur wouldn't have called that love. More like favoritism, or an obsession. He realized it was most likely this affinity Bluestar had for Firestar that made her so unforgiving towards his actions. Ashfur had, after all, only targeted members of the ThunderClan leader's family, as well as the ginger tom himself. It only made sense that Bluestar would hate Ashfur for ever laying a claw on her precious successor or his kin, no matter the reason. If it was any other cat, she wouldn't have given a rat's tail.
"That is my judgment," Bluestar declared at last when Ashfur remained silent. "Have you anything else to say to me in your defense?"
Oh, he had plenty to say, but he could see that trying to convince Bluestar, who was clearly just as crazy as she had been when she'd led ThunderClan all those moons ago, was a lost cause. He wondered why a cat who had hardly gotten to know him in life was now meant to judge him in death. She had been too preoccupied with Firestar and her delusions to form any sort of lasting bond with her other Clanmates, at least the ones born around the time of Firestar's arrival as Ashfur had been. She could never understand.
"No." The word was just short of a growl. "Not to you."
Bluestar nodded. "Very well. Perhaps your next judge will be more sympathetic." And with that, she walked away, blending back into the stars as seamlessly as she had arrived.
***
Author's notes:
In the canon books, Bluestar is, at best, indifferent to Ashfur's place in StarClan, and at worst, supportive of it. She tells Jayfeather that since Ashfur found his way to StarClan, that must be where he belongs, insinuating that the cats of StarClan themselves have no real say in who joins them and who doesn't (a bit odd considering Bluestar was rumored to have chased Thistleclaw out of StarClan and into the Dark Forest). This always seemed off to me, as Ashfur was not only a traitor to ThunderClan, but specifically targeted Firestar and his kin. Given Bluestar's past experiences with traitors and her vehemency towards them, as well as her love for Firestar, it made no sense to me that she would seemingly have no qualms about Ashfur being in StarClan. However, in Squirrelflight's Hope we are introduced to something we've never seen in a Warriors book before: StarClan trials! The cats of StarClan are seen judging the dead for their actions during life and deciding where they'll spend the rest of their afterlife, and furthermore, they seem to be rather harsh (and sometimes hypocritical) judges. It only made sense that Bluestar would be one of Ashfur's harshest judges. With all of that said, I have structured StarClan trials differently than how they are presented in canon. Instead of several StarClan warriors judging one cat at the same time, they each take turns talking to the cat in question. These trials are structured much more similarly to a leader's nine lives ceremony, and just as in the leadership ceremony, there will be nine cats in total forming their own judgments of Ashfur before ultimately deciding where he goes.
