trexxa's journal || ♥

[Trexxa]

march 18th, 2019 ♥
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ugh, it has not been a good past couple of hours to say the least. l thinks I've gone to practice piano (which is partially true) though mostly I just needed to get out and clear my head. >_<
so today is mh's birthday and that all started good, we talked pretty much all of the morning and early to mid-afternoon. I also picked out my classes for next year, I may be going to england in may of next year OMG. I say I *may* though because all the upperclassmen get to register before me, and the class only has 5 available spots left. I can't sign up for a whole week yet myself grr, dang nabbit.

anyway. so supper rolled around and I went and waited to see if mh would come and he did - though he was talking with another girl and totally failed to acknowledge me. then he went off and sat a flippin seat in front of me while STILL failing to notice me. I was not a happy camper to say the least. XD >.> he spotted me not too long later though and came over to me. then he continued to say how he apparently only had "one real friend because she was the only one to get a gift". well that just left me feeling a TON of crummy things. on one hand that made me feel awful for not getting him something, I debated it though he didn't get me a gift so I figured I wouldn't give him one either to be fair. I also felt pretty mad because boy that sparked my jealousy issues- I can't believe another girl got him something. ...knowing him he was probably just completely joking around and didn't mean what he said about friendship at all seriously. still made me feel like a trash friend though. then I wanted to hang out with him tonight, as I got all my homework done and have nothing better to do. so I kinda drilled him a whole lot about what he's doing tonight but he never offered up coming over, so yeah, that only made me feel worse, cause now I feel overly nosy and clingy yet at the same time unwanted. >_< so then he left, I wanted to give him a hug but chickened out after that unnerving discussion and instead went back to my room feeling really bad.

then when l got back from the pool I decided to tell her about my situation. she took it... waaay differently than I anticipated omg. she got really, really mad - I've never seen her remotely as dead serious as she was then. o_o she told me that I wasn't at fault at all, and mh has serious issues if he honestly had expectations like that. she said she'd never date a guy like that and totally chewed him out. I thought they got along pretty well, so to see her turn on him like that was... creepy. (got me thinking, I told her the other day as well that mh was thinking about switching schools, and her response was simply "there'll always be other guys." like, eh???) now I just feel really awkward and don't have the slightest clue who to put at fault, to see l turn and attack him like that, and the fact my mom doesn't like him either (yesterday she said he was too mean) has got me thinking, what if they DO have a point? what if mh... isn't such the good person I look up to him as? what if he's just messing with me, what if he'll try and take advantage of me? he does joke around an awful lot. what if this is a warning sign that I've been blatantly ignoring, and blinded to because of my adoration for him? ...or what if I'm just crazy blowing things out of proportion and overthinking things like I often do? aaaahhh!!!!

typing this all out sadly didn't help a whole lot, I still feel pretty yucky about the whole thing. I kinda just wanna go to bed and hope tomorrow's a better day. XD x.x I also want to text mh but feel like I might annoy him if he genuinely doesn't want to hang out, (I mean it still is his birthday I dont want to ruin it for him) and still, what if I shouldn't be depending on him so strongly in the first place... urgh! this is such a not fun situation. I wished I had just avoided supper. XD x.x the damage is done though. hopefully this will all sort its own stupid stuff out. I don't want to think of mh as a bad person. but everything I know it as has also been called into question...
I should really actually do piano instead of using this practice room as my personal escape room... haha.. ha. I'll probably go to bed early tonight, text mh goodnight at least. I mean if I straight up ignore him that'll only make things worse. sigh.
till the next time, and hopefully it's bearing better news.
-trexxa

[Trexxa]

march 19th, 2019 ♥
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well it hasn't even been a full 24 hours and I am already back! heh.. heh, heh. I'm feeling better after getting a night's rest, no longer have that nasty sense of dread and discomfort left from yesterday's discussions. still wanted to come back to this and try to work on clearing stuff up some more.

it's about an hour till I should go to lunch... I'll probably run into mh there, he's very much so a creature of habit and tuesdays and thursdays he always goes to eat lunch at 12:30. not gonna lie I am mildly cautious to sit with him now but ehh… I mean, if he's sitting alone... >-< sigh. so after I finished yesterday's entry I did piano very briefly before returning to my room to watch some good old foster's home for imaginary friends. (that show was my childhood, man... I'm honestly thinking that show shaped my sense of humor, I'm not even kidding. I laugh at every single joke in that show despite me being a grown woman now. x'D it brings me a good feeling to laugh that much yet at the same time it is kinda… eerie?) then I was sitting there thinking what on earth to text mh when he actually texted... yikes! well at least it spared me and my desperate attempt to find something decent to say. eue he told me he decided to work on his guitar skills that evening and it made him really happy. so I texted him back and told him I was happy for him (oof) and that I was going to bed. he texted back with... "alright hun good night talk to you tomorrow." (big-time oof). gosh, I adore him. especially when he uses his nicknames on me. how can I think of him as the bad person l made him out to be when he talks like that??? …I also think it'd be extremely difficult for me to so easily cut ties with him, considering how eager he is to start conversation.

idk, I really don't. I still feel like I'm looking waaay too deeply into a harmless incident at the dinner table last night. (oh yeah, that reminds me, when mh finally noticed me sitting just a seat behind him he came over to me and was like "why didn't you tell me you were eating supper now???" to which I was like, eh?? I don't normally do that?? and he went off on how I usually did when I really don't... I think I've only announced I'm going to supper via text like, twice. otherwise I'll walk in and he's there already and I'll sit with him or I'll come first and he'll notice me and sit with me. that was also a weird incident that I forgot after the other stuff that followed. ene) part of me thinks he's just like my little sister, she gets the same way on her birthday. very full of her own ego and unable to reason with others. mh is very childish. of course, part of me thinks that is no valid excuse for his actions. he's definitely not a child anymore, and neither am I. eh.. idk. I'm gonna go to lunch and keep talking to him like nothing really has happened. but I will keep closer tabs on his behavior now. ...this whole incident has made me kinda glad that I'm not really in a relationship with him right now. otherwise the consequences of last night could've been way worse and way more serious. and it's left me questioning if I really should be or should want to. idk, I don't want to look for another guy though. after that one night, back in february... I just can't drop it like that. I'm just going to return to taking things slow right now, see how it all plays out.

now I'd like to play a quick game/watch an episode of something before it's time for lunch. (I have like no homework to do either today and it's like eh... it seems like I either have a HUGE workload or NO workload and there is no inbetween. both types suck honestly... either I'm stressed or bored out of my mind and I hate it. >.<) hopefully today is better than yesterday. well, I'll be back at some point.
-trexxa

edit later on!
lunch only made things worse, gah! I got there and mh appeared to have already been there for a bit, and he was sitting with someone else. it wasn't a girl though so jealousy issues wasn't the problem. instead, it was ch, this guy I absolutely despise from work!! ch is extremely loud and annoying, always acts like a stupid child. I thought mh hated him too since he's also complained about his attitude so I was shocked to see them chatting together. I made eye contact with mh but he didn't even say anything to me, which really did nothing for my mood. I decided after grabbing my food to go and sit with them anyway though, since I felt like I was probably gonna have a breakdown if I hid from mh - especially since he knew I was there. I literally didn't say a word over lunch cause I felt so terrible and I was trying to avoid any sort of conversation with the... disgrace on the other side of the table. I walked with mh to class then but we barely got a moment to talk, he noticed how awful I was looking and asked why I looked so sad. of course we were almost to where I had to go though so I told him I'd talk about it later. ugh. that really sucked. that whole lunch experience just honestly deepened the wounds of yesterday since I didn't get a moment's chance to make things better. I texted mh though he hasn't responded yet... I work tonight so sadly there's a not a whole lot I can do with this situation then. I really need to have a word with him for my sake though. alone.

[Trexxa]

march 20th, 2019 ♥
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weeee I'm back to smack down another 900 words of my nonsense rambling on this forum instead of doing something actually useful with my life. ^-^ I've started using this more than my actual journal which is kind of... troubling... idk, I really like to type though, more so than write with a pen. oops, I blame college life for making me this way. now if only I was that interested in typing the 500 word reflection I should be writing instead right now -ahem-.

so eh, I don't have a whole lot to report on the dramatic situation of the last two entries. (l is currently in the room with her best friend that I seriously dislike - I hope they leave and go to supper soon, they're making it hard to think and that's part of the reason I'm also not doing my homework now...) I texted mh a lot yesterday and that helped to regulate things a bit. I got stuck doing dishes at work so I didn't see him at all at supper or afterwards. plan is to go to supper at the usual time in an hour and hope I see him... I stg if he's not sitting alone though. -_- I'd ask to hang out with him tonight but it really wouldn't work out that well cause I have a group meeting right in the middle of our usual hangout time. also I have a test on psychology (which I've been struggling at) tomorrow so I should really focus on that anyway... heh heh, eeeeehhhh. I want to talk to him thoughhhh. >_<

I was thinking a lot about m again at lunch today and I really think if I don't see her in person by this weekend then I am gonna call her. (since texting appeared to be a flop for communication...) mh won't be here much this weekend because he's going on some trip with his family, so I could use her company. I am really quiet in real life, yet I've come to realize as of late that I honestly need someone to talk to all the time. I do really bad on weekends where m, l, and mh are all gone because darn I get bored/lonely really fast. so yeah, hopefully she'll pick up. x'D I remember her telling me one time that if I call then I should call up to 3 times before giving up - she's bound to pick up by the third ring. when I call her anyway I really, REALLY want to organize a visit out to her place, maybe the following weekend if she isn't busy - or the one after that. I wanna visit her cats, haven't seen them since december. I bet the kittens we rescued then are a lot bigger now. I also still gotta tell her about my plans to stay here over the summer. I was also thinking, maybe I should invite mh to come over with me?? (yeah yeah first I was freaking out the other day about a lack of trust towards him and now I'm inviting him places. I'm unfortunately extremely forgiving to the people I'm most fond of.) mh and m were pretty good friends themselves before m changed jobs. they haven't seen each other since she left, which was nearly 2 months ago, and the both of them keep talking about missing seeing each other. it'd make me feel really happy to bring them together again, and having two of the people who I look up to most with me at the same time would be awesome. so, provided mh is sitting alone at supper and doesn't say anything questionable >_<, I think I'll ask him about the idea. then if he's cool with it ask m.

I think that's about it. if I get to work on my 500 word reflection within the next 6 minutes then I've got exactly an hour till I should go eat. oh yeah, that reminds me, no one took any more of the spots for the class in england next year, and the registration period for upperclassmen has closed. which means, I will be going to england in a little over a year from now!! heck yea!!! a whole month in another country... this'll be quite the experience. I've never left the continent before and I'm excited. a lil nervous too though. I wonder how different the culture will be. well anyway, I must get to work now. seriously.

hopefully I can refrain from writing in here for a while.
-trexxa

[Trexxa]

march 24th, 2019 ♥
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hmm, I'm back again. here because I can't decide whether to do my graphic design project or type this essay for the manager position I'm applying for or do this reading for psychology or just do it all tonight and watch tv now. and instead of pick one I'm just gonna procrastinate and do nothing but type here. yeeep. I've noticed also that over my past few entries this journal has gotten a lot of views that I know aren't my own... who are y'all and since when did my drama become that interesting. x'D well. so let's see here, what's happened the past few days. supper unfortunately was no good again when I went to eat after my last entry. mh was sitting with these other two girls (who I unknowingly sat with too, they hadn't sat down yet and their stuff was just at the table when I got there...) although they weren't like really sitting together either?? it was weird, these two girls totally went off on their own argument with one another while me and mh just sat there eating... so yeah, anyway that prevented me from talking it out with him again. then I got up and left with him hoping I could carry out some conversation then but he was being terribly difficult and ditched me for the bathroom. <.< I was pretty angry the rest of the night then, I had SO much built up that I wanted to say and couldn't and I was just... so done.

thursday was better though. I sat with him at lunch, with no annoying girls or ch for a decent change... we weren't totally alone either though but I did actually manage to put in a word with him. I didn't get to give him the whole fancy speech I had planned lol, but I still let him know how I felt about the whole birthday incident and he did assure me it was just a joke. then I was sitting there eating my food when I looked up because mh was waving at someone - and IT WAS M OMG!!! I went from feeling "meh" to ecstatic SO FAST. it was a beautiful thing. mh encouraged me to go after her and talk to her but I eh... opted not to because she was busy and I know m too well. if I had she would've just been like "oh no you can stay and talk with mh, go have a good time. go on!!" -cough- so yeeah. xD I haven't called her yet and I think I might wait till next week now, because I did bring my idea of going to her house with mh and he said he isn't free till 2 weeks from now. (also when I asked him he said "we will have to see" and god I hate that phrase. means he probably doesn't want to, smh. >.> I'll organize something with m and then pester him with it some more.)

so besides that... haven't talked much with mh since then, just over text really. he went home friday evening and I'm about to text him about when he's coming back (should be soon this evening.) we haven't hung out in over a week now and I really hope he wants to again soon. >.< I am feeling starved of good wholesome conversation, bleh.

yesterday was really good though. it was finally warm enough I could go around outside without feeling cold and uncomfortable. I went on a walk around the town and I also decided to take myself on a tour of all the different dorms on campus. that was a ton of fun, I ranked them all from favorite to least favorite and also imagined what it'd be like living in each of them. xD l has decided to live in one that ranked second to last on my list... simply because her friend I seriously dislike wants her to. she's going to live in a room with seven other people, omg. I couldn't imagine living with that many... I do so bad in group settings. not to mention someone would probably constantly always be bothering someone else. I really want to live in the dorm that mh currently lives in. that place is teeny tiny compared to some of the other places I toured, though I like it that way. reminds me of an actual house (and not the doctor's office the one ranking least favorite on my list resembled...) plus it's super sunny and there's a huge grassy area behind it. it's a nice place. not sure if I'll get to live there though, the college's system of assigning dorms is stupid in my mind. the whole system is a "lottery", so you may or may not get what you want. also my lottery ticket came just a day late in the mail, meaning I missed the day to sign up as just a singular person. ugh! now I can't even partake in the stupid thing unless I find someone willing to be my roommate before wednesday... some joke this is. sigh, it was fun to imagine on my tour yesterday though.

it's really cloudy out today, so not as warm either. supposed to be really hot in the middle of next week though, woo! well I'm going to hopefully pick something to do now rather than procrastinate it all. xP
-trexxa

[Trexxa]

march 29th, 2019 ♥
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...well now that I'm really envious and been put in a foul mood... I'm back to write another one of these. it hasn't been that long I guess, feels like a lot longer though. been not such a nice week again, ugh. also l's annoying best friend is in the room again, I was listening in on her nonsense rambling and she was saying how she was mad about getting one answer wrong on her psychology test. dude! so I scored the exact same on the test and I was so happy I nearly cried when I found out my result - all my previous tests have gone pretty badly and I so needed that to save my final grade. also the teacher said that she was proud of how well the class had done, with an average up to a C+!! seems like the whole class has been suffering then... and she's been getting straight A's in this course?? how and why-- ugh. anyway...

so much of this week was spent on me being anxious about the college's dumb housing lottery. I tried desperately hard to find someone to room with and it kept me up on multiple nights... as predicted I wasn't able to find anyone though. I was seriously crushed by that and then I went to supper to find mh sitting with n - she was the first of his friends that I was introduced to. I remember back in january he invited me to sit with him for the first time, and n sat with us too. she's eh, I don't despise her I guess, she's just really loud and outgoing and not my type of person to hang around with. I also hate how touchy she is around mh, she calls him a whole bunch of cutesy nicknames and goes around flashing her apparent title of his "best friend". hahaha, you can imagine what she does for my jealousy issues. well I hadn't seen her and mh sit together for like, 2 months now. almost since mh and I started talking regularly. I wondered if they'd had a falling out of sorts. well nope, the one night I really wanted to just sit and talk with mh to make myself feel better, she was there. and things only got worse. I learned that they were going to hang out together that night. so she was basically taking my place. the one thing I fear the most. I was already upset by the whole stupid housing lottery. that just sent my mind sprawling into chaos. wednesday night was a really, realllyyyy dark night to say the least.

sigh... yesterday was better I guess. nothing spectacular happened but it wasn't nearly as dark either. today's been pretty good though. I went to lunch to hear from s, the cashier who I know pretty well, that m was currently there eating!! aaahhhhhh!!!! I ran into that place so fast like you wouldn't believe. x'D I spotted her instantly (I could spot her from a mile away, heh) and raced over to join her. we talked a bit (she thought mh and I were an official thing OOF, that was kinda awkward as I had to explain erm, no he is technically just a friend, though he also could be a romantic interest...) and had a good time. being around her makes me so happy, gosh. it's been so long I've almost forgotten what that feels like. I could just follow her around forever honestly, as long as she was fine with it, of course. sadly I had to go to class then, time seemed to fly by and it felt like way too short of time. then I went to class and from the windows saw mh standing around waiting to board the bus lul. he's left for choir reasons this weekend, he's actually going to perform in my home state which is kinda funny. wonder if I'll hear from him? I don't think I'll initiate conversation unless I have a reason to. (simply because I have this new weird fear of exhausting socializing with him erm erm -cough-. at the same time though I worry if I'm not in contact like all the time then he'll forget about me... aaa why must my mind be this way.)

my spotify has decided to break down on me and only play the first seven seconds of any song. this is fantastic. eh... anyway. this weekend I think I'm gonna take the time to go do something fun. I think I'll go on a big shopping trip and get some things. I could really use a grocery run since I'm out of snacks and I'm starving after I have to work my evening shift. I also could desperately use some new shoes lol, my current pair for work are kinda on their last legs... I also just wanna browse at like books and games and stuff. oh yeah, and I wanna go out to eat. could use some other food for a change. I'm really hungry for sandwiches... and not on that boring loaf of white bread you find here. well yeah I think I'm done typing now. l's annoying friend has left so I should be able to concentrate on my assignments now... there's not many so if I spend my time on them now then I'm free to go do my shopping either tomorrow or sunday. well that's all.
-trexxa

[Trexxa]

april 3rd, 2019 ♥
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wednesdays are cursed!
^ I honestly don't know what else to say at this point. wednesdays used to be one of my most favorite days of the week, they used to mean exciting game updates, fun relaxing and spending time in my room. but I swear, the past three wednesdays have been some of the most vicious and ugly days I've had in a long time. >_< I used to be so happy on campus, but these past three weeks have honestly got me questioning a lot of things. ughhh.

this wednesday didn't start that bad. I emailed the housing director person last night because I was really curious about what's to become of my housing situation, now that my initial wave of anger and sadness has worn off. she emailed me back to say she wants to see me in person on friday, and I get to choose any available room in any dorm!! ahaha!! ..I have my doubts the place I want has any openings, I know better from experience than to get my hopes up. still though! I get my pick of what's left, no randomizing, no dumb lottery involved! this isn't so horrible after all.

piano lessons were also really good then (despite my teacher continuing to shame me for being unable to attend seminar yesterday because of a group meeting. I hate seminar with a burning passion, I think working on my final project for a required class for my intended major is far more important. smh, whatever.) and overall I was pretty high-spirited. after class things started to fall apart again though.. I heard from mh in the morning though he hadn't replied anything in a reaaallllyyyyyy long time. which is unusual. and yeah, me and my clinginess and anxiety was totally freaking out again. I went to supper and sat about waiting for him to come in and it was getting close to closing time so I was really, really nervous then. well.
then I saw him walk by and head for the exit.
with n.
they'd been sitting somewhere far off where I'd missed them.
...
I'm pretty sure mh caught me watching them so then I just hid my head since I was... too many things to talk. jealousy issues were really bad again. then I went down on another dark spiral about my own self. I have so many flaws that I am not proud of, and have been weighing down on me for years because I am too afraid of how people will react to them. I've made it well known on the internet that I have social anxiety. and jealousy issues. and clingy issues. but I've never told a living soul in person. all this stuff is honestly weighing me down, slowly squashing my existence. it's been really, really, really bad the past couple of weeks. I'm not sure how much longer I can walk around with this weight in me. I feel like if I don't say something I'm gonna just... snap one day. or I'll just continue to be silent, and my life will never amount to anything. how am I supposed to have friends, best friends, and a husband if I never say anything apart from small-talk to people?? I'm just a big mystery to everyone but myself.
…
I've had enough of this. I'm sitting here right now, working up the courage to text mh (he texted back around 15-ish minutes ago... finally >-<). I'm going to tell him I need to talk to him. really talk. not me just come over and sit on the computer while just sitting there thinking of stuff I wanna say but never saying it. I want to open up to him about everything. my social anxiety. my fear of rejection. my fear of not having friends, and losing the ones I have. my fear of saying too much. my fear for saying too little. I want it to be him that I confide all my darkest, deepest inner thoughts to. why him? ...I don't know. I don't know what he means to me anymore, exactly. first he was just a nuisance. then he was a friend. then he became a romantic interest. now he's... idk. he's special somehow.
I want it to be him that I open up to.
sigghhhhh. I'm so scared of what he'll say. I don't think I'll get to tell him tonight, he's probably hanging out with... someone. I need to tell him though. the sooner the better. before I chicken out again, like I've been doing the past five or so years of my life.
it's time to change. before it's too late.
...like half an hour later...
I hit send. I sent my message off and I can't take it back now. ooooh, I am REALLY anxious now. I can't chicken out now, now that I told him I have stuff to say. I am terrified. but I know I have to do this. I can't go on carrying this big burden alone inside myself. talking to him and letting him in on all this isn't going to cure any of my problems, I've already figured that. but it should make me feel better, and at least I won't have to deal with it alone. he won't ditch me the moment he learns all this about me, will he? eh?? eh! go away anxiety - stop thinking like that. >.< now I'm going to sit here in terror for who-knows-how-long till he responds. and then still be terrified until I tell him. welp.

-trexxa

[Trexxa]

april 10th, 2019 ♥
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been a whole week since I wrote one of these. mmm, that's a good thing, I guess? lol. mostly I'm just writing now to pass the time whilst I decide what else I wanna do with my life. I really, really should work on finishing up this booklet for my graphic design class, since a printed draft is due friday... but eh! since it's a school holiday tomorrow I do have literally almost the entire day to do it then. (oh snap, I just remembered I work tomorrow though. rip.)

today's a wednesday again which is mildly intimidating... although I think I have a key to stop things from going so south tonight! I noticed a correlation between the start of my wednesday troubles (I'm a nerd who overanalyzes things I know) and discovered that all the trouble starts at the dining hall!! the first week of troubles was due to me not getting to speak properly to mh at supper, the second week of troubles was due to n and the housing lottery which was at supper, AND last week spiraled out of control after the whole n thing at supper again! wednesday supper is the root of all evils!! so instead I ordered take-out for later tonight. x'D ha! the troubles can't start if I don't go to their spot of origin!

...exactly one week till I'm done with all the classes for the semester. my last final ends somewhere between 4 and 5 (whenever I complete the test) and then I've decided I'm just gonna immediately head for home after that. I thought about staying and working another day, but eh. I don't really see much of a point in staying if my friends aren't really here for me to talk to. I'm semi-looking forward to break I guess? there's easter in it? plus it'll give me an opportunity to work on the boatload of projects I want to do? (I want to make a magazine and website (thanks graphic design class for the knowledge on how to do it!) for this one fictional organization in my favorite game lol, I've just been soooo busy the past couple weeks I haven't had time to really do it). I really hope mh stays in contact with me as much as he did last break again. that made things so much better, having him there for me all the time. plus... well.... he knows exactly how I feel about my family life now, so he probably should realize just how important his contact is to me.

yep. last wednesday, I did let it all out. after I sent him my message he responded pretty quick after, saying I could come over right then. I figured it best I did so, otherwise it'd just haunt me all night/I'd feel like backing out later on. I, ehm, cried in front of him. a lot. got myself in so much of a panic I almost had a panic attack and had to stop and control my breathing, but he came over and hugged me and that helped me calm myself down slightly. I told him 95% of what was weighing down on my mind, just left off the jealousy and clingy bits, since I genuinely fear how he'd react to those. I let him know all about my social anxiety though, and so on. he talked me through the whole thing, trying to help me rationalize all my thoughts. he even opened up and told me some other deep things about himself. some of it was really dark, it caused me to cry again by him just saying it. I can't believe he's gone through some of the stuff he confided in me. I thought my situation was bad, though really it isn't half as bad as his was. my poor, poor darling. </3

he also kinda told me directly that he isn't ready for a relationship right now. not after his experiences with his last. so, I suppose that answers all my questions then. ..I'm still thinking I want to confess my feelings to him. monday I felt pretty determined about it and ready to say it the next time I hang out with him. now I'm feeling a little hesitant to again (no surprise there...) though I still think I should. I mean I kinda know now that he won't be like "oh I like you too, why don't we go out sometime?" though I still think I should put it out there. (I kinda fear he has his eyes on this one girl who's another friend of his. sunday work was a literal living nightmare btw, because I found out THIS GIRL GOT A JOB THERE WITH US. he spent a huge chunk of his time talking to her. though when he did talk to me he was being extremely... friendly again, placing his hands on me? like, ok? maybe he doesn't like her in that way then? ...why are guys so hard to read?!) oh great! look who's at the door! l's annoying friend! sigh, anyway. so yeah, I feel this need to put myself out there, before it's too late. I mean, regardless, if I wait too long, then he might just go off with someone else. or I might find someone else. or one of us will move away and we'll slowly go on to lead our own lives, and my chance will be gone... I know, I have so many irrational and long-term fears lol. but still though. I just think I should let him know, considering how much else he knows about me now. I adore him - no, I love him, I really do. being around him makes me so happy. I can never seem to tire of his attention. nothing would make me happier than being able to call him my own. my mind frequently travels back to that night in february, when I stayed in his arms the entire night, and he ran his fingers through my hair... that's something I would like to experience forever. previously I never saw myself wanting to get married or anything like that, I kinda liked the idea of being a single, old cat lady lol. now that idea kinda gives me the opposite feelings though. I don't want to be alone my entire life. I'd love to always have mh there.

...but I mean, he said himself he isn't ready for a relationship now. and when he is, if he is, then who's to say he'll want that person to be me? maybe he doesn't even find me attractive, or the right material for a lifelong partner. well, if I end up not being the one, that's okay. I'll be crushed at first, but I'll get over it. at the end of it all.. I just want him to be happy. that's all I ever want for my favorite people.

now that that ended up being really long and really deep, aha. I'm going to, er, maybe play a game or something now. before I force willingly get myself to work on my project. maybe mh will wanna hang out later??? that'd make this wednesday really nice, though I'm not counting on it, I know how these days are!! (I really do hope he wants to hang out at least once more before break next week though - idk if I'll really cough up the courage and mental spirit to deliver my confession, though I'd like to. there's still numerous other things I wanna tell him though, and just being around him before I depart for a good ten days would be greatly appreciated.)
that's all. well not really. there's still more I'd like to stay. but I'm making myself stop now.
-trexxa

[Trexxa]

april 14th, 2019 ♥
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eh, writing one of these now since I don't particularly want to go to bed yet but I can't think of anything I'd rather do instead lol. tomorrow is the beginning of finals week, three whole days of tests before I then head for home on the third night. I haven't really done any studying for them yet, think I'll focus on that tomorrow afternoon after I get done with my first final (which due to the way it's constructed, I don't really need to study for rofl.) I also signed up to work both monday and tuesday night... eh... wondering how wise of a decision that was now lol.

today was a pretty epic day though. the morning started kinda rough, as I was supposed to be in two places at once: performing with my choir in church service AND at work. I ended up leaving the service the moment we finished our major pieces and RACING to get to work, I made it in just as it was opening time omg. work was pretty good though, my supervisor pitied me and let me go on a lunch break (we're supposed to only eat before we open to the public), where I sat with a girl who I suppose has become kinda another friend now. we take two classes together but never spoke at all till we were paired in a group project the other week. now we talk a lot every time we come across each other and today I learned that she is from my home town back in my home state!! WHUT!! that's honestly pretty incredible considering where I'm from LOL. she suggested we hang out at each other's place at some point. that sounds so awesome!!

after my lunch break I got back to work. cy was on this shift with me. (girl from last post, the one extremely intimidating me since I suspected mh maybe being into her... I mean who could blame him honestly. cy is really, really pretty. :c) well I was casually listening in on her conversation with the other girl I was working with, and heard cy say that she's been dating some other guy for almost a year now?! WOW, I couldn't believe my ears. x'D that was the best news I'd had all week ROFL. so she's in a long-term relationship then, meaning she isn't interested in mh, and he can't exactly go off and date her now. this is fantastic news, now I can relax a bit. (though I know she's still gonna give me jealousy issues, just like n does (n is engaged). sigh. at least I don't have to be kept up with my extreme fear at night of these two becoming a thing...)

after work I went to mh's choir's concert, and that. was. EPIC. oml, I knew his choir was the best on the college and obviously filled with a lot of professional singers. all the songs were just... breathtaking though. I just sat through the whole thing grinning like an idiot lol. I didn't tell mh I was coming (eh heh, long story as to why not...) though he must've saw me, since he wasn't weirded out at all when I texted to tell him how great he sounded afterwards lol. that and I caught him smirking pretty hard in my direction at one point. x'D that concert was one of the most epic 2 hours of my life though. mh is so lucky to be a part of this group and to have the talent he does. I'm so proud of him. he's got the voice of an angel.

rest of the evening continued to be awesome, I had to go to a practice recital for my piano jury on tuesday (basically I perform in front of all the piano professors and they determine a grade for me based on that performance. nice equivalent of a final, just for music. ayeee.) was heavily not looking forward to that but I was in such a good mood after mh's choir that I was totally pumped for it lol. I did awesome, everyone else froze at some point in their songs...!

and now I've just been sitting here texting mh, we've gone off on some crazy joke argument and I don't even know. x'D aaa, he's an idiot. but I love him to death. whatever happens, wherever life brings us, I hope that he'll always be there. he means everything to me, honestly. like I've said before, I don't know what it is exactly. but there is something special about him.

it's getting late, though I can sleep as long as I want tomorrow honestly, my final isn't until 1:30. first time I've gotten to sleep in since, like, tuesday I think. wooo. well idk when I'll write one of these next, probably gonna be at home.
-trexxa

[Trexxa]

april 25th, 2019 ♥
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haven't written one of these in 11 days? yipes! lemme read over the last one to refresh my memory... alright, the first paragraph was all I needed to see lol. so, I'm currently at home on break. break ends sunday, so not too many days of it left, whew thank god. part of me's kinda wishing time would slow down since I of course still have a long list of things I need/want to do before I'm busy again lol. yet I'm also really hyped to go back since I've been a bit... collegesick? since monday. ;-; idk, starting then I just really, really started missing my dorm and classes and interacting with people there. starting yesterday it moved to really missing mh rofl oof.

I've been in pretty steady contact with him again. our conversations have been a lil different from normal though, since he's out of state with his choir this whole time he's been pretty busy and so we haven't had too long of conversations. we haven't told each other "goodnight" like the whole time either like we normally do, it's just been one long-rolling conversation spanning over all the days lool. we chatted quite a bit today though, I was telling him that I'm planning on getting a different job next year and explaining why... I made some comment of "the majority of people I like there have left or are leaving" and he responded with "lol you don't like me" and... bksjsjkshs I got so flustered omg. XDD like, DUDE. he basically cornered me into saying that I like him..!!! I thought about saying it straight like that, but ended up making it less direct and played it down. x'D >.> (what are we, man? young adults or schoolchildren??) sigh. he's such an idiot. I wouldn't trade him for the world though.

anywho, so finals week went pretty well. wasn't too stressful, apart from tuesday night when I rushed to cram for the two finals I had wednesday. also didn't see mh for days - he musn't have gone to eat once (or he was very, very sneaky when he did) since despite me working I never saw him around there... however I really didn't want to leave without seeing him so I came up with a sneaky plan to convince him to help me load my luggage into my truck loool. so he did, although he saw RIGHT THROUGH IT and told me that "oh you don't really need my help - you just wanted to hang out with me before going home! you're so easy to read." -headdesk- -_- sigh, ah well... at least I got what I wanted haha.

I'm so heckin excited to get back... not so much for work which I have sunday again (GRR), but for classes to start aaa! 5 days a week, 2 hours and 40 minutes a day I get to spend with mh since we're gonna be in the same classes!! x'DD plus tons of free time since there's no piano lessons, no choir, and half the amount of classes that demand very little outside of classtime! plus it's finally warm out again so I can spend tons of time outdoors! it's gonna be the best month ever!! (uhm, let's hope anyway. xD x.x)

meh, tomorrow I really need to get myself in gear and finish my resume and apply to some positions. (by the way, I did not get the student manager position at my current on-campus job, which is another reason I wanna ditch the place now. I worked so hard the whole schoolyear with the hopes of scoring that position. I swore I had it too after getting the recognition I did a few weeks ago. but nope, apparently my communication skills just aren't good enough. yeah, thanks. way to slam all my social anxiety issues back at me. thankfully I ceased to sink back into them though, I haven't since I opened up to mh (and l). so talking to them did amount to something good after all. I just can't think of myself as alone anymore when there are people out there who do know the truth about me, and I know I can now lean on when need be. but anyway. instead I'm hit with the mindset that I feel underappreciated there. my work ethic is one of the, if not the strongest of everyone there. but if I'm not getting the reward for my hard-working attitude, well then fine. I'll take my skills somewhere where they will be better recognized. …anyhow. so I really don't want to work there over the summer anymore, and I'm really on the hunt for another job. I've got about six locations I think I'm gonna apply to. hopefully at least one wants to take me. ;-;

well, I should go take my shower now before mh texts back. he messaged a bit ago and said he was half done with tonight's performance and was going to message me after, like lol ok. not sure why he was messaging me in the middle of it... anyhow I'm not about to question him. not sure what I'm gonna do tomorrow, I really wanna get some writing in before I go back. idk when I'm going to be back next either. when the spectacular month of class is over it's not exactly like I'm coming home. pretty sure I'm moving straight into my summer housing after that. so... I really won't have a need to come home for... several months?? I plan to be home for my grandparent's wedding anniversary party and my sister's birthday which are all on the same weekend in july, but other than that... (tbh I'm a little scared for the summer though o-o definitely not of the independence or working a new job. rather it's the fear of... being alone again... hopefully I will get to hang out with m at some point (GRR, haven't seen her in weeks again...) but as for my other friends... l won't be here or any of my other minor friends I know, and then there's mh… gahh, I'm terrified of the thought of not seeing him for 3 months straight. that's a long time. what if we fall out of contact from a lack of in-person interaction? what if he finds a new friend, or, y'know, over that time period?? or the ultimate worst - what if he chooses not to come back next year?! he talked about it a couple months ago, plus he is in a lot of debt... gulp. I'm scared of the thought of him not being there. I can't lose him. I just can't...)

now that that ended on a bit of a darker note... yeesh. I ought to get going. till the next one.
-trexxa

[Trexxa]

april 29th, 2019 ♥
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literally only here to waste time right now lol. I'm not gonna go eat until approx. 11:45 and it's only 11:11, but I have nothing else to do, soo... yeah, obviously I am back on campus. it's the first day of classes, and let me just say: UGH. so far in it has not been a good experience AT ALL.

yeah, I probably shouldn't have hyped these classes up as much as I did, since it's clearly come back to bite me. I can thank mh for all the reasons why my first day of class this morning totally sucked. anyway, before I jump into that I should provide a bit of what led up these events... so yeah the rest of my break was fine, mostly me majorly hyping up going back lol. talked with mh a lot over the remaining days and then when he got back yesterday he wanted to hang out yippee!!! I was honestly so shocked when he texted and asked if I'd like to come hang out, I figured he'd be too tired after his trip and wanting time to sleep/be alone lol. but yeah, that was good. we chatted and watched tv and then hugged for an extensive amount of time, which on one hand was kinda awkward since I felt like uhm… this is lasting a really long time... yet I didn't want to break it off either. x'DD

anywho, he kept saying to me during that time that he "wasn't gonna come to class in the morning" but I assumed he was obviously joking. 99% of the time when he says something dumb he means it as a joke, and he had his normal joking tone too yet. so I just laughed it off and told him lol yes he was coming to class, and I would drag him to class if need be. so then I left him on that note and went to my own room. slept kinda miserably last night, was too anxious about today. ;-; so then I got up extremely early lol, and went to class while keeping an eye out for mh along the way. didn't see any sight of him. well, I got to class and despite the room being almost full there was no trace of him there either, gulp. I ended up awkwardly taking a seat in the back since I didn't want to sit in a filled row in case he would sit by me when he showed. (some guy I dislike from work ended up sitting by me instead, urgh. >.<) well then I sat there getting more and more nervous as the time went on, and well, class started and he was a NO-SHOW. I was like, mentally freaking out, and it was so embarrassing when the teacher went over the list of students and he wasn't there. >_< I looked at my phone to see if he said anything and this was the text I got: "mmm I thought you said you were going to force me to class" ...ARE YOU SERIOUS.

whoo boy, was I ever mad then! (dude, I just got an email from another guy from work who wants me to take his lunch shift sunday. grrrr, I already have to work supper that night... do I really want an 8-hour day?! ugh, I'll think about it.) yeah, I can't believe he was actually being serious. the teacher continued to ask if anyone knew where mh was and I just kinda sat there awkwardly since well yes I do know, but it's not like I could give a valid excuse for his absence... then some other girl, who I have no idea who she is, raised her hand and said that he texted her and told her he slept in. ?!?!?! oh NO, don't tell me I have another jealousy issue to worry about!! who the heck is this girl anyway, I've never seen her sit/talk with him... and how come he informed her this? did he really sleep in? why didn't he tell that to me?? ugh. I stormed out of that classroom just about ready to beat someone up. namely mh. boy, I've never been as angry with him as I was in that moment. in fact I've NEVER been angry with him, until that incident. I just... ugh. he ruined all my high expectations for a first day, caused me extreme anxiousness which destroyed my ability to focus, AND made himself look like an idiot to the teacher and the rest of the class, while endangering his grade. he's allowed up to one more absence like that, and then if he's a no-show again he'll fail the course.

he BETTER be at this next class at 12:30. if you miss the first day of this second class, then you'll be automatically withdrawn. it's not really a game, mh. sigh. he made himself look like a major jerk this morning. I'm trying to cool it though. he's not going to fail the course for that incident today... his friendship is too valuable for me to really blow up at him. I just, ergh.

well, time to slowly read this over for typos before I go eat lunch. wonder if I'll see this fool there. if I do then I'm sticking like a magnet to him and making darn sure he gets to that classroom.
-trexxa