trexxa's journal || ♥

[Trexxa]

June 29th, 2019 ♥
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here I am, back again. yay. I'm currently on my lunch break at work. favorite store place, that is. it's going good so far. there is a LOT of memorization involved though, which is mildly ugh. also this whole place is like a giant temptation... when I'm on break I just browse the isles and find even more stuff I want aaaaa. I made a list on my phone already of everything I want. it's only a matter of time before I crack down and buy it all. x'D

everything else has been alright. I gave my quitting speech for the fast food place on thursday... that ended up being kinda rushed cause the manager had to leave for a meeting yikes. he didn't seem too angry with me whew, just a little annoyed I wasn't giving a 2 weeks notice. I compromised by agreeing to work next week there too yet though, grr.

I texted mh today... I know, a miracle lol. I had to text my uncle about independence day plans (yes, I'm from the US if you haven't worked out by now) and also had been putting that off for weeks. I made a deal with myself that I'd text them both at the same time. so I did this morning. neither have replied. o~o not gonna lie this is doing nothing for my anxiety... a zillion bad thoughts are starting to surface in my mind and it's like aaaa sthaapppp selffff.

well, I don't think I have much else to say. I feel like all I do nowadays is work lol. I worked 6 days over the past week. atm I'm currently employed by three different places. x_x sigh. well I should prepare to head back. see ya.
-trexxa

[Trexxa]

july 2nd, 2019 ♥
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boy do I have some tea for this entry today
...
...of course I shall save the, errrr, worst, for last. anyway. can't believe it's july already, sheesh... only about two months till I move into my new dorm yeee. anyway, I see it hasn't been that long since I made my last entry, huh... feels like it's been way longer for some reason lol. well work has been going alright so far. I'm really liking my job at my favorite place. I still have a ridiculous amount of stuff to memorize... but I like the lady I've been working with every time I come in. and I get to wear whatever I want... and it's cool to be around all my favorite stuff lol. I just am starting to not like my manager so much, which sucks. a lot of my coworkers like to undermine him, they talk about how unpredictable he is... sometimes he'll be in a great mood and other times he'll be a bit grumpy and very strict on the rules. I've noticed this a bit myself... I also have refrained from saying a single thing about my other job to him after I brought it up on my first day and he got all weird about it -shudder-. k, obviously I am not bringing any conflicts I have to him.

speaking of conflicts. well, I decided to throw in the towel at my fast food job. I have conflicts on two out of the four days I was scheduled for the rest of this week, and I REALLY don't want to work on independence day. so. I've decided that tomorrow I'm going to text the manager and tell him I can't work this week after all, and I'm done. sorry fast food place and the people there. my other new jobs are just so much better for me...

well hey, guess who also FINALLY got around to texting mh! I texted him sunday and just casually asked him how things were like I planned. unfortunately our conversation died off pretty fast. -_- he wanted to know about my jobs so I told him the whole grand story of how I somehow ended up working three jobs, and guess what: he opted not to reply! x.x well that's just great, thanks mh. ughhhh. I want to speak to him more, I have a multitude of questions for him... I'm going to wait a little while though. again. sigh...

well, now we're heading down the road to the *not so awesome* parts. today was an... interesting day to say the least. my whole family and I decided to go shopping for fireworks at a big store over an hour from where we live. it's been a yearly tradition of ours for a little while now. well, my mom absolutely refused to let us take her car for the trip and my dad's car is broken, so everybody ended up in my vehicle. -_- except... we needed to stop and renew my vehicle's registration before we could go anywhere. turns out my truck needed whole new license plates... and we needed tools to get the new plates on. so my dad decided we'd get the tools at his place of employment. oh boi.

...remember the guy who I brought up many entries back? the guy who works with my dad? and told my dad that he was going to be his future son-in-law?! well! guess who came running the moment we pulled up to that place!! aaarghhh!!! (the lyrics to this song I am listening to right now literally suit my opinion on this LOL - I'm not gonna post it though since I don't think cs would agree too much with me...) this guy just went crazy when he saw me and went off on this insane rambling spree. he was like: "oH you must be (trexxa) right?! your dad has told me SO MUCH about you, like literally everything, all about your piano recitals and stuff... your dad told me you like (insert music here)… have you explored similar artists yet? have you heard of (this group)? I'm just obsessed with them right now..." hmmm I could just keep going but I'll cut it here. my mom then busted her way into the conversation and continued to talk for much of the day about how much of a "nice man" he was. yeah, a "nice" man who has a bit of an obsession with me... wouldn't be surprised if he has photos of me hanging in his room, next to a stack of love letters... (x'DDDD) anywho the rest of our trip to buy fireworks was horribly long, we stumbled upon some unexpected road work and had to take a detour through a very big and very busy city... ugggg. we were gone for far too long.

...I guess I can say I may finally understand where mh is perhaps coming from in not sharing feelings for me. okay, okay, I admit it, it's actually kind of freaky having someone idolize you as much as they do. this dude being obsessed with me kinda creeps me out, mom can think he's a "nice guy" all she wants but I don't exactly find someone crazy about me all that attractive. like, I need space my dude. mh might have been there a lot too at first, but he didn't exactly ramble to everyone he knew about how someday he'd marry me, nor did he go off blabbering about how awesome I was when first running into contact with me. I'm a very antisocial creature with trust issues (lol), I don't like to open up to anyone that I don't know well. if I don't know you well, or if I don't like you, then you need to give me space to breathe.

lol we are still not at the worst. here that part comes. so before I started this entry earlier tonight, I was just lying around in my room reading a bit while waiting for myself to get tired enough to go to sleep. then my phone randomly went off as I got a message... and I quote word-for-word this is the message I got: "(my dad's name) told me I'm supposed to have this number. I know he loves to get back at me for what I do at work, so I'm slightly concerned." WELL THEN. hmm I wonder what random person sent that message...

-_-
okay, but seriously, what in god's name dad. why would you give this guy who's head-over-heels obsessed with me (mind he's never really spoken in person with me apart from today) my number??? it's my decision who I do and do not give my number to!! good gods, I'm never going to hear enough from this guy now. bet I'm easily going to get 20+ texts a day, and some phone calls too yet. much fun for my anxiety. I... I don't even. I can't believe both my parents are on my case and trying to get me to go out with this guy... it's my life and my decision? you aren't concerned about how crazy obsessed he is with me either? no? apparently because he only has positive things to say that easily makes him a hundred times better than mh though. they don't even know a thing about what I've been through with mh… they don't know about the times we spent together, or that night, or the night where I broke down, or how deep I fell for him.

smh. some part of me thinks maybe I should give this dumb guy a chance though. (btw, from now on, since I get the sense he's going to be around a lot (ugg) we'll now refer to him as mt. (...why do all these people in my inner circle have names with m in them.) is it awful that I feel like I should give him a chance since he'd, well, he'd be a distraction from mh? at least with this crazy guy everywhere, I, uh, don't have to sit in my pit of sadness/guilt/anger/anxiety/wondering "what if". I just... I don't know really. this entry is getting long and I need to go to sleep. I work a lot tomorrow. I'm going to wait to text... mt, back till then. don't want him bugging me the entire night. (an on the bright side thing (since I feel I need that...)! I think an opportunity to visit m may finally be coming! now that I no longer have to worry about working every weekend at fast food place... and my favorite store isn't scheduling me for every weekend... I might actually have some freedom next weekend/the one after that. yay, just now to call m and schedule something! about time!!!)

-trexxa

[Trexxa]

july 14th, 2019 ♥
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man, been a little bit since I last recorded something in here. I'm gonna have to look over my previous entry to see what I all need to recap. haha... ha. alright. so, where should I begin.

my career in fast food has been over for awhile now, thank gosh. I texted the manager like I said I would only to get a slightly snide reply in return about how he "had off today and I needed to call the office and tell them" -whispers- although I didn't, since a) no one ever answers that phone, b) I wasn't scheduled till the next day and I knew he'd be in to handle it then, and c) ...phone call anxiety. he must've handled it though, since I never heard a thing from him or anyone there again, and that's the way my chapter ended there.

I worked over 50 hours this week. 50 hours. that's equivalent to more than two days this week of just straight work. ...that's fun. my job at my favorite place has really turned to be out awesome though. I absolutely love the lady I seem to be scheduled with most frequently. we'll call her C$, that's the nickname she labels on everything at work rofl. I've really warmed up to her and we love to exchange news about our daily lives every time we are working together. last night I was responsible for closing the store with her. we ended up staying almost an hour past our scheduled time since we were a bit behind, but tbh I was having so much fun I really could've cared less. C$ is an awesome coworker and is becoming another good friend. and this job is also awesome. (...apart from the occasional really annoying customer. I'm noticing we have a strangely large amount of those. -_-)

the job at the other place I really wanted is turning out to be... really NOT SO AWESOME! ugh. this job is nothing like I thought it would be. it is literally the most boring thing I've ever had to do with my life. I was told I'd be trained to work both on register and in the kitchen, though it seems they've stuck me in the kitchen with literally no way out in sight. the kitchen is. so. boring. every day it's the same exact thing... make these sandwiches when they expire or sell out, repeat, repeat, repeat. and I always get scheduled to eight hours at a time. eight hours. of the same exact thing. plus my coworkers are kinda annoying. they're all somewhat around my age, but apparently they're like?? all renting out a house together?? so they all know each other really well and I'm just this weird odd one out?? the majority of them are also all girls who like to do nothing other than gossip and whine and complain (mostly about the men in their lives). words cannot describe how much they get on my nerves sometimes. >_< nope, nope, nope. I want out of this job as soon as I can. I'm not going to make a full decision till the end of this month, though I am heavily, and I mean heavily leaning towards NOT transferring to this place in my college town. lol I do not want to be stuck doing even more of the same stupid kitchen work every weekend there as well. I'm considering transferring to my favorite place down there instead... although the nearest place isn't for about twenty minutes away. so a mild commute, for a job that doesn't even pay that well. x_x regardless of what I decide to do there'll be no more C$ though. sigh. I hope she wants to stay in touch at least?

...well, besides my job drama. it's been silent between me and mh again. I kind of want to spark conversation with him, ask him a few questions I have in my mind. I just realized it's also about the time he said he'd be moving. yikes. idk, I just as strongly feel like avoiding conversation with him as well though. I feel like my feelings towards him are finally, ever so slowly, starting to diminish. I don't want to spark anything with myself again. I will text him for sure though in approximately a month. to ask that single, enormous question. "will you be coming back to college?" idk, is it bad that I'm now kind of hoping he says no? I want to be rid of my grudges against cy and n... I want to start fresh. I feel like if he comes back things are just going to be super awkward between us as well. there will forever be this weird tension between us after I dropped that letter and that phrase on him. I fell for him hard and he just let me fall. I... I honestly don't know if I can just go back to being friends with him. I can't just joke and laugh with him like I used to and pretend nothing ever happened. that'll just leave me feeling too uncomfortable. and vulnerable to slipping back into my feelings.

hey, I also uh, got into contact with m. ended up just texting her, thanks phone call anxiety. she said she's working this next weekend (which I have free), dang nabbit! then the week after that is my sister's birthday, and I do really want to be here for that, so ugh. maybe we can make the following weekend work?? otherwise, I'm realizing, there really isn't that many weekends left till I actually return to college. YIKES. I'm thinking maybe tomorrow or something I should also text ca again. we had talked about hanging out this summer since we live so close. I feel kind of bad for not saying anything this far lol. maybe I could hang out with her instead this weekend, since I am still free.

...I also, uh, have continued to talk to mt. we've just had this steady stream of conversation since the whole thing. mostly it's him asking all sorts of strange complex questions about my life and me trying to handle it lol. I guess he's not terrible. he hasn't asked to hang out or anything though, oddly enough. though he did tell me he works roughly 60-70 hours every week (eeeww) so that could also be why. ..I like talking to him. it's a nice change of pace.some part of me is scared though. scared I'll grow to like him and get attached to yet another person. only to get burned the same way I was by mh. I'm scared, truth be told. scared I'm just going to be hurt again. every time I feel like I get close to someone it's like they suddenly pull away. and it is the most degrading thing for my mental health. </3

I've been rambling too long again. I need to go play a game or watch an episode of anime or whatever I decide to do before I need to go to bed. I didn't sleep a whole lot last night, going to bed late and then getting up at 5am for the job that turned out to be a letdown (grrrrr)… then I have to work 9 hours between the two places again tomorrow, ughhhh. well, I'll be back here at some point in time. ( note to self. if ca doesn't want to hang out this weekend either (or if you don't get the courage to text her in the first place -_-) then work on your sig here. it's really outdated again and has been bugging me for weeks!!)

♫ - danger, keep away
^ also, more music. this came up on my playlist for about the second half of my entry and it totally fit my mindset at that point. been really addicted to this band lately lol. most of their songs are nowhere near as soft and slow as this. the few slow pieces every now and again are exceptionally beautiful though.
-trexxa

[Trexxa]

july 16th, 2019 ♥
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welp, only been two days since I was last here. a significant amount has happened though, especially in the past 24 hours, so I thought it was worth writing about it. to start anyway I got around to remaking my avatar and signature! heh heh, I am proud of myself. didn't even have to wait for a day off. now to wait till I get extremely tired of this one. it should last me a few months at the most. x'D

I also did get around to texting ca, yayyy self you're not completely useless. she was very interested in hanging out and we agreed to meet up at the mall this sunday. I'm looking forward to it (not so much to all the money I'm going to waste... heh heh… heh... (rip college payment fund.) it'll be nice to have someone to talk to about my life again. it hasn't been completely lonely for me the time I've been home obviously. I'm surrounded by people every time I go to one of my jobs. I just can't really talk to my coworkers the same way I can to friends I've had for longer, we don't have that history or much in common... C$ is the closest I've gotten to having a nice wholesome conversation with. so it'll be nice to see ca again. (and hopefully m within the next few weeks. ;-;)

a !!lot!! has also happened with my communication with mt. tbh the past few days I've been considering just asking him directly if he wanted to hang out at some point in time or something. I think he's alright now and I think I should at least give him a chance. he's extremely different from how it was talking to mh - well, no, I erm, take that back. he's kind of a lot like how mh was... in the beginning. super attentive, interested in learning more about me. really respectful and kind. but anyways. we've been talking for what, roughly two weeks now? so I was starting to think he wasn't actually going to do it. was starting to have my doubts that he was in fact really even that interested in me, since he'd failed to come anywhere close to asking me out. well yesterday it all started when he asked for my help in pulling a prank on my dad. he said he loves to pester my dad like that a lot but ever since he'd gotten my number it had become so much harder to mess with him. I wasn't too sure what the correlation was between him having my number and his failure to prank my dad was though, so I went ahead and asked him. the response I got was as follows:



"so it all started like a year ago. he brought you by on a saturday (he remembered the exact day of the week?? like what??) and introduced you to everybody that was working that day except me. so then I started provoking him by saying I was going to find a way to take you on a date. so now if I say anything he's just like hey you have her number."



I stared at that message for awhile just really mind-blown. everything he said wasn't really a surprise, I already knew about it all... though to have him actually admit the whole thing to me was pretty wild. so after many hours of deliberation (lol) I decided, well, I'm going to do it. I'm going to ask him directly if he's actually interested in me. and if he's going to ask me out.

he didn't reply back for many hours. ofc me and my stupid anxiety got all nervous then and wondered if perhaps I was too direct and sent him running for the hills. (x'D) …or perhaps, as suggested by the message, maybe he really wasn't into me after all. maybe it was all just a huge elaborate prank on my dad to try and get under his skin, and his interest in me was all fake. well about an hour ago he finally replied... he said yes. he has asked me out.

woah. I'm a mix of many things right now. I'm relieved the whole thing wasn't just some crazy prank. happy that I have finally found someone who has a genuine romantic interest in me. excited at the possibility of what the future may hold. equally as nervous as to what the future may hold. but most of all I'm optimistic to say the least. I haven't felt that way in awhile. I'd say it's been quite a few months since I've actually felt really hopeful when looking to the future. so far this year everything in my life has just been so uncertain. my housing at college. m getting a new job and falling out of my life. my housing over the summer. what career I'd be taking over the summer. and of course the whole storm that was mh. wondering if he had feelings for me, as I went from being near positive to completely unsure and back and forth. and then when things just gradually started to fall downhill. unlike mh, I know for a fact this guy likes me. and that's nice. I know at least one thing for certain.

I'm not going to jump to conclusions. I'm not going to consider that anything might happen seriously between me and this guy. not even going to entertain the thought of him becoming a boyfriend. heck, not even going to think of us as dating until if and when this actual date happens.

but hey. at least I don't feel quite as alone as I did before.
-trexxa

[Trexxa]

july 23rd, 2019 ♥
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oh wow, been longer than I thought since my last entry again. no wonder so much has happened since the last one. I shouldn't really be here, I really should be using my time to work on my sister's birthday project instead... but ugh, I just have no interest in working on that thing right now and I'm not even 100 percent certain on my idea for it either. -_- (every year for my sister's birthday I like to draw her a really well-done picture, since I'm an aspiring traditional artist. it's both cheap and fun for the both of us, lol.) tbh I'm not even really interested in writing in here right now (that's great brain. must be work getting to me. >.<) but ugh. I feel like I should at least be doing SOMETHING.

I'll start with the big stuff this time. maybe that'll make this hideous urge I have to just draft this thing and go lie in my bed go away. x'D well, after my last entry mt and I actually set up a day for a date. that was last saturday, the 20th. so, we went to eat at one of my favorite restaurants and to see a movie. I feel like it went over well, despite me constantly thinking to myself that I wasn't saying enough, thanks anxiety. >.< I felt comfortable around him, which was a good feeling. and then when we parted ways for the evening he told me we should do it again sometime, and that he'd text me. and well, yesterday he sent me a text again, so he musn't have thought it went too bad himself either. xP I suppose the real question is though, what did I think of it? ...I had a fun time. and he seemed nice and normal, not like the weird and creepy person I made him out to be lol. I noticed he had a ton of quirks that reminded me of mh though... his habit of cracking his knuckles, his interest in engineering, and how he mentioned he found so much humor in messing with others... the resemblance to mh was almost spooky.

...do I feel any sort of romantic connection to mt? well, not as of now. though the date was fun it felt just a lot like a hangout with a friend. at the moment I do not feel anything towards him. it's probably better that way if I'm honest. I do not ever want to go through what I went with mh ever again. I'm not playing games with a guy for months on end, only to have the whole thing blow up in my face. who knows, maybe that will change. my feelings for mh didn't develop right away either. if he asks me out again, I will agree again though.

I also went to the mall with ca sunday. that was good, I enjoyed catching up with her again. I also spent way too much again lol. I am horrible at saving up anything. even though I really, really should try and maintain some self control... that first school payment is due awfully soon... and speaking of friends, I do have off work the sunday two weeks from now. I texted m to see if she was free and she told me she doesn't know for sure yet. -_- good grief, I hope she messages me back. otherwise, idk, I'm just going to have to storm her house. x'D

well, now that I've covered that portion. work has been alright. yesterday was pretty hectic, though I don't feel like going into any crazy detail. thursday I'm actually NOT in the kitchen for the first time at the other place, oml. I've decided that after that day I'm going to make a decision on what to do... now unless working on the register that day turns out to be the best working experience of my life, then I'm going to turn in my two-week notice the next time I come in. ...and hopefully, I'm able to seal a transfer with my other job, otherwise... ehhhh…. I haven't worked out that far yet. oops.

my thoughts have been concentrated a lot on college again the past couple of days. I'm ready to go back again. ready to purchase what I need, pack up, and head out. I'm not exactly ready for the less than enjoyable classes I've got this semester, or to rotate the same dining hall food for months with no access to a stove/oven (hands-down the most underrated annoying thing about on-campus living...) or to see the people I don't like so much. but I am more than ready to get back to my solid schedule, my own room, and my own independence. don't get me wrong, this summer hasn't been horrible. I've met a few people here as well that I will surely miss. but college just has something special about it that being here simply cannot begin to compete with. there's just a little over a month now. I don't know my exact move-in date yet (-_-) though I assume a memo about that will be coming around soon. and in about exactly one month... I will text mh. if he says he is coming back, well, idk what the future will hold then. I definitely think I should be cautious about how much time I spend around him though. avoiding eye contact with him in hallways and in the dining hall will probably become a thing for my own good, lol. and if he says he isn't coming back, which I am leaning towards, well, we shall see how much he and I talk after that. chances are it will be very minimal. if at all. but that's alright though. things between us have clearly failed, though I'm starting to think it was a lost cause from the beginning...

I guess that's all I have to say for now. back to staring at this sheet of paper while I try and force myself to begin drawing on it. yay. I should also head to bed soon, I have to be in early-ish at my lovely job. bleh.

-trexxa

[Trexxa]

july 28th, 2019 ♥
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yep. me again. I should really probably be making my way to bed now since I have to be up for work at 7am (GRR). but I've had a strange sudden burst of energy. so meh.

I don't have a lot to talk about this week. it's been pretty quiet to say the least. I think I've worked every single day since my last entry... bleh. and I still don't have a day off till next week. :') sigh. I've also been struggling this whole week to make up my mind about what the heck to do with my work over college situation. I have been pretty set on the idea of transferring to my favorite store down there, ofc my phone call anxiety has prevented me from making even the slightest move to call that store. -_- and then I've also been rethinking it, like is the commute worth it for the pay? is it even a good idea to work there? I mean, if I agree to take the closing shifts, which is like all I'd be able to pick up with my class schedule, I wouldn't be back at my dorm till approx. 10:30pm, and if I had a lot of homework that night it could get ugly...

I got my paycheck for the not-so-nice other place friday as well, and it was like... wayyyyyyy larger than I thought it would be. o_o staring at it kinda made me reconsider everything, I mean working in the kitchen is horrible, but I'd have to be a complete idiot to walk away from THAT sum of money... though then again, ugh. that paycheck was from me working close to 40 hours at that place one week. it's not like it's an accurate representation of what I'd be making whilst in college. and what if that place flippin called me in to that stupid 6am shift on my weekends?! I'd probably go crazy! I just... ERGH.

it would just be easiest to go back to working on campus. but that pay is just... so measly. and I really, desperately, need the money this year. I was talking with my mom about it the other day, and she was saying she had no idea how we are going to cover my payments this year... she racked up a lot of credit card debt from last year that she still hasn't come close to paying off. I need to put in as much as I possibly can so as to make sure I get a chance at the lottery, and get to keep my trip abroad, this school year. those tiny payments from on-campus work simply are not going to cut it.

blarghh… I don't know what to doooooo. ;_; I need to find a balance between money, time management, and maintaining my sanity... and I need to find a solution before the end of this week. send help.

besides that nightmare business that is haunting me. mt and I have continued to text each other a lot, which is nice. I was a little worried there my silence might've scared him off after the first date. x'D it appears not though, and that's good. I'm appreciative of his company, if nothing else. also, m has not yet texted me back regarding next sunday. -_- I'm gonna give her till friday. then I'm going to have to be annoying and text her.... AGAIN. I'm soooo sick of asking her about scheduling a hang-out. x_x I miss her so bad though. we have... SO much to catch up on.

well, besides that. I'm feeling... oddly ambitious tonight for some reason. all this scary talk of money with school payments and work and stuff has really got me thinking I need to find some other solutions to the money issue. for awhile now I've been thinking about really getting to work on brushing up on my art skills. I've been practicing traditional art for ?6? years now? and in that time I think I've gotten pretty good. I'm not a professional by any means, though I wouldn't classify myself as amateur anymore either. I'd say I definitely fall in the intermediate category. I also have had a drawing tablet sitting around since christmas. I've been doodling with it when I'm bored since then, though I haven't actually completed a single thing I've started, heh heh… eh. anyway, I've been thinking of practicing my skills some more. so that maybe, within a year or so, I can feel confident enough in my skills to start commissions. I think it'd be a good way to net a little extra money, while still having some fun while I'm at it.

also, in case I haven't mentioned, what I want to do with my degree, in an ideal world, is become a writer for video games. for the past year I've also had the idea of... possibly making my own game while I'm at it. (hmm, now that I'm typing this, I think I might've mentioned it. idk. too much work = my memory falls apart. D'x) last year I remember thinking a lot about learning a bit about coding. ofc I was too lazy to really go through with any of it. though sitting here tonight I've been thinking, you know what, I really should actually do this. if I plan to really get anywhere with my ambitions and goals in life then I need to start putting in some actual effort. and the sooner I do it, the better. so tomorrow I get off work at 4:30, and I'm thinking about sitting down and working on some super basic programming for a few hours. I haven't the faintest clue where to start, lol. though I figure a few online guides and I'll be on my way. I downloaded a fairly nice program tonight, unfortunately I couldn't complete the download... not enough space on my stupid hard drive. my computer has two hard drives built into it, actually. so it looks like I'm going to have to re-download the program and put it on the other one instead. if I can do that, that is? can I effectively program from my storage drive??? bleh! so many questions.

I really want to follow through with this though. I really want to get started on this project of mine. start teaching myself the basics of code, start making some really simple and straightforward games. start building myself to the type of game I have in mind. who knows, maybe I could end up being really good at it, end up raking in a ton, and waving goodbye to these stupid money concerns. or maybe I'll be a total flop. never know till you try though. x'D even then. the experience will still be a good thing. if I can put together some type of game, even something small, and build a decent storyline into it, even that will be enough to get future employers to take an interest in me...

ok self, it's past your bedtime. enough deep thinking for today. time to go to bed, you can resume your thoughts tomorrow evening. well, I'm out till approximately next week. (also, wow this ended up way longer than I anticipated it to be.)
-trexxa

[Trexxa]

august 5th, 2019 ♥
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I see it's been about a week again. I'm currently in the process of wasting my time so I figured I'd type something up. :T I have off today which is nice. though so does my mom until she has a meeting at 6:30pm tonight, grr. so I'm currently trying to find some way to use my time whilst I wait for her to leave, since she's so nicely put up her own little home office in the living room. -_-

I have a sizeable amount to work the rest of this week. then it gets... eerily silent next week... I'm only scheduled at my favorite place for two days next week, and idk about the place I'm not a fan of. o_o I told my boss I was available all these days for that week, and she looked through the plan and mumbled something about how we were "full on those days..." and she'd take a look at it again later. ???? ok then....

speaking of that place. last wednesday when I was there my boss somehow figured out that I was contemplating quitting. I was in the middle of doing some tasks when she was like "so have you found a place to transfer to yet? unless... you haven't found a place yet because... you're considering quitting. you are considering quitting, aren't you????" I didn't deny or prove anything. well then I was there again on friday at my ridiculously early shift time. when my boss came in she called me over and said "let's take a walk." I was mentally like UH OH. and sure enough, she confronted me. she told me "you need to tell me now. are you transferring, or quitting?" ...and in the spur of the moment I presented my answer.
I'm quitting.

so. yeah. I guess I made up my mind then. I might've just made the dumbest mistake and messed myself up big time financially. especially since I also decided transferring to my favorite place is out of the question. I'd just be wasting too much on fuel and I'd risk hurting my study time. SO YEAH. now as of september I am unemployed. woohoo!!! /not. I applied to one place in my college town though ofc I haven't heard anything yet. -_- I get the feeling any place I apply to down there doesn't take me seriously because of my out-of-state residence. it's so dumb. like, I'm literally going to be living there for the next nine months again. and, if I HAD the money, I WOULD stay there all the time. like sheesh. I feel like they're tossing out my application the moment they read that and I wish I could leave a passive aggressive note on my application saying "please hear me out."

I also applied to an on-campus position. now I know, I know the money working those is terrible. (ofc it's a loooot better than the unemployed status I will otherwise achieve.) I thought it was for an incredibly interesting position though. it was for the printing service on campus, and working there I would handle customer's print orders and payments. I would also be responsible for manipulating any documents they gave me to fit the printer's needs. the job description asked for someone who had taken a graphic design class (check), experience with adobe creative cloud (check), experience with mac, pc, and office equipment (check), register experience (check), microsoft word experience (check), a design portfolio (check!), and experience with printing software (...not a check). I was impressed that I fit almost all those categories though. plus, like? it strikes me as a perfect opportunity to get experience in a field much closer to what I actually want to do with my life? I've been working for almost a year now, though almost all my experience consists of food service. and that is an industry I seriously want out of. this job would be the perfect opportunity for me to break free! plus it'd be a lot of fun to mess around with graphic design and computer software! so I sent in an application and almost immediately got an email back, they want to bring me in for an interview when I get back to campus. yikes!! never had to interview for my other position on campus. hope me not having any experience with printing software doesn't make them throw me out either. I have a lot of good, genuine answers in mind for interview questions though... aaa, I hope I can do this. ;v; the pay might be terrible, and I might be in financial danger for the near future, but this job would definitely lay the path for a much better and brighter distant future.

...other than that. things have been fine I guess. been counting down the days till I go back now. x'D we are currently at 28 days. I'm going back september 2nd. classes begin the 4th, so I have two days to set up my room and get myself ready. oh yeah, and I also did a bit of programming. nothing too hard. I put together this super simple text game which was a lot of fun. ofc now I am yet again struggling to find the time and inspiration to continue my adventures with it... haha... ha. also been drawing some more too (but NOT digitally unfortunately.) really pleased with my traditional art skills though, I put together my visual interpretation of this song entirely without use of references (apart from me looking up the band's logo). there's a second part to this song (with almost a complete opposite tone) that I think I might draw later today. anywho I absolutely flipping love the design I did though, I want to put it on a shirt or something. x'D I might actually make this my new thing and do a ton of visual interpretations of songs cause it was fun!

...I also kind of want to change my username to the name of that song (vermilion). idk, it sounds SO pretty and I've been a huge fan of that song for several months now. y'know what I think I might actually do it lol. I feel bad abandoning the username frostsky then though. the reason I switched from trexxa to that one in the first place is because frostsky was my original username on a game I started playing almost a decade ago. that game shut down this year though, so I took up that username here as a way to sort of preserve the game for myself. ): sigh. I can always switch back at any time though.

I should probably quit typing again. I have a two-week's notice to write (gulp) and then an art piece I want to do. xP also! I switched up my signature and avatar AGAIN today - got oddly inspired to do this one lol. it's of anne from my long-time dearly beloved game, star stable. first time I've done an sso-themed signature, strangely enough, despite my long-running interest in the game. we'll see how long I keep this one...

till next time.
-trexxa

[Trexxa]

august 11th, 2019 ♥
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I have returned again. simply because for some reason I have an insane amount of energy for it nearly being midnight. yay!!! so hopefully typing a long one of these will burn off some of that energy!!! so I can sleep!!! :')

the past week has been so-so I guess... the past couple days have either been really good or really bad with like no inbetween. I haven't really worked at all at the place I handed in my two week's notice at. my favorite place has been going kinda meh... I've gotten myself into a hideous schedule situation... I'm supposed to work there at the exact same time I'm supposed to work the last day at my other job!! I've been desperately trying to pass that shift onto my coworkers, but either they already work that day or can't do it... there's two new people starting next week who I can see about passing it onto... aaaaaa. if I can't pass it on then I'm going to have to talk to my manager. which I really, REALLY would rather not do. the manager and I have not been getting along at all lately. he's been constantly coming over to us and introducing a ginormous list of new ridiculous rules. I don't do good with change. plus the way he speaks to us as if we're stupid really drives me nuts sometimes. this man has legitimately told us that he "is better at this than the rest of us". please stop coming over to insult our capability and our intelligence, dude. and stop with the absurd list of new rules. every time he comes up with another one it just makes me angrier and angrier. probably a good thing I'm finishing up there soon, before I do end up snapping at this guy. don't wanna get myself fired because I can't put up with anymore of his rules.

anywho, besides that drama... I've been getting along swimmingly with my coworkers. I've exchanged personal contact info with both C$ and then st, who started roughly three weeks after I did. I love both of those two to death. ;-; st wants to hang out with me some time yet before I go back and I'm so hyped for that weeee!

I also can't believe it's only about three weeks till I go back now. it felt like time was taking forever to move back at the end of july. but now it honestly feels like the days are flying. time is going so fast and I'm having a difficult time keeping up... in just ten days I need to order my books, and I need to start thinking about texting that infamous question to mh. O_O then I need to go shopping for all the stuff I need, and bam, it's practically move-in day. yikes!!!

I have four days off starting tomorrow. four. ...not sure what on earth I'm going to do those days, lol. thought about seeing if ca wanted to hang out again but then I thought eh. I also wondered if mt wanted to perhaps, y'know, get together again. it appears he's not going to make a move though. >.> in fact, he's been weirdly kinda quiet the past couple days. strange. I was just starting to get used to his company. (my internal thought process: -facedesk- WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO MEEEEE. the moment I start to really care for anyone they get strangely distant!!! the logic side of me: he's probably just been busy. stop jumping to conclusions. the anxiety in me: but remember how this went with mh?? what about even m?? ugh. sometimes I wish I could just turn off my whole brain. I don't wanna think to myself anymore...) seriously though. I think I am actually starting to warm up to him a bit. I'm curious to really get to know him in person and learn more about his life and stuff. I wanna see his farm and his cats that he talks about all the time lol. also when I was at work the other day (we are required to write the names of our customers on their drink cups) this one guy I was serving announced his name was mt and I immediately got the weirdest shivers. like ok self lol I see how it is.

well anywho. tomorrow I really need to sit down and also have a chat with my sister, involving some junk from the 9th (...and as far back as five years before that.) the 9th was just a crazy day of ups and downs in general, the band whose songs I've attached to multiple of these posts now (and now named myself after ig x'D) released their new album and I got up incredibly early to listen to it before work. (it was AWESOME. but I'm not here to gush about that lol.) then work was interesting... I was crazy full of energy after the new album which made me VERY outgoing with customers. this one regular who's a bit of a cranky older lady ended up getting extremely angry at me over a stupid cookie so that was... wonderful /sarcasm. worst customer experience I've had so far. then the day got better again, I went to the fair on my own and it was fun. but then the day ended on a horrible note, as mentioned above some hideous stuff from my past SOMEHOW had to resurface and come back to me. like, why. just why. five years ago was not a bright time in my life. they say there's always that one year in your maturing years that is worse than the rest. well, that year was definitely it for me. we'll just say I got into multiple disputes with my mom and my sister, and that's where things began to crumble between us. that year is the year I developed my social anxiety. I made some dumb choices simply because I became afraid of being judged. and my mom did NOTHING to help me. she just rolled her eyes and rebuked me for the stupid choices I made. it's her lack of support during this fragile time in my life that I guess I've come to blame for my seemingly impossible anxiety issues. anyhow. the subject of one of my dumb choices somehow ended up getting brought up AGAIN by my sister two days ago. I practically feel like I've been thrown back in time and it really sucks. because of work I haven't had a chance to really sit down and talk with her about it. but I'm hoping I get the chance tomorrow. cause I just want to put this stupid subject to rest. I'm tired of hearing about it and I'm tired of it haunting my existence.
(what is the subject, you might wonder? out of my newly developed fear of being criticized, five years ago, I started playing on my sister's account of this certain game which will remain anonymous. let's just say I took it a little overboard and started controlling way too much of the account. my mom found out what I was up to, got mad, and changed the password to keep me out of it. I was crushed inside and when I tried to plead my case to my mom she just flat-out ignored me. I later found out the new password and resumed access to the account (though kept my activity on it extremely low so no one would know about it.) my sister quit playing the game about two years ago when she stopped going on the computer. she's pretty much been just playing phone games since then. I figured she was never coming back so I've continued to dabble in the account every now and then, believing it was now just mine for the taking. well two days ago I went to log onto it to find I couldn't get in. I discovered my sister downloaded the mobile version of the game onto her phone, and decided to change the password. when I asked about it she got all mad and said she "took it back" and she "knew I was using it" and I basically felt like I was slapped straight back into five years ago. this whole thing is so small and petty it's so stupid. crazy how it blew up in the past and is threatening to blow up again. I know I never should've dabbled in it in the first place, it's not mine to step foot in even. I just... ergh. it's so dumb. I don't know what else to say. I'm going to talk with my sister about it tomorrow, till we come up with a permanent compromise. because I am just so done with hearing about this thing.

I think I have said enough. we'll see how the rest of this week goes. ;-; till then.
-trexxa

[Trexxa]

august 15th, 2019 ♥
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I'm back writing one of these things a little earlier than normal but, meh. it's late, I have work in the morning, but unfortunately I'm not tired because I have too many thoughts in my head again. so thus, here I am.
so I've had my several days off this week. ended up working yesterday though, after C$ texted me asking if I would be willing to take one of her shifts so she could have a day off. and me, being the too-nice friend I am (xD) volunteered to take her wednesday shift. that was a weird shift to say the least... I came the closest I ever have to passing out in my life due to personal reasons when dealing with this customer. that feeling was absolutely terrifying. I was sweating yet freezing at the same time, my vision and my hearing both started to go, and all I could imagine was my manager coming back to find me lying out cold on the floor. x_x thankfully I recovered within a few minutes though and got through the rest of my shift just fine. my coworker also told me that apparently there was a tornado on tuesday?? like, what?? apparently a funnel was spotted outside and the emergency sirens started sounding in the store, they had to relocate everyone inside to the tornado shelter and then the employees all had to stay in the manager's windowless office for the next twenty minutes. meanwhile I, fifteen minutes away, was sitting on my couch totally oblivious to all of this. O_O... I said it was a weird day.

I haven't been impressively productive during my days off, lol. I did do one drawing and today I also finished a short story I started... ages ago. I started typing up the story on my computer (all of my writing is done traditionally with a notebook and pencil...) as well, because I think I'm gonna go ahead and publish it. don't expect much from it, it's just some fanfiction for a not very popular game. (um, star stable, to be exact.) eh, idk though, I figure I'm an english major for crying out loud. I claim to be a writer and I've literally got nothing to show for it... apart from the literal stack of fanfics sitting in my drawer... so! I figure I should start putting at least something out there. hey, I should link the story when I publish it to my signature. then y'all can get a glimpse at what I do daily with my sad life, lol. anyway, once I finish typing it up and get a cover worked out for it I'll get ahead and publish it and see what happens. see if I get any views at all...

seventeen days until I head back to college now, gahhhhh. I think next week is when I'm going to send a text over to mh. o_o been thinking about doing it this week but nah, I think it's still a little early... by next week though he can't really be deciding anymore though, he's got to have made a decision by then. I'm nervous to see what he says (if he responds...? yeah anxiety I know he's ninety-nine percent likely to...). leaning towards a no still. him moving out and getting another job just seemed like a big red flag that he's got other, bigger plans for himself now. idk, maybe he changed his mind though...

I also, just really wish sometimes, that I could just get him out of my head. he still crosses my mind, generally at least once, every single day. sometimes I'll be saying something and randomly blurt out one of the stupid sayings he always used to use and then it'll instantly come and smack me in the face. or my sister will bring him up in conversation. or I'll be texting mt and find myself, once again, stupidly comparing the two. I don't even flippin know why mh is so deeply engrained inside me. I barely knew the guy for three months straight before I departed for the summer. nothing even happened between us - the closest thing to something happening being that night. (that one still gets me especially badly.. I'll be reading something or watching a movie and they'll be a scene of two people cuddling like that and it instantly gets me. GRR.) this guy basically just walked into my life and started teasing me and for some reason, I totally fell for it. mh wasn't even really that nice to me, especially after the first month. he wasn't attractive, by my general standards. he had a bad work ethic, less than perfect grades, and a habit of being lazy. and somehow I. totally. fell. for. him. I think I fell for him because I was at a weak point in my life. I just lost a lot of contact with m, the very first person I had who cared for me like that. I was struggling with my anxiety (which I also blame for my issue of being clingy). and him suddenly being there like no guy ever had is what just swept me off my feet. I was such a vulnerable fool. still am if I'm being honest.

I think I really do have a problem. I feel like a lot of my relationships with people are unhealthy. I don't talk to my parents about my problems like I wish I could. instead I turn to others, and because I fear losing them so bad I cling to them so much harder than necessary. I don't think mh could handle it, with his own anxiety issues and all. and I don't blame him. I'm a wreck. :/

which brings me to mt. he's been continuing to talk to me, phew. I'm thankful I have him to talk to (because I like to have people to talk to. I'm literally scared of being alone in the social world after so many years of having no one to talk to.) I'm still not sure how I feel about him. I'm realizing now he's never going to really compare to mh. mh was the first person I really ever loved, and absolutely no one is going to make me feel like that again, unfortunately. but what I've started with mt now feels so pure and right, it's the first actually "normal" relationship I've had so far in my life. I'm curious to learn more about him now. I want to see and talk to him again. if he doesn't make any move to do so within the next couple of days, then I guess I'm just going to have to man up and ask him myself if we can see each other once more before I head back to college. I do think we should take things slow though. I don't want to really become involved in a romance with him, not so long as I still have mh haunting the back of my mind. that just isn't right, not to him, not to me. one day, I'll be able to put him behind me though. and maybe then mt and I will have a chance.

I should really just cut this short and sum this whole thing up right now: my life is a mess.

that's all, thank you and goodnight.
-trexxa

[Trexxa]

the complete story of mh and I's relationship
'cause I've been watching too many storytime videos and I'm hoping this'll help me close this thing, once and for all.

mh consumes a lot of my writing in the journal I've been keeping for the past six months on here. though I kinda never really mentioned how we met or how things started between us. also it's a bit tiring to piece everything together from my million entries, so yeah, here's the full version of it I guess I can link on the front page to.
~
I don't really remember when I first met mh actually. my first real memory of him is that we got off work together at the same time one night... I think it was roughly back in october of 2018. he struck up conversation with me and I remember him being strangely easy to talk to. I still had like no friends at that time and wasn't really great at talking to people, but for some reason, I felt a need to be really open and easy-going with him. I remember telling him all about my piano and stuff and him being really impressed by it. I could've cared less for him at that time though. my relationships with people are a bit odd, I admit. I have a) the people I love more than life itself and would do anything for, and b) ...the rest of the planet that mean virtually nothing to me. I'm a bit of an odd specimen, I know. I've kinda come to accept that I can't really change that though.

anyway, that was my earliest memory of mh. I remember running into him at like, the WORST possible times after that. like, in november I remember I was walking back to my room with my friend (and future roommate) l. I had just started to get closer to her and was in the middle of opening up to her about my still-developing, close, motherly bond with m. when mh just flipping came busting into our conversation by announcing how much he loved my halloween costume. -_- I remember l asking who he was and I still had no clue, in fact I barely made connection that he was the guy from work that one night. then there was the other horrible time he chose to bust into the middle of my conversation... I was in the middle of opening up to m as well when he came over and totally ruined the moment. -_- so at that point he kinda started to get on my nerves!

things really started to finally hit off between us when I was at lunch one day, towards the end of january. I remember grabbing some food from the "hotspot" and he approached me and asked if I was sitting with anyone. ofc my answer was no, so he invited me to sit with him and his friend - n. I figured oh why the heck not and said sure. I remember him sitting beside me as we talked about anime and our majors and stuff - n doing a majority of the talking. mostly I was just thinking about the psychology test I had in a little bit, worrying about being late. I was almost late, in fact, cause my dumb anxiety preventing me from telling them I had to go. >.<

a few days after that day, mh sent me a friend request on facebook. at first glance I had no idea who on earth he was, I thought it was some random dude, but after closer inspection I placed it as being "that guy from work who asked me to sit with him that one time". and well, my rule to adding anyone is that we at least sat and talked once, and since he fit the qualifications, I said yes. and that is really where it all started. only a few minutes went by before he suddenly messaged me, simply asking, "how are you?" I stayed up and talked to him pretty late that night then, just talking about our basic interests some more and so on. I was really quite anxious to talk to him tbh, I'd never really talked to a lot of guys before that... but talking to him just seemed so easy and he seemed so nice, so I just kept the conversation going.

after about a day or two he asked me to hang out for the first time. I was really unsure if I should or not and left him without a response for a bit, to which he then frantically responded by saying I could totally bring along a friend if I was uncomfortable or something. mh always had a habit of reading my mind... even from the start. eventually I decided to say yes to him, and that I would be fine just hanging out one-on-one. our original hang-out date got cancelled as m happened to be changing jobs at that point, and I lost a lot of contact with her after that. so I was going through a bit of a rough patch and didn't really want to deal with anyone at that time.

I think it was a wednesday or something when we finally first agreed to meet up. I had no clue where his dorm was at since I had honestly like never explored the rest of the campus... so he offered we meet up at the dining hall for supper and then I follow him back. I remember we sat at a booth in the back, he was wearing this one red t-shirt he often liked to wear. we started to delve a bit deeper into our personal lives while chatting - talking about where we were from, our lives growing up, our religious beliefs. then we went back to his place, it was raining out slightly and he let me borrow his jacket. it was this really nice-looking leather jacket, which I bought one similar to because I liked it so much lol. he let me play one of his favorite pc games, I remember him being a bit of control-freak and annoyingly operating most of the game for me though. then we sat on his couch and watched some anime. I felt kinda awkward the whole time since I... well... had never hung with anyone, especially not someone of the opposite gender, like that before. I left after a couple hours, and he texted me once I got back to my dorm saying he "had a good time" and hoped that I did as well, and we should do it again. I told him sure, cause why not.

we continued to talk a lot after that. and when I say a lot, I mean a lot. he started to wake me up with these good morning messages and it was the sweetest thing. it would always make me smile to hear my phone go off under my pillow just as I rose for the day, or when I'd steal a quick glance at my phone in my first 9am class and see that message. we started hanging out at least every other day as well. I introduced him to my favorite pc game and we started playing it together. on weekends I'd literally spend like eight hours at his place, and then we'd go to work together that evening too. he started to call me "hun" over text all the time too. he only called me it once in person though, when I was telling him some deeper things about my relationship with my mom. but it hit me so hard and was almost enough to sweep me off my feet. his constant attention made me feel so... special. it warmed my heart so much, and it made me the happiest I'd been in a long time.

that same dynamic went on between us for about an entire month and a half. winter break came and went over that time and we still continued to talk daily even when we were several hours apart. my birthday came and went as well, and though I did nothing for it apart from hang out at mh's place, it still felt awesome, just since I got a chance to spend it with him.

oh yes, and then there was also the whole "that night" thing. it was about mid-February, coincidentally like the day after valentine's day I think, when a snowstorm happened to happen during the time I was at mh's. he approached me and said it was awfully icy outside and he didn't want me to fall on my walk back to my dorm (despite it being like, half a block away from his). it was really sweet of him to care like that though. and he offered that I spend the night at his place. I was. so. FLUSTERED. I'd been wondering a lot to myself as the weeks went by if he happened to be interested in me. sometimes I was convinced, with how he was always there, and with all those cute nicknames he labeled on me. yet other times I questioned it as well, since he never really made a move to ask me out or anything. I was starting to develop a crush on him too, at this point. his numerous sweet gestures that warmed my heart started to give me other feelings as well. so to be asked to spend the NIGHT at his place just absolutely had my dying. and that wasn't even ALL OF IT - he offered to let me SHARE HIS BED WITH HIM. that was probs the closest I've come in my life to fainting from sheer embarrassment. eventually we ended up agreeing that I would spend the night, BUT he would take the couch, and I would take his bed. I didn't sleep well that night, it was too strange of an environment.

I continued to spend two other nights at his place, each of those times within a few days of the first time. except, both these times, I did end up sleeping alongside him. I slept neither of those nights, my anxiety was just taring me apart. the first of those two times I remember it nearing the daylight hours when he happened to randomly wrap his arm around me, and inside my brain I was like, WOOOOOOO THAT JUST HAPPENED. (x'DDDD) he got up shortly after that and I pretended to be asleep (as I'd been doing the whole night...) and I remember distinctly even with my eyes closed I could sense him come stand up beside me before trying to shake me awake (though I was already wide awake, joke's on you sir, lol.) anyway. the second night was the night you'll find me refer to in these entries as "that night". mh got a... lot closer to me, than he did that first time. he held me in his arms for pretty much the entire night, that night. not only that, but he ran his fingers through my hair, and pulled my head close to his chest, and... me and my already crushing self was just. totally. reeling. it was the most magical night of my life, tbh. I was convinced after that night that he had feelings for me. and I convinced myself that I was in love with him, too.

after that night something... changed though. mh never invited me to stay the night again, he made some comment about how he couldn't sleep with me there, it was just too uncomfortable with such a small bed, and it wasn't anything personal. I just shook it off as not being much.

things really started to change though, after his birthday rolled around in mid-march. mh hadn't gotten me a gift for my own birthday, so I decided not to get him anything either to be fair. well when we sat together at supper that evening he cracked some joke about how he guessed he "only had one real friend since she was the only one to buy a gift". and something about that comment... really, and I mean REALLY struck a chord in me. joke or not it left me feeling horrible. as well as extremely jealous. I never figured out who his one gift-giver is, I don't know if it was n, or his other female friend that I grew to despise, or if it was someone else entirely. I felt so bad about the whole ordeal I went and told l about it who got extremely angry, much to my shock. she totally chewed him out and said that if he was being serious he was a complete jerk with serious issues. I started to reconsider my view on mh after that day.

I really wanted to talk about that whole ordeal with him after that, though I for some reason couldn't seem to catch him alone the rest of that week... he was always sitting with random people at mealtime, and he never brought up the usual offer to hang out. I started to be weird and follow him around after that. I was just trying to catch him alone and talk to him about how I felt, though my anxiety prevented me from just blurting it out the first chance I got. :/

we started to hang out less after that day. we still texted near-daily though. although the good morning texts started to die off. but we did keep our tradition of telling each other "goodnight", which lasted roughly till the end of april. he started to call me by my cute nicknames less and less, and he started to joke around with me more, convinced that one day he was going to make me mad. meanwhile... I guess I found his new silence somehow all the more of an allure. I ended up just falling deeper and deeper for him. but the more I chased after him, the more and more closed-off he seemed to grow.

by the beginning of may, our relationship was almost night and day from how it was when we began. the majority of our conversations were pulling jokes at each other. we never seemed to talk seriously anymore, and when it was serious, it was always my doing. in my pursuit to have a wholesome conversation with him I started to follow him around more and more, to the point I got labeled with my new... lovely, nickname, which you might be able to guess. (ugg). we ended up having all our classes together for our final month of school. I'd been desperately hoping something good would happen between us that month. I thought maybe he'd finally come around and he'd see me how I see him. it was foolish of me though.

that month was terrible, tbh. mh started to hang out with tons of the rest of our classmates, and it was then I realized that the way he spoke to them was practically identical to the conversations we were having, if not deeper. I'd... just become one of many of his friends. all his special treatment had long since faded off. it was really upsetting, honestly. I remember listening to this song while laying in my bed, after returning from another tiring class with him, and I just started sobbing. because god I felt like I could relate to it, and it was in that moment I realized our relationship was a lost cause.

I wrote mh a letter over the second half of that month. in that letter I opened up about a lot of stuff I'd been too scared to tell him in person. it detailed about my feelings, and how he'd made me feel so special, and about various fears that plagued my mind. I also became determined to tell him "I love you" in the moment we departed for the summer. I needed to let him know just how much he meant to me. so I did just that. on my very last day of school I packed up all my stuff, and turned in my room key, before I made my way over to his room. I slipped him the letter and told him those three words. all he told me was "see ya". was it ever a dagger to the heart.

mh made me the happiest I'd ever been for a few fleeting moments. he was the first man (who wasn't a fictional character) that I developed feelings for. he was easy to talk to, he and I had so much in common. I hoped we could be something more than just friends. but unfortunately mh didn't see me that way. idk if he ever did. some part of me still thinks he did, maybe at first, and that's why he treated me so special. but for some reason, he suddenly started to pull away, and everything slowly started to crumble between us.

I like to think we were both at fault for our friendship's downfall. I admittingly threw a lot at him. he was the first person I admitted to having social anxiety to. my problems were a very heavy burden that I forced him to carry as well. I know my behavior also tended to be a bit weird. I know I'm extremely clingy. I also get jealous very easy. I'm not necessarily the easiest person to get along with. he also had his fair share of issues. he also struggled with anxiety, among many other things.

I wished he would've just talked with me. we should have had a serious sit-down discussion where we talked about our feelings and so on. if he was never interested in me, he should've just said so. I was overly obvious in my feelings towards him, slightly on-purpose. I would've been sad and maybe even a little angry if he'd turned me down. but at least I would've gotten the necessary closure. instead of me being permanently trapped now in the sense of never knowing for certain.

at the time of writing this, it's only a little over a week till I return to my next year of college. whether or not mh will be there this year is currently still unknown to me. he warned me time and time again last year that he might not be returning, due to financial difficulties and his disinterest in pursuing the degree. any day now, when I can force myself past the anxiety, I'm planning on messaging him again to ask him. I'm guessing he will say he's not returning. but that's alright. having him back would probably do nothing for my mental state.

I'm sorry things had to fall apart between us. I'm not sure why, but this man came into my life, and became my whole world so fast. he wasn't even attractive, or smart, and half his jokes were terrible honestly. but gosh did I ever feel a connection to him. breaks me in two every time I think about how he didn't return those feelings. slowly, I'm starting to recover though. I know I'll never fully put him behind me. he's changed my whole world forever. but piece by piece, I'm starting to move on. and he will always have a special place in my heart.

update, 12/23/19: I recently made the discovery (under really strange and unconnected circumstances) that mh, did, in fact like me in that way in the beginning of our friendship. everything seems to make so much more sense now, and it's one loose end that I can tie up in my life. what I still don't have an answer to though is why he suddenly chose to pull away. I'm wondering if he didn't do so out of his own needs. perhaps, I've been thinking, it didn't have anything to do with my personality at all. perhaps he felt he had too many of his own mental issues to worry about, that he couldn't bear pulling my own as well. regardless... he still should've spoken to me about it. he recognized that I was young and naiive. that I had never been in a real, proper relationship before. he made me the happiest person in the whole world, only to turn around and break me into a million pieces, without bothering to explain himself once. instead he resorted to speaking in riddles, and attempting to explain himself through his actions, rather than words. part of me is relieved to know the truth now, to know that I was right, that I wasn't jumping to conclusions, and that what he felt for me in the beginning was more than just friends. yet the other half is equally as bothered by my new knowledge.

I haven't seen mh in seven months now, hard as it is to believe. I still dream about him from time to time. it's eerie how I can still perfectly picture his face, hear the sound of his voice, in my sleep. I have thought, numerous times, about reaching out to him again. just to ask a simple "how are you", or to press him, and ask him for answers to it all. but then I also deny myself that. I know it's best to leave him buried in my past and never look back. he changed my life so much. some for the good. a lot for the bad. I also firmly believe I'm not finished with him in this life. I feel, no, I know, at some point in time, whether it's next week when he comes to visit the campus, or next decade when we randomly come across one another in the street, we are going to meet again. when that day comes, I don't know what I'll say or do. maybe I'll just start sobbing as I pull him in a hug. maybe I'll start yelling as I call him out for everything he put me through. or, more likely, I'll just tell him hi. whatever happens, I will face that moment when it comes.