CEMETERY CONVERSATIONS
au, buffy the vampire slayer (1997—2003) ━━ character, lauren gardner
word count, 1,803 ━━ date written, 09/01/2021 ━━ content warnings, none
That night was a slow night, which was a change. Most of the time when Lauren was out patrolling, she would have encountered at least half a dozen vampires by now. Yet that night was different — there was an eerie quietness in the air, and Lauren was only an hour into her patrol. The navy sky stretched overhead with only a few stars sparkling; at eight in the evening, the surrounding street lamps were enough to dim a few stars. A slither of a waxing crescent moon hung in the very top, the little surface visible enough to reflect a bit of light.
The late-January atmosphere was a chilling one, and Lauren tugged at her jacket with her free hand — of course, her left hand still had a tight grip on her stake. The thought that they were already a month into 2009 just made Lauren realise just how long she and Emmie had been apart for. So much had happened in those four months — heck, Emmie even had a girlfriend now, and it was Julia, no less. Sure, Lauren was now on good terms with Julia (especially when she was the one to thank for coaxing the two best friends to make up), but it went to show how much can happen in such a short space of time.
It was why Lauren made the executive decision to invite Emmie to join her on patrol. They were best friends… they still are, and after four months, this was their first real opportunity to talk — just them, alone. As Lauren paced around the perimeter of the cemetery, she kept an eye out for any potential movement from the graves. On a night as quiet as this, aside from the occasional car driving past, it was relatively easy to listen out for vampires. Patrols were often boring when as quiet as this, but at least it left Lauren to have some time alone with her thoughts. She had been doing a lot of thinking recently… mainly about a certain someone in particular.
Not long after Lauren and Emmie had their first falling-out, Lauren befriended Alexandria High’s resident queen bee, Ginny Delvaux. It was a confusing time for Lauren — and it still was. She might have been the one to kiss Ginny at her Christmas party, but did she genuinely like her? Being with Ginny felt refreshing and unlike anything else; while she loved Emmie as her best friend, Ginny always seemed to be different. Everything about Ginny was like venturing into uncharted territory, and Lauren couldn’t establish what this was. It was something new — Lauren had never felt like this with a girl. In fact, she had never felt this at all; not even Ethan, the nicest possible guy, and someone Lauren definitely should have fallen for by now. But nothing was there. Not one ounce.
Just thinking about it made her anxiety twist and turn her stomach. It wasn’t that the prospect of potentially being gay repulsed her. Instead, the idea of simply not knowing terrified Lauren. She only realised she specifically had the option to like other girls when Julia accused her of having a crush on Emmie — which, looking back, perhaps there was some truth in that statement. The thought of it never occurred to her before. So with these new discoveries, it spooked Lauren. She just wanted Ginny as a friend, especially when Emmie nor Ethan weren’t talking to her, and she didn’t want to screw anything up with complicated romantic feelings. Though it backfired, and now Ginny wasn’t talking to her.
At least, not until Lauren figured it out — that’s what Ginny told her. Perhaps now Lauren had more of a clue, after a few weeks of being alone and lost in her thoughts. She didn’t want to lose Ginny, and she certainly wanted something more. And that was exactly Lauren’s ulterior motive when she invited Emmie to come and join her. She had to start somewhere, right, so why not tell her best friend? It can’t be that hard to tell your best friend you think you might be the tiniest little bit gay, surely.
Striding down the centre of the cemetery, Lauren immediately snapped back to reality when a silhouette came into her vision up ahead. As far as she could tell, it appeared to be running — but just as she instinctively clutched tighter on her stake, an average-sized blonde girl was revealed by a dim lamp in the graveyard. Just as Lauren was wondering where her friend had got to, Emmie finally arrived.
“Lauren! I—I’m sorry I’m late —” Emmie steadied her pace as she approached Lauren. After regaining her breath, Emmie continued, “I met this really nice girl — ghost — back at school. And we got talking. Oh, wow, I must’ve lost track of time. But she was so nice, Lauren! I wish I could show you… Oh, wow, I didn’t miss anything, did I?”
“It’s fine, honest, I’m just glad you came,” Lauren replied. “It’s been quiet so far, so nothing to miss — hey, walk with me for a bit?”
Emmie nodded enthusiastically. “Of course! Oh, wow, I’m so happy we’re friends again.”
Several minutes of wandering through the cemetery went by, in silence so as to concentrate on the subtle sounds the undead may create. If Lauren could just tell her now, that would be good. How come it was so hard? It wasn’t like she was confessing her love to Emmie. Lauren kept replaying the hypothetical scene in her head: why was it so easy for the idealised version of herself? If it was so easy like her mind kept telling her, why was she getting nauseating anxiety again? It was anything but easy.
Come on, Lauren, you can do this. Now? A beat. Or how about now? Damn it, the time isn’t going to come to you. You’ve got to seize the moment. Lauren squeezed her right hand into a fist, as if attempting to reassure herself. She bit her lip. Seize the moment.
“Hey, Em. There was — another reason why I wanted you to join me tonight,” gulped Lauren, after finally mustering up the courage to speak. She dug the initial hole; there was no dodging out of it now, especially not when Emmie visually perked up to signal she was listening. Coughing a little to clear her throat, she continued, “I just — I wanted to talk to you about — actually, um, could we sit down?” Hopefully, getting off her feet would ease her nerves just a little.
“Oh — oh, yeah. Of course,” Emmie responded after a brief pause. “What is it?”
Once the pair propped themselves up on the stone wall that ran the outline of the cemetery, Lauren was wrong. Her anxieties were still relentlessly churning inside her stomach. But she had to push through this, she was already this far in. “I just wanted to talk to you about something — about me —” Lauren started over from the beginning, the nervousness clear in her voice. Without realising, she found her hands gravitated towards fiddling with her stake in her lap. How was she going to get into this? “Well, um, do you know Ginny? I — uh — she’s in our grade.”
Another pause. Lauren knew Emmie couldn’t help taking longer than others to process information, but it didn’t stop her growing worry. Any silence, even for a split-second, and Lauren’s mind would wander to the worst possible outcome.
“She’s the girl you hang out with over the past few months, right?”
“Right,” Lauren said shortly, nodding along to Emmie’s comment. Her breath was noticeably shaky. “She and I started getting to know each other, and she’d often accompany me on patrols… that sort of thing.” Lauren took another breather, chewing at her bottom lip as she fought through her growing apprehension to continue. “And — and — you know, I — we started hanging out more… and I, um, started thinking about her more.” Just say the word, damn it. Why was it so hard? A single, three-letter word, yet it was so much easier to ramble on about Ginny to procrastinate actually confessing.
“I — what?” Emmie’s question rang through Lauren’s ears; honestly, she should have expected that puzzled look on her friend’s face.
“I mean that, um,” Lauren cleared her throat again, “I think I started to develop feelings —” Yet the look on Emmie’s face was still perplexed, as if she didn’t get it. God, please don’t make me say it. I can’t, I literally cannot. “Like — like… you know, um, with you and J—Julia.”
“Oh… you mean — those feelings?”
“Yeah… those… those feelings, yeah.” Lauren rolled her stake back and forth between her hands; she always had to keep her hands occupied whenever she felt like she was entering moments of sheer panic like this. Holding out for a second, she took a deep inhale before she launched into a quivering ramble, “But I’m just trying to… make sense of it all. I’ve never felt like this with any guy… I would’ve known if I had. It feels so new and different and it’s like, I have all these feelings for her and I, I don’t know what to do with them… A—And when I did, I screwed it all up, and now I don’t think she’s ever going to want anything to do with me… And I don’t know what to do, okay? I don’t want to lose this.”
Emmie didn’t vocalise anything — but there was a mere nod of understanding and sympathy. That was one of the best things about Emmie; she may not always be able to find the words to say, but something as simple as offering your unconditional love and physical presence was often even more effective than words. Lauren thought it was most likely because she frequently found herself in the same position of not being sure on what to say.
“Why don’t we just sit here,” came Emmie’s soft voice, reaching out to Lauren’s hand and squeezing in reassurance, “and deal with this later? We’ll get you that girl… I promise.” A smile tugged on her lips, and Lauren couldn’t help but return the gesture before mouthing “thank you” in reply. Lauren let out a long sigh of relief; at least one weight had been lifted off her chest. The girls sat in silence for several minutes, with Emmie leaning her head into the crook of Lauren’s shoulder. No words could explain the gratitude Lauren felt.
“Em?” Lauren broke the silence, although she didn’t let go of Emmie’s hand.
“What is it?”
“I’m so glad we’re friends again. I’ve missed you so much.”
“So have I.”
xxxx━━━
author’s note, ok now, this... THIS is my peak. i’m never going to top this, ever. i started it wednesday night and didn’t stop until 2am the next morning -- i swear. and the praise i’ve been receiving from this already... it just makes me so proud and i love this so much -- especially when a lot of this was drawn from my own personal experiences. 🥺💓 i also drew inspiration from alex’s coming out scene in supergirl (2x06), because i could really vividly see lauren struggling to say the word specifically... and just, that whole scene was beautiful and painfully realistic. i love it so much. i also realised how bad it sounds out of context -- my girlfriend’s oc emmie is not unfit, she’s just asthmatic.