☾ 雨 天 ☽

[Gladis]

It is hard to "be yourself" when we are all forced to fit the same impossible mold.
But the girls around me never fail to amaze me.
They wield a secret power, that makes them resilient to heartbreak & shattered dreams.
They have nurtured me & protected me from the world with their power.
& now, I am stronger than ever.

[Gladis]

He used to tear me down with excuses like
"you cannot survive alone when you are just a fox among a pack of wolves."
He tried to hide me from the world by telling me that the world did not want me.
"No other wolf would love a fox."
"No one else would love you."
He had the hearts of other foxes spun around his index finger with the same lies.
Power within his lies.

Oh but haven't you heard?
I am no longer the fox that cannot hunt.

[Gladis]

[Gladis]

I was looking back at my vent journal from 2016. It's interesting how my vents started out as external conflicts, like heartbreak, & slowly progressed to uncontrollable internal conflicts. At the time, everything seemed impossible. How was I going to get over this & how I am going to pass school? On the topic of that my IB test scores are coming out tomorrow apojfdsfsaflfa PRAY FOR ME But yeah, everything was kinda awful 0.05/10 would not recommend experiencing that ever again.

I found the awful flash drive again & I watched it for the millionth time. I'm not sure if I ever mentioned it before (I barely reread my old posts on here tbh. It's just a bunch of word vomit & I give myself a stroke every time I try to read my writing AHAHA) but when I got that flash drive I literally would watch it for 3+ hours in a row before locking myself in my room to cry. The thought that constantly ran through my head as I watched myself through the computer screen was "EW. I'm THAT. THAT'S the body I'm forced to live in." I started to doubt everything. Did my friends cringe secretly every time they saw my face? The biggest question that hung over my head was "what did Alex even see in me?" But looking back at it now, I really wasn't some moon faced gremlin like I thought I was (OKAY I MIGHT BE A MOON FACED GREMLIN 99% OF THE TIME BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT OADFJKASF) Like not to flex (jk I'm totally flexing rn) but I was a pretty cute moon faced gremlin aight. Being sad for so long over something as insignificant as that was a waste of energy. But I guess it proves that my perception was pretty WARPED back then.

A few months ago, I asked Alex why he liked me, & why he still liked me after a year had passed.
"Hm. I don't know. Lol."
So much for closure.
"I think you're pretty fun to talk to? Plus you're hot thanks Alex."

So I guess that's it. I can't blame my face for every bad thing that happens & I can't credit my face for everything good that happens. When old classmates & teachers see me, they usually greet me with the classic "oh! I remember you! You were the one that said/did (insert stupid thing here)". For example:


Teacher: "I remember you were that kid who said you were only in school because you weren't Beyonce."

Teacher: "Once you had to do 2 truths 1 lie & you wrote "1. I'm Asian 2. I have black hair 3. I love the IB program & I think it is easy & fun & I have my EE finished & ready to submit"

Classmate: "I remember when you Naruto ran through the hallways & tried to wall jump for no reason."

???? Some random kid I don't remember: "you always wore Crocs to parties because people would flame you & then you'd have something to talk about hehehe." Yeah I do that I'm sorry guys




So yeah, that's pretty cool. I've def matured a lot. When "Prince Charming" came into my life & broke my heart when he decided that I wasn't "good enough" for him because he had 23904329432 other girls in line (he had lied to them the same way he lied to me so uhhhHHHHhh that was great) it broke me. I thought love was solely based on physical attraction since it was what he based me on. But I know it's a lot more than that now.

[Gladis]

I got all 4 wisdom teeth removed a few days ago & my cheeks swelled like crazy. Though chubby cheeks & a square face are definitely cute features, they did not fit me. I remember laying in bed with hot packs pressed to my face thinking I will never complain about my face shape ever again. It's similar to the scenario where I chopped all my hair off & thought, why did I hate my long hair so much again???? Anyways, I woke up today & my face was significantly less swollen today (still swollen, but I'm no longer a lego head) & the first thought that came to my head was zayummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm girl you look GOOD. Today was a pretty good day, 9/10. Coulda been a bit better if I wasn't an UTTER fool but yaknow, it's like that sometimes.

I've been looking back at old photos a lot now. Mostly because I don't have that awful self-hating feeling hanging around all the time now. It makes me wonder why I doubted myself so much back then.

It starts out with that inner critic. We all have them, some are louder than others. My inner critic would always say something stupid like "you'll never be good enough." Every good thing I come across in life has always been slammed down by petty excuses my inner critic would make. Sadly, I believed my inner critic. But when that voice is extremely loud & obnoxious, it's hard not to believe it. My standards were EXTREMELY high for myself back then. & even when I achieved what I wanted, I still wasn't happy. I don't know why, but I was very focused on my looks. It's probably because I had a pretty weird mindset back then (not to mention I was pretty problematic back then). At first, I wanted features that were pretty easy to acquire, like long hair & nice (fake) brows. But then the inner critic grew & had no chill & was like:
"bruh why are you the only one here with a low nose bridge???"
"Having a big nose means you're not pretty :////"
They were pretty irrational thoughts, but I believed them regardless. It brought me down a LOTTTTTT. Like 80% of my old writing on here is basically about how I hate myself. As funny as it sounds, there were days when I saw my reflection in the mirror & I hated it so much I deadass tried to fight my own reflection fkjdhsknhKJFHSAKJFHASDFHAJS. But yeah it was probably weird for other people cuz they would be like "????? Dude you look great" as I tried to sledgehammer a mirror. But eventually, I learned how to leave the inner critic once I realized that it was all lies. It felt kinda great, like when I found out what my ex was REALLY like (long story short he was like "blah blah blah it's not illegal to play with someone's feelings so what's the big deal ahahehehehe") & leave them for good.

In the end: I wanted to be someone else so much that I forgot who I was. Cutting my hair was an eye-opening experience because I was able to look back at the person I was through a different perspective. I'd say I suffered like that because I was a moody teen but I was also studying 5 hours a day & living on 4 hours of sleep sO THAT COULD BE A REASON. But I feel like I've grown up a lot (well, I sure hope I did). I'm no longer an insecure 16-year-old who let her appearance limit her on what she could do. Sorry there has been a lot of useless rambling recently & a lot less writing but I just felt like writing down whatever was on my mind.

[Gladis]

He asked me if I was in love with him as we laid on the rooftop at night.
I told him I wasn't sure.
He asked me why as we laid on the rooftop at night.

"Because right now, I'm facing a fork in the road.
& you are a mysterious path.
I know that it will be challenging to take it,
& I don't know where it will lead to.
But for some reason, I want to take it,
because adventure is calling me.
But if you give me some kind of assurance,
I promise I will take it.
Because a part of me wants to grow with you."

[Gladis]

To him, I was a gold necklace.
The one he shows off to make his friends jealous.
But one day, he got tired of wearing me.
Discarded me & found better jewelry to wear.
For a while, I forgot my own worth.
But I soon realized
that I was much more than my body.
I was gold, inside & out.
& when he crawled back to me & begged for my mercy,
I cupped his face & whispered
"You should've loved this beautiful heart of mine instead.
Because I am not your trophy girl."

[Gladis]

The honey-drop sparkle in his eyes meant new beginnings. I looked harder into his eyes. This will never go anywhere, I know it. But strangely enough, I felt nothing sentimental. Something was different this time.

New Beginnings. Because it's never too late to start over again. I don't have to wait for the world to reset itself.

& I thought, wow this could really go somewhere.


- Old writing from 2017

[Gladis]

I almost lost myself again, woah.
It's hard to like myself when I don't even want to be me, to begin with.
But,
I still want to make people laugh.
I still want to be the girl with the hyper personality,
always yelling & cracking stupid jokes.
I still want to be that girl who wears Crocs to every party as a joke.
LV Supreme merch & bucket hats.

To be honest,
I don't want to be anybody else.
I'm alright with being me.

[Gladis]

He told me he was going to find someone else.
Prettier. Funnier. Better.
& he was going to make me regret. He was going to make me so jealous.

& I told him
"of course you will. But it won't be me."