☾ 雨 天 ☽

[Gladis]

Vivid gold eventually wear off,
exposing the bare fleshy layers of daisy petals.
Everything is temporary,
& she learned how to love it.

Temporary,
like the buzz of the night.
Temporary,
like the happiness she'd sometimes feel.
Temporary,
like his love.

She thought his love would last.
But the only thing that did was the pain.
She hated him for what he did to her,
but the shadow of him eventually became a big part of her,
even though he was absent for so many years.
At times, they'd run into each other & their eyes would meet.
A brief flash of recognition would run through the both of them before they'd turn the opposite direction.

The flower boy would still try to earn himself a second chance with empty I'm sorry's & fake promises to change.
But the girl he tricked did not exist anymore. She saw his paint tainted fingers.
She put out the dying embers of their once burning passion.
Sometimes, temporary is better.

[Gladis]

He saw her as fiery orange.
The light that glowed brighter than his passion.
But as he looked deeper into her,
he saw that her color was not orange,
yet a dull grey.
Stripped of color. Bland. Emptiness.
Like the smoke that curled around her.
Ashy embers of her heart.

[Gladis]

There's a box of pictures that I stored away a long time ago. I admit, seeing your goofy smile, messy hair, & imperfections used to always send me into a downward spiral of self-hate. I was once her. I was once HER. I wasn't very kind to you. I was horrible to you. I erased every memory I had of you. Denied your existence. I spent a month deleting every picture of you. I snuck on my parent's phones, the computer, everything.
But looking at it today, I didn't feel sad. Or angry. For once, I found your messy makeup, acne, & wide smile very, very cute. You are, what? 13? 14? I can't expect you to be perfect. I can't be angry at you for being a normal kid, still trying to fit in.

You are very strong. I always tore you down for unknowingly picking up bad traits from your toxic family, but I know you always had good intentions. Life was extremely hard for you back then, I understand. You never cried in front of anyone, but you were terribly afraid of your home. You didn't tell anyone, but you were always running away from home because nothing scared you more than your angry mother, & your mother was always angry at you for simply existing. It's hard to love yourself when the world tore you down. You had a big heart. There was a girl who would knock your books off your desk everyday & laugh with her friends as you struggled to pick it up. You decided to forgive her, even though she never apologized. It felt like the whole world was against you, & you blamed yourself for everything.

The reason I found it so hard to forgive you is because I never moved on. I lived every day in the past, & I hurt a lot of people simply from my own toxic blindness. But life will eventually get better, I promise. The hardest part is putting yourself back together after you were absolutely shattered.

You're still young, & you don't have to be perfect. I love you. Thank you for staying so strong.

[Gladis]

I have been collecting love confessions since the day I got here.
Don't be so cold. Give me a chance. I gave everyone a chance, because everyone had a different story to tell.
Coffee with the wise.
I let moonlight boy hold my hand as we ate ramen in a small restaurant.
I let flower boy kiss my tears away.
Endless nights out. Dinner. Parties.
A date. Nothing more. I can't let you get closer than this. It's a dangerous game.
Maybe I'm hard to get. Maybe I can't settle.
But I've fallen to the trap of temporary interest disguised as fake love.
It’s easy to like me for my physical attributes, I can believe that. But I'm much more than my body.
I am no longer the naive girl who believed in empty compliments.

Independence. I like that word. I'm okay on my own.
I don't need anyone to love myself.

[Gladis]

I'm sad by nature.
I am life's fool, constantly searching for something to fill my empty heart.
But it'll be okay.
Drop by drop, this emptiness will slowly fade.
Patience.
Even if I have to wait for eternity,
I'll walk the line with a smile.

[Gladis]

I'll never be her.
Is something I have said too much.
I love you, but she's on my mind. In other words,
you'll never be her. Not uncommon. A stupid excuse to use me.
Okay? Okay. Am I supposed to feel sad?
Mourn over what I never wanted in the first place?
You're right. I can't be anybody else, because I am fire.
I can light your candle heart & your stupid cigarettes.
But do not try to condemn me with your wax filled jars.
Do not try to condemn me.
Remember me,
because the next time you'll see me is when I set the world ablaze.

[Gladis]

... I love my big nose!!!
It took me a while to accept it but I'm truly okay with the way I am now :''')

[Gladis]

Am I doing this for my own happiness or is this just another lame attempt to fill the emptiness inside of me?

[Gladis]

We met freshmen year of high school.
My hair was pixie short & ugly. I had cut it myself in an act of young rebellion, only to suffer with a messy hairstyle for the next few months.
I was afraid he'd mock me,
laugh at me behind my back with his friends.
Who does she think she is? She's a nobody. Loser.
But instead he laughed at my jokes & called my name every time he'd encounter something funny.

We met again at a graduation party.
I don't think I've properly introduced myself. Hi.
My hair was pixie short again. Neater this time, but I was still insecure. No makeup, messy overalls paired with a white shirt.
We laughed all night. It was just like 9th grade, all over again.
Though we were both different, I still feared that he'd look down on me.

The atmosphere was different that night. I awkwardly stuttered as I ran out of the house empty-handed.
Fake laughs, dry jokes. We never had a connection. Maybe we once did, but it was gone now.
My mind wandered back to the day we met as his fingers traced my skin.
He was so so so so popular, why me?
But I felt nothing as I stared at his freckled cheeks & green eyes. He had nothing to offer.
These days I just give parts of myself away like disposable pamphlets.
Why should I demand them to respect me when I can't even respect myself?

I left on an awkward note. But I felt my heart soften as I strolled under the coral sunrise.
I no longer felt sad, or afraid.
The only person that looked down on me all these years was myself.

[Gladis]

I am a fool for letting you trick me into believing that our friendship was genuine.
Our endless platonic dates was what led me to trust you when you slithered back into my life.
You were the calculating fox & I was the naive rabbit.
You spoon fed me lies just so you can devour me later.
Our friendship, filled with endless laughs & childish jokes, was just something to mask your selfish desire.
You disposed of me after the mask came off.
I am a fool.
I am a fool.
Your silence stings like a hundred knives.
Not even a single “I’m sorry”.
But even so, I don’t expect anything from you. I’ll take this as a lesson to be less naive.
I won’t cry, because you’re not worth crying over.
I am a fool, but I will learn.