Clueless

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Clueless

Postby inspiration. » Mon Nov 14, 2016 8:31 pm

My soul is bitten by the breath of the sea. I can feel my body sink into the sand as I shiver. The sound of the crashing waves fighting with the rocks is soothing after a long day. The sea creeps up the wet, mushy sand and rakes in a couple of pretty shells; as they desperately try to wrestle back their freedom I can hear them scraping against one another. Everything beautiful in this world is either destroyed or taken. Perhaps the sea wants the spotlight for a change- so maybe then people will appreciate its glimmering sheets of blue. Looking far out into the distance, the seagulls above me squawk, trying to capture my attention- but my mind is lost somewhere in between the calming strips of oranges, yellows and indigos setting in the sky. A petite but fancy shell is lying helplessly beside me, engraved into the sand. I feel my fingers dig it out and I grasp it tightly in the palm of my hand. The silhouette of the sun reflects onto the water, and right here, in this moment, I am safe. Safe in the walls of my mind- blocking out all these judgemental people- blocking out the world.
***
My eyes slowly flicker open, like a TV trying to catch a signal, and for a few seconds I can feel the world spin. My senses begin to flow back as my leg twitches, and a harsh, salty odour invades my nostrils as I sit up and splutter. Salty water is dripping down from my mouth and it falls and dissolves into the thirsty sand; covering up any evidence of a human being here. I wearily peer around me, and for once, the buzz of the city is asleep. My head attracts my hand like a magnet and i find myself on my knees, hunching over and coughing onto the sand. I feel my ripped jeans and then realise my whole body is wet. A shiver races down my spine, faster than a horse speeding down a dusty, abandoned track. I grasp my balance and hesitantly arise. I dust off the grains of sand sown into my clothes and take a better look around. The tide is now sleeping in the distance, and i can no longer admire the reflection of the sun mirrored onto the water; the sky is dull and lifeless. As I breathe in the crisp morning air, my long, wavy hair lies undisturbed by my shoulders, in a tangled mess. As I take a step forwards the sand crunches beside my feet, and the miserable wind instantly tries pushing me back. The view ahead is misty and mysterious, but there doesn't seem to be anything ahead. Just cloudy skies and a quiet sea. I must have drifted off to sleep the night before. I pull myself together and I pad over the sand, forcing one foot in front of the other, clueless.
***
It feels like I've been walking for hours. The city is slowly but surely coming back to life. A fragment of the sun can be seen blazing through the fluffy clouds now... I'm beginning to wonder what time it is. The foggy orange hue around me looks gorgeous. All this time I've been oblivious to the sights of the early mornings and late nights. Crunch. Something is behind me. I can feel my whole body freeze and my lungs tighten, but somehow I'm still moving. Walking. Running. But the thing behind me is.now running too. It's after me. They're after me- I glace behind me sharply and discover a hooded man. Middle aged, black clothing. That's all I can pick up from one glance. I'm now round the corner from my house, surely I can get away? No. I can't. My sister is the only family I have and she's asleep. I can't put her in danger like that. The adrenalin pumping in my body is slicing my organs like a lazer. Everything hurts- but I can't slow down. A few people turn heads my way but then look away, pretending they never saw.
***
Where am i? How long have i been here? One hour? Two hours? Three? As clueless as I am, my body aches. I'm in pain. I feel a soft tickle down my leg and realise i'm bleeding; my knee is cut. Am I hallucinating? But then I remember. It's all coming back to me now. My heart pulses as quick as a flash with even the thought of it. He grabbed my hand, pulled me down, took my words right from my mouth. My life is flashing before my eyes. I'm being held hostage.
***
I feel so weak. I've been here approximately twenty-four hours and still no visit. The moon is shining in the sky; as bright as a fresh pebble from the lakes of the mountains. My hope is rising like a bath being filled with water, and suddenly an idea strikes me. A miracle. Just a tiny glimmer of light can open up a whole new story. That tiny window in the corner of the dark, dark room. My survival instincts possess my body and I feel the sharp throb of my fist breaking through the glazed window. Twice. It smashes and all of a sudden a baby butterfly escapes from my stomach. Hope. I don't have much time. Before I am able to think of a plan, I am clambering out of it, and because i'm so small, I managed to get through. I run. It doesn't matter where to, just as far from here as possible.
***
I awaken in a strong scented room. Candles. Soup. Home. I don't know how or why, but I am home. My sister is beside me. Everything is okay. Despite my head hurting, I sit up and feel a note in my hand. Someone saved me. I remember a gunshot. Then someone picking me up. An old man. I open up the note and scan it.

Dear child,

'You have so much to live for. All you need to know is that you are safe. One day, you will find yourself in a risky situation. Promise me this- I want you to do what I did, and help someone out, pass on the good will.'

Questions begin to pop up into my head. Who is this man? What did he do? My sister must see my confused face and she squeaks,
"He gave you his heart, or you wouldn't have lived."
***
So now here I am, right back where I started, watching the sea jump up playfully like a lost puppy. A tear trickles down my face. I suppose I really, truly am, clueless. Clueless of what is yet to come in my life. Clueless.
***
***
So i worked about 4 days on this story o_o I kinda made it up as i went along because i wanted to write something with a beach setting. Anyways, hope you like it. <3 Any feedback is appreciated.


I wrote this story up on Writer's haven.
Last edited by inspiration. on Sun Mar 25, 2018 3:14 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Clueless

Postby inspiration. » Mon Jan 02, 2017 11:32 pm

Any criticism or opinions are greatly appreciated! c:
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and write. I gift people
a lot! ^w^
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Re: Clueless

Postby The Worst Username » Mon Apr 03, 2017 12:04 pm

Hello, I have some critique!

    First off, this was overall a pretty good piece. The descriptions were nice in places, and I liked the overall premise, especially how it ties back to the ocean and the MC's cluelessness.

    I do have some criticisms, though:

      -While you're skilled with description, you have to be careful to not let it drown out your plot. There was so much description in comparison to the action that it bogged down the story.

      -The story drags at points, mostly during the descriptions. If you could segment the pieces of description into multiple paragraphs as well as cutting down on it, the story would improve a lot. The metaphors also slowed down the action scenes, so watch out for those.

      -A lot of the action seems a bit rushed, and the different scenes seem almost disjointed. All of your focus was poured into describing the beach, with little left over for the most important parts of the story--the parts where your protagonist is kidnapped.
    In short, this is a good story overall, but your focus on description drowns out the plot. Have a great day!
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Re: Clueless

Postby inspiration. » Mon Apr 03, 2017 8:18 pm

The Worst Username wrote:Hello, I have some critique!

    First off, this was overall a pretty good piece. The descriptions were nice in places, and I liked the overall premise, especially how it ties back to the ocean and the MC's cluelessness.

    I do have some criticisms, though:

      -While you're skilled with description, you have to be careful to not let it drown out your plot. There was so much description in comparison to the action that it bogged down the story.

      -The story drags at points, mostly during the descriptions. If you could segment the pieces of description into multiple paragraphs as well as cutting down on it, the story would improve a lot. The metaphors also slowed down the action scenes, so watch out for those.

      -A lot of the action seems a bit rushed, and the different scenes seem almost disjointed. All of your focus was poured into describing the beach, with little left over for the most important parts of the story--the parts where your protagonist is kidnapped.
    In short, this is a good story overall, but your focus on description drowns out the plot. Have a great day!


Thank you, i will take this into consideration while writing next time! c:
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xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hello, i'm Bella!
I love Hamilton,Heathers,
DEH and just musicals
in general! I love to read
and write. I gift people
a lot! ^w^
writing |trades | my auction

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
User avatar
inspiration.
 
Posts: 9886
Joined: Sat Aug 09, 2014 6:54 am
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