Painful Regrets

[~*Malec*~]

How had it come to this?
Watching the bloodied needle as it spread the pain around my skin. I just felt like I couldn't take it anymore. Were they all like this? Was the whole world full of unforgiving jerks who could have cared less about how sorry you felt for saying something wrong without knowing? I wasn't sure anymore. And people wondered why I had stopped talking with the rest of humanity, stopped trusting. So why is it that I am sitting here, watching as the rain hits my window and the pavement, with a sewing needle in my hand and my arms colored Scarlett? Why was I sitting here crying and regretting it all? Regretting that I ever made people hurt me? Was I doing it for them? Taking their guilt, sorriness, and regret and putting it all on myself? What was it accomplishing? It hurt so much sometimes , worse than any knife someone could throw at me. Sometimes j wanted it to end. My mother opened the door and came in. All to just sit with me, worried and heartbroken, as I say crying in her arms. And all I could say was " I'm sorry" over and over again until it felt like I was apologizing for the whole world, like it was my job. I let the scarlett drops scab over on my hands and set the needle down. It was time to go to bed. Maybe then I could get rid of it and just sleep. But sleep scared me because I knew I would have to wake up and go to school. And have people ignore me when I want them to see me calling for help.I pack the needle in my backpack and go to bed. Tomorrow would be rhw same routine, get up and GI to school and listen to people talk about me behind my back, while I take my needle from my pocket and reopen those scarlett drops, in front of everyone, hoping I wasn't entirely invisible.

[~*Malec*~]

I regret not telling him my feelings. Graduation was supposed to be a magical time of night, the dance to come after a night to remember with drunken ecstasies and the feeling of never being let go as you danced across the floor.
I was never one to enjoy dances. They seemed boring, stupid and something out of my reach. When my night came I couldn't help but stand alone with the discarded shoes and the jackets as well as some phones as I waited for my boyfriend to walk through those doors and see me. I kept thinking to myself this spot is perfect for me. A discarded price to a dance that doesn't belong. and when my boyfriend passed me, that thought couldn't have armed more true than the fact that my thumb was a finger but my fingers weren't thumbs. So I was the one to go after him. I enjoyed staying in the dark corner, laughing and smiling. I tried to get him to dance. I tried to feel close to him. But it was hard when everyone kept coming over. Trying to pressure him into dancing when I was already close. I never talked to my boyfriend after that. I danced alone outside, in the cold. The lace dress I was wearing brought in the wind from the night, causing me to shake. It was the only thing I got lost in until my friend came over and grabbed me, wanting me to dance. I wanted only to dance with was him, my supposed to be my date. I went home upset. I looked like something solid to him, while everyone saw me as transparent. I remembered I wanted nothing more than to kiss him, but that was when we were sugar high and hormonal. Now we were nothing but two kids hanging in a corner. I listened to fitting songs and cried but I couldn't help but think it was my fault for not speaking. I regret it deeply.