The Ugly Princess(es)

[Roonil Wazlib]

Hello CS
So I've decided to post my story, The Ugly Princess(es)
I don't know how long it will end up to be- it depends if people like it.
So please comment if you like
(c) me, don't steal

TABLE OF CONTENTS:
1st part: You are here!
2nd part
3rd part

Here's the first part:

~

Liri was born ugly. As soon as her mother saw her, the nursemaid was called to take her away. The Queen eventually had another daughter, Lyssa, who wasn’t even comparable to Liri beauty-wise. Lyssa had bright blue eyes and shiny waist length chesnut hair. Liri had a big nose and tangled, bushy hair with an unidentified dark color- it was somewhere between blackish-brown and blonde. Lyssa had everything. Liri, however, had something Lyssa didn’t- big feet.
I never said it was a good thing.
Another thing Liri had was a bitter heart. Having your parents hate you will do that to a person.
Lyssa wasn’t much better- she was greedy and spoiled. Both of the princesses were unattractive, but only Liri was avoided.
The majority of the kingdom didn’t even know Liri existed, but Lyssa was well known for her beauty (“Inherited from me, of course.” Queen Marigold told anyone who would listen). Although her attitude was unattractive, she knew how to be charming when needed. The king and queen were swamped with marriage offers for Lyssa. Everyday, yet another suitor would be at the castle trying to charm the fickle princess. And everyday, he was rejected in favor of a richer and more charming one.
Liri watched all these happenings with amusement. Sometimes, there would be fights between the suitors- only for both of them to be rejected. Most of the suitors thought Liri was a castle servant (It wasn’t her fault she was forced to wear less than desirable clothes). A few of them had even asked her for drink refills at the dinner table.
To avoid that, her parents had her eat in the kitchen whenever a suitor was there- which was basically every day.

[LianaAlma]

I find the idea and beginning of the story really intriguing, but you really need to work on your grammar and a little of the story flow. Will you give a little more background, or tales of how the two grew up? Like what schools they went to, what friends they made (if any), and a little bit on the parents and the kingdom. It will greatly add to the story if you flesh it and the characters out a bit.

I think this has great potential, so work on it and I'll critique each of your posts for you.

[Roonil Wazlib]

Thank you :D
I will give more background as the story moves on, this is just the intro.

[LianaAlma]

Good to know. :3

When will you be updating?

[DoctorWhoCrazy]

This is w brilliant story. Maybe you should describe their different life styles, but as you said, this is only the beginning.

[Roonil Wazlib]

Good to know. :3

When will you be updating?

Either tonight or tomorrow morning :)

This is w brilliant story. Maybe you should describe their different life styles, but as you said, this is only the beginning.

Thank you <3

[Roonil Wazlib]

L I R I

On one of these such days, Liri was sitting in the kitchen talking to the head housekeeper, Bertha.
"It's not fair." she whined. "Lyssa gets everything. I want something." She pushed her oatmeal around the wooden bowl. "I'm forced to eat with the servants when I should already be married and living in a palace. Anywhere but this dump."
Bertha didn't say anything. The sort of-princess (That was Liri's official title. The 'sort of-princess') was in one of her moods. She was in one of her moods most of the time, actually.
Liri stood up. "I'm not hungry." she said, and picked up her bowl. She covered it with a towel, so she could eat it later. Sometimes her parents forgot to send food down to her.
She went up the stairs to her tower room grumbling.

L Y S S A

Lyssa sat eating her pork daintily as Sir Robert of Treedale boasted of his accomplishments. "Oh yes, I also won the Golden Sword- you know, the one they give to a worthy knight each year. That was no trouble, I'm telling you. The other knight, he couldn't even handle his sword properly..."
Lyssa smiled and nodded, like she knew she should. Inside her mind, however, she was picking out every single little flaw she could find. His voice was just a little tiny bit too loud. That lock of hair was out of place. Everyone knew that those pointed shoes were so last year!
Her parents turned to her, smiling. "So, dear, what do you think?"
"Send him out!" she said in a commanding voice. "Find a better one!"
Sir Robert's fake smile slipped off of his face like butter. "But Princess, I've accomplished more than the average knight- my estate is worth..."
"GUARDS!" she hollered. "GET HIM OUT OF HERE!" As the guards carried Sir Robert out, she turned to her mother. "I need a new dress."

[DoctorWhoCrazy]

Bump

[Psixi]

Amazing! I love your style of writing. I rarely see that style, but when I do, it's a nice treat. (: Keep it up!

[Roonil Wazlib]

Amazing! I love your style of writing. I rarely see that style, but when I do, it's a nice treat. (: Keep it up!

Thank you so much! :D