The Test. Please Read, Posting welcome

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The Test. Please Read, Posting welcome

Postby hazelnut » Fri Sep 07, 2012 9:27 pm

Um So yeah, I'm new to writing stories and really want some proper (and harsh) criticism. Depending on interest I'll see how far I get with this. Yeah I know the Prologue is kind of odd, I might have just used something I had to write for school.
Guess I should put a warning in, There is Violence and Death.

Image

Index-
X Prologue
X Chapter One
X Chapter Two
X Chapter Three
X Chapter Four
X Chapter Five
X Chapter Six
X Chapter Seven

Image

A shrill bell awakes me. My hands involuntarily clasp my ears against it’s piercing noise, but they are useless to stop the pain it creates.
This is the fiftieth bell. It is just like everyone before it, positioned exactly one hour after the last. Just like everyone before it it will last a full three minutes. After, I’ll get a headache that stay around for who knows how long. Then, if I’m lucky, I might get some sleep. For a little while at least. Why am I here? I didn’t pass the test.
The test is designed to find the best of civilisation. Those who don’t pass are sent here to The Facility.

The year was 3621 and the world was overcrowded. Famine, disease and poverty were seemingly unavoidable epidemics. In an attempt to control the problem, birth of children was monitored. The rule of one child per couple was introduced. At first people were eager to do their patriotic part to save the world, but it wasn’t long before the rules were broken and the problem returned.
Instead the P.C.D (Population Control Department) came up with a new plan. They would allow parents to have more children on the condition each child passed a test on their twelfth birthday. The test covered many areas, from genetic potential to basic education to skills learnt during life. If you passed they returned you to your family and you lived happily ever after, but now they had a new problem. What to do with those who didn’t pass?

Launched only a year later, this place is their solution. After it was determined ‘unethical’ to simply kill every child who failed, they established The Facility. Here at The Facility children are tortured in various ways until they are either utterly mad or begging for death. At this point our torturers find it ethical to kill us.
My particular torture consists on being stuck in a pitch black room with zero sleep and bells that hurt my ears. So far I’m holding out, but I’ll admit the thought of just giving in has passed through my mind.

The test soon became what haunts childrens dreams. Years before a childs twelfth birthday the test is the subject of all thoughts. It inspires fear, paranoia, nightmares and sleepless nights. The test is a cruel evil everyone is forced to take.

I try to remember who I am and recall memories of my past, anything to keep me sane. Like most who fail the test I come from a poorer area of the country. Though the population problem has decreased substantially, food is still scarce and very high priced. The richer children have time to learn and practice the skills needed to pass the test, but we poorer children don’t have such luxuries. We spend our time hunting and gathering enough food to stay alive. Because of this those of us who are lucky enough to make it to the age of the test often don’t even know how to read and/or write, let alone have some amazing skill. We struggle to stay alive each day, there’s no time to prepare for the test.

The ringing finally stops but the headache it brings on makes me want to beg for it to begin again.
I honestly didn’t think the Facility would be this bad. Of course I have heard the rumours of what happens here my whole life, but they all varied. The only definite information anyone had was it was a place where they brought failed children and those children never left. That none specific information left a lot of room for imagination, but it was horrifying just how close the stories, that were designed to scare children, were to the truth.

Salty tears roll into my open mouth as a anguished groan escapes me. The darkness swallows me as my exhausted brain ignores the pain and commands me into unconsciousness. Even while I slept I knew this small escape wouldn’t last long. Soon the bell would ring again to call me back to the waking world. Then again and again the cycle will repeat like clockwork. When will this stop? Will this torture ever end? Or will this pee-soaked floor become my final resting place?
Last edited by hazelnut on Mon Oct 22, 2012 11:48 am, edited 12 times in total.
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Re: The Test. Please Read!

Postby hazelnut » Fri Sep 07, 2012 10:36 pm

Index-
X Prologue
X Chapter One
X Chapter Two
X Chapter Three
X Chapter Four
X Chapter Five
X Chapter Six
X Chapter Seven


Image

Maria

I fingered nervously with the chain of the handcuff that imprisoned me to the desk. It looked so out of place tightened on my somewhat delicate wrist, so wrong. Studying it closer I noticed the rust coloured marks that rimmed the edge and gained some confidence. Perhaps the handcuff was weak, I might be able to break it.
Then I flinched and tried to pull my hand away as I realised the true identity of the substance. It was blood. Dried blood from children who had attempted to break their chains by tugging harshly at them, just like I had just done. My wrist screamed a sharp pain before my own blood crawled to join the others on the handcuff. I clenched my teeth, even though that one was the only one I had ever worn, I was sure handcuffs shouldn’t be that sharp.

I raised my grey eyes to scan the room. It was set out like a classroom. Old style desks were set up in rows all facing the front. A large oak desk, the teachers desk, sat in front of a blackboard and, as far as I could see, seemed to be the only one unoccupied.
However unlike a classroom, each child was chained to their desks with one handcuff around their wrist and a second around their ankles. There was also two armed guards at the door and no doubt at least two more on the other side. I almost smiled at the thought, we must be real dangerous.

The children around me differed vastly. There was roughly around thirty in that particular room, and it looked as if we came from all areas of life. Ragged clothing told the story of street kids. Makeup and fancy clothing spelt out the high life. I myself was rather rich, but I played it down. I chose not to wear jewellery or dance around in fancy shoes. I simply wore a modest rose t-shirt, some blue jeans and average sneakers. My brown hair was not even brushed today, I hadn't bothered with appearance before I left, it was just tied up lazily in a loose ponytail. It still made me look rich enough though, for poorer children did not bother with clean clothes.
Here it seemed though, it did not matter what area of life you came from. Everyone was treated equally as horrible. Without thinking I let out a small grunt of laughter. Equality only existed in hell.

Nobody talked. It was as if everyone's mouths had been sewn shut with steel wire. The silence was unnerving, but I didn’t feel like breaking it. I had a feeling that sharp handcuffs was not the worst thing the PCD could come up with.
The air buzzed with anticipation. After all, each and every one of us was about to be told whether we live or die.

The clicking of the door handle made everyone jump. A woman walked in with a bright yellow folder that looked far too friendly for the document it protected. She wore the standard PCD office uniform, grey trousers and a grey fancy t-shirt that displayed the departments logo. Her nose stretched out of her face and finally ended in a sharp point. She had beady eyes that clearly were missing the company of her glasses. All in all, the lady looked like a mole.
“Alright ladies and gents lets get this over and done with. I’m going to state all of you who passed as it will be a whole heap quicker than listing those who failed.” She announced it with the calmness as if she were about to announce spelling test results, not deliver thirty childrens fate. Mole lady, as I had decided to call her, slipped a piece of paper out of the folder and began listing names. She spoke flatly and without emotion. Had she not been speaking I wouldn’t have been surprised if someone announced she had died.

I waited patiently for my name to be called. I was confident it would be. After all, my father ran this place. I caught the name of my friend, and the name of the boy who lived next door. From the reactions I could tell that most of the richer children had passed, and from the surprised look on one of the rag-boys face he had passed as well, but I still hadn’t heard my name.
“... and Connie Spencer.” Mole lady finished. There was a sigh of relief from who I guess must be Connie. I waited begging silently for Mole lady to pull out a second list and continue reading but she didn’t. My name hadn’t been called. I had failed the test.

The room had quickly broken up into chaos. Children screamed bloody murder and swore they would have revenge be it in this life or the next. Mole lady ignored it all, as if it were not happening, and turned to leave the room. The closest child to the door looked rather like a rag doll. but as Mole lady attempted to leave he managed to grab hold of her sleeve. In what must have been a rush of adrenaline the boy pulled her close and landed a few swift blows to her face before she could get away. The other failed children shouted encouragement but I was still in a shocked silence. A guard pulled the rag boy up by the rags on his chest, ignoring the boys wince as the handcuffs bit at his wrist. The guard then proceeded to punch the boy multiple times, causing the crowd to shout louder.
“Quiet!” The second guard demanded, he pulled a gun from its holster and fired a few rounds into the ceiling. Those who had passed the test screamed but the failed children had lost all fear.
“Big man huh? Got a gun?” A brave girl yelled, “Shoot me then! Shoot me!” He shot her.

The shouts grew louder still. The bullet-happy guard cursed and gestured for his partner to leave the room. A few seconds after they had left and hissing noise was heard that finally brought silence over the room. I tried to turn around to see what was happening but whatever it is seemed to be invisible. The children at the back began to cough just before it hit me. The stuff was suffocating. I could feel my lungs wheezing with the effort of breathing the thick air. Then I could feel nothing at all as the darkness swallowed me.
Last edited by hazelnut on Mon Oct 22, 2012 11:48 am, edited 10 times in total.
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Re: The Test. Please Read, Posting welcome

Postby TPDebate » Sat Sep 08, 2012 1:10 pm

I like it. Can you try to have more definition between characters?
Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky,
Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone,
Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die,
One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne
In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.
One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,
One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.


The Stormlight Archive by Brandon Sanderson - Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien - Harry Potter by J. K. Rowling - Sherlock Holmes by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
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Re: The Test. Please Read, Posting welcome

Postby Pichufudge » Sat Sep 08, 2012 2:20 pm

It is awesome. But it needs more description of characters and places and the characters need more definition but please continue it.
I'm quiting chicken smoothie, these pokemon are the new ones for the game X and Y coming out worldwide this year in October!!!
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Re: The Test. Please Read, Posting welcome

Postby hirokas » Sat Sep 08, 2012 3:47 pm

The proluge was really gripping and interesting, but it sort of faded after that. Maybe you could switch it to first person?
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Re: The Test. Please Read, Posting welcome

Postby hazelnut » Sat Sep 08, 2012 6:35 pm

Hmm, thanks for the advice. It might take longer but maybe I'll redo chapter one.
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Re: The Test. Please Read, Posting welcome

Postby hazelnut » Sun Sep 09, 2012 11:13 am

I redid chapter one. Hope its better than the last. Advice still wanted :3
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Re: The Test. Please Read, Posting welcome

Postby hirokas » Sun Sep 09, 2012 11:22 am

It's really good now c:
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