Secret Flames (about dragons) -please correct/critisize!-

[Don G.]

Prologue

At the crack of dawn, a figure was seen leaving a small, dirt home. The aged wooden door had barely shut before the person was hurrying down a dirt pathway that lead into the forest. Unable to be seen from the village, the figure had abruptly turned left off the dirt path onto a tiny trail. It lead her higher up the mountain that the village is located on. With trees available for cover, the figure continued to advance up the mountain until she came upon a well-hidden cave.
“Lai-sing,” she called quietly as she stepped into the cave entrance.
“River,” the figure called again, translating the name from the Ancient Language.
Stones shifted and grunting was heard inside the cave. More rocks shifted inside the cave, and a tail came out of the darkness and poked the person's shoulder.
The figure laughed, "Come on, it's time to leave!" She said to the wall of darkness past the cave entrance.
There was a snort and the tail wraped around the person's feet. Tiny stones rattled as a creature moved in the cave. The animal snorted again, a cloud of fog appeared in the chilled air for a moment before disappearing.
“Okay. Come on, then. It's time to go,” the figure encouraged.
The creature came completely out of the cave. Its claws clicked on the stone. His blue-green scales shimmered. There was a dragon standing before the figure. The dragon crouched down and waited. The person mounted the dragon with ease, and comfortably sat on his back. With a nearly silent flap of his wings, the dragon took to the air with a girl on his back.

[Tipsy]

I like it

[Don G.]

I like it

Thanks. Any critisism or tips?

[weegeestar5]

I think it'd be a bit better if it was written is past tense (ie. said, came, shimmered, etc.). c:
I would also add a bit less dialouge, as it seems to take the whole story up. ^^
Although those are just my opinions. x3

Hope I helped.

[Don G.]

I think it'd be a bit better if it was written is past tense (ie. said, came, shimmered, etc.). c:
I would also add a bit less dialouge, as it seems to take the whole story up. ^^
Although those are just my opinions. x3

Hope I helped.

Thanks you! I was thinking there was a lot of unneeded talking. Do I write the entire post in past tense?

[weegeestar5]

I think it'd be a bit better if it was written is past tense (ie. said, came, shimmered, etc.). c:
I would also add a bit less dialouge, as it seems to take the whole story up. ^^
Although those are just my opinions. x3

Hope I helped.

Thanks you! I was thinking there was a lot of unneeded talking. Do I write the entire post in past tense?

Usually yes.
But the character may say something like, "He's pretending to be good." or something like that, which would be present tense. x3

[Don G.]

Chapter 1

"Prem!" My mother calls.
I pretend to be tired and sleepy.
"What?" I call, my voice the perfect groan.
"You know what. Come and eat your breakfast before you do your chores." Mother answers.
I get up and wander into the kitchen, half dressed and fixing my hair. I sit down in an old chair and stare at the wooden table. I notice every crack, groove, and chip from years of use. I try to make my hair stay up so that it won't get in my way as I work. Every time I take my hands away, my hair falls down. Bree, staring at me over her bread, finally takes pity on me. She stands up and fixes my hair like an expert. Four years younger than me, Bree spends more time doing hair than working.
"Thanks, Bree," I say, my gaze shifting to the bread in front of me.
I take a bite of my bread, chewing it slowly. It is stale, but it's all we can afford. It's all anybody in the village can usually afford.

[Luck.]

Hey! If you are looking for a title, try using something about fire. The first thing you think of when you think of dragons is fire, right? Like I'm writing a story about an insane asylum so I called it the Asylum(read it! link is in my siggy ^-^). So what I'm pretty much saying is that you should call it something that tells the reader about the subject.

A couple of my suggestions: The Flame of the Heart, Fire Under My Wing, and Fire Starter.

I know they aren't that good, but they are suggestions. You don't have to use them! Good luck writing your story!

[Don G.]

Okay. I picked a title. But I think I might change it.

[Luck.]

]looks good to me! ^-^