{ ＩＮＫＬＩＮＧＳ } LOCK! NEW THREAD

[Oswald.]

hi guys c: I've written two beginnings to my new piece that I'm working on, and I was wondering which you think is better:

first start
Miel knew that something about the mirror was inherently off.
Perhaps his feelings of unease stemmed from the belief that all the remaining mirrors had been destroyed. Or perhaps that it was in a house that had been untouched for decades, the door just happening to unlock by a key he possessed. Or — perhaps the most likely of all — it could have been due to the reflection not being his own when he stepped in front of the mirror.
The man in the mirror had a tall figure, fuller than Miel’s; with ash-white skin, so pale and almost translucent it looked like the old paper Miel spotted as he explored the houses. His eyes (or rather, his eye, as the right was covered by his sweeping warning-light red hair) were a curious shade of orange-red, reminiscent of fire but nonetheless oddly calming. The bottom half of his face was hidden by a grinning mask of pointed teeth. Miel noticed that the portion of his face that he could see looked tired, exhausted even. The man was dressed in a blue overcoat, wearing black gloves and black pants that sagged at the ankles, over his black-booted feet.
This contrasted against Miel’s appearance sharply. He was tall, too (though he was a bit shorter than the man in the reflection), but much thinner. Bare shoulders led into a long torso constricted by a lavender-tinted corset, which in turn led into pants that were shredded past the knees. He had slightly short thighs, but longer than normal shins, balancing his legs out. His skin was tallowy, though naturally just a shade darker than the man’s; his hair was black, like the wings of the crows that still haunted the skies of the ruined city; and his eyes were a honey brown, warm and trusting.

or

second start
Miel knew that something about the mirror was inherently wrong.
Perhaps his feelings of unease stemmed from the belief that all the remaining mirrors had been destroyed. Or perhaps that it was in a house that had been untouched for decades, the door just happening to have a lock which fit a key he possessed.
The day that he found the house started off just as his other days would, wandering the quiet, rubble-strewn streets of the ruined city.
It had been bombed half a century ago, leveling some blocks while leaving some nearly untouched. The war had been total, blackening the skies for years, killing billions, according to an old veteran that Miel had a brief friendship with. After the sides unanimously agreed to a cessation of the fighting, people didn't dare to build large cities - or mirrors, for that matter. Life reverted to an agrarian existence. Now what remained of humanity lived in small rural villages in the countryside.
Of course, not everyone left the skeletons of the once-mighty metropolises. The noticeable exception was Miel. Still, he rarely saw another person, and when such a meeting occurred, the two would meet eyes, acknowledging his fellow's existence, then go their separate ways.
Food was probably the hardest thing to come by. However, there was a grocer on the outskirts of town who would barter for relics from the city for fresh produce and breads, along with jars of preserved foodstuffs and cured meats. The grocer and his wife were very kind, and traded fairly for what Miel brought back - brooches, fine shoes, dresses, waistcoats, jewelry.

thank you all very much c:

I also prefer the second one. They are both good but I feel like the second one flows better.

I know right autumn? (may I call you that? XD)
I took a J.R.R Tolkien class this summer and whenever I had to write about anything to do with LOTR I completely blanked.

[Kirarya]

hi guys c: I've written two beginnings to my new piece that I'm working on, and I was wondering which you think is better:

...

thank you all very much c:

I, on the contrary, prefer the first opening. It's more suspenseful and raises several questions in my head at once like: Who is that man? What's up with this mirror? Why is the character there in the first place? The second opening to be is just somewhat more boring, and it didn't draw me in.

[nutella ♥]

hi guys c: I've written two beginnings to my new piece that I'm working on, and I was wondering which you think is better:

first start
Miel knew that something about the mirror was inherently off.
Perhaps his feelings of unease stemmed from the belief that all the remaining mirrors had been destroyed. Or perhaps that it was in a house that had been untouched for decades, the door just happening to unlock by a key he possessed. Or — perhaps the most likely of all — it could have been due to the reflection not being his own when he stepped in front of the mirror.
The man in the mirror had a tall figure, fuller than Miel’s; with ash-white skin, so pale and almost translucent it looked like the old paper Miel spotted as he explored the houses. His eyes (or rather, his eye, as the right was covered by his sweeping warning-light red hair) were a curious shade of orange-red, reminiscent of fire but nonetheless oddly calming. The bottom half of his face was hidden by a grinning mask of pointed teeth. Miel noticed that the portion of his face that he could see looked tired, exhausted even. The man was dressed in a blue overcoat, wearing black gloves and black pants that sagged at the ankles, over his black-booted feet.
This contrasted against Miel’s appearance sharply. He was tall, too (though he was a bit shorter than the man in the reflection), but much thinner. Bare shoulders led into a long torso constricted by a lavender-tinted corset, which in turn led into pants that were shredded past the knees. He had slightly short thighs, but longer than normal shins, balancing his legs out. His skin was tallowy, though naturally just a shade darker than the man’s; his hair was black, like the wings of the crows that still haunted the skies of the ruined city; and his eyes were a honey brown, warm and trusting.

or

second start
Miel knew that something about the mirror was inherently wrong.
Perhaps his feelings of unease stemmed from the belief that all the remaining mirrors had been destroyed. Or perhaps that it was in a house that had been untouched for decades, the door just happening to have a lock which fit a key he possessed.
The day that he found the house started off just as his other days would, wandering the quiet, rubble-strewn streets of the ruined city.
It had been bombed half a century ago, leveling some blocks while leaving some nearly untouched. The war had been total, blackening the skies for years, killing billions, according to an old veteran that Miel had a brief friendship with. After the sides unanimously agreed to a cessation of the fighting, people didn't dare to build large cities - or mirrors, for that matter. Life reverted to an agrarian existence. Now what remained of humanity lived in small rural villages in the countryside.
Of course, not everyone left the skeletons of the once-mighty metropolises. The noticeable exception was Miel. Still, he rarely saw another person, and when such a meeting occurred, the two would meet eyes, acknowledging his fellow's existence, then go their separate ways.
Food was probably the hardest thing to come by. However, there was a grocer on the outskirts of town who would barter for relics from the city for fresh produce and breads, along with jars of preserved foodstuffs and cured meats. The grocer and his wife were very kind, and traded fairly for what Miel brought back - brooches, fine shoes, dresses, waistcoats, jewelry.

thank you all very much c:

I agree with Kirarya. The first one raises more questions, while the second one was a tad confusing. Perhaps I just think this because I read the first one first and the second one last. Maybe get someone to read the second one first instead and see if their opinion is different, favoring the one they read first. (ooh psychology)
Anyway, I think the first one flows better than the second one. The second one is kind of just describing the world as it is now, and I kind of zoned out slightly {sorry >.<} however the first one captured my attention at once. Also, in the second one your first sentence is "Miel knew that something about the mirror was inherently wrong." But you never seem to speak about the mirror as much as you did in the first opening.
I'd stick with number one if I were you. c: good luck with your story!

[Rolly-chan]

hi guys c: I've written two beginnings to my new piece that I'm working on, and I was wondering which you think is better:

first start
Miel knew that something about the mirror was inherently off.
Perhaps his feelings of unease stemmed from the belief that all the remaining mirrors had been destroyed. Or perhaps that it was in a house that had been untouched for decades, the door just happening to unlock by a key he possessed. Or — perhaps the most likely of all — it could have been due to the reflection not being his own when he stepped in front of the mirror.
The man in the mirror had a tall figure, fuller than Miel’s; with ash-white skin, so pale and almost translucent it looked like the old paper Miel spotted as he explored the houses. His eyes (or rather, his eye, as the right was covered by his sweeping warning-light red hair) were a curious shade of orange-red, reminiscent of fire but nonetheless oddly calming. The bottom half of his face was hidden by a grinning mask of pointed teeth. Miel noticed that the portion of his face that he could see looked tired, exhausted even. The man was dressed in a blue overcoat, wearing black gloves and black pants that sagged at the ankles, over his black-booted feet.
This contrasted against Miel’s appearance sharply. He was tall, too (though he was a bit shorter than the man in the reflection), but much thinner. Bare shoulders led into a long torso constricted by a lavender-tinted corset, which in turn led into pants that were shredded past the knees. He had slightly short thighs, but longer than normal shins, balancing his legs out. His skin was tallowy, though naturally just a shade darker than the man’s; his hair was black, like the wings of the crows that still haunted the skies of the ruined city; and his eyes were a honey brown, warm and trusting.

or

second start
Miel knew that something about the mirror was inherently wrong.
Perhaps his feelings of unease stemmed from the belief that all the remaining mirrors had been destroyed. Or perhaps that it was in a house that had been untouched for decades, the door just happening to have a lock which fit a key he possessed.
The day that he found the house started off just as his other days would, wandering the quiet, rubble-strewn streets of the ruined city.
It had been bombed half a century ago, leveling some blocks while leaving some nearly untouched. The war had been total, blackening the skies for years, killing billions, according to an old veteran that Miel had a brief friendship with. After the sides unanimously agreed to a cessation of the fighting, people didn't dare to build large cities - or mirrors, for that matter. Life reverted to an agrarian existence. Now what remained of humanity lived in small rural villages in the countryside.
Of course, not everyone left the skeletons of the once-mighty metropolises. The noticeable exception was Miel. Still, he rarely saw another person, and when such a meeting occurred, the two would meet eyes, acknowledging his fellow's existence, then go their separate ways.
Food was probably the hardest thing to come by. However, there was a grocer on the outskirts of town who would barter for relics from the city for fresh produce and breads, along with jars of preserved foodstuffs and cured meats. The grocer and his wife were very kind, and traded fairly for what Miel brought back - brooches, fine shoes, dresses, waistcoats, jewelry.

thank you all very much c:

I agree with Kirarya. The first one raises more questions, while the second one was a tad confusing. Perhaps I just think this because I read the first one first and the second one last. Maybe get someone to read the second one first instead and see if their opinion is different, favoring the one they read first. (ooh psychology)
Anyway, I think the first one flows better than the second one. The second one is kind of just describing the world as it is now, and I kind of zoned out slightly {sorry >.<} however the first one captured my attention at once. Also, in the second one your first sentence is "Miel knew that something about the mirror was inherently wrong." But you never seem to speak about the mirror as much as you did in the first opening.
I'd stick with number one if I were you. c: good luck with your story!

I agree with Kirarya and nutella. I also zoned out with the second opening. And nutella's right. In the first one, you keep writing to the point, while in the second, you suddenly jump to the description of the world, which has almost nothing to do with that something that's wrong with the mirror. It's also telling and not showing. Whenever you have whole paragraphs just describing your world, you have an info-dump. Info-dumps will mostly bore your readers away. Fast. You can do that better by incorporating the info about your world in the action.

[Zoethian]

Username: Zoethian
What we will call you: Dustily or Zoey [ None of these are real names, Dustily is my online name, Zoey because of Zoethian. ]
Will you critique other's work?: Possibly, as I'm not too good.
Links to your story if you have any: [url]Here[/url] [ viewtopic.php?f=57&t=1899478 ] This is my only story on the site and is very bad x3 However, I plan to do some Warrior stories.
Anything you want us to know?:
Not really, I'm a very shy and easily scared girl with her head in the clouds, I've been told I'm very good with writing and have followed this thread for a while now. My muse comes from pictures, night, music and friends. My friends say I'm a good writer, but I hardly ever believe them. I mainly write about two boys called Martyn and Toby, and I love writing romance. Isn't much more to me than that, sorry ^^
<- I get muse from that picture a lot :'3

[Kirarya]

Question for you all: do you have a preference when it comes to writing on paper vs a computer?

I do a lot of my own writing on paper before I transfer it to a Word document. I'm a very kinetic learner, doing things with my hands (such as holding a pen or pencil) is what helps me concentrate best. This way I can also edit my story as I'm copying it.

[amber.]

Question for you all: do you have a preference when it comes to writing on paper vs a computer?

I prefer writing on the computer much more. I type unbelievably faster than I write, therefore it allows me to organize my thoughts quicker and efficiently. I tried my hand at pencil and paper. It wasn't terrible but I found that I'd lose my train of thought before I finished writing the previous sentence. It does work but I definitely prefer my laptop. I also find it nicer for critiquing/sending drafts to people and such. It saves the time of having to type it up and it allows for ease of mistakes and fixes.

[Artesian]

Question for you all: do you have a preference when it comes to writing on paper vs a computer?

I literally cannot write with pencil and paper. My style changes drastically, for the worse. It's like I regress to a ten year old with a weirdly large vocabulary: my sentences get shorter and less complex, my ideas are less developed. It's terrible.

So writing on the computer is the only way I can write anything of decent quality.

[borneofash]

If I made this story, would you read it? A girl who had a giant crush on her friend, but they get into a huge fight; she stormed off and aiccdently hit her head, and lost her memory when her crush realises how much he liked her back. Now her friend and her crush are trying to get her to remember again. Would you read it?

Question for you all: do you have a preference when it comes to writing on paper vs a computer?

And to answer this, I prefer typing up my works instead of writing on paper. I'll write down my ideas and start plots on paper, but most of the time I start out writing slow and it's readable, but then I write fast as ideas come to me, and it's unreadable.

[Lilysplash]

Question for you all: do you have a preference when it comes to writing on paper vs a computer?

I prefer writing on the computer much more. I type unbelievably faster than I write, therefore it allows me to organize my thoughts quicker and efficiently. I tried my hand at pencil and paper. It wasn't terrible but I found that I'd lose my train of thought before I finished writing the previous sentence. It does work but I definitely prefer my laptop. I also find it nicer for critiquing/sending drafts to people and such. It saves the time of having to type it up and it allows for ease of mistakes and fixes.

Yes, I prefer typing. This is mostly because of be absolutely horrible handwriting. I can barely read it! Typing can also help me learn, for some reason, even if I'm a kinetic learner... Also, it's easier for edits, whereas on paper, you have to erase it all and rewrite.