{ ＩＮＫＬＩＮＧＳ } LOCK! NEW THREAD

[nutella ♥]

thanks, that was pretty helpful. c:

[sirène]

Username: Smoothie Kitten
What we will call you: SK, Kitten
Will you critique other's work?: Possibly
Links to your story if you have any: None currently
Anything you want us to know?: I currently make stories through art, drawing the first thing that comes to my mind and then creating small scribbles of idea's, my main genre fantasy mixed with adventure and action. I tend to like creating stories out of the ordinary, without many characters, and not too much dialog. I do write fan fictions, but i put my own twist on them to make them more original and descriptive.

[Small Child]

Hey guys! So, not only do I dabble in the written arts, I'm a performer. As my Drama assessment, I had to write one scene for aplay I'm doing with my group- there are four of us. I wrote the middle scene, where the whole play turns. As a basic rundown, there is a new girl- Alex (me)- who is a tomboy. She has rumours spread about her being gay, even though she's not. Her friend Natalia tries to stop her changing how she is to fit in, but they have an argument. That's the scene I'm writing. I would like some crit. It's a stage play, obviously, so the formatting is as so.
Please understand that this is more of an adult topic since we're doing TYP (Theatre for Young People), which aims to adress issues faced by teens.

Whispers Scene 3
ALEX partially overheard what DAPHNE, ALANNAH and NATALIA were talking about. Not wanting to speak with anyone but her friend, she asks NATALIA about it. When told not to worry about it, ALEX accuses her of thinking that she is a lesbian, and she storms off.
Stage is set up similar to outside a class room. A door is centre stage left, three chairs down stage left to resemble a bench. NATALIA and ALEX stand centre stage, facing each other.

ALEX: (Hesitantly) What is everyone saying about me NAT? I know some of it, but I want to know all of it…
NATALIA: (Reassuringly) It’s nothing, seriously. Look, they’re just really dumb rumours.
ALEX: Yeah, but who started it all?
NATALIA: (Lying, stuttering) I… I don’t know. Besides, it’s really nothing to get worked up about. It’s just words, seriously.
ALEX: NAT, please. If you know, you have to tell me!
NATALIA: I don’t! I promise. Besides, what are you getting so worked up about?
ALEX: (Beginning to pace, apparently not having heard NATALIA) Well… there’s that one girl in my math class. She gives me the dirtiest looks. And then there are those kids in my PE class… And there are people like…
(NATALIA reaches out and grasps ALEX’s arm, making her stop pacing. ALEX glares back at her.)
NATALIA: People like who?
ALEX: (Softly) Well… P-People like DAPHNE and ALLANAH might do that… They never include me in anything. I’ve only been at this school for a little while, and they barely even talk to me. They’re in half of my classes, but they don’t talk to me unless we’re in a group for something…
NATALIA: Hey, there aren’t like that. It’s just because you- (She is interrupted by ALEX).
ALEX: Because what? Because I dress like this? Because I prefer feeling comfortable to being liked?
NATALIA: (Cautiously) That’s only part of it… It’s because you’re… you know.
ALEX: Wait… wait, what? Because I am? I’m not anything! Don’t tell me you believe those rumours too?
NATALIA: ALEX…
ALEX: You know what? Fine- if they don’t like me as I am, maybe I should change.
NATALIA: (Hurriedly) No, no, wait. You’re great as you are, really!
ALEX: (Angrily) Apparently not! Even you, my best friend, think I’m gay! Just because of some jerk telling lies.
NATALIA: (Defensively) But I didn’t say that!
ALEX: Yeah, well you may as well have.
NATALIA: (Almost pleading) Don’t go changing because of a rumour, come on! You’re better than that.
ALEX: But everyone says I’m gay because of that rumour.
NATALIA: So?
ALEX: You do think I’m a lesbian? (Sarcastically) Thanks so much NAT. Thank you. Really, you’re a great friend!
(ALEX exits stage right after pushing past NATALIA. NATALIA then looks frustrated.)
NATALIA: But I didn’t say that!
(Lights fade out as NATALIA exits stage right.)
End scene.

[nutella ♥]

Hey guys! So, not only do I dabble in the written arts, I'm a performer. As my Drama assessment, I had to write one scene for aplay I'm doing with my group- there are four of us. I wrote the middle scene, where the whole play turns. As a basic rundown, there is a new girl- Alex (me)- who is a tomboy. She has rumours spread about her being gay, even though she's not. Her friend Natalia tries to stop her changing how she is to fit in, but they have an argument. That's the scene I'm writing. I would like some crit. It's a stage play, obviously, so the formatting is as so.
Please understand that this is more of an adult topic since we're doing TYP (Theatre for Young People), which aims to adress issues faced by teens.

Whispers Scene 3
ALEX partially overheard what DAPHNE, ALANNAH and NATALIA were talking about. Not wanting to speak with anyone but her friend, she asks NATALIA about it. When told not to worry about it, ALEX accuses her of thinking that she is a lesbian, and she storms off.
Stage is set up similar to outside a class room. A door is centre stage left, three chairs down stage left to resemble a bench. NATALIA and ALEX stand centre stage, facing each other.

ALEX: (Hesitantly) What is everyone saying about me NAT? I know some of it, but I want to know all of it…
NATALIA: (Reassuringly) It’s nothing, seriously. Look, they’re just really dumb rumours.
ALEX: Yeah, but who started it all?
NATALIA: (Lying, stuttering) I… I don’t know. Besides, it’s really nothing to get worked up about. It’s just words, seriously.
ALEX: NAT, please. If you know, you have to tell me!
NATALIA: I don’t! I promise. Besides, what are you getting so worked up about?
ALEX: (Beginning to pace, apparently not having heard NATALIA) Well… there’s that one girl in my math class. She gives me the dirtiest looks. And then there are those kids in my PE class… And there are people like…
(NATALIA reaches out and grasps ALEX’s arm, making her stop pacing. ALEX glares back at her.)
NATALIA: People like who?
ALEX: (Softly) Well… P-People like DAPHNE and ALLANAH might do that… They never include me in anything. I’ve only been at this school for a little while, and they barely even talk to me. They’re in half of my classes, but they don’t talk to me unless we’re in a group for something…
NATALIA: Hey, there aren’t like that. It’s just because you- (She is interrupted by ALEX).
ALEX: Because what? Because I dress like this? Because I prefer feeling comfortable to being liked?
NATALIA: (Cautiously) That’s only part of it… It’s because you’re… you know.
ALEX: Wait… wait, what? Because I am? I’m not anything! Don’t tell me you believe those rumours too?
NATALIA: ALEX…
ALEX: You know what? Fine- if they don’t like me as I am, maybe I should change.
NATALIA: (Hurriedly) No, no, wait. You’re great as you are, really!
ALEX: (Angrily) Apparently not! Even you, my best friend, think I’m gay! Just because of some jerk telling lies.
NATALIA: (Defensively) But I didn’t say that!
ALEX: Yeah, well you may as well have.
NATALIA: (Almost pleading) Don’t go changing because of a rumour, come on! You’re better than that.
ALEX: But everyone says I’m gay because of that rumour.
NATALIA: So?
ALEX: You do think I’m a lesbian? (Sarcastically) Thanks so much NAT. Thank you. Really, you’re a great friend!
(ALEX exits stage right after pushing past NATALIA. NATALIA then looks frustrated.)
NATALIA: But I didn’t say that!
(Lights fade out as NATALIA exits stage right.)
End scene.

Wow, that's really cool. Do you get to preform this to an audience too?
Anyway, I'm a terrible critique, but there is one line I'm a little wary about. Alex strikes me as the type to be rather defensive and stubborn, and this line doesn't seem to fit in with her personality:

ALEX: (Softly) Well… P-People like DAPHNE and ALLANAH might do that… They never include me in anything. I’ve only been at this school for a little while, and they barely even talk to me. They’re in half of my classes, but they don’t talk to me unless we’re in a group for something…

Here, she sounds nervous. Like she doesn't want to talk about it. But in other parts, she seems defensive when others refer to her as a lesbian. I think you should change it to sound more angry and sarcastic, because just before that they were glaring at each other angrily, so it doesn't make much sense to have her sounding like that afterwards. Maybe something like this (I don't want to rewrite your play, so this is just a rough outline):

ALEX: (Angrily) Well, People like DAPHNE and ALLANAH might do that, for starters. They never include me in anything. I’ve only been at this school for a little while, and they barely even talk to me. They’re in half of my classes, but they don’t talk to me unless we’re in a group for something.

I didn't change much, just got rid of the '...'s and changed 'softly' to 'angrily'. I think that would fit better with her personality and how she is feeling during this scene.

Anyway, I hope all goes well with your play! It seems really cool that you get to write it as well as preform. c:

[Thalassic]

Username: Zanjux, occasionally/on other sites ZizanChan
What we will call you: Zan is fine. Kraken works, too, but Zan is prefered.
Will you critique other's work?: I can try, however I can't say I'm very good at any of this myself, so its a maybe.
Links to your story if you have any: Don't have any yet.
Anything you want us to know?: Yes, well, basically, most of you might know (or don't know lmao) me as a digital artist, but the art of storymaking has always seemed intriguing for me. That being said, no actual story of mine has ever gotten further than my mind so far, partly cause I'm a bit ashamed, being a total newbie at that kind of thing and all. But there is one I'm putting together right now (still only in mind-format, so I can't exactly show anyone) and I'm still considering writing it down somewhere and further continuing it into a visual novel, illustrated storybook or a comic/manga type thing. Comics and mangas still count in this thread, right? I mean, they do require a story for them..?

[Lilysplash]

Hey guys! So, not only do I dabble in the written arts, I'm a performer. As my Drama assessment, I had to write one scene for aplay I'm doing with my group- there are four of us. I wrote the middle scene, where the whole play turns. As a basic rundown, there is a new girl- Alex (me)- who is a tomboy. She has rumours spread about her being gay, even though she's not. Her friend Natalia tries to stop her changing how she is to fit in, but they have an argument. That's the scene I'm writing. I would like some crit. It's a stage play, obviously, so the formatting is as so.
Please understand that this is more of an adult topic since we're doing TYP (Theatre for Young People), which aims to adress issues faced by teens.

Whispers Scene 3
ALEX partially overheard what DAPHNE, ALANNAH and NATALIA were talking about. Not wanting to speak with anyone but her friend, she asks NATALIA about it. When told not to worry about it, ALEX accuses her of thinking that she is a lesbian, and she storms off.
Stage is set up similar to outside a class room. A door is centre stage left, three chairs down stage left to resemble a bench. NATALIA and ALEX stand centre stage, facing each other.

ALEX: (Hesitantly) What is everyone saying about me NAT? I know some of it, but I want to know all of it…
NATALIA: (Reassuringly) It’s nothing, seriously. Look, they’re just really dumb rumours.
ALEX: Yeah, but who started it all?
NATALIA: (Lying, stuttering) I… I don’t know. Besides, it’s really nothing to get worked up about. It’s just words, seriously.
ALEX: NAT, please. If you know, you have to tell me!
NATALIA: I don’t! I promise. Besides, what are you getting so worked up about?
ALEX: (Beginning to pace, apparently not having heard NATALIA) Well… there’s that one girl in my math class. She gives me the dirtiest looks. And then there are those kids in my PE class… And there are people like…
(NATALIA reaches out and grasps ALEX’s arm, making her stop pacing. ALEX glares back at her.)
NATALIA: People like who?
ALEX: (Softly) Well… P-People like DAPHNE and ALLANAH might do that… They never include me in anything. I’ve only been at this school for a little while, and they barely even talk to me. They’re in half of my classes, but they don’t talk to me unless we’re in a group for something…
NATALIA: Hey, there aren’t like that. It’s just because you- (She is interrupted by ALEX).
ALEX: Because what? Because I dress like this? Because I prefer feeling comfortable to being liked?
NATALIA: (Cautiously) That’s only part of it… It’s because you’re… you know.
ALEX: Wait… wait, what? Because I am? I’m not anything! Don’t tell me you believe those rumours too?
NATALIA: ALEX…
ALEX: You know what? Fine- if they don’t like me as I am, maybe I should change.
NATALIA: (Hurriedly) No, no, wait. You’re great as you are, really!
ALEX: (Angrily) Apparently not! Even you, my best friend, think I’m gay! Just because of some jerk telling lies.
NATALIA: (Defensively) But I didn’t say that!
ALEX: Yeah, well you may as well have.
NATALIA: (Almost pleading) Don’t go changing because of a rumour, come on! You’re better than that.
ALEX: But everyone says I’m gay because of that rumour.
NATALIA: So?
ALEX: You do think I’m a lesbian? (Sarcastically) Thanks so much NAT. Thank you. Really, you’re a great friend!
(ALEX exits stage right after pushing past NATALIA. NATALIA then looks frustrated.)
NATALIA: But I didn’t say that!
(Lights fade out as NATALIA exits stage right.)
End scene.

Wow, that's really cool. Do you get to preform this to an audience too?
Anyway, I'm a terrible critique, but there is one line I'm a little wary about. Alex strikes me as the type to be rather defensive and stubborn, and this line doesn't seem to fit in with her personality:

ALEX: (Softly) Well… P-People like DAPHNE and ALLANAH might do that… They never include me in anything. I’ve only been at this school for a little while, and they barely even talk to me. They’re in half of my classes, but they don’t talk to me unless we’re in a group for something…

Here, she sounds nervous. Like she doesn't want to talk about it. But in other parts, she seems defensive when others refer to her as a lesbian. I think you should change it to sound more angry and sarcastic, because just before that they were glaring at each other angrily, so it doesn't make much sense to have her sounding like that afterwards. Maybe something like this (I don't want to rewrite your play, so this is just a rough outline):

ALEX: (Angrily) Well, People like DAPHNE and ALLANAH might do that, for starters. They never include me in anything. I’ve only been at this school for a little while, and they barely even talk to me. They’re in half of my classes, but they don’t talk to me unless we’re in a group for something.

I didn't change much, just got rid of the '...'s and changed 'softly' to 'angrily'. I think that would fit better with her personality and how she is feeling during this scene.

Anyway, I hope all goes well with your play! It seems really cool that you get to write it as well as preform. c:

Lovely script so far, but I agree with nutella's edits above. It sounds really fun, and I wish your play a success. c: It has great promise.

~Lilysplash

[Roonil Wazlib]

@Lilysplash
Thanks! Yeah, I never check for grammatical errors...I should probably start doing that lol

[skittles323]

I finally have a story I can post, but I have to ask for help, it's supposed to be a short story to help get out writers block, but I honestly have no idea where to go with it, I mean I have an idea but nothing solid so I wanted to see opinions...
Also a note, it was written on my nook on a plane, so that's why some of the stuff isn't capitalized or stuff may be spelled wrong 3: This story also doesn't have a title... Sorry D:

Every time I hear that rain, that damn tapping of drops against the outside, I cant help but try and remember the one thing I cant...the day I died.
The months come and go as they please, I chose to let time do as it wishes, the ages haven't been kind though, as lately the weather seems to be getting worse and worse.
I... i /want/ to say its okay, i want to be able to tell myself that it can't happen to me again.
I think the worst part is that i dont even know what i'm scared of.
It was raining the day i woke up. No idea where i was. The silence was deadening. Until all i could hear was the little pitter patter of rain on wood; the wood of my coffin. No heart beat, no breathing not even the flutter of my eye lashes.
Just. Damn. Rain.
My fear over took me and i clawed at the wood screaming but the rain only seemed to get louder and louder covering my desperate pleas.
I had drifted out of it only to come to in a hospital.
Once again, the rain slightly pitter pattering, beading on the window. No one knew who i was, and no one came for me.
I.. . Never had any identification and they said they found me on the side of the road. Though i told them differently so many times, the doctors and nurses insisted on the fact that i had simply just /imagined/ dying.
How do you even imagine, the cold feeling, the quiet.
And nothing but the damn rain.
They released me despite it all, sent me off into a world that i had no memory of, and seemed to have forgotten me as well.
I had nothing when i had supposedly entered the hospital but on my way out there had been an envelope waiting for me.
No name, and no real indication it was for me. I never asked what made them assume it was for me, simply took the package and went out the door. I walked for a while, for a long time actually.
I had finally plopped onto a bench under a pavilion in some park.

So yeah, I'm mostly looking for vauge idea's that are able to be molded into something bigger... I don't know. Suggestions?

[Lilysplash]

I finally have a story I can post, but I have to ask for help, it's supposed to be a short story to help get out writers block, but I honestly have no idea where to go with it, I mean I have an idea but nothing solid so I wanted to see opinions...
Also a note, it was written on my nook on a plane, so that's why some of the stuff isn't capitalized or stuff may be spelled wrong 3: This story also doesn't have a title... Sorry D:

Every time I hear that rain, that damn tapping of drops against the outside, I cant help but try and remember the one thing I cant...the day I died.
The months come and go as they please, I chose to let time do as it wishes, the ages haven't been kind though, as lately the weather seems to be getting worse and worse.
I... i /want/ to say its okay, i want to be able to tell myself that it can't happen to me again.
I think the worst part is that i dont even know what i'm scared of.
It was raining the day i woke up. No idea where i was. The silence was deadening. Until all i could hear was the little pitter patter of rain on wood; the wood of my coffin. No heart beat, no breathing not even the flutter of my eye lashes.
Just. Damn. Rain.
My fear over took me and i clawed at the wood screaming but the rain only seemed to get louder and louder covering my desperate pleas.
I had drifted out of it only to come to in a hospital.
Once again, the rain slightly pitter pattering, beading on the window. No one knew who i was, and no one came for me.
I.. . Never had any identification and they said they found me on the side of the road. Though i told them differently so many times, the doctors and nurses insisted on the fact that i had simply just /imagined/ dying.
How do you even imagine, the cold feeling, the quiet.
And nothing but the damn rain.
They released me despite it all, sent me off into a world that i had no memory of, and seemed to have forgotten me as well.
I had nothing when i had supposedly entered the hospital but on my way out there had been an envelope waiting for me.
No name, and no real indication it was for me. I never asked what made them assume it was for me, simply took the package and went out the door. I walked for a while, for a long time actually.
I had finally plopped onto a bench under a pavilion in some park.

So yeah, I'm mostly looking for vauge idea's that are able to be molded into something bigger... I don't know. Suggestions?

Good idea so far. It has promise. But again, grammar, grammar, grammar! Mechanics are vital, and leaving out basic capitalization will not make it look cooler! Ex. "Can't" instead of "cant". This doesn't go just for you, but many authors; grammar is, in fact, a deciding factor about readers. Otherwise, again, it's inspiring and creative.

~Lilysplash

[skittles323]

I finally have a story I can post, but I have to ask for help, it's supposed to be a short story to help get out writers block, but I honestly have no idea where to go with it, I mean I have an idea but nothing solid so I wanted to see opinions...
Also a note, it was written on my nook on a plane, so that's why some of the stuff isn't capitalized or stuff may be spelled wrong 3: This story also doesn't have a title... Sorry D:

Every time I hear that rain, that damn tapping of drops against the outside, I cant help but try and remember the one thing I cant...the day I died.
The months come and go as they please, I chose to let time do as it wishes, the ages haven't been kind though, as lately the weather seems to be getting worse and worse.
I... i /want/ to say its okay, i want to be able to tell myself that it can't happen to me again.
I think the worst part is that i dont even know what i'm scared of.
It was raining the day i woke up. No idea where i was. The silence was deadening. Until all i could hear was the little pitter patter of rain on wood; the wood of my coffin. No heart beat, no breathing not even the flutter of my eye lashes.
Just. Damn. Rain.
My fear over took me and i clawed at the wood screaming but the rain only seemed to get louder and louder covering my desperate pleas.
I had drifted out of it only to come to in a hospital.
Once again, the rain slightly pitter pattering, beading on the window. No one knew who i was, and no one came for me.
I.. . Never had any identification and they said they found me on the side of the road. Though i told them differently so many times, the doctors and nurses insisted on the fact that i had simply just /imagined/ dying.
How do you even imagine, the cold feeling, the quiet.
And nothing but the damn rain.
They released me despite it all, sent me off into a world that i had no memory of, and seemed to have forgotten me as well.
I had nothing when i had supposedly entered the hospital but on my way out there had been an envelope waiting for me.
No name, and no real indication it was for me. I never asked what made them assume it was for me, simply took the package and went out the door. I walked for a while, for a long time actually.
I had finally plopped onto a bench under a pavilion in some park.

So yeah, I'm mostly looking for vauge idea's that are able to be molded into something bigger... I don't know. Suggestions?

Good idea so far. It has promise. But again, grammar, grammar, grammar! Mechanics are vital, and leaving out basic capitalization will not make it look cooler! Ex. "Can't" instead of "cant". This doesn't go just for you, but many authors; grammar is, in fact, a deciding factor about readers. Otherwise, again, it's inspiring and creative.

~Lilysplash

Forgive me! 3x I normally have amazing grammar or I try to, capitalization drives me insane as well as other basics, it's just the one occasion because of the way the keyboard works, now that I have it on the computer, I'm definitely going to fix it soon.