{ ＩＮＫＬＩＮＧＳ } LOCK! NEW THREAD

[Lilysplash]

Secondly, Percy Jackson. The first series was amazing, I loved it, and couldn't put the books down. Then came "Heroes of Olympus." I like that Percy and Ammabeth are in it... but omg Jason! And holy flipping mary-sue Piper! I mean, that little brat gets everything she wants just by using her charmspeak, powerplay much? And she says she's a tomboy, heck no! >: I hate her so, so, so much.

Piper. Don't even get me started.
She's a daughter of Aphrodite, so she's beautiful, and can charm speak, and Jason is like in love with her, and she speaks French. She has absolutely no training, yet she is capable of doing whatever Jason and Leo do. Her knife isn't even meant for fighting, and yet she's still the best fighter in the Aphrodite cabin. And she gets head counselor. No, just no. And why does Jason like her so much? She... I can't even express my anger on this one. What's her flaw? That she is pretty, but doesn't want to be? Or that your dad is an award winning movie star, but that embarrasses her? Seriously, the series is called 'Heros of Olympus', not 'Piper the Pretty Rich Girl Who's Life is So Hard'.
(point made)

Ikr? I hate Piper so much it's ridiculous. x.x I also rather hate Jason. Don't hate me for saying this, but I think Annabeth is one of the biggest Mary-sues of them all. Not as bad as Piper, but... I really don't like her. x.x

Yes. YES. Annabeth is so amazing that the sheer sueness radiating off of her hurts. But then again, compared to Piper, she's only a mediocre sue. XP

Hey again! Koda here! <3
I wanted your thoughts on the Prologue of my new book. I've written books before but I want this to be... A BOOK. I'm middle school aged and I want to be a novelist when I'm older.
Can you offer me advice on EVERY SINGLE area for improvement? Like, as much as you can think of. I need to make it more sad.
So... Enjoy..?
Edit: At the end it does sound similar to the Lion King, but trust me; it wasn't actually supposed to. Her backstory had already been set up and I didn't realize the similarities until I proof-read...

Prologue – Fear, Pain, Heartbreak, and Complicated Aspects.

“I love you, Kalamu.” Said her soft voice, dancing in the night.
“I love you too, mother.” I whispered. Her huge paw wrapped my tiny body closer toward her.
I was safe.
I was content.
I knew that nothing could hurt me, when I was with her. I knew that the world would be a good place when I was with her. I knew that one day, when I was a lioness, I would be as amazing as her.
And I knew that the bond between us would never break until death.
I pressed my muzzle into her furry chest.
“I love you.”

* * *
I had never known fear.
I had never known pain.
I was simple, with a simple mind and a simple life.
I had never known heartbreak.
I had never known the complicated aspects of life.
But complicated aspects, heartbreak, pain and fear were things to be experienced. And if the world was also simple, if the world knew that its residents were happy without those things, then it wouldn’t bring them upon us.
Would the world be so harsh, so cruel, and so merciless as to bring them upon one so young in just a single turn? Did the world not know that some did not need those things? Would it not let the ones with simple minds live a simple life freely? Was it so hard for it to let them live with love and peace, with the ones they loved?
In one single turn. I was so young. I was unprotected and powerless. I didn’t even need to experience fear, pain, heartbreak and a complicated life, just because of a tiny accident. That tiny accident would come to affect me deeply.

* * *
In my desperate search, I staggered over the cold, dark sand under the light of the waning moon. I was shivering and hungry and alone, and I wanted to find her.
In my simple life, I needed only love and peace. I knew that the love and peace came from only a single soul. That night she had gone missing. I didn’t know that the night on the savannah without her, was deadly enough to enshroud me in danger with every tiny step I took.
I squinted into the dark, looking for familiar, moving shapes that I could pick out. Once I found her, I could rest again till morning.
Soon I found the waterhole. It was overlooked by a white-lined tree, that cast ghostly shadows over the water and sand and grass.
And the lumpy, withered shape, lying beneath the shrubs.
I approached it very cautiously. If it moved, I knew to run. I could do that.
If it moved, I could run.
I crept round the shape, my blue eyes shining with curiosity. A carcass? Could I eat it? Mother brought carcasses home. She told me they were dead, and that even if they look like the animals on the savannah, they weren’t coming back. Sleeping forever.
I sucked in a breath through my nostrils. The scent was not alive. Yes, it was a carcass. But the dead smell was coated in something else. Something I recognised.
It was warm, sweet, familiar… Was mother nearby?
I got a closer look at the body.
Wait.
The face of it was too familiar. So much so, that I choked upon seeing it.
The glazed over eyes that stared sightlessly up at the sky were blue. The blue eyes that I knew all too well to know, that they wouldn’t not be looking at me when I was in reach.
“Mother?” I whispered in silence.
I sucked in another breath. No, no, no! How was this happening? Why did she smell so much like a dead body? What was wrong with her?
I didn’t understand! Only antelope and hares and zebras were supposed to smell like this! Only they were supposed have sightless eyes! How was it possible that she could be just like it to? She couldn’t leave!
Asleep forever.
I choked out a cry of despair, brand new emotions coming down on me. I leapt at her, knowing that as I pulled her ears and clawed her shoulder, she was not going to wake.
And if she was asleep, I would sleep too.
I lay on my tummy and wriggled closer, shoving my head under her paw. I slumped on the ground, feeling my heart beat against my ribs.
And I felt pain. I felt heartbreak. I knew that her own heart was not going to be beating in harmony with mine any longer.

* * *
The sun shone down on me from the early light of morning. It was becoming very hot now. I twitched my nose.
And then realised where I was.
I was still tucked under mother’s paw. She was still sleeping. Her eyes were open and her heart wasn’t beating. I gasped and jumped out, and her limp paw fell to the sandy ground. I stepped back. She was just lying there. She wouldn’t get up.
I tried to make a noise that sounded like a roar, but it didn’t. It sounded like a broken snarl, and my heart beat furiously inside me. What was I going to do? I was alone. I had no one else to protect me. I was exposed, my tiny body with my bare back glaring out everywhere for everyone to see.
And that’s when I felt fear.
A strangled screech chorused above my head and I looked up. A shadow over the golden sun was cast, wings spread and bare, ugly head looking down on me with hungry eyes.
I stood dead-still. He swooped down near me and alighted heavily on the other side of mother.
He folded his wings and peered at me. I bared my miniscule teeth. Filthy vulture. Filthy bird. Eating others’ food just because it was too lazy to hunt.
“Get away from her!” I snarled, my ferocity not showing at all as I heard myself. The vulture examined me, considering my facial expression as I tried and failed to stare him down.
“She’s gone, cub.” Sneered the bird, not moving. He spread his wings again and fluttered over mother’s body to face me. “She’s can’t protect you any more.”
“Don’t touch her!” I wailed as he turned around. With a great taloned foot, he shoved her body. She rolled over limply. I just gagged, watching him touch her and look at her like she was a hunk of meat. “Stop!”
“She’s not coming back!” screeched the horrid thing, turning and shoving his beak in my face. I jumped back, swishing my hairy, tufted tail through the air in anger. But I was just a cub. What could I do to stop this monster taking my mother even further away from me? “Look.”
Eyeing him, I crept around to look at my mother. My chest heaved up and down. This sudden pain and this sudden heartbreak was coming back again.
The vulture handled her paws fiercely, throwing them out of the way of her chest. I gasped at the sight, hyperventilating but not able to breathe. No. No. No. No. How could this happen?
Through her chest, a great, bloody hole was shown. Wide and deep, it went straight through her, revealing the blood and gore.
I couldn’t bare it. Digging my claws into the dirt, I literally couldn’t bare it.
I looked back at her face. Her usually warm, smiling face, but with glazed eyes, a shocked expression frozen in place. And the hole through her body that cut through her insides and took her precious life away from me.
Suddenly the sun disappeared again, and I looked up in terror as three more vultures landed near me and the other. I stepped back a bit, but not having the guts to move too far from Mother.
“An elephant’s tusk. Straight through.” Sighed the first vulture.
“Pity. It would be such a waste...” said another.
“Is the little one for dessert?” asked a third.
“Doesn’t look like a fast runner.” Spat the fourth.
“No! Please! Don’t touch her!” I screamed as one of them placed his foot on Mother’s thigh and dug his talons into her skin and flesh.
“We’re hungry.” Snarled the vulture, suddenly ripping his foot back. A chunk of her skin was torn off, and I screamed again, now begging.
“Please, please!” I sobbed. “Where am I going to go? She has to protect me,”
“She’s DEAD, you stupid cat!” screeched the first vulture, flaring his wings at me and swooping in close to my face. I shrieked and leapt out of the way as his fellows laughed.
“Please...” I sniffed, collapsed in defeat before the hideous creature.
“Your mother is dead. You have no family, no friends, no fellows. Now, you’re only way of life is for you to run.” Hissed the bird, his curved beak right next to my ear. I was stiff.
“Run..?” I whispered. He nodded. I stood.
“Run, cat, run.” He said in such a quiet voice I could barely hear him. But now, I knew that he was right. Unfortunately. No, unfortunately wasn’t the right word. Horribly. Dreadfully. So much horror and dread in this circumstance that I could barely even move.
But in shock, I picked up my tiny paws and jumped a few bounds away, toward the flat grassland. The vulture nodded as I looked at him.
With a cough of hatred and pain, I ran a little further. My pace picked up. I began to run. I began to gallop. I raced away from the waterhole, away from the death, away from the demon birds.
And as I ran, full of emotions, I listened to the screeches of the vultures and the tearing of skin and flesh and bones. I was never going to see her again. That horrible image of her punctured, shocked, dismantled body was the last thing I’d know of her.
And now, I felt fear. I now knew of complicated aspects.
And all because of a single elephant trunk that got too close to her chest, and stopped my mother’s heart beating.

Hello, there! c: I'm another aspiring author around your age, perhaps younger, so I can relate! I would love to become a best selling author when I grow up as well, and already am working on publishing a book. (I wrote it in fifth grade. >.< It's actually a bit embarrassing to look at.) Actually, I'm a big fan of your art. <3 I can only draw paper-and-pencil, and your digital work is simply breathtaking.
Anyway, off of that tangent. Generally, I like it. It's good (although a bit lengthy for a prologue, depending on the length of other chapters). However, there are a few grammar errors and word choice improvements that I'd like to point out through PM, so keep your eye out for one from me! :3

~Lilysplash

[trashguts]

Hello~
I'm writing a story on Fanfiction, and it's a Pokemon Mystery Dungeon-type story. I got chapter one up (Though it's a bit shorter than I had hoped), but since this is the first thing I've seriously written in months, I'm really worried that the quality of my writing has dropped. ;A;



A young Starly stared longingly at the wispy white clouds and deep blue sky ahead of her. Her mother was overprotective of her, and wouldn't allow the young Flying-type to go out for more than half an hour on her own. She turned to reenter their home, a small hole hollowed out of a tree, and shook her mother awake.

"Luna... What is it?" she mumbled, struggling to keep her eyes open. Her daughter was certainly a much earlier riser than she was, though she was used to this by now.

"Ma! You're awake! Can I go flying?" Luna gave her mother a big grin, stretching her wings a bit to show off how they'd grown. Her wings were much more rounded than most Starly's, and the entire top part of her beak was slate gray. Her mother adjusted her pinkish orange, glossy headband, and nodded in consent. The Starly's eyes lit up as she fluttered around the Staraptor, her soft brown eyes sparkling with glee.

"Just don't go too far, love," Luna's mother called as the young Starling Pokémon ascended through the canopy of the forest.

Luna flew over their forest, watching everything going on below her. In not too long, she would have to leave her home in search of a flock, but she tried not to think about that. She instead let her mind clear as the breeze rippled through her feathers. Eyes closed, she shifted her wings for easier gliding.

As she settled in for a nice, long flight, Luna's eyes snapped open as she heard a small call for help. She dove towards the source, curiosity getting the best of her, and found a small quadruped Pokémon stuck under a fallen tree. He was clearly panicking, and couldn't get anything coherent out, but he gestured wildly at the large trunk that was smashing him. Luna immediately began pushing at the immense prison, but no matter what she did, it wouldn't succumb to her one foot tall frame. She frowned, thinking, when an idea struck her. She took a few steps back, narrowing her eyes, and charged towards the tree with a powerful Tackle. The tree finally rolled off of the poor Bite Pokémon, who immediately stood and shook himself off. He grinned at his slightly shorter savoir.

"Thanks! I'm Peter, Poochyena. Do you live around here?"

"Luna, Starly," she nodded. "I live about a fifteen minute flight from here, in the Wilderbrook part of the forest." Peter nodded.

"That's a pretty good part of the forest. Not that this isn't, but it gets pretty dangerous at night," he shivered.

"Wha? Why's that?" It had never occurred to the young Starly to put a word such as dangerous on her precious forest, but she was never out at night, and wouldn't know. Peter was a Dark-type, though, and was likely partially nocturnal, so she assumed that he knew this first-hand.

"It wasn't always this way, but in the past few months, a hoard of Shuppet have been terrorizing anyone who wanders too far from their home after nightfall," the young Poochyena explained in his best spooky story voice. "As the moon rises and the sun falls, you see their eyes- Blue. Indigo. Yellow. They peek out from behind trees when your back is turned, closer... Closer... Closer... Until BANG!" He jumped at Luna, causing her to flutter a good three feet into the air. "They tower over you and suck away all of your emotions!"

Luna landed, her fear replaced by doubt. "Sounds like a story your mother made up to keep you from wandering too far," she chided. Peter shook his head vigorously.

"I've seen them, though! They're real!" He whipped his tail against the ground in agitation.

Luna laughed. "Well, if you insist. Hey what kinds of games do Poochyena play? I don't know many other Pokémon my age." The dark gray hound grinned.

"They're not games a toothless bird like you could enjoy," he laughed. "But there are some universal games I know- Hide and seek!" Peter was surprised at Luna's dumbfounded stare. "You... Don't know how to play? It's easy! One Pokémon counts to ten while the others hide, and then he tries to find them!"

The two played until well after Luna's curfew, Peter beating her by a landslide, having scent on his side. They were both nothing but smiles and giggles, though, until he noticed the sun beginning to dip towards the horizon. He rolled out of their Tackle-based playfight, leaving Luna standing triumphantly over him. "Luna, I have to go-" He was interrupted by a howl in the distance. He sighed. "That's my mom, looking for me," he explained before howling back.

A few moments later, a sleek Mightyena stepped into the clearing. "Peter! I was wondering where you were, you were supposed to be home over an hour ago!" She noticed Luna and tilted her head. "Who's this?"

Luna bowed her head in apology. "I'm Luna, Starly. Sorry if I kept him out too late," she mumbled, tensing as she remembered her own mother. The Mightyena gave her son a hug and smiled at the young Starling Pokémon.

"No, dear, you're fine. Would you like to stay the night at our home? It's much closer," she offered. "I can contact your mother when we get there," the older Bite Pokémon added, noticing the young Flying-type's hesitation.

Luna grinned and looked over at Peter, who nodded excitedly, before agreeing. "I've never had a sleepover!"

"That's because you've never had any friends," the Poochyena smiled, giving her a playful shove. The three made their way to a comfy little den, and the two friends quickly got comfortable on the grass beds while Peter's mother, after asking Luna where she lived, bounded off to speak to the Staraptor.

"Tell me more about the forest," Luna said as she began preening herself in preparation for bed. Peter thought for a moment.

"It used to be a very safe place," he began. "I would spend hours at night watching the moon, speaking with the Hoothoot, and sometimes my rival, a Meowth named Jex with darker fur than the rest of his species. We both share that defect, so I guess that's why we singled each other out," he laughed. Luna showed no intentions of going to sleep until he was done speaking, so he decided to get to what he knew she was curious about. "Well, like I said earlier, it began a few months ago. I was out, basking in the starlight, when Mom howled for me to return home. Of course I stalled, wanting to prolong the moment, when a Shuppet popped out of nowhere." He shuddered.

"Did it attack you?" Luna asked, but Peter laughed at the worry in her eyes.

"Of course it did, but I fled before the ghost managed to hit me with its freakish Knock Off. Run Away does come in handy sometimes," he grinned. It faded slightly when he noticed Luna's worried expression. "Hey, what's up?"

"If you had been born with Quick Feet, you might not have gotten home."

"But I did."

"Other Pokémon were not- and won't be- as lucky. Peter, we have to do something about this!" She stood, frustration surging through her small body. "I can't, we can't just sit here and do nothing while those awful Puppet Pokémon roam freely through your home!"

Peter put a paw on her shoulder, keeping her from flying out of the den without a second thought. "Luna, look. You're a low-level, one-foot tall, unevolved Starly who's lived most of her life sheltered in a tree." He looked into her dark brown eyes, daring her to protest. When she indignantly stayed silent, he continued, "I understand you wanting to do something, but you can't do it alone."

"Then I'll form a Rescue Team!" she cried, pulling away from the Poochyena. Just as she was about to dive for the exit, Peter's mother returned, a reddish burn on her shoulder. Peter was beside her in an instant, demanding to know what had happened.

"My, you're just as protective as your father was," she sighed. "I got hit by a Shuppet's Will-O-Wisp, nothing to worry about. It'll heal in a few days."

Luna fluttered her wings angrily, and stormed out of the den. "I'll do it, Peter! Watch me!"

The Poochyena and his mother glanced at each other as the young Starling Pokémon flew into the rising sun.



What do you guys think? ;v;

[RoGuE_]

username: netty
you can call me net or netty either works
possibily but im not a rude person so you dont have to worry...
and iv written alot ill post lonks within next 24 hours im on a ds right now so cant copy/paste
other: im a member of wattpad username is netty44

[zazlet.]

Previous Username: lorena.
New Username: zazlet.
What you'd like to be called now: zazlet.

[osidfjuolsdijf]

I wrote a thing. Just a little thing, because I needed to write something.
It's unfinished, and I may not ever touch this again.
Critiques anyone? c:

It was a lovely midsummer's morning as the couple awoke, arms entwined and faces so close they could feel the heat radiating off each other's noses. The girl opened her eyes first, and a soft smile danced upon her lips, showing off her slightly tea-stained teeth. She whispered an "I love you," to the boy across her, and got out of the bed, causing him to stir. He smiled and stared at her with his radiating green eyes. Sun, filtered to a faint pink through the curtains, trickled through, streams of light warming the room. It shone onto the girl's silky nightgown that hung onto her figure, making her seem spirit-like. Her small feet made their way into the kitchen, as she grabbed coffee grounds and cups. After savoring the image of the beautiful girl and smelling the stark richness of coffee, he headed to the kitchen as well. "Let me take care of that," he said. From atop the counter, the lad reached for his wand. It was a nice wand that he had ever since he was a boy and began practicing magic.

The girl protested, "Lukas, please. You can't use magic to fix everything." Lukas stiffened; they've had this conversation too many times, and each time it started a fight. Sometimes they were small, and the bitter feelings went away in a matter of hours, sometimes, however, they were big and they had to stay away from each other to sleep in a hotel, or at a friend's house, but just away.

"Aislin-" he started, She merely glared at him, hands on her small hips and dark brown eyes looking ferocious. "Fine." Lukas put his wand away and went to sit at the table. Coffee was served about ten minutes later, with a white plate of day-old biscuits to go with. They sipped at it quietly. There were occasional glances between the two, portraying a varied amount of emotions. Aislin finished first, and went to take her cup away. "I'm sorry," Lukas mumbled to his cup, wrapping his hands around it like it was a precious treasure.

Aislin's curiousity was piqued. "What was that?" She knew right well that he apologized, but she wanted to hear it again, but louder.

"I said I was sorry."

"About what?"

Lukas groaned, tipped back his cup to get the last of the joe, and added. "About all the fights we've been having about my, talents, I suppose you can call them." The girl sighed and leaned against the counter.

"It's not that I don't like them," she began to say, watching as he put his cup away as well. "But I don't like how you use it for everything. You make the bed with magic, clean the house with magic, you drive your car using magic, Lukas, and I don't appreciate it."

[amber.]

I wrote a thing. Just a little thing, because I needed to write something.
It's unfinished, and I may not ever touch this again.
Critiques anyone? c:

I liked it very much. It had a very unique tone.

I think this could definitely be an idea worth following and I'm very intrigued to read more

Just a small question.
Did you have any ages in mind?

[osidfjuolsdijf]

I wrote a thing. Just a little thing, because I needed to write something.
It's unfinished, and I may not ever touch this again.
Critiques anyone? c:

I liked it very much. It had a very unique tone.

I think this could definitely be an idea worth following and I'm very intrigued to read more

Just a small question.
Did you have any ages in mind?

I was thinking mid-to-late twenties. Like twenty-five or -six for Lukas and twenty-seven for Aislin.
but like aah really?? usually people don't like my writing because they say it has too much purple prose to it. o v o

[amber.]

I was thinking mid-to-late twenties. Like twenty-five or -six for Lukas and twenty-seven for Aislin.
but like aah really?? usually people don't like my writing because they say it has too much purple prose to it. o v o

If people think your writing has too much purple prose to it then they those same people should read mine. It's much too.. dramatic.

I think that sounds about right, as far as ages go. I imagined her being a few years older, simply because the way she speaks to him about his 'magic' makes it seem as though she is slightly older.

I may not be the best critic. I haven't critiqued many things but this was one I liked very much. I thought it was very pleasing to read.

[Cherry]

I wrote a thing. Just a little thing, because I needed to write something.
It's unfinished, and I may not ever touch this again.
Critiques anyone? c:

I liked it very much. It had a very unique tone.

I think this could definitely be an idea worth following and I'm very intrigued to read more

Just a small question.
Did you have any ages in mind?

I was thinking mid-to-late twenties. Like twenty-five or -six for Lukas and twenty-seven for Aislin.
but like aah really?? usually people don't like my writing because they say it has too much purple prose to it. o v o

Eh, I don't think so. Then again, I probably write the same way. I always ignore the "cut out unnecessary words" advice (since my story is a journal of my main character. She talks a lot, and notices a lot of details, so I have more than a "normal story" could without as much problem.) unless my sister (my unofficial editor) has a problem with a part, or I reread it and notice too much. I rarely revise, I'm a revise-as-I-go person which is actually unrecomended but suits me fine, but when I do, I reread it and see what actually needs to be there.
I feel the pain of cutting out of your work, but sometimes you have to.

I like the concept of your story.
One thing you really have to avoid doing, was that you changed point of views between the character. I know it's easy to do, but it can be confusing, -yours wasn't, but I'm listing general problems with this- annoying, unsettling and to some people unprofessional.
How to fix it:
Change character's POVs after a scene (using your favorite way to show time, underscores, asterisks, some type of symbol for clarity.) or after a chapter. So chapter one, girl. Chapter two, boy and so on.
The way you wrote it isn't bothersome, but the way that POV switches are done can be confusing or jerky.

I like how the story is. It's almost a Superboy-Ms. Martian relationship in Young Justice Invasion. (If you haven't seen it, it's one way the 'I don't like how you do that' thing goes. [In case you're too lazy to watch it: The two of them have super powers. Ms. Martian is a Martian with powerful telepathy. She started using it badly and basically made people brain-dead as a result. Superboy got concerned and asked to her about it, saying she was too violent. She didn't want to change and they broke up. She ended up doing it on somebody important -she thought he was evil- and had to bring him back, and ended up realizing her ex-boyfriend was right. Then they got back together.])
Definitely have more conflict on the romance end of things, though, they didn't have much except being jealous of other love interests.
I hope you continue it!

[wolves+horses]

Kyotori : Just read your "thing." I really love your writing style! It feels so real and natural. I can already feel myself getting into it because it just has such a wonderful atmosphere. It feels like I'm living the story, and that's one of my favorite things in writing.