. // THE INSOMNIAC'S CALENDAR. )

[sinensys]

oh that scandalous creature dubbed 'treachery' is starting to twitch, slowly slowly waking after being suppressed and sedated for so long. it interrogates me sweetly, kindly asking me to uncuff it, and it itches for a fight: i think it wants to fight both my brain and dysphoria, which is new and welcomed but still concerning. i appreciated the break in not having a single aggressive bone in my body, but i fear that i will lose control again and lash out at someone, shocking both of us. i don't know what to do, but i am very, very tempted to start replacing my dulled down teeth with its sharpened fangs.

i fear it, yearning for it from afar.

[sinensys]

how swiftly vengeance comes in the form of an expertly crafted weapon, one whose craft has been perfected and matched to its well-studied partner and target. it strikes knowingly, knowing very well that it will make its mark and puncture that otherwise impenetrable defense system. it strikes once at a time, but that's all it takes.

how swiftly vengeance comes. or is it retribution? where is the divide? am i both sides simultaneously, a blade meant to wound both its target and its manipulator, or am i one? if the latter is true, am i the victim or the perpetrator?

and most importantly, will i learn to learn from it? and how will i teach myself immunity to its veiled yet predictable attacks?

[sinensys]

the creature gurgles, foam spilling out through the gaps of its crooked teeth. in its eyes writhes a massive mix of emotion while the feathered crest upon its head shows only anxieties and excitement, both of the positive and negative types. it bares its teeth - the very same ones it gnashed and threatened others and itself with. these are the teeth that sting more than tear, ones intended to rip into rather than tear apart; they are needles that sink deeply into one spot. that beast has lost its mind, reverting to a dumb and mute fiend, harbinger of terrified screams. once it, too, was human. but it locked itself in a state of defense by slinking down the path of self loathing and suppressed emotion. and then began the twisting thoughts that mangled and mutilated itself to vaguely resemble courage, when really it was insecurity poorly masked with pride.

i look away from the mirror to avoid seeing those eerily glinting teeth.

[sinensys]

oh how that beast roars
with all its teeth and all its tremors
if only it would amount to something more,
and amount to something better

something beyond
its gloomy calls,
something to boast
beyond crooked croaks -
something that that thing
could pride in,
something more
than its empty core.

but alas it sits up late at night
gazing with suspicion
at that cursed god that sits up high
and thinks of all it hasn't done.

[sinensys]

all things yield to time. trees rise and fall at the command of it. mountains slowly deflate into dust. people start to stoop and slouch, age weighing down their weakening bones. under its orders, the minds of all beasts - human and not - warp and sway, dizzy with dulled experiences and new ideas. things will shift as gradually as the continents do, but they move. they move, gently gliding along to the soft and gurgling deity once dubbed fate, then nicknamed luck, and now titled age: even its name starts to blur and morph to something else, each fractal of the crystal splitting further and further away from the original. things change with time. such is the norm, as it should be.

rationally i understand this, but that doesn't make it hurt less - that doesn't lessen the wound or scarring. it doesn't make the dog teeth trapped beneath my sealing skin sting less. it doesn't promise a valid lesson worth learning, only doling out vicious punishment to those undeserving of it. i hate what you've done, even if i cannot and do not permanently hate you for what you've done.

i apologise for letting it happen.

[sinensys]

oh tumultuous, calamitous beast, you who sees through lies and craftily shreds them, i ask you to grant me your lofty patience and your calm yet knowing aura. you, you whose claws never click against the tile without your permission, are one of the few beings that can still the boiling beneath my skin and strengthen the muscles in my jaws to let me contain myself without the damage of bloody blisters and ground teeth. lend me not the aggression of a chained dog, but the grace and restraint of that which even the moon fears - if i held even a small percentage of that power, i could not only retaliate against that luminous and leisurely lying god, but also disregard those who slight me. with that kind of strength, i could learn to forget: to let go and move on like i used to. right now, in the face of change, i bare my teeth without my knowing, and i snarl into the dark pantry, mistaking rice for a declaration of war (i don't know when i signed it, there is no date or other signature on it).

[sinensys]

that creature writhes again, twisting its elongated body, winding and unwinding simultaneously. its teeth gnash furiously, each of the beast's heads whipping about, necks refusing to tangle together; they share a body and a weak shared consciousness among their independent brainpans. there are many similar-looking faces, but each one is in a different state: some are dying, some are nearly newborns. some of those minds are frail, weakened by the youngest and budding heads, and some are not even yet brains, their necks mere stubs sprouting from the main body. there are many, but they can be named.

there is soph, the burdened and weary creature that carries the body at home. saf is a dying limb, a brain mid-atrophy that will soon be amputated and cauterized. arkadii is a frail creature with needs that simply cannot be met given the current conditions. connor still lives, but is unlikely to remain until the spring. sebastian is young but strong, and he offers to guide the body now that soph is weak. damien, andrei, and theodore are children planning to become mutineers, but even if they do win, they will try to overthrow one another unless one gains immense strength over the others rapidly and soon. sophia is being laid to rest as we speak.

it is tricky business to give oneself a new name, especially so many. especially when one is so prone to creating new personalities for each face of the same beast.

[sinensys]

time is running out: it's time to stop running away. it is time for the old to die and make way for the new. there is no inherent purpose to life: things like fate and destiny were made up by humans to justify bold action or meek inaction. mankind has none of these things collectively. no, instead we must build our own; we must decide where we put our energy. and i have decided that i will strive for the ultimate height, the tallest peak of the mountain range: i will be happy, whether that means i will strip the skies clean and take heaven for myself or that means i will arm myself with those twin swords 'reason' and 'cunning'. i would prefer the latter, but if i must brute force my way through, i will. i will burn the last body and mind, and, with that ash, i will soothe the depleted soil andrise from the earth as a new creature.

heaven will be mine, one way or another.

i'm not asking you to change your ways, your politics, your beliefs. i'm not asking you to be proud or vocal. i seek the peaceful normalcy of happiness, and i don't even ask you to acknowledge that.

[sinensys]

those gods which i relentlessly pestered have snapped. it's a shame that, by the time mankind notices their anger, i will have massacred the old gods and retrofitted their broken shards to my broken pieces, stitching together a new god, one cruel only with severe need to be malicious.

all those names i used were false prophets, masks i puppeteered to aid in my illusions and lies. i have no true name, only titles. sophia, sebastian, connor, they're all the same: i am the god of deceit; i am the crane and the snake.

[sinensys]

creature of
night
bring me
your tears
so that i
may paint
over my fears

demon child
rest your mind
sit with me
and stay a while




tell me all the greys and all your dismays
one day we'll walk through this silent war