ೃ⁀➷ 𝕥𝕙𝕚𝕤 𝕔𝕠𝕦𝕝𝕕 𝕓𝕖 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕕𝕒𝕪

[pearljam]

never thought i'd say it but i miss you

[pearljam]

you waited until the right time to leave, i will admit
although there was no right time
you waited for me to be ready
and i'm grateful for that
you held on although in pain
you ended up making me stronger
although i can be numb at times now
i'm not the same person i was
i miss you
life started moving after you died, everything changed
and things changed as everything does
but i truly believe you did wait for me
being away from where you were buried hurts me
despite you being in the ground we were still close to each other when i lived there
and now i'm here
even though you were a walk away i honestly hadn't walked down to where you were because it hurt too much
but now i wish i did
i wish i said goodbye before i left
i hope you'd be proud of me
i remember when i couldn't picture life without you
i used to think that when i was going to move out, you'd come along too
i wish you were still here
why did you have to go?
you taught me so much
i love you baby

[pearljam]

and you will never know my new favourite band
who my new friends are
my lover
& what i get up to on a wednesday night
i know you would disapprove everything i like anyway
i will never let you that close again
that privilege has been evoked
it was the last resort
you drove me to that point and dropped me off
stop pulling the victim card
you got yourself here

[pearljam]

black hole sun, won’t you come
and wash away the rain?

[pearljam]

wow, i really have grown
black isn't my favourite song anymore
i finally see the beautiful side of life
or is that because i'm a little more numb now?
not this again..
can i live life without looking into everything so deeply?
i don't look deeply into the things i need to
but the little things
on another note, i have my first in-person psychology lecture tomorrow
everything in my life has led up to this moment, hasn't it?
anxiety doesn't rule me anymore.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uETeeMyrlkQ

[pearljam]

what am i truly here for?
why do i have to be like this?
it does still rule over me
i now realise i hate who i've been conditioned to be
i thought it would all just go away when i left
i thought you would leave my side
why did you have to make getting help something i hated?
was that on purpose? was it on purpose so i didn't see the real you?
then why did you force me to go?
am i so rebellious now?
i can't feel very much
i wish i could feel how i used to feel
especially before i learned who you were
ignorance must be bliss

[pearljam]

i think i will always be like this
this is me
and i don't like it
how much better my life would be without it
how much better my life would be if i weren't me

[pearljam]

it’s almost 4 in the morning, the harsh weather outside has got me thinking
i wonder how you’re all doing over there
you know, the ones i lost touch with
do you remember me?
because i remember you
this is my 1000th post
it’s been almost ten years
it’s funny how time flies
i’ve been on this site for half of my life, but it doesn’t feel like that
does it?
i have to live
& i have been in the recent months but something is missing
i know isolation is familiar, she is comfortable
but i don’t want to stay in the one spot forever
i can’t live an unfulfilling life
but will i ever properly be fulfilled?
i need to go back to get the closure i need
little me would be thrilled to see you again
but it won’t be the same as it was
i think that will make me quite sad
it never will be the same
it never will be the same.
it will never be the same.
would i be searching for my childhood, that will never return
would i be searching for my father before he left
would i be searching for the friendships i lost
or something else?
these memories never seem to disappear
they’re haunting me
i think about the old house next to the sea every day
when we’d go down to the beach and explore the rocks
i still remember the house layout
the view
our old car
the red paint.
i must be expecting mail, please reach out soon
i think i want to be seen by the outside world now
i want to stop hiding

[pearljam]

the gap in-between my curtains welcomes a guest
the full moon is saying hello
we are under the same sky yet so far apart
8.10.2014

[pearljam]

maybe i like science because no matter how complicated life is,
there's most likely an answer as to why