by Atwood » Mon Mar 22, 2010 11:41 am
This is a critique for Azora!
Who the critique is for: Azora's Avaydian application
What you had to say about it:
Nicely done - it does seem a bit slow in the first few paragraphs, with too much description and not enough character, but it becomes much stronger once he gets outside and starts flying, and his personality shows quite well in his interactions with the young Avaydian despite his lack of speech. The beginning feels a little empty, since it mostly just states his actions and draws out the surroundings without showing much of his responses, so it might benefit from having a little more detail on what he's thinking or feeling during that part. Also, I'd suggest trying not to start so many sentences with 'I' - there are a couple of paragraphs while he's flying where it becomes fairly noticeable, so changing the sentence structure around a bit might help (for example, instead of "I tucked my wings against my body, plummeting towards the lake", you might write "Tucking my wings against my body, I plummeted towards the lake"). There are a few grammar issues in the first flying paragraph with switching between present- and past-tense (e.g. using 'begin' instead of 'began', 'soar' instead of 'soared', that sort of thing), but apart from that it all looks really well done. :3
