. // THE INSOMNIAC'S CALENDAR. )

[sinensys]

i blink again: i've lost time how much has passed i lost it i'm sorry-

they roll their eyes, though i only know because i see the horizontal pupils tilt upwards - i never look them in the eyes, to do that would be to submit to that entity's control. instead, i look upwards at their antlers, which are safe since they are purely decorational; they morph themselves for aesthetics, it was part of their design. they are known for their excellency in mimicry after i was proven to be a failure, and therefor obsolete, no longer necessary for further testing.

"surely a creature such as yourself," they lean forwards in their chair before tilting their head to their right slightly and continuing: "understands the implications of your behaviour?"

i have nothing to tell them, but my gaze shifts away from the decorated antlers down to their left hand, full of ornate jewelry of rings and bracelets. i scratch as the seams of my left elbows, where the aged and frayed stitches hold together skins of different eras. i try not to pick at it, but i need something to occupy my terrible idle hands.

they click their tongue in disappointment again, but yet still i have nothing to say. "you never talk about yourself. why," it no longer asks, this is interrogation, "do you expect things to change?" it leans forth even farther: "you call yourself a pathetic creature - which is only partially true - but you never do anything about it?"

oh what i would give to be able to look into those sinfully sharp and crooked eyes and withstand their contents - but i know, somehow, that if i were to try, i would fail and submit. one day though, i will gain the strength to match the intensity of those eyes, if not best them. those days will come when my patiences runs out of my veins and my blood thins, and so i will thicken it with aggression and ambition.

[sinensys]

o you crafty and beastly manipulator! you, the child of middle grounds and of battlegrounds, that creature which finds the motives of others, even if you lack them yourself. o great beast of lies, please tell me what to do, take my brain and pilot my body full time and spare me - o spare me! - of my pitiful worries by replacing my soul with yours! i beg you to have mercy and release me, for my knowledge of our fruitful conspiracies has led me into a state of war which can only end if one of us leaves. i have no desire to fight you: i am merely your meek advisor who crafts schemes, yet dislikes conflict, i refuse to raise my weapon at you. i am your humble servant, and you are the saviour, an apparition who may visit earth in the form of my body as you deal with conflicts. i have no wish to harm you. i never will. how could one betray their benevolent god and not burn from the blatant sacrilege? how could i stand here before you, pleading for your mercy, and dare to even think of blasphemy? i could not - you would be noble enough to smite me if i had such thoughts, and i thank you for it. you ensure that i remain alive, the only thing besides selfishness which anchors me to this pathetic planet.

how could i betray my own mirror, my own creation? how could i strike down my beloved god? my other fractals i will abandon or smelt down, reforming them, but you-







you.

you are all i have left, o crafty one. i cannot betray what little i trust and have faith in. i cannot raise a hand against my god.

i will lie down and die before i dare tarnish your golden name and mane, that beauty which contrasts the metallic greys and silver i have taken up. let me be the platinum which encases your gloriously misshapen gold. please i beg of you let me have this just this once i won't ask for more i'm sorry for being so demanding i'm sorry

[sinensys]

you act like i stand a chance against your crooked teeth.

i invented them for you to use, to strike with, to smite with.

looks like i've succeeded too well.

[sinensys]

shall i write you odes, you slanted thieves? you who asks, "what do you think?" and who swivels around in an office chair, loosely coiled snakes who idly turn to gaze at an audience member. you are relaxed, relaxed, because you do not plan to strike, lashing out with your teeth.

no - your venom can be shot from afar with stunning accuracy.

or so you think when you dare threaten to understand, using that cursed idea: "when i was your age," what? what exactly did you do when you were my age? it certainly wasn't watch youtube. it certainly wasn't plan to go into debt when applying for college. it certainly wasn't rip apart your mind, nerve by nerve, little by little, as you peel yourself into layers, crudely stitched together to vaguely resemble a human being.

but instead you ask me to write about myself in poetry.

i'm not sure what you expected.

[sinensys]

oh you benevolent god
grant me access
to your plentiful treasures
which some call deceit but i
call my flesh and skin,
that which hides my
pale and acid-scarred bones.
i gift you my head,
a tomb in which my memories
and my writhing thoughts
are sealed, sworn to silence
and secrecy
just as you are.

oh you beloved god,
i can see the silhouette
of your form!
you whose vessel
casts the gleam
of a golden mane,
yet whose body
casts the shadow
of a distant bird,
ever watchful and invisible

oh you bountiful god,
i will write you odes indeed
for i have come
a long way from
denying your eye's gaze
and your body's shape.
i have finally
let you in
and now you offer
me the gift
of a weighted blanket,
laden with lies
to cloak myself in
and to rest beneath.
now i have a means
of hiding from that
traitorous god,
whose gloriously luminous flesh
taunts me and threatens
to steal my mind and body
from me

i thank you,
kind god,
for your patience

once i get through
tomorrow's task
i will create a shrine,
one that grants you
a minor vessel
through which you can see
and one that offers you
hints of my brain

please be patient
with me,
i am but a
lesser gear
while you are
a noble god

[sinensys]

if i retreat
back to my shell
will you be there
to take up that
sad, empty space?
will you be there,
in that room where
my once loud voice
once spoke?
for i have lost
my once firm step
and now i fall
down down down down
down down down down
into that murky depth
i once called my skull.

and if i leave
- even temporarily -
will i have let
you down?

[sinensys]

oh you kind and cursed god, please don't let me shrink downwards until that tablecloth i call my skin collapses, deflates, gently descends. downward. always downward. please, i beg of you to do something, to take control and let my stupidly hyperactive mind wash my brain with ashes to prevent it from charring at the edges. take over my body, which remains idle regardless of almost all outcomes, while my mind stops the stomach acids from reaching the brain, barricading my head with scarves and turtlenecks and ashes.

i have very little to offer you in return for your benevolence and mercy, especially since your shrine has not yet been assembled, but i beg of you to let me lean over that dangerously spired tower whose smoke i inhale and choke on. those generous deep grey plumes will coat my brain with ashes, like sand around a fire pit, and i will be reminded to be careful without truly burning. should you permit it, of course. otherwise, that beast, awestruck by the glowing lights, will blindly run straight into that fiery mass and evaporate, leaving behind a crunchy dust to never be found.

please. im sorry i let this happen, i didn't think it would affect me i didn't heed those kind but foreign warnings this is my fault but please have mercy on my stupidity i beg before you

[sinensys]

i love easily. i am easily attached to people and things, though rarely places. i may not let people in my head easily, not often granting them the thoughts in my head, but i welcome company easily, as uninviting i may seem. i grow used to habits and to people quickly, and, before i am even aware of this, i grow to fantasize a proper friendship with them, or more. at this point i can't tell if i love the people or the idea of being with someone who vaguely matches that person temperamentally. i am a machine with hopes and dreams, my benevolent ai; i too want things i never voice.

but i let go the same way i love: easily - too easily. i am all too inclined to simply let people drift aware, never telling or even hinting really at the thought that i'd like to be more than just acquaintances, however far they'll let me go. i am too comfortable, or too afraid (these states are identical, for to live is to fear and to fear is to live).

you were right, my silent and monitoring god: irony tastes of copper despite its silvery glint in the light of the two luminous gods, equally traitorous, judging, and demanding. it is what i taste when i chew my lip too much, and it is what i taste when i bite my tongue.

[sinensys]

oh you magnificent beast of the storm! the trees shudder as the rain thrashes about wildly and the wind tears past those teeth-laden branches. step forth from your mighty throne and sink those aggressive circling ships which taunt and threaten to torture me into granting those terrible captors your treasures, the ones that mankind prattles on about endlessly, the voice continues. i am but a weak creature, bound in nature's twisted shackles, twine laced with terror. i implore you, please, to grant me asylum to alleviate my throes, whether permanently or even simply temporarily! please, oh kind god, the prayer continues. i watch it unfold as that child stands before the forest, entire body shaking: its knees, hands, and voice shake equally. it begs the forest, the twisted herd of teeth, to respond as though it wasn't a mound of bones haphazardly placed to resemble life itself.

i close the curtains to drown out the wailing. foolish creature: you can't hide from your sorrows. you can't. you can't release those thoughts or demons from your brainpan, it gets you nowhere, i promise you. i promise you as your future self. you can't slip a bathbomb in your skull in hopes that it will relax those parasites.

but do not worry, you will be forgotten. i will make sure of it.

[sinensys]

"what can i say? i'm disappointed - but not surprised," comes that leisure drawl, almost the purr of a sedated yet demented beast. it is a creature of torment, a thing of quarrels. it does not bring peace to anyone, not if it is incapable of feeling peace or calmness like it usually is. no, this fiend does not rest and, in turn, refuses to grant others moments of peace. instead, it insists on giving others a piece of its chattering mind.

and i was foolish enough to let it speak.

so now i talk over it, and i tell it this:
"oh, is that so? i broke the accords? i broke those promises, those contracts? how noble of you; the righteous man speaks up against the terrors of my existence, andall the trouble i've caused. i too would be disappointed, but my disappointment lies in your inability to see. you whose purpose is to follow orders, a beast designed to be obedient and nothing more. what happens when they have no use for you? Or what happens when their funding is cut and, conveniently, you find yourself in need of medical aid? what makes you think that they will not cast you away when they're through with you? what makes you think that, upon your uselessness, they will not throw you out to rot in the rolling plains of the miramar landfill, and if they'll even give you the mercy of going there peacefully and not crunching you up like a soda can void of its contents, just because they can? i will only tell you this: you can still wake up and leave on your own. it is not too late. all you have to do is make sure that these people," i gesture to the people around me, kids in a science classroom. they are frightened, but to be fair, these freshman suddenly got a lockdown and then the senior in their class suddenly morphed into a lion-tailed creature with claws and crooked fangs. they have a right to fear for their lives when the intruder threatens them silently. "-do not get hurt any more than they already are. that's all i ask of you. they have nothing to do with out business, and i will keep it that way, whether at the cost of my life or yours."

the intruder narrows their eyes and bares their teeth. they begin to speak: