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[Guest]

there needs to be a ten days fan club lol.
so we can all just rant and go off about miss bliss here killing our favorites.
because you know it'll happen.

fan club? haha, i don't know about that. it would make me look extremely conceited and if i made one no one would join and i'd be a huge loser. xD
i'm not going to say who i'm killing and who i'm not, though i have some awesome ideas in store and i just can't wait to play them out AHHH

ummm... *pokes bliss and runs away*

[peachy keen-]

there needs to be a ten days fan club lol.
so we can all just rant and go off about miss bliss here killing our favorites.
because you know it'll happen.

fan club? haha, i don't know about that. it would make me look extremely conceited and if i made one no one would join and i'd be a huge loser. xD
i'm not going to say who i'm killing and who i'm not, though i have some awesome ideas in store and i just can't wait to play them out AHHH

ummm... *pokes bliss and runs away*

oh my gosh what
what.
whatttttt
you are so amazing dkaldlAKFEDS
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY <33

[ʞ ɔ ǝ ɹ ʍ d ı ʞ s]

OH MY GOD
See, I said I would read it and I finally did
and OH MY GOD
Holy crap you had my heart racing a few times xD
And your taste in naaaaaaames
Aspen, Beckett, Atlas, holy guacamole <3333

I do have some critique, though
In the beginning, you describe the characters well, and that's not a problem in itself
however, you seem to rely on that for personality
I don't want to be told that Beckett could love Olivia
I want to see how much he cares for her, and know why
It's important to show the chemistry the characters have with each other and what brought them there.
I was also confused about where they were. I understand it was a building with windows and doors, but how big was it? What was the layout? When it was flooding, I was confused because I did not have a clear picture of the room.
Also, things seem to happen very quickly, which is not in itself a bad thing.
However, they jump from one thing to another without connection.
When they opened the room to escape the flood, what was that room like? How was it any different? My first thought was a closet. And maybe have someone searching around absolutely unable to find an escape instead of finding it and saying it wasn't there before.
And when she walked in, she was suddenly asleep. She went from escaping to sleeping on the floor with nothing in between. I was kinda like, really? That seems a bit inappropriate lolol maybe explain why she felt she was safe enough to sleep, or why she knew if she did she wouldn't drown or get left behind by the others.
Anyway, other than a few spelling mistakes, that's it :]
I really, really love the story!! I think it has the potential to be freaking awesome!
[moreso than it is already, I mean]

[peachy keen-]

thank you, dragonfly! ♥ i really appreciate the critique more than you believe. i have gotten extremely sweet comments from everyone and i appreciate those just as much, but i have really been looking for some critique. :) a few of your points i do find myself often doing/struggling with whenever i write. i will work on that. c:

[ʞ ɔ ǝ ɹ ʍ d ı ʞ s]

No problem :]
I trick I use to get past those things it to do my best to visualize it as a movie.
I understand that isn't easy for some people, but it does help a lot.
And characters are never what you want them to be immediately. They grow in the story and in your head as you go. So, in the beginning I usually pair them with a character I already know. This helps with behavior and speech patterns, both of which are extremely important because everyone acts and talks differently. Body language is important.
Personally, I pair most of my characters with others if anything just to get a voice I can use. I have a terrible time imagining my characters voices, so I take an existing one with a speech pattern I can use. In my book, the captain speaks as Captain Barbosa would, and one as Ezio Auditore would. Different voices [genders, even] but identical speech patterns.
In your story I see how people would be irritated with Rose and Erric, but the rest of the characters are seeming nearly or just as short and snappy as they are. So express remorse or anxiety when the "nice" characters are driven to act that way.
And I find it always helps to add physical feelings to emotion. Chest tightening in fear, heart pumping with adrenaline, sweaty palms, heavy breathing, things that will make the reader feel the way the characters do as if they were in the story.

Ok sorry for the wall of text lol
It's just some advice you can choose to use, or not :]
I have trouble with a lot of things too, but not character development. I just try to help when I can c:

[peachy keen-]

ah, yeah. those are some really good points! thanks. c:

[peachy keen-]

[i've been working on this chapter on and off for the past three days. c: this chapter is a bit short with tons of dialogue. apologies for that. i tried to connect a few things, like you said, dragonfly. :) also, i know i am moving a bit too quickly, but i have a plan that will (hopefully) sort everything out.]

Aspen was woken up by a sharp pain in her ear. She almost cried out, but someone beat her to it.

“Oh my gosh, I just stepped on Aspen!”

The comment sounded so out of place that she almost laughed, but something inside of her warned her to stay quiet.

“Great job, Larkin.” The second voice was sourced at the other end of the room. Aspen thought she recognized it, but it was too soon after she woke up to really process anything. You know that place between sleep and awake? That’s where she was. “Is she awake?”

There was a pause from the smaller girl. Aspen assumed she was leaning down to check to see if her eyes were open, so she squeezed them shut, forcing herself to keep her breathing shallow.

“No.”

“Good, now come here, and try not to step on anyone’s body parts this time.”

There was no response from Larkin, so Aspen assumed that she had nodded her response. Then, more shuffling. “Okay, now what was so important that you had to wake me up for?” Larkin asked grumpily.

“I have to tell —” And at that moment, realization hit Aspen like a brick. She gasped audibly, realizing her mistake too late as she clapped a hand over her mouth. That voice belonged to the one and only Olivia. Aspen’s chest tightened, and she found it hard to breathe steadily.

“Oliv—” Larkin started, but Olivia’s hand shot up to the younger one’s mouth, muffling her.

“Shh.” Olivia murmured, turning to glare at the puzzled Larkin. “I’d better go.”

“What?! You just got here.”

“I know, I know, but I heard something. I can’t risk letting anyone know I’m here. I am sorry. I really am.” Olivia pulled the smaller girl into an embrace. Just as she was turning to go, a dark silhouette – Aspen –stood by the door, slamming it shut, which should have woken virtually everyone, but didn’t. By the look in Olivia’s eyes, she seemed to have just had a heart attack. “Aspen?! What are you doing here?”

“Funny,” Aspen spat out spitefully. “I was thinking the same thing.”

“Let me go,” Olivia snarled, clenching her fists. “No one can see me here.”

“What, are you crazy? Everyone’s been going berserk looking for you, especially Beckett.”

At the mention of the boy, Olivia’s gaze fell to the floor, suddenly interested in her shoelaces. Her expression sobered. “I never meant to hurt anyone.”

“Well, you did. Now why can’t anyone see you? I’ve seen you already.”

“They instructed me to stay away from you all, and you’re different.” Olivia explained vaguely, putting emphasis on “they”.

“Who’s ‘they’, and why am I different from everyone else?” Aspen questioned, shifting her weight to the right, crossing her arms over her chest.

“I can’t tell you the answer to either of those questions. Sorry.” Her gaze swept around the room. Someone was stirring. “I really need to go now, Aspen. Please open the door.”

“Fine, but one last question.”

“What?”

“How come when I slammed the door, no one woke up? You and Larkin didn’t give them all sleeping pills or whatever, did you?” Aspen asked the older girl, cracking a smile, though at this Olivia’s face fell. She looked absolutely mortified. “Uh, that was a joke.”

“Oh.” There was a pause where all three girls were silent, then finally, Olivia opened the door, beginning to leave, before she stopped. She didn’t turn around, though. “Oh, and Aspen?”

“Yeah?”

“Remember that note Hayden got?”

“How do you know about th—”

“It doesn’t matter,” Olivia interrupted, irritated. “You’d better start paying more attention to it.”

“What?” Aspen demanded. It was more of a statement than a question. “Olivia, what do you mean?! Answer me!” But Olivia was already gone. Aspen sighed, defeated, her hands falling to her thighs. She turned to Larkin. “This doesn’t mean you’re off the hook. I have a lot of question for you, Miss Larkin, but they’re going to have to wait until the morning, because we have to sleep now.”

“Okay.” Larkin shrugged. The two returned to their sleeping places. It took Aspen quite a while to fall asleep, however, because her mind was bursting with information. Who were ‘they’? Why couldn’t she know why she was different from everyone else? What did Larkin have to do with all of this, and with Olivia? Why did Larkin feel a connection to the smaller girl? Where was Olivia going? Too many questions, not nearly enough answers. Aspen sighed, eventually drifting off into a fitful sleep.

[okay, i'm crazy.]

olivias alive!!!! yassss c:
are olivia and larkin sisters? so perf <3
thanks for posting bliss!

[peachy keen-]

olivias alive!!!! yassss c:
are olivia and larkin sisters? so perf <3
thanks for posting bliss!

my lips are sealed. :x
and no problem. what's a story without chapters? ~

I KNEW IT
I KNEW IT
I KNEW IT.
ahem. I knew she wasn't dead.
bahaha
now only question is..
is she the bad guy o:

i won't confirm nor deny that.

[I'm Not The Only One]

Ahh!
Too much suspense xD
Amazing new chapter - short and sweet. Definitely need to know the answers to those questions! c: