✘ M I S T A K E S ✘

[Holly Dash]

wow, it's so very prettily done. I was amazed all through. in the middle I was more like 'oh goodness, this damsel-in-distress is a bit tiring', but when it got subverted with that blonde guy saying all he said... I just can't wait for more! You are great, so please, don't be ashamed and continue.
don't misunderstand this as laziness, I just don't have anything to critique.

[cheshire.]

This plot is amazing.
When she got stabbed i was all like
'Yeah, i knew it, he's too sexy to be a good guy'
And then we he said his name i was like
'Yeah, like i said, sexy name for a bad guy, horrible name for a good guy'
Then the part about the other guy comes up and im all like
'O-o. . .i so had faith in Savior Boy, i knew he was a good guy to be trusted '


This is an amazing story, i l-o-v-e it!

[Holly Dash]

I found myself sitting there numbly, my mouth having opened as he spoke in a surprise and horror like none other, spreading down every inch of my body as he finished.

aha! I found a mistake in otherwise great work! See, the problem is with the part ...my mouth having opened as he spoke in surprise and horror like none other, spreading down every inch...

except if he spoke with surprise and horror in his voice, which I highly doubt (c'mon, chase knew all this beforehand, and presumably this wasn't the first time he's been here, looking for her) or he was spreading down every inch of her body (which would be kind of odd) I guess you should change the structure of the sentence.

[di-stri]

I found myself sitting there numbly, my mouth having opened as he spoke in a surprise and horror like none other, spreading down every inch of my body as he finished.



aha! I found a mistake in otherwise great work! See, the problem is with the part ...my mouth having opened as he spoke in surprise and horror like none other, spreading down every inch...

except if he spoke with surprise and horror in his voice, which I highly doubt (c'mon, chase knew all this beforehand, and presumably this wasn't the first time he's been here, looking for her) or he was spreading down every inch of her body (which would be kind of odd) I guess you should change the structure of the sentence.


Aha! I actually laughed more than I should have reading over that sentence again. Whoops. Thank you for pointing it out to me, I'll try as best I can to make it sound less weird.


To everybody else who's been speaking kind words about my story over the past few days, thank you! It's really nice to check up on the thread and read all your opinions c:

[Holly Dash]

^^ no problem! continue being great!

[di-stri]

guess who just made a new chapter for the first time in a year [side glances furiously]
obviously i took a break because i forgot to hone my writing skills via old age in order to make the story 10x better, and now i figure i'm old enough and if i'm not better by now i never will be, so i may as well continue. sooner or later i may go through chapters 1-5 and edit them so they sound a bit better and maybe add some to them, but until then i hope yall have the patience to trust maybe this time i won't abandon it again :x enjoy this phresh new chapter guys it's not even entirely done yet

[lynettetan1]

Yay!!!! *starts to stalk furiously again*

[di-stri]

chapter nine is up! gosh, this thing is getting a little long. it's approaching 20 000 words at this point... impressive! i'm not sure when i'll conclude it all, probably a little bit later. thanks for your interest still!! <<:

[cheshire.]

I think you should do a short summary of what's going on. It's been so long that I can't remember a thing xD

[di-stri]

fair enough! i myself had to go over it a couple times and edit everything, not just for syntax but to remember everything :s

so, the extended version:
chapter one // Abigail becomes lost in the city of Perth and, upon finding herself in a shady part of town, notices she's being followed. In an attempt to hide, Abigail makes her way into a dead-end alleyway in which she is ganged up on by a group of thugs. Thankfully, a boy clad in black comes to her aid, whom she promptly names Saviour Boy.
chapter two // Saviour Boy reveals to Abigail that the group that attacked her were named the Darkness, a secret organisation who had a habit of kidnapping the vulnerable and innocent, where Saviour Boy worked for an alternate organisation that tried to stop them. Saviour Boy calls a taxi to take Abigail home.
chapter three // Abigail wakes up during the night to find the Darkness have broken into her home. She hears her friend Annah's screams and runs to her room just in time to see a member of the Darkness (Blonde Boy) kill Annah. Somebody comes up behind Abigail and renders her unconscious, after which she wakes up in a dark warehouse and uses insults to anger Blonde Boy enough to make him hit her.
chapter four // Abigail pretends to have been knocked out by Blonde Boy's blow, and is subsequently dragged into a closet and left there until she awakens. Quickly, Abigail breaks out and avoids the gang members for just long enough so that she can sneak into the main office and steal back the phone they had taken off her. After this, the Darkness manage to find her and chase her to the bottom of the building, where she hides in a shadow and is pulled through a door she didn't notice was there by Saviour Boy. He runs away with her, saving her from the thugs, before stabbing her in the side.
chapter five // Abigail awakens in a hospital room to find a visitor named Chase, who updates her on her situation. Like Saviour Boy, he too is a part of the Light, but tells her that Saviour Boy (who's real name is Jake) has gone rogue and is planning to come back once she's gained consciousness in order to finally finish her off. In the last line, Chase tells Abigail that “Basically, we’ve got to get you out of here now.”

the simplified version:
Abigail was kidnapped and then rescued and stabbed by Saviour Boy, after which she was taken to hospital, and then rescued from that hospital by Chase on account of him likely coming back to finish her off.

and everything on from there is new material! i hope that was an alright synopsis, i wrote it on the bus home :s