The Critique Cafe- Need Active Critics!

[kitten5862]

The people who will be judging will be doing it soon I think as they are coming back in 2 days but not sure when it will end. So if anyone has time to critique mine that'd be really awesome, but it's okay if no one does. (:

[Lirrie]

Ill do yours too kitten

[kitten5862]

Ill do yours too kitten

That would be so awesome, thank you so very much! C:

[Lirrie]

This is a critique for kitten5862!
Who the critique is for: kitten5862
What you had to say about it:

Ok so I love your story although at the beginning you transfer from mum to pup a little to abruptly. Perhaps you could even that out a little more so that it would not be so abrupt. Cause at first i was in the moms point of view them I was in the pups. It did somewhat confuse me. Also you should probably work a little on your personality as well because a good character is not built by their story alone, they must also have twinks that are unique to them. Also work on you reason for wanting her.

I did yours first mostly because they might be coming back at any time to judge.

[tanner]

I would like some critique on my form please!
Username: tanner
Link to your form: viewtopic.php?f=58&t=594698&p=15363821&hilit=tanner#p15363821
Adoption Agency you are applying for: ♪♫ Symphony Character Adoption Agency ♫♪
Deadline for your form: they don't quite know, but I have over two weeks.
Would you prefer to get feedback here or by PM? here please.

[Keriae]

I would like some critique on my form please!
Username: Captain Jade Sparrow
Link to your form: viewtopic.php?f=58&t=535432&p=15368799&hilit=Luka#p15368799
Adoption Agency you are applying for: SLAP (Silver Lining Adoption Place)
Deadline for your form: (Please give us a date as well as the actual day it's due) 22nd July 2011
Would you prefer to get feedback here or by PM? Either is fine by me.

Thank you to anyone who helps!

[Lirrie]

Jade im doing yours now XD

[Keriae]

Lol fail. xD

Thank you. ^.^

[Lirrie]

This is a critique for Captain Jade Sparrow!
Who the critique is for:
What you had to say about it:

F u n - L o v i n g
She is generally fun to be around, when she is in a good mood, which is nearly always. You'll never be bored if you'e around her!

History:

23:51:42 Tuesday 22nd Febuary 2011- The Worst Day of My Life
I never expected it to happen. I was sat on the rug, my Master's young child beside me, feeding me biscuits as they watched the Magic Box. Everything was peaceful. You've no idea what it's like, something so sudden. The whole room began to shake. Shake violently. Dust began to fall from the ceiling. Crumbs of the ceiling joined the dust cloud. Everything was getting smashed. They ran. I ran. They screamed. I screamed. I made it out, but I carried on running. To be honest, I no longer cared about them. It's something that happens when a natural disaster strikes. You only care for yourself in those split seconds that could mean life or death. So I ran. I ran as far and fast as I could, weaving between people's legs. They payed no notice to me. Too worried about themselves or their human families. But soon I had to stop. I fell to the ground, severly exhausted. I later learned that it was a magnitude 6.3 earthquake on the Richter Scale.

20:47 Monday 28th Febuary 2011- Exactly Six Days after the Earthquake
It's all over the news. People buried under the rubble. People missing. People dead. That was all the Blue Cross was worried about. People. Not me. Not my fellow dogs. Fellow mammals. Fellow animals. Many of us had died too, beloved family pets, vermin. It didn't matter. The majority of the animal population of Christchirch had died. After the earthquake, after I had rested for a while, about four days, just laying there, sleeping, I headed back home. And I froze in my tracks, my neck fur rising, my eyes filling with shock. The whole house was down to the ground. And I could just see a small chubby arm sticking out from the rubble. No. Not him! No, no no! I thought, rushing over, tripping over my own paws and my scarf, vision blurred, the rough texture of the concrete and bricks scratching the pads of my paws, thus leaving red smudges behind me. Lowering my head, I took a deep sniff, drawing in scent. He was lost. Gone. Dead. Dead forever.

18:34 Saturday 5th March 2011- One week and Four Days after the Earthquake
I must have fallen into a deep slumber that night, because one moment I was shaking with grief, the next I was blinking open my eyes in a small metal cage, the coolness of the material under me jolting me to wakefulness. I gazed around silenty, wondering what was going on. Only once I had awakened fully did the silence of the place hit me, only broken by the rare whine issued from another canine. This shocked me. Shouldn't there be more noise? It was too quiet for me. Too fragile. So I rose up as far as I could, which only resulted in me hitting my head on the low roof. Before I could stop it, sound erupted from my jaw and that was when the noise started. A loud chorus that rung in my ears, that was bound to be heard by someone. And it was....
Other:
Durpidee[/center]

In blue are the spellining errors ;3


Ok so I love your story, its very descriptive, and action filled. However it appears you put more description into your story then you did your personality. Might wanna build on her character a little, and fix the errors that are in blue. Other thn that great job and good luck.

[Keriae]

This is a critique for Captain Jade Sparrow!
Who the critique is for:
What you had to say about it:

F u n - L o v i n g
She is generally fun to be around, when she is in a good mood, which is nearly always. You'll never be bored if you'e around her!

History:

23:51:42 Tuesday 22nd Febuary 2011- The Worst Day of My Life
I never expected it to happen. I was sat on the rug, my Master's young child beside me, feeding me biscuits as they watched the Magic Box. Everything was peaceful. You've no idea what it's like, something so sudden. The whole room began to shake. Shake violently. Dust began to fall from the ceiling. Crumbs of the ceiling joined the dust cloud. Everything was getting smashed. They ran. I ran. They screamed. I screamed. I made it out, but I carried on running. To be honest, I no longer cared about them. It's something that happens when a natural disaster strikes. You only care for yourself in those split seconds that could mean life or death. So I ran. I ran as far and fast as I could, weaving between people's legs. They payed no notice to me. Too worried about themselves or their human families. But soon I had to stop. I fell to the ground, severly exhausted. I later learned that it was a magnitude 6.3 earthquake on the Richter Scale.

20:47 Monday 28th Febuary 2011- Exactly Six Days after the Earthquake
It's all over the news. People buried under the rubble. People missing. People dead. That was all the Blue Cross was worried about. People. Not me. Not my fellow dogs. Fellow mammals. Fellow animals. Many of us had died too, beloved family pets, vermin. It didn't matter. The majority of the animal population of Christchirch had died. After the earthquake, after I had rested for a while, about four days, just laying there, sleeping, I headed back home. And I froze in my tracks, my neck fur rising, my eyes filling with shock. The whole house was down to the ground. And I could just see a small chubby arm sticking out from the rubble. No. Not him! No, no no! I thought, rushing over, tripping over my own paws and my scarf, vision blurred, the rough texture of the concrete and bricks scratching the pads of my paws, thus leaving red smudges behind me. Lowering my head, I took a deep sniff, drawing in scent. He was lost. Gone. Dead. Dead forever.

18:34 Saturday 5th March 2011- One week and Four Days after the Earthquake
I must have fallen into a deep slumber that night, because one moment I was shaking with grief, the next I was blinking open my eyes in a small metal cage, the coolness of the material under me jolting me to wakefulness. I gazed around silenty, wondering what was going on. Only once I had awakened fully did the silence of the place hit me, only broken by the rare whine issued from another canine. This shocked me. Shouldn't there be more noise? It was too quiet for me. Too fragile. So I rose up as far as I could, which only resulted in me hitting my head on the low roof. Before I could stop it, sound erupted from my jaw and that was when the noise started. A loud chorus that rung in my ears, that was bound to be heard by someone. And it was....
Other:
Durpidee[/center]

In blue are the spellining errors ;3


Ok so I love your story, its very descriptive, and action filled. However it appears you put more description into your story then you did your personality. Might wanna build on her character a little, and fix the errors that are in blue. Other thn that great job and good luck.

Thanks. ^.^