Lie down beside me, and float with me through this desolate place. I’ve been waiting for you for too long.
No. Run away. I don’t need you here. I’m happy floating by myself. The energy is running through my arteries, through my heart, and into my blood. I am one and there is no one else to take my place. Not you. Not anyone else. You are free to die. I can’t stop swaying to this music that surrounds us, it is beginning to speak to me. It tells me to encapsulate you within my soul. Must I trust it? I swallow you whole, head first, inside of me. I envelope you and we are now one. I feel every single part of you. Is this how you’ve always felt? The membrane is breaking, and you are released from my abdomen. The blood spills onto the blank canvas, relinquishing the stars, the planets, and everything. We have killed the universe. No, it was I alone. I am now alone. Alone, I sway. I was once not alone. I had lived in the idea of you, but when you have finally reached my perception I devour you whole. Do I regret it? Without a reply, I sway.
Sink, sink, sink, sink, sink. I’ve been swallowed. I’ve been spat out. I am a destroyer. I have done nothing. I don’t understand. Do you? Can you please explain it to me? I am lost. I’m very stupid, sorry, I didn’t catch that. Hit it. Faster. No, you can’t hit. Too weak. Your hits are nothing. You’re not trying. It’s not fun. May I please play with someone else? It’s okay. No. Hit it. It’s dying. You’re killing it. What are you doing. It’s not funny. Stop it. Stop. It’s annoying. You’re annoying. I’m annoying. Yes, I am. Stop denying it, you’re doing it to comfort me. Oh, now you’re agreeing with me. A tiny part of me is disappointed, because it wanted someone else to fight for me when I am against myself. I suppose it is the whole world and yourself and against you. It makes sense. Pathetic people lose themselves within their own body. I’m not pathetic.
It’s okay. You’re safe here. I don’t care if you’re bad, I can teach you. It doesn’t matter. Hit it if you wish, or don’t. That’s okay, it will always exist. The important thing is that you’ll need to cope up with it, and that will make you better than all of those that have already given up when they’ve reached this far. You can make it. You can, okay? I believe you. I want to believe you so badly. Please keep me safe. I don’t think I want to open my eyes. I wish you were real. Is this real. It doesn’t feel like it. Maybe if I repeat it enough times it will finally come true. Please say that is the truth. I need a comforting lie. You tell me the truth? My mind will believe the saccharine lie. I must. I don’t know any other way. Dance with me. Move. It’s so nice here. The wind is fondling my face and it is so gentle and soft and I feel so safe. It’s too safe. It’s too nice. I don’t belong here.
Nothing. Death.
Let’s escape this old town, hand in hand, running away from our lives. It’s too romantic -- isn’t it? Too perfect, the idea of a perfect life together after we escape the only factor that separates our blossoming romance. It is utterly repulsive. I hate you. Tears. You belong in the arms of someone else. I dance alone. You chase after me, I steal a bicycle and fly straight towards the moon. I look back. You are kissing the muzzle of a revolver. I close my eyes, I hear a loud noise. I lick my lips. Salt and metal. Delicious.
I miss you so much. I’m on mars now. I am wearing the clothes of my grandfather, who has passed. I miss him too, even though I’ve never met him. Or the other one. I’m not sure which one I’m referring to. Most probably, both. I miss a lot of people right now. I’m probably in love with the concept of them. They’re so beautiful, in theory. Why am I not compatible with your beauty. I don’t care about physicality. I want to embrace you beyond such artificial things. They are futile in comparison to your abundance. You are humanity. I love you so much, yet I have abandoned you. I am running away. I am a coward. Quitter.
Coffins of the two people I’ve had the privilege of looking at the most. I am laughing. I am not sure whether it is due to the fact that I am overwhelmed or whether an innate mechanism within me. The earth is dead. No more trees that stand proudly in its humble existence. No more clouds that playfully prance through the cyan blue sky. There is nothing but a blank circle, with only two coffins remaining. I am still laughing. It’s so funny. I still don’t understand why.You appear in front of me. I stop laughing. I am tired. On the ground, my knees have given up on me like everything else that once belonged to me. You made me believe in my eyes. They watched you, gracefully, dance on top of the coffins like a ballerina in her prime. It’s so beautiful; of course, the words that I have chosen to describe you is pathetic. It is a sin to only describe it as such, yet not even the most extravagant of sentences can even match the complexity of the emotions within me as you kissed my eyes with your presence alone. You take a step forward, a hand reaching forward. I reach out mine. You crush my hand. I am smiling. You shove me into the ground. You destroy the coffins. I am so happy. The back of my head is bleeding. You pin me underneath the grass, your mouth too close to my neck. Your fingers explore my cheeks. I wish to do the same to your porcelain face but I am limp. I want to kiss you. You tear me apart with one bite. I need you. You tear my throat out with one bite. I need you. You tear my torso with your hands and bash my head in with the lid of the coffin until my face is nothing but a slight reminiscence of grounded pork. Kiss me once more, please. Destroy me. I feel enlightenment. This is my path. Finally, free.
[oct 2017]
