── your past becomes your god

[lol]

she's walking in a zig-zag pattern down the sidewalk to get to her mom's car. she feels like the whole damn world is staring at her. nature perches on her shoulders, critters fall from her leisure, and her stomach boils like evaporating egg yolk sizzling in a frying pan. the sidewalk underneath her feet changes colors while her hands profusely sweat with the rain creasing from her eyes. it feels like the walk to her mom's car is further away with each step. where is she? what is she doing with her life? is she worthless? the banging of her heart feels like a gang of horses running for their own freedom, but where's her freedom? the benches and the green bushes that are pressed against the wall of a small trailer building look like they're reforming to grab her helplessly. the clicking of her shoes clack in a pressed ticking of a clock. her cheeks are so flushed they're burning like a fresh batch of sliced tomatoes thrown into marinated olive oil that is rotting in a basil salad. she's sad, but is she really sad? her body turns to catastrophically cross the street of vacant cars just to reach her mom's. the exhaust pipes of those cars are running slowly as well as her legs. just who is sitting in those unoccupied cars? as her one of her clumsy hands reaches out to open the backseat of her mom's car, she stops in the middle of the monochromatic road. several doubts cross her mind almost as if she wanted to retreat and just run off— disappear. she was useless, wasn't she? shaking her head, she decided to allow her simmering worries bubble like any other day, and carefully she opens the left-side door of the car.
"hey honey, how was your day?" her mom greets her, her voice lulling in a much more soothing fashion. it only leads the girl to believe that there was going to be an up-rift about her future soon. as her body presses back into the seat of the car, her figure tends to mold into an uncomfortable position. her mothers knows that she knows her worries about her imminent life. trying not to drop her act, the girl dips her head forward to see her brother sitting in the passenger seat dead asleep. his neck craned backwards into a monkey neck pillow. his lips pursed in a peaceful purr as his hands would occasionally twitch from his adventurous dream. the girl pushed herself back into her seat for a moment to think. her mom and brother were both protected from the outside world. they had no clue what it was like to be like... her. her long fingernails corrected into her jeans for reassurance until her head slid upwards to respond. her mom was no longer paying attention to her and rather keeping her sunglasses tilted in the direction of her rearview mirror. as the car rifted forward, the girl turned her head to look out the window whilst her hands grabbed for her headphones. the only real escape of monstrosity that she was in— music. sighing gently, she regained the courage to speak again, and cleared her throat.
"fine mom. it was just fine."

[lol]

it's taken me awhile to regroup my thoughts, myself, and my hospitality. i had a falling through the last three weeks and it was a living hell for me. it still is, but... with a few self-care days, and this week being a huge break for me, i think i'll make it. i've started to supplement my meals more, take more baths, go out to take some walks, housed a few plants (cross your fingers, i hope they won't die), kept my skin-care routine in check, and most importantly— talked to some of my friends. i've stepped out of the casket of fire that i've been boiling myself in. i need to peel away from bubbling everything up inside myself. it's an awful habit that i keep trying to break from, but never actually follow through with. let's just hope i can keep myself on this slow-rising high that i'm dusting myself on. i don't ever want to sink back down to where i was several weeks ago, but it's possible. the demon that's hosting me still lurks just around the corner, and i want to put an end to our acquaintanceship.

[lol]

eenie meenie miney mo
tell me where to go
catch the tiger if it's grown
it lurks out on its own
preferably catch it by its toes
if it hollers, let him go!
eenie meenie miney mo

[lol]

a modern house for a mouse
would belie inside a wedge of swiss cheese.
the dormant animal
finds comfort in the hedges that is considered
the curve of a bedroom.
there’s no room for holes in a house
so the digging is the job of the mouse.
as for cheese, the work is done.

[lol]

they're tired. i'm tired. we're all tired.
i'm ready to lay down and rest my tired eyes.
they're ready to lay down and rest their tired eyes.
let's doze off together baby.

[lol]

lights and a sore throat. soup and a candle. earth and the rubbish color of pink nail polish.

you're screaming so loudly under the rainbow spectrum lights. the concert is a blaring hoot. the soles of your shoes are practically hotter than hell and hades combined. your hair is drenched with what you presume is sweat or some kid's gurgled up candy floss— lost in bits through their own intangible excitement. you know you're going to stir with a sore throat the eve after, but it's worth it. soup succors the inflammatory disease to a third degree. soup and a warm candle washes against your flesh. you're rocking side to side in your bed as if partaking a bumpy journey on the seven seas. the candle wax is melting upon your nightstand, but you don't care— it's worth it. that's how the world works, earth spins on and on. earth and its musky fog, dewy spring rain, wildfires upon fires, tug-of-war winds, intangible tsunamis on the break of ruining lives, and a speckle of pink nail polish. the alcoholic smell is enough to drive you to hysteria, but you lather the nail polish on your nose, cheeks, lips, nails, and legs. you're coated in nail polish! but you just don't care because it was fun.

xxxxxxit's
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxall
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxfun
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxand
xxintangible.

[lol]

bookmark me and smile
bookmarking has importance
bookmark this and guff

[lol]

untouched and unwanted
she craved missing it and him
the monster's touch.

[lol]

i think i'm going to flee
i'm dancing on the sea
my mind is spinning like vertigo
i see distant things like a chateau
the drumming of the water sinks
and i'm left with forty winks.

shortly my unaspiring demise is to come
but i'm too slow, too dumb
i haven't yet succumb like everyone else
i feel tainted pain across my forehead
it's starting to become florid, florid, florid.

it's okay now.
it was going to happen somehow.

time is of the essence
but i'm not made up of quintessence
feelings and doubts combined
i think i'm going to resign
like socrates, i keep questioning myself
i'm trying to outsmart ancient books on a shelf—

but alas. . .

i think i'm going to flee
i'm dancing on the sea.

[lol]

really feel like a sad sack lately and i'm not sure where and why this is happening. i'm most indifferent and on top of how i feel, but this depressive wave is hitting me like an uncorked hurricane. i feel like i'm on the brink of an awful meltdown and i'm not sure what's going to cause me to snap— but i do know, that when i do happen to snap, it won't be healthy or pleasant. i've also been taking a lot of naps recently and seem to be prone to having awful, awful, god-awful headaches! my health is deteriorating just at the start of the day, and it feels... pathetic. i just hope this storm-front moves away soon because i want to go back to feeling like me & feeling somewhat merry. it sucks being stuck in this rut, and it especially sucks when you don't know where it came from or how to prevent it.

let's just hope everything ends well. please send me your prayers via telepathy. anyways, good day / afternoon / night. may you be blessed.