Kree. [ please comment/critique ] [ finished ]

[SapphiraCain]

Hey, really enjoying this story at the moment.
Creativity
- The story seems quite original and interesting, quite hard to maintain but you're doing a great job so far. I hope you have some amazing idea's for the rest of the plot ^^ And the story's trotting along quite nicely. I still have a lot of questions about the themes and story line but I'm assuming we'll have those answered as the story goes.
- The characters are quite unique and seem to have interesting back stories, I hope they'll be expanded later on.
- There's not much dialogue and who's saying what can sometimes be a little confusing (I mean, you can work it out although it would make it easier if you put a name to it).
Technique
- The length of the chapters are fine, I'm usually easy on both; whether they're long or short but I must say, the short chapters really help the pace of this story.
- There are a few spelling mistakes in the first chapter (nothing major to really mention) but thought you might want to know them to keep your writing look more professional. I haven't found any more so good job. You might want to use more than comma's though. Colons and semi-colons are a great way to separate sentences.

ｏｎｅ.

"Again, Kree."
He could feel the intense gaze of his father burning into his body, only bearable by his mother's gentle aura wreathing around him as he perfected the silent sprint. Once the mouse was trapped in his paws, he quickly ended it's life to ensure that he didn't look like a coward in front of his father.
The question bounced off the trunks of every tree as the distant family padded back to their cave in the pale light of dusk.
At that moment, Zorr's head whipped around to glare at his mother, his intimidating gaze just grazing the top of the white Kakushi's head as fury radiated off of him in waves.

- And your technique's extremely effective in setting the scene, maybe you could also use it to describe your characters more. Josiah was described very vaguely and I would love to get a better image for him if he plays a big part of the story.


For the summary, I would definitely peg this down as a Mystery/Fantasy. And you could maybe describe the main character and the fact that the story follows him?
Note: I love the use of the Glossary, definitely helped.


Sorry this is so long but hope this helps in your writing and I look forward to reading more.
~ Sapphira

[Kaerie]

This is an extremely interesting story :3 I think it's been said, but it's slightly hard to follow. In particular I'm not entirely sure what species these characters are, but I picture something similar to a cat or a fox. Still, the plot is definitely an attention grabber, and I'm curious to know what happened to his sister, and perhaps more about his mother.

[Asherwy]

@SapphiraCain&Annalyn= Thank you guys so much for the feedback, I'll definitely incorporate it into the following chapters. I've had comments about how confusing it is, so I'll try to change that ;3

[cookies.]

This is really good! ^^ Keep up the good work. I love reading this. I read it like a book in my hands. xD I like the layout too. It's really neat.

[Asherwy]

This is really good! ^^ Keep up the good work. I love reading this. I read it like a book in my hands. xD I like the layout too. It's really neat. :)

D'awwww thanks ;3

[Asherwy]

ｓｅｖｅｎ.

Odd. So very odd.
"Cookie?"
Kree had accepted the invitation, and Josiah made his stubby hands meet so quickly that it made a satisfying clack sound. Wondering what that was, he twitched one ear, watching as the little gingerbread creature scurried to the same hole in which he entered. The small figure scrambled up to the opening, a miniature shower of grit dislodged by the sudden movement.
"Just a moment Kree."
His voice echoed, seeming uncomfortably distant to the under-sized Kakushi as he waited. Crick. A pebble tumbled from the side wall. Crrrraaaackkkk. He felt a slight rumble emitting from the stone underneath his paws. Shhhhhfffppppp. An part of the wall shaped like an arch sunk into the grey rock, swallowing the piece of cobble. The hole that Josiah had vanished in was at the center of the arch-shaped stone, descending into the floor as well. The white pup raised his round head, as his new companion appeared in the place where the arch had disappeared. His companion was silhouetted, which means light was behind him. It was orange. It was warm. It was just like Josiah.
"Let's go Kree."
The voice was the same as the one Kree had heard when he first arrived. Welcoming, calm, warm. Blinking once, the white Kakushi followed as soon as Josiah turned away towards the light, his white frame barely visible against the sudden brightness. White spots littered the Kakushi's vision for a few moments, but soon adjusted. It was pretty. The two had emerged from a wall, it wasn't stone. It was decorated with gold and so many other colours he had never seen. The rest of his surroundings were grand, the floor was soft like spring grass at home. All of the structures looked like they could be slept on. Some had little objects on top. A memory. Sienne had described something like this to him before. Human Mansion.
"Kree."
He looked at Josiah.
"Keizen also means radiant."

← chp. 6

chp. 8 →

note; judging from the recent comments(as well as the majority) i've decided to
put character profiles up front, i'll let you guys know once it's done ;3

intro post

[Psixi]

This story is very good. I especially love the huge role voices and sounds play. I'm not drawn into the plot or actual characters. The story- how to put it- I like it because, well, if a story was a painting, I wouldn't feel drawn to it because it was interesting or had touching characters, but because it was beautiful. Yes, I think I definitely read this because here, words aren't used to tell a story, but are used to show beauty.

[Asherwy]

This story is very good. I especially love the huge role voices and sounds play. I'm not drawn into the plot or actual characters. The story- how to put it- I like it because, well, if a story was a painting, I wouldn't feel drawn to it because it was interesting or had touching characters, but because it was beautiful. Yes, I think I definitely read this because here, words aren't used to tell a story, but are used to show beauty.

Thanks so much for the feedback! I'm glad you like it ;3

[cookies.]

{ asdfghjkl I love this story so much<3 Keep it going! ^^ It's really starting to get more suspense!!! Can't wait for the next chapter.

[Asherwy]

{ asdfghjkl I love this story so much<3 Keep it going! ^^ It's really starting to get more suspense!!! Can't wait for the next chapter. :)

Kyaaaaahhhhhhh ovo thank youuuuu