Lycan Story [Title a WIP]

[wolves+horses]

I doubt anyone cares now since it's been so long, but I added more. Also, I changed Ch.1 into a prologue and Ch.2 into Ch.1

[Hobbit Geek]

This is amazing

[wolves+horses]

Heh, thanks. (imagine the 2 combined) It's been almost a month since I worked on this, [gosh ] but I think I'm going to try working on it more often now. It just took me a while (as in, like at least a week or two) to figure out everything I could about the full plot, world, character personalities, and how everything works. But I think it was worth it to plan! I feel so much more confident about continuing now! [Yay! ]

[Hobbit Geek]

Well I can't wait to read more

[Rolly-chan]

Hey, it's me again. Sorry for the long wait again. My relatives came to visit (aunt from Latvia and my brother and his girlfriend) and stayed with us for a while. In fact, they're still here, but I have some time right now.
I'll leave the grammar/orthography part out for now. The first chapter content-wise is much more interesting, isn't it? xD
So, here is the promised critique (I'll post the one for the prologue in my next post again so you have it all in one place and so it's divided better, I hope that's okay for you):

Chapter 1

1) Scene - holistic view

Same as before, I'll use my checklist.

Characters:
This scene still features Vanessa and Jason, and it introduces Brandon - the alpha of Vanessa's pack. But none of the others. I'll start with your characterisation of Brandon here and then go over to Vanessa and Jason.
From Vanessa's point of view, you portray Brandon as very strong, intelligent, intimidating and clever. However, the instances when Vanessa is thinking of him as clever and intelligent, he actually isn't. For example, when you're writing

"What's your name?" he proceeded to ask. It was such an innocent question - but innocent questions led to easy discoveries, if one knew how to use them correctly and evaluate the power of the answer and how it was given.

Yes, some say to know someone's name gives you power over them. But unless you're playing some psychological tactics that are usually used with those wanting to commit suicide (or with terrorists, kidnappers, or hostage takers), you're only going to get the name of the person with that question. There's no subliminal message hidden in it.
Same with the other questions like "How old are you?" or "You seem to be pretty nervous" - they're not really all that clever. Because what will Brandon get out of them? If he wants to off Jason, he could just do so. If he wanted information, he could just trap Jason and torture him. Why does he need to know his age? You know more about your own story than any of us readers, so I now expect that age is very important for lycans. Both age and name, actually.

Vanessa stayed true to her personality. She's a little impatient, but it's not like she wasn't in the first scene. She's also still very analytical, and I think you'll have no problem keeping her in-character.
Jason is another matter. Again, he's asking questions that sound a bit strange. Like

"Could you? I mean, your name might be just a little important if I'm going to address you."

Wouldn't you rather say something along the lines of "I don't know how to call you"? What Jason's saying is implying that he prepares to stick to Vanessa for a while. I'm not sure if you were intending that.
Other than that, you have him portrayed as the same scared, meek character as before.
Or maybe you have intended to create a different dynamic between Jason and Vanessa, which could explain the rather strange dialogue between them. It's only minor, though.

Conflict:
Now you add Brandon into the equation. And now the conflicts have shifted a little. We have Vanessa, who's now afraid of what Brandon might do to Jason - she doesn't want to hurt him or have Brandon hurt him. Jason seems afraid of Brandon too, so Vanessa and him are united in their feelings - they build one side of the conflict, while Brandon is probably contemplating what to do with the boy. Or maybe he already has decided and wants to play with him a little. He's unpredictable, and that's worrying Vanessa.
Basically, the conflict is whether or not Jason will survive his encounter with Vanessa's alpha. However, you haven't finished the conflict in that scene. It ends when Vanessa realises that she has to stay out of Brandon's interaction with Jason. If that's what you wanted to say all along, you might want to shift the focus of the scene then. Make it more apparent that it's between the two guys and that Vanessa's involvement isn't wanted by Brandon, but maybe is wanted by Jason. You already did this a little by having Jason initiate eye contact with Vanessa, for example. Or at the end when Brandon makes it clear he doesn't want being interrupted by Vanessa. Make Vanessa try to involve herself more. Make her try to butt in to the conversation/interrogation more. If it's more about the delicate situation Jason has found himself in, whether he'll survive this or not, then you might want to keep going with the scene until you have a (temporary) conclusion.

Action:
There's still not very much happening aside from Brandon joining the group and interrogating Jason. But it's there, so all's good ^^

Change/Beginning, point of change, ending:
At the beginning of the scene, Vanessa is afraid for Jason and doesn't know what to expect from her alpha, then the alpha is there and she sees how he's asking apparently innocent questions. She still doesn't know whether it's a good or a bad thing, but at least Brandon hasn't tried to kill Jason yet. At the end, she understands that it will be Brandon's decision, maybe it will be based on what Jason answers, maybe not, she doesn't know. See what I've written above about the conflict, but other than that, everything's cool ^^

Dialogue:
I've told you most things about the dialogue under characters already, so here just a very short section.
You show how Jason feels uncomfortable talking about what happened that he ran away. It's not something he likes to discuss, so he tries to keep it hidden. That's very understandable if it's something horrible (which it probably was - what reasons could there be that a kid actually runs away from home so far? They must be bad, especially when he's also saying he doesn't want his dad to find him), and it makes the readers - us - want to know what happened. Why he is in the lycan territory far away from home.
You also demonstrated the dynamic between Brandon and Vanessa pretty well through the dialogue and subtext. How Brandon has almost complete dominance over her. How she's so very submissive to him. With little things like her first addressing him as "Alpha", and getting nervous in his presence. He is the alpha, after all, but you did this very well! ^^

Setting:
There's not much to the setting this time because we're still almost at the same place. You describe how it's still dark (moonlight), but not how it gets lighter, although we get a hint that it might be because Jason asked Vanessa to wait for morning before contacting her pack.
More details about the place they are at wouldn't hurt. Just subtly built-in - like Brandon stepping forward and in the process some leaves on the ground are rustling dangerously. Or maybe the rising sun with its soft light belies the direness and seriousness of the situation. Such things that contradict or complement the situation.

Involvement of the readers' senses:
As I said earlier, you have some moonlight, a titmouse making a sound, the description of Vanessa's imagined reaction ("If I'd been in wolf form, my hackles would have bristled then") and some body language. There's not much in this scene, so it would be good if you added some.

Interesting and entertaining:
I'd say it is again. Maybe it's a little much with Vanessa's thoughts, although it does match her character, but it might still be a bit boring almost for the readers. Else, it IS very suspenseful because no one knows what Brandon will do and what he's thinking.

Moving the plot/story forward:
A definitive yes to this scene. It shows how Brandon appears and we want to find out what he's going to do next. And he will decide in the very near future.

2) Scene - micro critique

DESCRIPTION

You did a wonderful job again with Vanessa's thoughts and some passages are simply beautiful. Very poetic and pretty ^.^
For example your description of Jason's hair:

"an even distribution of black, but always with a tint of very reddish brown outlining it, making it seem (to me at least) that the rich color was hiding somewhere inside the shadows of blackness."

Although I'd cross out the part in the brackets. It makes the sentence less beautiful. We know it's Vanessa thinking it, since it's from her point of view in first person.
Also passages like

There was obviously something here that would make perfect sense if he could just give me the right puzzle piece.

are really pretty and nice. Or maybe I'm biased because I like puzzles and the world puzzle x"D

Then the first time you introduce the name Brandon, you put in brackets after his name that he's the alpha. That's not necessary at all. Let the reader find out through the story. You say he's the alpha in dialogue later on, so there's no chance someone won't get it.

Then there's Vanessa calling the tension "nails-on-chalkboard-like" - but how does she know what a chalkboard is if she's living in the forest, away from schools? Or was she once a human too? If yes, then that's okay, but if she wasn't, you can't really use those words precisely because it's in first person.

OTHER

Your pacing of the scene is very slow again, but despite Vanessa's excessive thoughts it's really good for this scene to pace it slow! It's a very important one because the stakes are high and the situation very tense - which is when slow pacing works best. As always, your paragraphs are great Keep it up!

[Rolly-chan]

Here's the critique for the prologue:

PROLOGUE

1) Scene - holistic view

My checklist is as follows: does the scene contain - characters, conflict, action, change, dialogue, setting, involvement of the readers' senses, beginning, point where things change, clear ending, and is the scene interesting and entertaining, and does it move the plot/story forward.
I'll go into each of those a bit more in-depth now.

Characters:
Clearly, the scene does have two characters: Vanessa and Jason. Of course we only learn their names in the second scene, chapter one.
From that scene a few things become apparent that should later play some role and be explained: Vanessa is hiding what she calls her "personal haven" from her own pack. She was feeling distressed and uneasy before for months. She emphasizes that it's her own home, something that only belongs to her, that only she is privy to. This all makes her interesting, because we as readers don't know the why behind it all. And we want to know.
Then, from her initial reaction to the sound of something approaching, she doesn't come off as a fighter. She's cautious and would rather not have a direct confrontation. That is until she realizes the other party isn't just some animal, but maybe a Lycan like herself. Apparently, territory is sacred to them, so her instincts kick in and she's aggressive towards the other. All logical and clear.
But then something strikes her as odd about that other person. And she's intrigued, which means she's a curious person. She likes to discover.
Then, she tries to dominate him. Make herself out as the stronger of them, probably on instict, too. But she doesn't appear to be very experienced with encounters like this. Or she's just so surprised she doesn't act the way she normally would.
She's also irritated by Jason's confusion, which makes me think she doesn't even try to empathize, doesn't try to understand. She seems to be living in her Lycan world wholly, not at all wondering about what else is out there, not for one minute considering Jason might not be a Lycan. Which is what got me a bit confused, because she is at the same time curious and ignorant.
I don't know if that's what you intended, or if you wanted to show her confusion by that, and it's only a really minor thing, so it's nothing to fret over. ^^
Jason is another issue. He appears to be insecure, subservient and meek. There's only one break of his characterization: when he says "Gee, thanks for making fun of me". It doesn't fit. At first he immediately tries to pacify Vanessa, seeming to fear her a little, then comes this break, and then he goes back to insecure and meek. And he stays so throughout chapter one too. So that's a part you should probably edit out.

Conflict:
Vanessa is first interrupted enjoying her favourite place (minor conflict), then intrigued by Jason and wants to know who he is and what he's doing in her pack's territory (major conflict in this scene), while Jason just wanted to go somewhere (as we know from the next scene, chapter one, he simply wants to get away from home, and Vanessa is holding him up). Their needs clash. And that's conflict
There's not much else to say to the prologue. Other than that your prologue could also be called chapter one instead. Just keep in mind that prologues are very very overdone, and that if you were to try to publish this story, you'd have a very hard time finding an editor or publisher who'll overlook that. They're very suspicious of prologues, because most of them are awful, especially if it's an unpublished writer. Plus, prologues usually deal with events that lie a bit farther in the past if the rest of the story is in the present, or they are set in the present and the rest of the story, safe for the ending, is set in the past. Or for mysteries, sometimes the prologue shows a murder taking place before the rest of the story follows a detective or someone who's trying to uncover the crime.

Action:
Vanessa visits her favourite place and discovers a human boy, she interrogates him and he makes it difficult for her. So yes, there's some action. Not much else to say for action. Things move, which is important for keeping your readers' attention and interest

Change:
By the beginning of the scene, Vanessa doesn't know about Jason and who he is. By the end of it she knows he's a human and is puzzled by her being a Lycan. And the reader notices that it's something that changes everything for her. You've done that well ^^ Can't complain about anything xD

Dialogue:
Doesn't always have to be in a scene, but here it is. So, check.
First of all: Dialogue is there to demonstrate character through conflict. And you've done it right and well
The dialogue is all about their confusion. It demonstrates that Vanessa is both confused and irritated, that she wants and needs to know who Jason is, and it demonstrates that Jason is insecure and subservient. That he doesn't quite know what's happening. He also needs to know who Vanessa is to understand what's going on. By the end of it the conflict - their confusion - is resolved, sort of. It's concluded by Vanessa realizing that Jason's not a Lycan. Which at least clears her confusion somewhat. It makes her understand why Jason was confused.
As I said, the only thing I have a problem with is Jason's "Gee, thanks for making fun of me".

Setting:
They're in a forest by a creek. Check.
You're describing it from Vanessa's point of view and she sees it as something magical and ethereal. It could do with a bit more description of the place, but as it is, it's good ^^

Involvement of the readers' senses:
Sight (moonlight, slender summer leaves, rock carpet, creek, ...) - check, smell (scent of moisture) - check, feel (breeze, pinpricks of mist pulsing along her skin, smooth rock carpet, ...) - check, sound (flowing of the creek, rustling of leaves, her own breathing, ...) - check. There are four senses engaged, which is pretty good ^^

Beginning, point of change, and ending:
Each scene has to be a story in miniature, so it has to include a beginning, a middle and an ending.
Beginning - Vanessa enjoys her "personal haven", point of change - Vanessa notices something walking through the woods, ending - Vanessa finds out that the boy doesn't know what a Lycan is and therefore probably isn't a Lycan himself. Check

Interesting and entertaining:
That's probably highly subjective, but I'd say it is. Because we don't know why Jason is there, in the middle of a forest, and because Vanessa didn't off him like she probably would have tried if she didn't notice something odd about Jason. Entertaining? I'd say a little. Nothing that dramatic is happening, but we do see a confrontation between human and Lycan, and it's a bit funny how neither of them understands why the other doesn't understand xD
Plus, I'd really like to know why Vanessa was so distressed before and why she's hiding that place from her pack. Which leads me to the question what would be normal for a pack. I'd imagine they have a very strong sense of family, that they do almost everything together, that privacy isn't really in their vocabulary, and stuff like that. So yes, it's interesting ^^

Moving the plot/story forward:
The scene does because they each find out the other isn't who they look like they are - which requires some explanation.
Plus, Vanessa has to decide what to do about him. He's trespassed her pack's territory, after all. And Jason's fate is not at all certain. They will both have to act soon.

I've also done the first scene more in-depth now. The "micro-critique", meaning, looking more closely at the single paragraphs and things withing this one scene.

2) Scene - micro critique

I'll begin with
DESCRIPTION

First off: you did a very good description at first glance already. You provide enough information to visualize the scene without the description being too importunate.

At first, you build up a serene, magical atmosphere, and your description does that well. I don't have anything to complain about here. Maybe (!) if you feel you have a little too much in the wrong places, but only if (!), then just ask yourself whether you

• engage readers' senses
• describe what's different
• describe what's necessary for the plot
• build up atmosphere

If you do any of the above, by all means, keep it.
But, in all honesty, I really like your way of describing, and to my mind, you can keep it as it is and develop as you gain more experience (it will probably develop all by itself xD).

Next, you create a disturbance in the atmosphere by describing the sounds of rustling leaves, etc. that shouldn't be there. That's good. But what I wonder is... are your lycans like actual wolves? With the instincts and superior senses and all that? If so, Vanessa should have smelled Jason way before she heard him. And by the smell she should have known instantly that he's not a lycan.
If they only have enhanced hearing, well, then everything's fine ^^

On we go: You wrote

no color, no form: Just a moving shadow. That happened to have the outline of a person I didn't recognize.

This is just a minor logical error, nothing too hard to fix. If it has no form, it can't have an outline. Just wanted to point that out ^^

Then there's this:

Those were the only thoughts

after Vanessa realizes it's probably a lycan. This doesn't fit her characterization. You make Vanessa out to be someone highly analytical, someone who likes to think and thinks a lot. Just re-read your prologue. There are things like
"curious as to which of my pack-mates was wandering around near my personal haven"
"Had they followed me? But it was coming from the direction opposite of which I came"
"I hoped it was some unaggressive black bear"
"I imagined myself sighing. Why did my body have to react so ridiculously?"
"Then again, a paranoid corner of my brain stubbornly whispered, [...]"

And this is only on the first one and a half pages of the word document I copied the story to - the scene goes on in the same fashion. So Vanessa is someone who'll hardly ever have only one train of thoughts.

In this context, what may be a bit too much are actually Vanessa's thoughts. Especially her questions. We already know she's surprised Jason's acting the way he is. We don't need a second and third reminder. So stuff like
"I assumed it was from the shock of running into me. But why was that shocking in the first place"
is unnecessary, and many turn off readers because they might think you don't trust them to be smart enough to understand this the first time.
Also, things like "Even more disturbing was the fact that he didn't seem very suspicious of me" aren't needed either - it's telling, and you as a writer want to show. "He had no sense of caution [...]" and what follows is enough to describe his lack of caution.
"Apparently he was quite exasperated. As if I wasn't!" is another example of this. That's laying it on thick.

Then there are some minor phrases I found a bit unfitting.

Luxuries were limited in the wild.

for example. That's a strange thought for Vanessa to have if she never experienced the other side - not being in the wild. How can she know that luxuries aren't limited if you're elsewhere?

You also describe Jason's eye color at some point. Is that an important detail for the plot or for character development? If not, you don't need it.

As I approached, he stood up as fast as he could

This is also one of those character perspective things. Vanessa can't possibly know if he really tried to stand up as fast as he could. She can only observe that he's trying to stand up hastily or rushed, or other adjectives like that. Those don't require special knowledge she can't have.

I already talked about the next bit in the holistic critique/review, and here's what I have to add to

"Gee, thanks for making fun of me"

This part here misses the point of the scene. Your point is a human and a lycan clashing. Not only does it break with Jason's characterization, it also breaks with the scene. So that part you can cross out without any worries. It's only distracting from what your scene actually is showing.

You did a really good job with the conflict, though. These things don't mean you failed it.
You stayed focused on the conflict almost all the time, and your scene is a completed scene - something changes.
Vanessa wants to be alone at first, but Jason ruins that for her. Then she wants to know why he's there and why he's so confused, but he's also confused and makes it hard for Vanessa to get useful information out of him, since he wants information just as much.
Then Vanessa changes gradually. At fist she's curious, finding it intriguing. Then she gradually wants to find out more and more information about Jason because he's so different and atypical for a lycan.
You did a really great job ^^

OTHER

This scene is written in slow pacing. You described much, used several adjectives and adverbs, wrote longer sentences, described and/or let your character think a lot in-between the dialogue. This is quite okay for a beginning scene. You introduce us to this world in which lycans exist, and it's nice to have a slow start.

And, you have great paragraphing skills! Your paragraphs all make sense and aren't too short. The writing looks much neater that way ^^ And it reads more smoothly.

The grammar and orthography critique you'll get next time. This is what I have so far.
I hope it helps somehow! ^_^