「 please just show me a smile 」

[traumereii]

the only thing that greets your senses is the sweeping expanse of white before you. when you breathe, your breath crystalizes into something tangible, and for the briefest of moments, you can barely feel the biting cold enter your lungs.

"so this is antarctica," the person next to you mumbles, echoing your thoughts. you stare mutely as the other person takes several shuffling steps forward on the platform, eyes firmly and solemnly fixed on the icebergs as though they were afraid that the ice would disintegrate should they look away for even a second. "sorry, this is going to take me some time to process. this all still feels like a dream." they laugh breathlessly, their breath materializing and hovering over their face like a white cloud, and you ponder.

it's not that you don't agree, but... "but it's not. a dream, i mean. we worked hard for this to happen. what we're witnessing now is just the fruits of our labour."

they hum noncommittally in response.

you let them have their moment. everyone has their own reasons for wanting to traverse antarctica's unforgiving terrain, but you aren't ever one to pry. hands moving up to grip the camera hanging around your neck, you try to ground yourself as best as you can when facing the last frontier of the world.

(you think back to your own monotonous mundanity and recall just how stifled you felt. you remember wanting to run away, as far away as possible, and here you are now, some thousands of miles away from home. if you close your eyes and forget about the money, time and energy you spent on this expedition, then you could almost delude yourself into thinking that this truly was a dream.

it's a shame, then, that you've always been more of a realist, and if there was nothing else you learned from anecdotes of other travelers, other researchers, then you at least know how unforgiving this deceptively simple spread of ice was.

it consumed everyone who dared to take it for granted.)

a heavy hand on your shoulder jolts you out of your thoughts, and you look up to see (your friend? your companion?) the other person's thinly veiled concern behind their face mask and snow goggles. "you doing okay? you've been really quiet since we got here."

the thing is, you thought about lying. you thought about brushing off their concern, playing it off as just being tired, but when you're faced with pure, unblemished white for as far as your eyes can see, you feel compelled to be honest. a knot forms in your stomach, but you think that in the wake of being on a continent so far removed from the rest of society, it doesn't matter what your truth is. there's no one else here, save for the other person and perhaps the other members of your expedition still bustling around inside the base.

you shiver. you can't tell if it's because of the cold or something else.

"i don't really know how i'm supposed to feel now that i'm actually here," you murmur, hyperaware of the hand still on your shoulder. "before, i had this grand thought that being in antarctica might help me realize what i want to get out of my life. since arriving, i've realized that nothing's actually changed; i'm still as lost as ever, and i'm afraid that if i'm still like this at the outskirts of the world, then i'll never know what to do."

your shoulders sag forward at your admittance, and the other person stares at you contemplatively.

"isn't it okay for you to not know everything?" they ask. they take your hands into their own, and you stiffen at the sudden act of intimacy, of kindness. "in comparison to the rest of the world, you've only lived for so long. it's unnatural that you're expected to have your entire life mapped out."

"yeah, but─"

"but what? it's what's expected of you?" the person questions, and you fall silent once more.

the antarctic wind blows, kicking up a flurry of ice crystals below the platform the two of you are standing on. the light scatters and shifts, and before long, it lies at rest again. squeezing your hands gently, the other person offers you what you think is an attempt at a comforting smile.

"personally, i think you're doing fine. it's okay to just live in the moment, you know? enjoy the incredible feat of making it all the way to antarctica, or something. forget about all your worries; yell at those glaciers if you want. it's not like there'll be anyone else aside from us to hear," they say at last, giving your hands one last squeeze before gently letting them go. swiveling around on their heel, they retrace their steps to the edge of the platform again. "come on! let's get a better look at this place, yeah?"

you consider your options. you could go back to the base and pretend that this entire interaction never occurred, busying yourself with the human concerns that you precisely sought to escape by coming to the precipice of the world. you could also step forward into this new world and lose yourself in the endless, empty white. whichever option you choose, there's no real "correct" answer to your situation.

you inhale. exhale. taking a step forward has never seemed so daunting before.

almost unconsciously, your hands rise to your camera once more and shakily lifts it up to your face. you study it blankly for a moment, two moments, and you hesitantly raise the camera's viewfinder to your eye.

you're not sure you're ready to join the other person and immerse yourself in this lonely, icy kingdom. however, the least you can do is keep a watchful eye and document everything.

with the other person's back to you and the clouds beginning to swallow the last vestiges of day, you press down on the button and take the shot.

[traumereii]

─so what are you supposed to do when you feel like a swaying pendulum, meaninglessly going through the motions of life and still being victim of your own illogical, erratic feelings? there's this ever-pervasive weight crushing your shoulders, smothering you into your pillows and blankets until your limbs are as heavy as mountains, and you dream in darkness while the world moves on.

you no longer try to attach your value onto other people. slowly, you feel the burden of trying to keep them close─because what's the point if they're all going to leave anyways? it's a song and dance you're familiar with, tested time and time again, and still you raise your silly hopes for a single chance of someone─anyone─to catch you when you fall.

people only see your existence when it's convenient for them. don't you ever dare forget this. laugh as you might, smile as you might, enjoy yourself as you might, but know with a sinking certainty that this will never last.

it's stupid to put all your eggs into the same basket, but that's exactly what you did, is it not?

(is it so wrong to wish for someone to properly, truly hear you out?

is it so wrong to hope for someone to understand your mess of a brain? to be a constant in your life, yet still be frigidly unyielding to ridiculous requests?)

you sometimes wonder if your own apathy is simply a way of masking your own hurt. it may as well be, for how much you don it like a suit of armour in battle; you don't care until you do, and by then everything is already out of your control. the only path to hell is down, and you can't even remember how long you've been rolling down these stairs for.

─so be it, then, because sooner or later, everyone will end up disappointing you. you just have to throw them away first before they get the chance to do it to you. it's that simple. pull the plug on everything; just disappear. don't ever believe what mockery of sympathy they have to say towards you, because if they wanted a different outcome then they'd act accordingly towards it.

but at the same time, don't ever forget that this is all your own fault for harbouring all these ugly, unsightly feelings, anyways.

[traumereii]

今天是个很特殊的天。你知道为什么吗？
当然因为是你的生日哇！你已经XX岁了；时间也真的过得快。其实，我真没想到你能活到现在。过去的事不就不提了，因为今天应该是一个高兴的天，你的天。你不是最近在思考你自己的生命吗？你开始对生活上的事情感兴趣，而且你也开始觉得你有资格在这个地球上活着。
你能来到这样的想法是一个很不容易的事。你辛辛苦苦的努力，学习，把你的心情给藏起来；对你以前所有的眼泪和烦恼，我抱歉。
我对你今后的希望就是你能继续勇敢的面着未来的困难。我希望你还可以继续说 “我想活下去”。
请不要再哭了。就算你笑的精神有限，我还是想要你高高兴兴的对着今天。
别管别人对你的想法。你应该为你自己活。
你能为我做到这件事吗？你能为你自己做到这件事吗？
不管怎么样，无论你的日子当中是阳光或阴天，我还是爱你。

ok i started crying too much to be able to properly write in cn lmao uhh LAUGHS. the tonal shift is insane here. groundbreaking. we love to see it fr. i feel like if i try to write seriously in en then i'll just end up Crying Harder (even for good reasons) and that's kind of the last thing i want so... here we go. my attempt at trying to get myself to calm down.

actually referring to myself in first person for once, i'm really glad to be alive. there's not even a specific reason, but things were really rough before mentally and i do believe that i'm slowly healing. i'm picking myself up and gluing up the broken pieces, but this is still irrevocably me. there's still so much to live for, and while i have no doubt that the bad ugly intrusive negative thoughts will come back (especially since finals are right around the corner... ugh), i need to have faith in myself. i'm allowed to exist. i give myself permission to exist. sometimes, this is enough. sometimes, this has to be enough. the bad thoughts Will Happen and it will absolutely bulldoze over me like i'm a worm drying out in the middle of the asphalt in the summer but i'm trying to manage myself. i really am. it's hard to not think about how empty i feel on any given day but i can at least try to fill myself up with other things i enjoy.

i cry every now and then at the media i consume, but i never really realize how emotionally repressed i am when it comes to... things like this. the floodworks really just started and i had no idea Why (ok this is partially a lie but. it was uncontrollable. it's been half an hour since i started and i'm only just now starting to calm down. send help) but it is freeing to just let it all out for once, even if it did feel like i was literally about to die or something. never been more grateful for the fact that my roommate has a boyfriend and often sleeps over at his place LOL I REALLY DO NOT NEED TO JUST RANDOMLY BREAK DOWN IN FRONT OF PEOPLE LIKE THIS SO THANK GOD. legit i was full on sobbing. what is wrong with me (for legal reasons this is a joke)

my head hurts now so i'll go have some water. maybe even sleep earlier.

i don't anticipate myself writing first person pov much (if at all) and especially not Like This so.... random peek into cs user traumereii's brain i guess. for personal reasons i do hope that i don't lose control again LOL. maybe starting off immediately with chinese was not exactly the move here because i don't know what comfort and reassurance and positive affirmation is like (through experience) from my parents so while it's crazy that i have to be the one to do it myself, i uh. definitely was not prepared. maybe i will not do this again next year.

either way, perhaps in a wistful kind of way, i'm happy. i truly am.uh oh im feeling the tears again (person who can't ever be honest with themselves)

谢谢你的生命。
生きてくれて本当にありがとう。
thank you for being alive.

sincerely,
me

[traumereii]

"─woah there, easy. xinhai, are you okay?"

empty blue eyes stare into warm amber, and for a moment, there is silence. then, xinhai breathes out a ragged sigh, and the illusion of peace is broken once again.

"... i'm not going to ask how you found me," they state, letting themselves be pulled up from the water's edge. distantly feeling like something of a wet cat, they brush their wet bangs out of their eyes, lips quirking up into a wry smile. "i'm not sure why you keep bothering... is it so wrong for me to want some time alone? to rest?"

"yeah, but not like this," yichen spits out, the poorly concealed worry and frustration in his eyes already beginning to spill through his tone. xinhai hums nonchalantly, and he runs his (wet) hand through his hair, grimacing. "the twins told me that you had another little... episode. something about wanting to return to the sea. xinhai, you of all people should understand your constitution the best. you're more human than mermaid; if you continue on like this, you will drown. there is no doubt about it."

"is that so bad?" they murmur softly, but they move to squeeze the water from their hair, already making the motions to return to their base. "well, it's just like you said. an episode. i felt the water calling for me, and for a moment, i genuinely felt as though i belonged there."

yichen's breath hitches, and xinhai pretends to not hear. "you felt as though you belonged there more... more than you belonged with us?"

they shrug noncommittally, their eyes already starting to glaze over. "is that really such a surprise? you know better than anyone else that i'm only here because of you."

yichen's hands move to grab at xinhai's own, squeezing tightly. they're not sure if the extra pressure is for themselves or for his own sake. "is it really too much for me to ask you to live for yourself? everyone still needs you. i still need you."

xinhai laughs, delighted. "oh, so now you've resorted to begging again? very well, my dear leader, i'll do as you say and stay. you can continue to use me until you've had your fill, and when you decide that you've had enough, i'll simply come back here. after all, this isn't our first time doing this song and dance, no?"

his hands loosen until he finally lets go, his hands dropping to his side. "... no, i suppose it isn't."

"then that's that. let's go back... i imagine that during my absence, yangyi has gotten himself into more trouble. after all, that's partially why you came for me."

"you sound so sure of yourself."

"well, am i wrong?"

"no. i guess you're not."

[traumereii]

sometimes, you forget things. maybe you misplaced your keys, a sock, whatever. little matter. it's the memories that get to you; the faces that fade from your mind's eye, names that fall from your tongue and you can't seem to pick back up, regardless of how hard you try. thoughts, feelings, experiences. all gone, dust in the wind, lost to time.

to cope, you laugh. you smile brightly, forging ahead, grabbing people by the hands and pulling them along, singing of greater days and happier moments. you can delude everyone into thinking that everything is alright. you can almost delude yourself into thinking that everything is alright.

keyword being almost, that is.

what people don't see are the days where you break beyond repair, sitting motionlessly like a rock as you stare at something that's visible to only you─but even then, you're not sure if it truly exists. the colours that swim in your mind seem almost lifeless, and the usual joyful cacophonies of life fall bitterly silent. it's as though everything and everyone around you has died. or maybe you're the one who died? it's these sort of questions that get you through, wondering if you're the one who's flawed or if the world is just not designed to hold, to care for someone like you. perhaps it's a bit of both. a sort of concession, an acceptance, an admittance─that you're definitely not perfect, but neither is the world, and that should be fine, right?

it just. it just feels strange, feeling like a stranger in your own body, watching with a detached sort of interest as your body interacts with those around you, even if you're barely aware of it. it feels strange, watching life goes on even when your steps halt in place and you just stand there listlessly, lost and unsure of how else to continue.

it feels like you don't belong, and so you silently bid those memories farewell and walk away. you're... fine with letting go of things. after all, don't they say that if you love something, you should set it free? your love isn't always the prettiest; you're grossly jealous, obsessive to an ungodly point, but for the most part, you're pretty good at hiding it. letting go is one of the hardest things that you could do, but the moment you kill that flame in your chest, it's over. there's nothing else to say.

all that's left is to find a new obsession to fill your unsightly, empty self. maybe this time, you won't have to find a reason to lock away and force yourself to forget some things.

[traumereii]

there's absolutely no chance you'll see this. i checked your profile, and you haven't logged on in... soon to be two years now. i feel a little silly to be the one to still hang on like this, but i guess that's okay. the way i use this website now has changed so much, and it probably won't ever go back to how it was before.

but as much of a coward i am, i can't just not say anything when keina suda got invited to the first take channel to sing charles. the video was uploaded three days ago, but i just mustered up the courage to listen to it just now... and it suddenly brought me back to those days three or four years ago, where we'd just screw around and talk. it was honestly kind of scary to me how easily we clicked, but despite it all, i enjoyed every moment of it, even as our interests and paths diverged.

i still think a lot about the things you introduced me to. if nothing else, i hope you're well.

is it creepy of me to still remember those throwaway conversations when so many other things of greater importance slips my mind? but i've always found it easy to associate the people i care for with songs, and knowing of your own feelings for charles, it only makes sense that this is for you.

[traumereii]

the sound of waves crashing against the shoreline is hauntingly loud, especially when it seems to stretch out for miles beyond, disappearing far into the horizon. the beating of your own heart falls in rhythm with the ocean, lulling you into an indescribable feeling of belonging, despite everything else. enveloped by the moonlight, you close your eyes and simply walk, shoes in hand and bare feet tingling at the water's bitter coldness.

and yet, you don't feel the cold at all. a hand pulls you along, and the boy in front of you simply smiles at you with shining red eyes that seem to pierce into your very soul. there's nothing else to say; he had pulled you out of the comforts of your bed in the middle of the night just to go to the beach, but you can't find it in yourself to be upset. rather, there's something terribly sacred about the delicate way he leads you through the night.

"so? how does it feel, being a creature of the night for once?" he asks softly, shattering the silence, and you shiver. you turn to stare towards the wide expanse of ocean, eyes softening as you watch the stars glitter and cast their shine on the water. unconsciously, you stand a little closer to him as if to lean into his warmth, and he doesn't say anything in response to that; instead, he offers you a small smile, imperceptible to all except you, if only because you learned to recognize every single one of his facial expressions.

"... it feels lonely," you say at last, your voice barely more than a whisper in the wake of the crashing waves echoing beside the two of you. grounding yourself has never felt more difficult, not when both the moon and the boy's red eyes are boring into you. if looks could cut, you'd have been sliced to ribbons many times over by now. "why'd you bring me here, kuma-kun? i have a flight to catch tomorrow, you know?"

"mm... coming out here at this hour makes it feel like we're the only ones left living, don't you think?" the boy muses, ignoring your words with a gentle smile as he stops in place to follow your gaze, lifting his head until his eyes also meet the moon. he squeezes your hand a little tighter, and you can't help but ground yourself with that action, turning to the boy like he's your lifeline as you struggle to keep your head from submerging under the tumultuous waves. your breath hitches at his words, a protest on the tip of your tongue but dying before your voice could ever give it life, and he merely tugs at your hand, prompting you to start moving again. selfish ass. "look, i know that you're not as unaffected as you try to make yourself out to be, secchan. just let loose and indulge me on this walk, okay?"

"you're talking nonsense again," you snap, feeling a little flustered, but you know better than to be contrary by now because it never works out in your favour when he's involved. still, the way he seems to see right through you makes you feel aggrieved. "it's not like i'm going to be gone forever. also, don't come out here without someone else, okay? it's not like i think anything will happen necessarily, but it's always better to be safe than sorry..."

"yeah, yeah, whatever you say," he hums dismissively. "is it so wrong to want to spend some time with my partner before he flies overseas again?" the words are phrased casually, innocuously, but you can't help but pick up on the wistful longing behind the boy's dulcet tones.

ah, so that's what this was.

neither of you have a good track record when it comes to talking about your feelings truthfully, and you think that this is the closest thing to an honest admittance that you're going to get out of the other boy. emboldened by your sudden realization (or perhaps by exhaustion; it is far past your regular bedtime hours, after all), you reach out and pull him into a hug, closing your eyes as you feel his heartbeat racing. belatedly, you notice that your own heart is pounding in your chest, threatening to jump out.

you hear him chuckle and it sounds strained, not at all like the usual looseness that you've come to associate with him. when you pull away in concern, ready to launch a barrage of questions at him, the boy crouches down, burying his face away. you squawk indignantly at the sudden splashing of water, but that too dies down once you notice the faint, tell-tale red glow colouring his ears. "seriously... don't do that all of a sudden, secchan, it's bad for my heart."

you scoff a little at his dramatics, but you also crouch down, sighing at the feeling of water lapping at your clothes. they're going to stick to your skin uncomfortably afterwards, and you can only hope that you don't catch a cold from this sudden excursion to the beach. "we can call more, you know. preferably not when it's the middle of the night for either of us, but we can make something work. that's what we always do, after all." you suck in a breath, pondering your next words. "for what it's worth, i'll miss you a lot too."

"idiot," he mumbles under his breath, and you resist the urge to bristle defensively. "if you're going to miss me, then don't go. problem solved."

then: "you know, tsukipi once told me that you're kind of like the moon. barring your nagging tendencies and dreadful habits, i do see the resemblance... perhaps i'll cope by pretending that the moon is my boyfriend every night."

"i'm still here, you realize that right?" you deadpan, but you can't help the slightest hint of a smile that quirks at your lips. "i guess that's fine if it helps you sleep at night. just know that i'll never swear my love by the moon, given how it waxes and wanes. you irritate me beyond belief sometimes, but i wouldn't have this any other way."

he shudders at your words. "eww, never say that ever again. but yeah, i get it... mm, we've been out for long enough. let's go back; you'll have my head if you end up missing your flight."

you roll your eyes at his comments, but despite everything, you let yourself be pulled along, squeezing his hand back. walking along the beach at night still feels lonely, but with another kindred spirit by your side, it feels a little less so.

[traumereii]

you're angry.

this isn't an accusation, but merely an observation. you've been harbouring a whirlpool of hellfire and bitterness in your stomach, and all you want to do is to lash out and hurt someone, anyone. thankfully, you're not so far gone that you would actually do something that you'd regret, but just thinking these sorts of thoughts─of inflicting pain, of pushing everyone away and sinking into your own insanity─is almost enough to drive you mad.

maybe you're already mad. who are you to say, anyways?

try not to let your intrusive thoughts get the best of you. it's a good thing that the object of your distaste is nowhere near you, because you of all people should know how your patience thins and threatens to snap with every little minor thing. it's dumb, it's stupid, yes, but this is simply just what your brain is like. so, it's up to you to control yourself.

it's just─it's so funny how just yesterday, barely twenty four hours ago, you were so excited and content. it's just like you to forget that after every high comes a low, and being smacked right in the face with these circumstances is something you ought to get used to already. or, at the very least, prepare for ahead of time.

your own expectations for yourself and for the rest of the world is what's stifling you and choking you. calm down. it's okay. it's not that serious. whatever others do, it's never a personal slight. learn to live outside of your own brain for once, will you? it'll do you and everyone else around you some good.

it'll be okay. you'll forget soon enough, and it'll all go back to normal. you just have to get past this bump in the road before you can continue onwards.

[traumereii]

"what's on your mind?" a soft voice murmured, and xinhai blinked, having been roused from their thoughts. they turned to their side to see a familiar girl with long dark hair cascading past her shoulders, and although she tried her best to seem detached and uninterested, the merperson could still see flashes of concern flitting across her features. "you've been spacing out a lot lately."

"mhm... it's nothing out of the ordinary. you don't have to concern yourself with me," they replied in turn, trying to lift the corners of their lips into a small smile in an attempt to soothe the other girl. they cringed internally at the thought of the goofy expression on their face, although dropping the act would likely make things even worse.

siyu only sighed at xinhai's avoidant response before leaning against their shoulder, closing her eyes as she kicked her legs back and forth. "well, i'm sure you know this already, but i─we─just want the best for you."

"right." staring out towards the horizon, xinhai pursed their lips. despite their calm countenance, there were a million thoughts running through their mind, all about the emotions they felt and what they thought they should be feeling instead. "well... in any case, i'll be fine with time. just give me a while to sort myself out, yes? i know you're just looking out for me like a good girl, siyu, but i know how treasured i am amongst everyone. this i can say with certainty."

a delicate frown etched itself into siyu's face, but she simply nodded her head, holding her tongue to not press the issue anymore. "i trust you, xinhai. we all do."

strangely enough, the weight on xinhai's chest felt lighter upon hearing those words. "... thanks. i appreciate that, i really do."