─ rain ─

[Tanjiro]

Love with you feels forever.
Gentle kisses on your head with my arms wrapped around you.
I love you.

[Tanjiro]

I used to take a photo whenever I felt pretty.
Before a night out, all-natural before bed, whatever to capture the moment I felt powerful.
Even though I look the same,
the magic has faded.
I don't feel like that girl anymore.
I wish I had the energy to be that pretty girl again.
But even without that confidence, I'm no different than the person I was.

[Tanjiro]

I used to be a writer.
I have long forgotten that.
I wrote in the name of vain,
Cold & lonely words of heartbreak.
When I chased that bitter feeling away,
All the words left me like a fleeting moment,
or a startled starling, frightened by her emotions.
Because of you I remember that I am a writer,
And I write about love in the name of you.

[Tanjiro]

Prepare for the worst, so it won’t hurt as much if it happens.

Shut yourself out.

April 7, 2019, 3:22 AM

[Tanjiro]

I used to wonder why I had to go through so much trauma if everything had a purpose.
But as I mature & become healthier, I realize that this has blessed me with the ability to help others.
Perhaps it is because going through the worst has helped me gain a better understanding of what others are going through?
I realize I always seek deep connection with people, and I do that by analyzing their life.
I really like listening to their stories, & I'm able to draw a conclusion as to how that is affecting them.
I'm good at reading people. I'm not intelligent academic wise, but I am pretty emotionally intelligent when it comes to this.
I can understand how different people think, and how they process information & emotion.
I hope I get better at helping people with this. I can't change the external factors of people's pain, but I sure hope I can heal them from within.

[Tanjiro]

2021 started with me being at 7/11 because I'm always craving snacks lol.
The employee greeted me with enthusiasm despite it being 1AM, & I bought him a chocolate bar.
"are you sure?" I wonder if it's a saying he always uses, or if he doesn't feel deserving.
"Of course, you deserve it. Happy new year" a smile to his face. I'm not even sure if he likes dark chocolate but the sentiment was felt.
I don't know why my boyfriend & I stayed in the parking lot for so long. We ate snacks, & I laughed at his reaction when I told him that the Kia Soul truck is the sexiest car alive. (No shade to Kia Souls, he just has a deep hatred for those & I poke fun at him)
But sometimes things feel like it happens for a reason. Usually, we would have dipped, & if we had driven off even a minute earlier, we would have missed the woman who pulled up next to us. She was crying, obviously in pain. Though nervous about confrontation, I knew I had to do something. Because chances when I could actually help rarely happen & I do not like being the type of person who lets fear stop them. I mean, there are usually 2 people max at 7/11, so what are the chances?
Luckily another woman had the same thought & came over when I knocked on the woman's window.
"Baby what's wrong?"
"I'm okay."
"What happened?"
Sometimes it feels like the end of the world, but when there are people to ground you & listen to your pain, you realize that things are going to be okay. It breaks my heart knowing that some people suffer alone.
It's a good feeling. I don't really run into the chances of being able to help strangers, but it really made me feel like life has a meaning.

[Tanjiro]

I can't seem to understand why I feel so lonely all the time, even when I've got everything.

[Tanjiro]

Heartbreak is disbelief.
That this would happen to me.
Endless comparison,
a soul-crushing realization that you will never love me in that way.

Moving on is apathy.
All the butterflies I felt for you have been poisoned by the time I spent with you.
Carelessness at your cries for a second chance.

I don't love you anymore, but your words still keep me up at night.
I stare a little longer in the mirror, trying to change the things you said you hate about me.
Parts of my body that you grabbed to tell me to lose weight.
Being unable to block you because of the need to compare your new girl(s) with me.

But healing is...
Healing is different.
Healing is forgetting about you.
Healing is loving myself the way I did before I met you. No longer forcing myself into a mold.
Healing is not having to prove to you (or myself) that I'm pretty. Because I can bloom even without you.
Healing is realizing that your new love interests aren't a personal jab at me, but rather a new chapter of your life I chose not to be a part of.

[Tanjiro]

I reunited with an old friend (shoutout!!).
I feel like I have become quite shallow over the years,
but she brings out the conversation in me.
My teenage self without the angst.
Younger me but minus the sadness.
Younger me with a newfound interest in the world.
She brings out the simple excitement in things on boring workdays.
(& we share our love for our dogs!!!!!!!!)

ily!!

[Tanjiro]

If I had to describe you, simple adjectives would not be enough.
It would be a great injustice if I just said you were amazing, wonderful, & beyond perfect.
Because rather than words, you are a feeling.
You are the feeling of warm sunshine kissing my skin in the early mornings.
You are the feeling of seeing how happy my dogs are when I get home.
You are the feeling of warmth of home after a day out in the biting cold.
You are the feeling of a tight hug from someone I love.

You are the feeling of home.