The Critique Cafe- Need Active Critics!

[Desmond]

Adding to Rosalind's crit...

This is a critique for Rosalind!
Who the critique is for: Rosalind
What you had to say about it: Your meter needs a bit of work. Poetry, because it doesn't always rhyme, has to have a meter, a certain amount of syllables per line. For example, Shakespeare used ten syllables per line, so it read in an easy iambic pentameter.

Your meter jumps all over the place... 12, 4, 9, 8.... I don't think any two lines are the same. :/

However, I must agree that your onomatopoeia usage is great, and the subject is a rather interesting one. :)

[Princess Luna]

@ Tae: I also really like the form - while the storyline is a fairly commonly-used one, you wrote it very well and made it feel quite fresh and different. ^^ The only thing I'd alter is this line:

In any case, I was jarred from my position between her teeth and I fell to the ground.

When I first read it, I thought it meant Sunrise had been dropped while her(?) mother was running out of the cave or while she was running away. I'd suggest changing "In any case" to something more connected with the previous sentence, like "As she fell" or "As she stumbled", something along those lines. :3

Thank you <3
Oh, I'll fix that.

Thanks for the critique, like I said earlier, I really appreciate it ^w^

[LunarFaith]

I would like some critique please!
Username: Lunarflower
Link to your form: viewtopic.php?f=10&t=118117&start=1920#p4019588 <-Fixed some grammer and changed a few paragraphs.
Adoption Agency you are applying for: Goennec
Deadline for your form: April 25 12PM
Would you prefer to get feedback here or by PM? Any one is fine <3

Thank You!

[Rosalind]

Adding to Rosalind's crit...

This is a critique for Rosalind!
Who the critique is for: Rosalind
What you had to say about it: Your meter needs a bit of work. Poetry, because it doesn't always rhyme, has to have a meter, a certain amount of syllables per line. For example, Shakespeare used ten syllables per line, so it read in an easy iambic pentameter.

Your meter jumps all over the place... 12, 4, 9, 8.... I don't think any two lines are the same. :/

However, I must agree that your onomatopoeia usage is great, and the subject is a rather interesting one.

I didn't even know about pentameters, thanks for telling me! This is the first poem I have ever done, and it just popped into my head. I probably won't re-do this one, but I will definately remember that for when I do another.

This is a critique for Tae!
Who the critique is for: Tae
What you had to say about it: I didn't see anything wrong with the transitions between scenes; it flowed very nicely. Most people just describe the character's personality and history; but you didn't, which really makes your form stand out. It takes a talented writer to be able to work the character's personality and history into the story, which you did. It was overall an enjoyable read; great job! I'll be crossing my fingers for you.


On an unrelated subject; I know where your avatar is from! 8D

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This is a critique for Rosalind!
Who the critique is for: Rosalind
What you had to say about it: Wonderful job! The use of onemonepia was excellent; and the rhyming was good. In the second to last line you go from past-tense to present-tense. I'm not sure if that was deliberate or not; but it was the only thing I could find wrong.

Fixed that, thank you! I didn't een notice.

I woke up this morning hearing rain on the roof.
drip-drop, drip-drop
I didn't want to get out of bed.
Why couldn't the world just stop?
My stomache was full of dread for the day ahead.
Why couldn't the world just stop?
But still the rain kept coming down,
drip-drop, drip-drop, drip-drop

[Papyrsatyr]

You know I never thought about having the cafe being used for critiques of things that aren't forms....but it's a good idea...perhaps that's what I'll use for the third post. XD Murf we'll see.

[White_Wolf_Bane]

I would like some critique please!
Username: White_Wolf_Bane
Link to your form:Click, Please!
Adoption Agency you are applying for:Sparkle, Gloom, Scene and Unloved Adoption Center!
Deadline for your form: Unknown.
Would you prefer to get feedback here or by PM? By Pm, Please.

[! october]

Could we have a form for a private adoption critiqued?

[Atwood]

I don't see why not. :3 Just write 'Private adoption' in the Adoption Agency space and post your form somewhere (a character thread, maybe?) so you can link to it, same as usual.

[Papyrsatyr]

I don't see why not. :3 Just write 'Private adoption' in the Adoption Agency space and post your form somewhere (a character thread, maybe?) so you can link to it, same as usual.

Yeah, just so it's official yes you can have private adoption froms critiqued as well. ^ ^;

[! october]

Thanks, I'll post mine as soon as I finish it. ^^