The Critique Cafe- Need Active Critics!

[LunarFaith]

I would like some critique please!
Username: Lunarflower
Link to your form: viewtopic.php?f=10&t=118117&start=1920
Adoption Agency you are applying for: ~Goennec~
Deadline for your form: This sunday (April 25th)
Would you prefer to get feedback here or by PM? Both, it doesnt matter.

[Lirrie]

I would like some critique please!
Username: Lirrie
Link to your form: Venus
Adoption Agency you are applying for: Break of Dawn
Deadline for your form: This Weekend I think
Would you prefer to get feedback here or by PM? Both please

[iBrevity]

This is a critique for Lirrie!
Who the critique is for: Lirrie's form for Venus at Break of Dawn.
What you had to say about it:

I loved how you incorporated scientific information into her form, firstly. It was a change to see it. On that note though, there is a part where it becomes almost awkward, and that would be where you quote off of a page itself. You don't actually need to.

From http://www.fennec-fox.com/
Mostly carnivorous; mainly insects, lizards, rodents, sometimes birds and plant material (fruit and berries).

This part could easily be removed, or at least taken out of the quotes. To reference back to a source you could just simplify if and place instead brackets around the site. So, instead of quoting it, put; Mostly carnivorous; mainly insects, lizards, rodents, sometimes birds and plant material (fruit and berries) [Fennec-Fox].
Honestly, because you list your sources at the end, it shouldn't matter to be quoted. :3

[center]History: When Venus and

At this point of time it seems you have a sort of coding error; just thought I would point it out for your help. :3 You could just take away the center here and still have your entire post centered since it appears you did the coding for that instead at the beginning of the post.

These are typos from all through the post, in chronological order:
hungrey = hungry
themselfs = themselves
to young = too young
successfull = successful
small rodent = small rodents
wasnt hunting or wasnt successful = wasn't hunting or wasn't successful
her brother , sister = her brother, sister
finnaly = finally
maybe just maybe = maybe, just maybe
wating = dunno if this is misspelled or just a word I don't know ^^"
Reasearch = Research

as she was older by 30 minutes to an hour.

This seems kind of unnneeded, and a little awkward. I think if you just took out the last half, the entire part quoted, then the sentence would flow a bit better. Personally, I don't think being older by just thirty minutes to an hour would make much of a difference to her hunting skills, but if you think its important then explain it. How did being born half an hour earlier make her a better hunter?

"Venus!" yelled a young kit leaping at the adult female intent on sneaking up on her and not relizing his mistake that on a real hunt would loose him prey and a meal.

Seems a bit weird to read. Perhaps rephrase it a bit, or split it into two sentences.
"Venus!" A young kit yelled, leaping at the adult female. He was so intent on sneaking up on her that he did not realize the mistake he had made. On a real hunt, it would have lost him prey and a meal.
Does that sound more flowing? :3

Overall, I think your form is pretty good. I do advise that you put it through Word or something and fix the spelling and punctuation errors. If you want me to, PM me and I'll go through the entire thing and edit in where you should put commas, periods, etc. :3
I would say just keep going with the story. I like where it is going so far; I'm excited to meet these other fennecs she joined the family with.



NOTE; If you want it to be PMed to you, just let me know. xD
DOUBLE NOTE; I'll be coming back around for more critiques. I just want to do one at a time. xD

[Papyrsatyr]

Thank you iBrevity. ^ ^ For your time to make these critiques....

[iBrevity]

Thank you iBrevity. ^ ^ For your time to make these critiques....

Haha, I love giving critiques. xDD I've just been too busy lately to do any, which is sorta sad. I hope that if I start giving regular critiques here maybe I can brew up some more business. :3 I'm working on Lunarflower's right now. xDD So I guess I'm going to turn this into a double post... -mutters- xDD

[Nawee]

I would like some critique please!
Username: Nawee
Link to your form: viewtopic.php?f=10&t=118117&start=1900#p4017825
Adoption Agency you are applying for: ~Goennecs~
Deadline for your form: Sunday 25th
Would you prefer to get feedback here or by PM? Here =3

I'll try to give some critics when I find the time.

[iBrevity]

This is a critique for Lunarflower!
Who the critique is for: Lunarflower's form for Stargazer and Milky Way.
What you had to say about it:

I really love how you have their stats separated and then slame together their history. Most users would group together the twins like they were a single organism; it's cool how you made it very clear that they were supremely different. Their shared past, however, twines together very nicely. :3

Typos in chronological order;
il = I'll
Nooks = Nook's
im = I'm
dazling = dazzling
preferd = preferred
here = her
univerce = universe
hights = heights
beond = beyond
There = Their
seamed = seemed
drounding = drowning
braud = not really sure what you were trying for here ^^"
nuzle = nuzzle
butterflys = butterflies
acctially loveing = actually loving
Me and my sister = My sister and I
skinnyer = skinnier
ether = either
easyly = easily

"What should we call them Phyar?"

head to Phyre

I'm not sure if you meant to do this or not, but his name has seemed to magically change in the middle of the form. xDD You may want to decide what his name is and change one or the other to prevent confusion on who Nook is speaking to. :3

"Yes Stargazer?" Nook asked, returning her dazling smile. "Dad, im going to have a baby".

LOL, I loved this part. xDDDD Talk about a slap in the face. Anyway. Ahem. Just wanted to say these were a few of my favorite sentences, especially paired with the sentence that follows. xD Haha.


Alright, so I'm a little confused about the history. I thought for a moment that you would have it from a third person point of view so that the audience could see both their aspects, but it seems to be stemming only from Milky Way. I would suggest that you try to throw in some ideas from Stargazer's point of view. Even, if you have the time, to just rewrite that entire history except from Stargazer's point of view. It would be very engaging and seriously interesting.

I would love to see you continue Milky Way's story. It's so romantic that she found this male who accepted her where her family didn't. <3 I love it. So compliments on the story line, because I have thoroughly enjoyed it.

I'm sure I missed quite a few typos, so I would advise for you to put it through a spell checker somewhere. :3
Also, to extend the same offer to you, if you'd like me to go all the way through the form and edit in puncutation then let me know. Send a PM to me. I would be happy to help. <3

[iBrevity]

This is a critique for Nawee!
Who the critique is for: Nawee's form for Erebos.
What you had to say about it:

Chronological unusual phrases; you might have to search, sorry. xD You didn't have a lot.
definitly = definitely
doing today. = doing today?
him as he could = as much as he could
she hid them to her son = she hid them from her son

The sun was setting down when the female gave birth to her child. The small fur ball was huddling up against his/its mother’s side.

This line seems a little awkward. I would advise changing it around a little more; it seems almost flippant. xD
The sun was setting when the new mother gave birth to her first child. The small furry ball was huddling up against his mother's side.
Dunno if you like that or not, just figured I'd mention it. xD The first line speaking of birth was almost like absent, like you just stuck it in; I always write the character's birth and beginning as something really important. :3

She felt asleep

She fell asleep

He tried once again to catch the butterfly but he started (was started) when someone addressed him.

Hmm. The words in the quotes sort of confuse me. I don't understand what they're doing there. xD If you took them out the sentence would make perfect sense, although I'm not sure if you were using them merely as a footnote or something instead of placing them in the sentence. :3

His mother laid to his side and he felt asleep like any other night.

His mother lay by his side and he fell asleep like any other night.

Oh my gawd, this is an amazing start to a story. o.o
That ending was a darn cliffhanger, curse you. xDDD I really want to find out what happens to him. <3

Okay, anyway, as for critique.
You have very little spelling errors, and awkward lines. I think I pointed out all of the ones I hesitated over reading. Your form is well written and pleasing to look at, although if you wanted to make it more outstanding you could put in bold the form you have to fill out for the Goennecs [name, pen number, etc].

As for the plot line, it is amazing. I feel really sorry for Erebos; I just want to step in there and hug him. It seems to me that you have really connected to him, and it shows in how you write for him. For one though, I am curious over his father. You mention his parents continually through the story, and his father even speaks in the beginning; but you never really say who his father is. The others in the herd say its a demon, but if its his mother's mate then why wouldn't he be in the herd...? I'm not sure if I'm just confused about the idea or if you're writing it to be suspicious, because if you are you're doing a good job. xDD

[Desmond]

Call me crazy, but I'm working on a form before the character's even made. xD I know another Smili will pop up at TAN sometime, though, so I've left details of his coat out because I don't know what they'll be yet, and the name for the moment is "***" because I don't quite know what that'll be yet, either. But here goes:

I would like some critique please!
Username: -3B-
Link to your form: viewtopic.php?f=10&t=83608&p=3573160#p3573160 (Using an old post on my 'Sona's thread for this purpose)
Adoption Agency you are applying for: TAN
Deadline for your form: None yet. >.>;;
Would you prefer to get feedback here or by PM? Either.

[Nawee]

This is a critique for Nawee!
Who the critique is for: Nawee's form for Erebos.
What you had to say about it:

Chronological unusual phrases; you might have to search, sorry. xD You didn't have a lot.
definitly = definitely
doing today. = doing today?
him as he could = as much as he could
she hid them to her son = she hid them from her son

The sun was setting down when the female gave birth to her child. The small fur ball was huddling up against his/its mother’s side.

This line seems a little awkward. I would advise changing it around a little more; it seems almost flippant. xD
The sun was setting when the new mother gave birth to her first child. The small furry ball was huddling up against his mother's side.
Dunno if you like that or not, just figured I'd mention it. xD The first line speaking of birth was almost like absent, like you just stuck it in; I always write the character's birth and beginning as something really important. :3

She felt asleep

She fell asleep

He tried once again to catch the butterfly but he started (was started) when someone addressed him.

Hmm. The words in the quotes sort of confuse me. I don't understand what they're doing there. xD If you took them out the sentence would make perfect sense, although I'm not sure if you were using them merely as a footnote or something instead of placing them in the sentence. :3

His mother laid to his side and he felt asleep like any other night.

His mother lay by his side and he fell asleep like any other night.

Oh my gawd, this is an amazing start to a story. o.o
That ending was a darn cliffhanger, curse you. xDDD I really want to find out what happens to him. <3

Okay, anyway, as for critique.
You have very little spelling errors, and awkward lines. I think I pointed out all of the ones I hesitated over reading. Your form is well written and pleasing to look at, although if you wanted to make it more outstanding you could put in bold the form you have to fill out for the Goennecs [name, pen number, etc].

As for the plot line, it is amazing. I feel really sorry for Erebos; I just want to step in there and hug him. It seems to me that you have really connected to him, and it shows in how you write for him. For one though, I am curious over his father. You mention his parents continually through the story, and his father even speaks in the beginning; but you never really say who his father is. The others in the herd say its a demon, but if its his mother's mate then why wouldn't he be in the herd...? I'm not sure if I'm just confused about the idea or if you're writing it to be suspicious, because if you are you're doing a good job. xDD

Thanks a lo iBrevity ^-^With that and -3B-'s tip, I think I'll be able to fix a lot of things and make my form awesome =3
And what to you mean by chronological unusual phrases? =O