☾ 雨 天 ☽

[Gladis]

I woke up feeling like sunshine today!!

[Gladis]

I feel like a young ghost, controlling the body of a tired girl.
These memories aren't as vivid as before.
The pain doesn't hurt as much anymore.
It felt so wrong to hold his hand,
as if he was loving the wrong person.

But it's not necessarily a bad thing to feel so distant from myself.
I'm excited for this life again!
I have to treat this body with respect!
I'm looking forward to a brand new start.

[Gladis]

I almost forgot who I was for a minute.
They tactfully jabbed me with jealousy, & I accidentally accepted it.
Tore me down until I was nothing but insecure.
That's how you love her.
Tell her she's not enough until she's forced to stay with you.
It's the same story, I'm tired of it.
Do not judge me based off what I was born with.
I am capable of being a good person.
But if you treat me like I am not worthy of being loved until I hate myself,
then you are not worthy of my love.
I learned to prioritize myself a long time ago.

[Gladis]

So life got hard HARD.
I don't think there was much to love about myself anymore.
I trusted people too much. I trusted him too much.
I always thought I could control myself, but bad habits seem like comfort when your life is falling apart.
People only loved me for my cover, it seems. But now I realized I just surrounded myself with the wrong crowd.

There wasn't much to love about myself at the time,
but I realized that only I could pick myself back up.
& that life is going to get hard at times, but I didn't owe anyone anything.
I can unapologetically love myself without a label.
I know I finally love myself.

[Gladis]

So they asked me how. Why.
& I hear the talk. I've become well aware of what they think of me.
Years ago, it would've made me so happy. Egoistical, maybe. But I'm older now. I know who I am.
Sometimes, someone brave enough would make a move.
But my decisions will always be criticized. Because people don't care enough to look further into who I am.
I've become aware of how people don't love me for me. They become infatuated with the idea of me.
They fall in love with the face my mother hated, because it was all too familiar with my father's.
& when they fought, I became a reflection of his flaws. I became her excuse to despise me.
& when I grew up, she poured her insecurities on me.
It didn't make her feel any better, it just made me hate my nose that's too low, my forehead that's too big, & my skin, that can never be as good as hers, I guess.
But they wouldn't take my answer. I must've loved myself right? These love confessions must've fed my ego,
so it was okay for them to break me. To lie to me & take advantage of me. To say I'm too outgoing & to pick out my flaws.
If I didn't return their feelings, I must be too full of myself, right?

So they wonder, how you managed to break my ice cold heart.
I met you 7 months ago. We became good friends. You always brought me food. Always oranges, because I loved oranges.
I laughed at you when you thought I liked you.
Seriously? He should get his head out of his ass. My kindness does not mean interest.
& so I stopped going to you. Because I was afraid I was going to hurt you.
I came back the day after my life was utterly destroyed. I was naive, & I let him ruin me.
I was ashamed to admit it, & I was embarrassed of crying for hours in the room with you.
You brought me fruits. Oranges, because you remembered what my favorite fruit is.
That day, I swore to never come back to the community after wrecking myself.
& so word got around. Egoistical, horrible, etc etc
I thought you'd hate me.
I dated someone at the time. But unsurprisingly, he barely made time for me & made me the trophy girl.
Quick to show me off but slow to spend time to know me.
When I found out you liked me, I tried to throw you in the deep end.
That's infatuation. There's a lotta people infatuated with me. You'll get over it.
I was so unbelievably empty. I had a hard time trusting people, & I just stopped letting people in.
6 months. For 6 months you listened to your friends tear me down. For 6 months you still believed I was a good person.
For 6 months you talked good about me when I fell apart.
& that's when I saw something in you that I never saw in anything else.
You weren't like the others. Wiping their drool away to break me.
For the first time, I felt something different. It wasn't a love-at-first-sight kind of thing, but it was love.
Real love, maybe.

I know you sometimes face harsh criticism. Out of everyone, how did you manage to land me?
Because you took your time to love me AND my body. Not just my body. Not just my face, or style, or a single part of me.
Me as a whole.
You picked me up & told me I was perfect when I was put through hell by the merciless.
So there's no reason for you to be afraid or insecure.
You'll always be so much more important to me. I'd never trade you for 100 admirers.
Maybe this wouldn't last forever, but these moments will forever be so important to me.

[Gladis]

Reading my online diary entries from 2016 to a few months ago makes me realize how much stronger I am now.
I used to write about how much I hated myself, how I wish I wasn't me anymore.
I don't have much to write about anymore, but in my mind that's a good thing.
Sadness use to inspire me, but I'm definitely better now.
I do hope to find inspiration off of other things/emotions tho.

[Gladis]

Life with you is so amazing.

Holding your hand as I drive.

Laughing as you serenade me with your cheesy love songs.

Stolen kisses in the parking lots.

Not only did I fall in love with you,

I fell in love with life again. 

[Gladis]

Emptiness.
Hollow emotions.
A fake personality to prove that you're not sad.
Maybe that's why it happened.
I could barely feel a thing, how the hell am I supposed to know what they were thinking?
I couldn't write anymore. I felt like I had been lying to myself this whole time.
Did life really get better? No. It got worse. Way worse.
How could this happen to me?
Why me? Why why why why why why?
Maybe I had it coming. Maybe I did deserve it.
Why why why why?
Life was so hopeless. Bleak.
I had nowhere to go.
But I kept going.

[Gladis]

In response to the piece I wrote in 2016
Dandelion - the first time I fell in love

It felt like a blessing when he chose me. Told me I was beautiful & everything he wanted.
I was just a dandelion, & still, he saw something in me.
When he laid by my side & wrapped his arms around me, I mistook it for real love.
His touch had muted out the rest of the world. His arms protected me from the outside.
Why? Why would you choose me in a garden of flowers? I pleaded towards the silence. I asked even though I knew.
You are just a dandelion for me to blow wishes on. In this garden of flowers, I don't want you. No one does. I did this for you.
I thought he was protecting me, while in reality, he was drowning me.
He held me underwater with his fingertips as water filled my ears with silence until eventually, he would become silent too.
Made me feel little so he could have me underneath his wing. Tore me apart so I wouldn't leave.
& when he was done tearing out the feathery seeds, he threw me away & crushed me under his feet.
You are a weed.

That was what I thought was love. I fell for lies & manipulation which ended in years of fear & pain.
& so he haunted me, even with his absence. Nothing could numb the pain of him.
But without him around, I started to realize how insecure he was. Afraid that I would one day realize my own worth.
Maybe dandelions aren't the prettiest in a garden of flowers, but did he forget the beauty of dandelion fields?
Their bright yellow manes would illuminate against the green grass, indicating the presence of spring.
His touch had filled me with years of pain but also taught me a lesson.
To never believe I am less.
Slowly without him, I started to grow my mane again.

[Gladis]

A part of me wishes you would just lie to me
so it'd be easier for me to leave.