☾ 雨 天 ☽

[Gladis]

It's easy to feel like this.
Stuck between hours & hours of work.
Endless studying & unsatisfactory results.
This is something I can do, but I don't want to do it.
Booksmart. Booksmart.
Just live through these tough years, the income will be good.
Is what I told myself.
But I felt my happiness slip away during these sleepless nights.
I can't live like this.
I thought I'd finally be happy.
But I'm just stuck in this cycle of work & never being good enough.
Maybe for once,
I should listen to my heart.

[Gladis]

I used to think too much,
but now I feel too little.

[Gladis]

Don't worry. Don't worry. You'll find your meaning soon.
5 years with him, what's one more? Maybe he'll take his leave soon.
You got this.
Take a walk in the dark.
Laugh to those stupid jokes your friends don't get.
Dance to those songs.
Do whatever the hell you want.

You're still lost & you're not who you want to be. Yes.
But you're stronger than before.
Keep going.

[Gladis]

It was hard falling in love with you at first.
You were just another pretty boy, chocolate eyes & a cinnamon fringe.
I called you foolish for confessing your love so soon.
You wouldn't understand the dead flowers of my heart.
You said you didn't care.
& my heart warned me that you'll leave once I've filled your simple desires.
But days turned into weeks, & weeks grew into months.
You persisted, & watered these flowers back to life.
I felt my heart bloom when I saw you sleep.
Arms stretched in the empty space where I once laid.
I looked at you, the one who inspired me to move on from the past,
& I thought,
this could really be something.

nvm yikes turns out I was really milking myself to catch feelings for someone

[Gladis]

Never convince yourself that you are unworthy of happiness.

[Gladis]

I can't sleep rip
Being young is beautiful, & yet, so damn terrifying.
Bursting with adventurous possibilities, & yet we are filled with so much insecurity.
We are new to love, new to the world.
Wild, insecure, fleeting.

Youth is something we only have once.

[Gladis]

Sixteen more like sux-teen : (

Years ago, when I turned 16, I thought, "this is it. This is gonna be the best year of my life. Sweet 16 :^)". In all honesty, being 16 sucked. Inexperienced & naive, romance was never really love, it was just puppy love that ended up in a lot of heartbreak. I was no longer a 15 year old, which meant that puberty set in & I no longer looked like a "little boy." It was the year of experimenting with makeup, hairstyles, & fashion. People saw me differently & started treating me differently, but my looks did not reflect on who I was. My deep set issues would still go unresolved, so I resorted to anger & jealousy. I wanted to feel confident, but I would brush my confidence off as being too "outgoing", as I was too afraid to be seen that way.

A fair share of identity issues set in at that time too. I woke up one day & was like,
"who THE HELL am I?????"
After so many years of aching insecurity & trying to be someone else, I successfully destroyed every last bit of my old identity. People also started treating me differently (it could be because we all grew up, my perception was disorientated, or maybe because I finally conformed to societal norms, who knows?). I would spend hours staring at photos of me from the past & think, is that REALLY me?

My body was an absolute MYSTERY to me. It was like a shell in which I happened to inhibit, & I did not like this shell.

It was a strange ass time, & anything BUT sweet. But it wasn't all that bad either. Late nights with friends was rebellious & exciting. There were times when I'd put on some makeup & think, WOW, being me isn't all that bad after all. 16 was a time of recklessness & confusion. I don't miss it, but I wouldn't forget these moments if I had the chance.

[Gladis]

This is my body, & I owe it to no one.

[Gladis]

The lights of the gas station illuminated the smoke he blew out. It was all the same, where did all the excitement go? These midnight cruises became a burden. I don't have the time or money for this, tell me where you want to go.
Time & money I'll never have enough of it.
I dream of being rich one day. Maybe they'll heal the wounds of loveless nights from home.
I'll have a place where I make the rules. Where they can't kick me out whenever they feel like it.
Maybe. Just maybe. I'll get there.
But excitement & joy are draining out of my life like sand through a sieve.
Maybe this is how life is supposed to be,
or maybe I am undeserving of the life I love.
Regardless, if this is the sacrifice I'll have to make, I'll take it.

[Gladis]

little by little,
these beautiful people pick up my broken pieces,
& put me back together.