↪ 【 journal/random writings 】

[✦ nemuri]

im trying to draw but everything looks wrong and i just. feel so disgusted in myself lmao
everything is going so slowly, nothing is right, and i dont know why. ive tried to restart over and over again, and im just stuck. ive been trying to experiment, but i dont have the time to actually sit down and focus and study on hands or hair or poses or whatever. im so dissatisfied with everything i do, whether it'd be drawing, writing or god forbid, coding.

i think im going to distance myself from cs and fr again. they stress me out more than they make me happy, and i really just?? don tknow,
it's incredibly frustrating to not be able to do the things that calm you down to your satisfaction, you know? ive been stuck in this creative slump for so long and it's killing me on the inside because i cant release all this ,,,, energy through other means. im trying to not cry and focusing on other things but it's hard! i hate how high-maintenance my body is and how i cant stand anything out of the ordinary for me
it's one of those times when i want to talk to other people but i dont know what to say.

[✦ nemuri]

the pain in my right ear still hasn’t gone away, and i still can’t hear all that well out of it. it’s scaring me.

[✦ nemuri]

我有很多东西我想告诉你，可是我太害怕了。这真是不是你的错。不管其他人（和你！）会说什么，我还是觉得你是个很好的人。我特别喜欢你。我有很多东西我想跟你一起讨论一下，可是我已经是个破的人。。。 如果你知道我心里每天想什么，你还会跟我这样每天说话吗？我已经不敢相信我父母亲的话；如果没有你，那我会怎么办呢？我确实不知道我到底真的是不是这样喜欢你，可是我觉得我们这一步可以慢慢的走。应该不用着急，我还可以等。

我就希望这个世界里有人会给我说： “不用担心，不用害怕， 不用哭了。” 那会是个多么美好的梦想？

[✦ nemuri]

indentThe first time she visited you was before the summer solstice, as you had been playing a greeting for the spirits in the forest. You were focused on your work—hands gliding gracefully across the strings of your wooden harp—when a little wren spread her wings and flew over. She landed delicately on top of your harp, before responding to your query.

indent“Hello!”

indentYou paused, uncertain of how you were supposed to answer a bird when you had been expecting a ferocious ghost instead. The small bird let out a series of chirps from her beak that sounded like a familiar song after your pause, and when she had your attention, she continued on with a barrage of chords on your harp by plucking at the strings with her beak.

indent“Do you remember me?”

indentYou frowned and shook your head like at the question. You were trying to communicate with the spirits of the deceased in order to exorcize them, and the appearance of the bird took you by surprise. This forest was the site of a bloodbath, and you’ve sent many spirits peacefully to the afterlife. You were certain that there were still many more spirits at unrest, but you haven’t encountered any in some time. They were usually willing to hear you out and exchange a few words with you, but things have clearly changed and you weren’t sure why. The fact that someone, something had reached out to you was a good sign, in your opinion.

indent... Yet, animal spirits didn’t communicate like how this particular bird did. Their language was different, so how was this wren able to understand your notes? Your music was designed to be understood by human spirits, assuming that they hadn’t absorbed enough resentful energy to become a ghoul. The wren was neither human nor spirit, but clearly not a ghoul either. Just what was this anomaly? Confusion and wariness colored your face, and your hands hovered over the strings of your harp hesitantly, thinking of something appropriate to ask.

indent“What's your name?” you played, hoping for a clue to help you reach a conclusion. The wren sat quietly—almost as though she was thinking deeply—before plucking out a chord.

indent“Give me one.”

indentHow demanding. You sighed, turning your head away to stare at a patch of lilies that had been blooming nearby. Many thoughts were running through your mind, but in the end, you decided to acquiesce with the wren’s wishes. The innocent wren seemed interested in you, more than you would’ve expected. There was something fierce and passionate within the bird’s beady eyes, and although you weren’t sure why, a name resounded clearly in your mind.

indent“Then, you’ll be Calla. Lilies suit you, after all.”




indentThe second time she visited you, it was during the summer solstice, and you were singing and playing your harp to ease a particularly fierce spirit. It had been an entire five years since the massacre in the forest, and although you had managed to exorcize the spirit without too much trouble, Calla seemed uneasy. She twittered loudly and had tried to reach for the disappearing tendrils of the spirit, but to no avail. Without the precise notes of your harp, you had no way of understanding whatever it was that had been going on in her mind.

indentFrustrated, she then left in a hurry. You weren’t certain whether or not she was disgruntled with you or with herself, but you tried to not dwell too deeply on what could’ve been running through the wren’s mind. For all intents and purposes, she was mad at you, and it was probably a good idea to leave her alone for the time being.

indent... Strange. The way Calla had gotten upset reminded you of someone you might've known before. There were some parallels that you were able to draw to her, even though you weren’t sure who she was. Even though you knew your memory was lacking, you had no doubt that you hadn’t met anyone like Calla before. Right?

indent(“But why else would you think so much about the bird?” your mind would ask. “Why do you feel as though there is currently something missing from your life?”)

indentYou refused to think any more about the matter. You spied yet another patch of lilies in the forest, and although you contemplated taking a few blooms with you back to your small cottage, you eventually decided against it. Besides, a headache was coming on, and while the forest was currently lit with the glow of the setting sun, it wouldn’t be long until that light was extinguished. You’d best return before it was too dark for you to see.

indentYou were confused at the entire situation, but above all, you couldn’t help but feel irrevocably lonely in this one moment.




indentShe visited more frequently after the little argument the two of you had, often bringing small gifts of leaves, berries, and lilies to your harp. She seemed to enjoy hearing you play, as it was only then that the two of you could speak. Since that day, the two of you also talked more; although Calla used to be content with just watching you play, she seemed more determined to talk to you more nowadays. You didn’t mind the change in the slightest. You welcomed it, in fact, as getting to know the wren more was something that you had always wanted to do. You still hadn’t figured out why the wren was able to remind you of someone you’ve never met before, and if you didn’t know any better, you’d suspect that you were beginning to go crazy.

indent“What did you do today?” you would often ask her.

indent“Wait for you to remember,” she would answer, looking at you with a mournful sheen in her glimmering, dark eyes. She refused to elaborate, and you thought deeply of what else you could say in response.

indent“Remember what?”

indent“Never mind. It’s nothing.”

indentMore often than not, the conversations were frustrating to both of you. However, Calla was endearing and enjoyed to talk a lot when presented with the opportunity.

indentShe had a personality. She was human-like in that sense. Her name started with the letter ‘C’ and reminded you of lilies as well. She was like your girlfriend.

indent... Except you didn’t have a girlfriend in this life. You had nobody. Nobody to call your own, nobody to help ease you of your fears and confusion, nobody to take the place of her.

indent(“You’re a fool to ever think anyone could replace her. If she’s dead, it’s your fault,” you mind added unhelpfully, and for once, you didn’t have anything to retort in response.)




indentYou often dreamed of a large massacre when you slept. The dream never seemed to leave you alone, despite how you’d play songs laced with calming spiritual power to set your core at peace before retiring for the night. No matter how many times you’ve had to relive this dream, everyone died. Your family, your friends, your girlfriend. Everyone.

indentBlood was everywhere. No matter where you turned, you couldn’t escape the stark color of sanguine against the green grass and the sharp tang of iron mixed with the sickly-sweet smell of lilies. Blood filled the corner of your vision. Blood dripped from your nose. Blood bled from your hands. You were in pain. You were struggling to move, and you recalled holding a stiff corpse towards your body, not caring about how the sticky liquid smudged and smeared against your previously pristine robes. They were going to be filthy from the mud, anyways. You didn’t care. Not anymore.

indentYou could barely hear her unintelligible mumbles, never mind make sense of what it meant. However, when she stopped speaking, you lowered your head to stare at her face. The scene came to you in vignettes; normally, you’d scarcely remember, but now you were crouched over her body in your dream, hoarsely screaming and pleading to a life that had long been cut short. Her eyes stared sightlessly into the starless sky, and when you raised a trembling a hand to her cheek, it was already beginning to cool. The unnatural pale pallor of death was accented by the soft moonlight, and though her heart had stopped, you could still feel something moving from within her. Was it her blood? Her spirit? You weren’t sure. You were already so confused and so tired.

indentBut that wasn’t all. You recalled binding her spirit to something to prevent it from being shattered to pieces. You remembered hearing a flutter of feathers, a desperate cry, an unearthly glow of an array beneath your aching feet, a song from a harp that sounded much like a requiem. You remembered calling out her name one last time, almost reluctantly, almost as though you didn’t want to leave. You made a promise that you’d remember her... And then the pungent smell of blood became too much for you. You collapsed into a puddle of your own vitality, and the world went black afterward.

indentYour memory was always terrible, but this time, for some reason, you remembered every detail from that dream. It was then that you realized who Calla was. The dream wasn’t just a dream; it was also your past.

indentIt was your past! It was the past that you could never seem to remember because it was locked so far away into the recesses of your mind. It was your past. It was Calla’s past. It had belonged to the both of you, and you had almost all but forgotten about it.

indentGuilt threatened to suffocate you, choke you, and you couldn’t do anything but wait until daybreak to see her. You’d have to properly explain things to her. She would no longer have to be left in the dark. She would finally be able to be at ease, no longer wondering when your memories would return.




indentThe next time she visited you, you apologized. Emotion colored the wren’s visage as vividly as was possible for an animal to be. She seemed conflicted and played a plea for you, hesitantly plucking out the chords that you never would’ve expected her to play.

indent“Melody, I’m here. Don’t leave me behind again.”

indent“I won’t,” you promised. This time, you intended to keep it. The smell of lilies threatened to overtake you, and you tried to calm yourself with a deep breath. “I’m sorry to have kept you waiting, Calla. To suffer through the blood, alone, with the lilies and that requiem… You must’ve had faith in my return, right? I’m sorry that I couldn’t keep my promise until now. I’m sorry.”




indentShe doesn't visit anymore. She stays with you instead, just like how it was before.

indentEven if she's a bird now, little changed. Life existed as a requiem for the dead, existed as vignettes for the life that the two of you had shared before. Lilies decorated your harp, as they were Calla’s namesake and the proof of her endless hope and faith to you.

indentYou were truly so lucky to have met someone such as her.

[✦ nemuri]

im gonna yell i couldve sworn i just updated medibang. god. why have you forsaken me so
that ++ i still have no pen pressure in oekaki after reinstalling jtablet im o(-( literally never going to draw on oekaki again probably bc it's too difficult for a mere pleb like me

time to work on one of the many wips i still have on my laptop! laughs and all of them r from december iirc. wow i love being busy

also shut up grammarly i should've never downloaded you


also wow it took me nearly 4 years on this site to reach 10k posts. wow. i feel. old

[✦ nemuri]

google docs is being funky and not letting me read the tls on public documents and i --
pls i jus,,,wanna,,,,,know what happens in chap 180

[✦ nemuri]

what's the meaning of life? have you ever wondered what it's like to die, to not have to drag everyone down with you, to finally stop being a burden?
waking up is a chore each day. it takes so much energy to just smile. you're tired, and you just want everything to

s t o p


but you wont, because you're a coward.

you know that, don't you? you've already accepted this cowardice as a part of you. you know that you wouldn't ever be able to muster up to courage to do what it is you want to do, because you're not ready to let go yet, despite everything you say.

and so, not only are you a coward, you're also a filthy liar.

[✦ nemuri]

black. it represented a lot of things to alice, and when she carefully slid on her mask, she let her mind wander a little. even as she exchanged polite smiles that thinly veiled her displeasure, she hummed to herself, deep in thought. so what if she was being a little rude to her guests? she was the star of the night, the heiress of the pavone family. she could afford to make others wait on her for a little bit.

the faces at the party were a blur to her. her delicate fingers brushed at the lace of her mask, and she merely smiled prettily at every interaction. from a young age, she had been groomed to be proper, to carefully tuck away her emotions in order to be more unassuming. most people weren’t aware of the business that her family dabbled in. it’s better that they didn’t; their reputations didn’t need to be tarnished into an even deeper black.

it’s a pretence. all of it was fake, from alice’s beguiling smiles to the gentle words that leaves her lips. all she has to do is look pretty and elegant to the people. they don’t need to see the blood that stains her elegant hands, nor do they need to hear the threats and lies that her silver tongue weaves. the shadowy night is when her family truly begins to move, and it’s difficult to see blood in black.

she spies a figure with a white mask and deigns to step closer, close enough to brush their shoulders together. even if her family name hadn’t been so tarnished, she had little doubt that people would still come for her neck. why wouldn’t they? she was the prickly heiress of the pavone family, and even if they don’t kill her, she could be used as ransom fodder.

it wouldn’t work with her parents, though. they could always find replacements.

she extends her hand in an invitation to dance. her dark eyes shines behind her silken mask, midnight hues complimenting the rest of her lavish ensemble in a way that was only befitting of nobility. she didn’t enjoy masquerade balls, but if there was one thing that alice was good at, it was pretending.

besides, she’s seen the way that the eyes behind the white mask followed her as she flitted from guest to guest, raining them with honeyed compliments and sugary words. she’s seen how the the white mask never truly left her alone, even as they stepped away to avoid raising suspicion.

even if there would be an attempt on her life, alice wasn’t worried. that prospect seemed exciting, and she’d be lying to herself if she said that she wasn’t looking forward to it. that wasn’t to say that she wanted to die, however. she just wanted to see where this dance would take the both of them.

left foot change. right foot change. box step. forward progressive. promenade.

it’s time to pretend, again.

“what will you do next?”





quick notes for myself:
- alice meaning noble child/of nobility/something of that nature
- pavone meaning peacock (lol)

05/06/19
- 500
- fix grammar if needed
- check w aes? see if anything needs to be changed
- idk if i answered the prompt well enough LAUFHS


06/06/19
- 500
- grammar checked; look over again later?
- removed last part + added waltz dance sequences + a single line of dialogue/internal monologue
- still don’t know if prompt is answered enough gfjfjgjjgjfgj - may have to rewrite

[✦ nemuri]

things i have to do

- kal partner comp kae pls u've been procrastinating for so long it's like,,, 2/3 done ig
- kal kruise #3 bc whadda dream
- get slep schedule in track for school in less than a month rip
- article for premed club actually i dont have to do this bc im an editor hhehehghjs
- finish wip art
- try not to perish
- kal kruise #9 ; __ ; dammiy senti
- kal 1613
- draw monday u absolute buffoon

[✦ nemuri]

when the white-masked person accepted alice's hand, they swept her to the dance floor. based on her partner's movements, they were quite proficient in the dance, smoothly transitioning from step to step. upon realizing the presumed assassin seemed to know what they were doing, she quickly adjusted her posture into something more lofty, elegant. she couldn't fall behind, especially not at such a critical junction now. her cat-like eyes followed her partner's every action, remaining just observant enough to know when things could potentially become dangerous for her.

alice was a daughter of the pavone family, and while she might have a penchant for getting into trouble, she was just as good at getting out of trouble. she had tried her best to become close to the assassin under the pretense of dancing, but by the time the song ended, she had gotten nowhere. they had slipped off somewhere when alice took her eyes off them, and when she spotted them again, they were engaging with someone else in a dance.

how could this be? was she wrong in thinking that someone wanted her life? alice merely shrugged to herself. besides, everything would clear up eventually.

she would wait patiently.


200 / 200 words