Mods Please Delete

[Raneth]

I hope you don't mind a newbie offering some critique.

From a quick readthrough, I think one major problem with this story is your overuse of passive voice. In the first few paragraphs alone, you rely way too much on passive voice, and it gives the story a kind of boring feel.

For example:
"
Draco lead the herd to the watering hole as they followed reluctantly. His head was high and his mane was flapping in the breeze. Amber snorted in disgust. No one liked the idea of Draco being in charge, especially not Amber."

The use of "was" is a major clue that you're passive voice. This paragraph could easily be made active, like so:

"
His head held high and his mane flapping in the breeze, Draco lead the herd to the watering hole, most of the herd's members following reluctantly. Amber snorted in disgust. Obviously, no one liked the idea of Draco being in charge."

Keep an eye out for passive voice. It's not always bad, but when you over use it, it can ruin a story.

[Ourpawprints]

thanks. I'll try to edit it

[Ourpawprints]

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[Ourpawprints]

bump

[Ourpawprints]

bump

[gizmo,]

I like it. It could go far(:

[~~*Lost In Flames*~~]

It is amazing I think you should write more!!!

[Ourpawprints]

thanks. Lols been having writers block lately so I haven't added much.

[CookieRaider]

i like

[insult+injury]

The day was going so well until something tragic happened.

Change this and it will be rly good. nice work.