── your past becomes your god

[lol]

his cage is drawing with dust
i'm still trying to adjust
his misplaced yet caring de-
meanor will be missed
my heart even now is in a t-
wist

i miss him so much. why did
he have to go?
he's becoming more and m-
ore inchoate
the pictures, the videos, the
laughs are all gone now
the grief, the sorrow, the m-
isjudgment is hitting me any-
how

i'm sorry ralph. my heart c-
ommends.
your time briefly came to
an end.

i miss you.
[ 2.23.17 — 3.25.18 ]

[lol]

my head is just splitting with a shattering headache right at
this current moment. i think it's well deserved after how str-
essful today was. not to mention, how coincidental the tim-
ing of it all was.

i got two text messages at the same time from two different
people about two different topics. one was quite... heavy w-
hile the other was about an inward crush that i'm getting o-
ver. i had taken a 30 minute break to debrief the two text
messages, and then drafted myself a response for the less
heavy breached text while i took a little longer on the ot-
her message.

overall, i was just not having it. i tried to sit myself down,
clear my mind, and watch a movie (that i deeply love) and
couldn't watch more than twenty minutes of it before get-
ting antsy.

i don't know what it was... i think the heavy text message
was... is getting to me. it's eating off the two braincells t-
hat i have left. i think the best thing to do now is attempt
to sleep. i woke up late today and couldn't manage anyth-
ing because i kept putting everything off until last minute
so... slumber is the best answer right now.

thank god sleeping is a thing.

[lol]

i'm dusted and tired
she's different, she and i
how perfectly sheer

< — — >

[lol]

trust : /trəst/
noun
firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.
"relations have to be built on trust"

i wonder why i have such strong issues with trust. it seems as if i'm starting to
forget how to genuinely trust someone without feeling gullible or naive. i alr-
eady succumb to the fact that i'll be manipulated, or conned. is that wrong of
me? to just put up my walls with everyone... even friends because i just don't
know who to trust anymore? i feel extremely fragile. it's even gotten to the p-
oint where i don't know if i can trust myself.

how can i trust others when i can't trust myself?

i don't know, but i've been asking myself that question a lot recently. especial-
ly when i find myself in awkward situations with friends + family. or if i have a
random episode. i think i'm just forgetting the actual definition of trust itself.
it's just a firm belief.

so what if i don't believe in trust?

[lol]

invested in love
blocked by trust and betrayal
clarity has sung
an unspoken song
it flutters in destruction

a song, a song, a song.

[lol]

tonight is just one of those nights where i sit back and cry.
and cry, and cry, and cry, and cry until the sun comes up a-
nd my hands stop shaking for whatever reason. then, i mo-
ve on and bottle everything up again. i miss everyone. i sc-
rewed up. i always find a way to screw up. i wish i could dip
back into the past and shake myself in warning— to watch
what i was doing before everyone i loved dusted away.

is it wrong of me to say that i miss everyone, even though
they were the ones that hurt me? it's one thing to have se-
rious trust issues, but to work myself this deep into being
conned and still having hope that maybe one day... they'll
come back for me...
i'm foolish. i know. everyone is doing better without me. i
was just another kick in the flimsy, green grass. my securit-
ies are turning into insecurities, and the more i work myself
into doing this to myself, the more i lose. the more i lose to
my dulling and dark consciousness.

i wish there was a moment in my life where i didn't feel angry,
upset, hesitant, redundant, anxious, scared, afraid, pissed off,
or lazily spiteful. i guess that's just what makes me, well, me
into the insolent child that i am.

screwed. i'm utterly, s c r e w e d.

[lol]

THERE is a lady sweet and kind,
was never face so pleased my mind;
i did but see her passing by,
and yet i love her till i die.

her gesture, motion, and her smiles,
her wit, her voice my heart beguiles,
beguiles my heart, i know not why,
and yet i love her till i die.

cupid is wingèd and doth range,
her country so my love doth change:
but change she earth, or change she sky,
yet will i love her till i die.

[ —verse by thomas ford ]

[lol]

i've noticed that i've slowed down immensely
my plate has become so messy

yesterday i was fine
today i'm blind
tomorrow i'll be unrefined

and everything repeats so demure
and i'm so sure that i'm pure
although everything has its own demolition
i've just been following my own volition

the clock ticks with more time that i've lost
my skin draws more and more embossed
the satin silk that's resting on my bed becomes dusted
the clock ticks once more, finding peace within a muscid

it's only time before i realize
my doom will fall for disgusting implies

[lol]

i haven't written all that much lately, and it makes me sad. i have all these
drafts that are stacking up, collecting dust by the minute. i feel almost
uncomfortable posting them? (which is unusual...) maybe it's for the fact
that every single piece is so, so, so negative. i thought writing may
lift my spirits— take my mind off of the awful things going on in my life.
i presumed if i had written about merry things in my life, that everything
would shockingly distill in tranquility.

but it didn't, and it won't. that's just a facade that i want to mold myself
into.

i think from now on, i just need to be more comfortable when i write.
whether or not my writing sculpts into a dark abyss of scary thoughts, i
need to accept that it's human to write the way i do; that's my writing
style. it's okay to post things that warble and sit in the back of my mind.
how will i get better if i don't say, or do something about it?

[lol]

onism in a cup
hot chocolate supines up
piping with stories
holiday ephemeral
only for the most brightest